Getting Your Groove Back...

[HottieMama]

Have you ever just lost your desire for this life (D/s), or more specifically, have you ever lost your desire for kinky play/sex in general???

For those that don't know, I am recently divorced (since May) from my HusDom of 4 years. We were D/s in "name only," and our kinky play dwindled to nothingness ever since our son was born two years ago. Back in January of this year, I began a D/s relationship with my best friend of seven years. I was her mentor when she was entering this lifestyle, so we were always fairly close, and the relationship/bond was quick and intense once we took that further step. I had never submitted to a woman before, but I felt more fulfilled in my relationship with her than I had with any male dominant in my years in this life. The play was amazing...blah...blah..blah... We split up at the end of June. We both have our responsibility in that, and are still in the process of trying to salvage a friendship. Since then, I have played with several other women and several men. I find myself extremely dissatisfied afterward. If someone labels themselves a sadist, I expect sadism...not slap and tickle as a means to fuck me. I am just at the point where it doesn't seem worth it anymore. I would rather not play than to have this shitty experience that barely scratches the surface of my masochism/fetishes. It has killed my sex drive, and my desire to pursue another relationship. I would rather go without, than deal with the emotional "pain" that comes from one shitty play session after another.

I would like it to NOT be this way. I would like to go back to the happy, always down to play/fuck, person that I was a few years ago. This really kinda sucks...LOL. Advice? Opinions??

 

[BiBunny]

I can offer nothing but commiseration because I know exactly what you're talking about. *Hugs*

 

[bhndblueyes88]

find better playmates? (I know, I'm sure it's easier said than done!!)

I can't really relate at all, but I hope you find a "happy place" wherever that may be <hug>

 

[HottieMama]

I can offer nothing but commiseration because I know exactly what you're talking about. *Hugs*

(Pardon me if I am speaking out of turn here, Bunny...) Do you think it is because of the attachment/relationship we shared in our previous D/s relationships? Now that they are over...it's kinda "soured" the whole thing for us???

 

[LucyH]

Well, if accepting the label at face value has had disappointing results, don't do it?

I think when you meet someone truly compatible, and get them talking about what they love to do, and what they enjoy about it, and you tell them what you like and you see that wicked grin... you'll get your groove back. If you're not feeling it, that's probably because it's not there.

 

[BiBunny]

(Pardon me if I am speaking out of turn here, Bunny...) Do you think it is because of the attachment/relationship we shared in our previous D/s relationships? Now that they are over...it's kinda "soured" the whole thing for us???

*Nods* I wouldn't be at all surprised if that were the case.

 

[His_pet_slut]

I guess it depends on what you are looking for. If you are looking for a long-term partner, then yeah...wait until you find someone you think will be compatible and in more than just the sexual factor.

That said, if you are looking more for a FWB partner with compatible kinks, it can be done. The key is, communication. Make sure the kinks truly are compatible before you get down to the fucking. Make sure you are looking for the same thing as far as playmate vs long term partner.

I have had several very satisfying FWB relationships that lasted a year or better. Did some mutual affection develop, yeah, but we didn't fall in love and there were no hurt feelings when life circumstances caused us to stop playing.

In each case, there was a lot of conversation and several 'coffee dates' before anything else took place and when it did take place, it was planned. Maybe it isn't the same for everyone, but for me, the best bdsm experiences are well planned ahead of time, even if they do end up taking unexpected twists and turns.

 

[KoPilot]

I think I know where you're coming from, but my sexual apathy is mostly because of medical reasons, so I've just bitten the bullet and learned to live with it.

Good luck in fixing your situation, and I think that LucyH might have the right idea.

 

[HottieMama]

That said, if you are looking more for a FWB partner with compatible kinks, it can be done. The key is, communication. Make sure the kinks truly are compatible before you get down to the fucking. Make sure you are looking for the same thing as far as playmate vs long term partner.

I have had several very satisfying FWB relationships that lasted a year or better. Did some mutual affection develop, yeah, but we didn't fall in love and there were no hurt feelings when life circumstances caused us to stop playing.

In each case, there was a lot of conversation and several 'coffee dates' before anything else took place and when it did take place, it was planned. Maybe it isn't the same for everyone, but for me, the best bdsm experiences are well planned ahead of time, even if they do end up taking unexpected twists and turns.

Definitely looking for a FWB as opposed to a long-term relationship. I have sat down with my recent play partners, BEFORE we played and discussed kinks/desires/skill level etc. What I am finding more often than not, is that most that I am encountering seem to over-exaggerate their skills/level of sadism. I am a heavy masochist and an edge-player. I am discovering a lot will claim to be "on my level," when in fact they are light years from it. Until we play the first time, I believe what they tell me. Afterwards, is when I am disappointed and quite frankly pissed off. I would much rather they admitted that they were not as experienced as me or as knowledgeable about certain things in the very beginning. I could "work" with that. At this point, I would be more than willing to help a honest and willing Top "get to" my level, but I refuse to pretend to be satisfied with some bullshit that vaguely passes for play.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Amusing Side Note: Only on a BDSM forum will you end up thinking "Aww...I wish I could give that person the beating they want so that they would feel better!"

 

[His_pet_slut]

Definitely looking for a FWB as opposed to a long-term relationship. I have sat down with my recent play partners, BEFORE we played and discussed kinks/desires/skill level etc. What I am finding more often than not, is that most that I am encountering seem to over-exaggerate their skills/level of sadism. I am a heavy masochist and an edge-player. I am discovering a lot will claim to be "on my level," when in fact they are light years from it. Until we play the first time, I believe what they tell me. Afterwards, is when I am disappointed and quite frankly pissed off. I would much rather they admitted that they were not as experienced as me or as knowledgeable about certain things in the very beginning. I could "work" with that. At this point, I would be more than willing to help a honest and willing Top "get to" my level, but I refuse to pretend to be satisfied with some bullshit that vaguely passes for play.

oooo, gotcha'. Yeah, that would be enough to really piss one off.

 

[nowgirl]

As a single kinkster/submissive who, for a long time, didn't want to play outside of a relationship, it's been a pretty big learning curve trying to figure out how to get my maso itch scratched.

Like you, i enjoy intensity, heavy impact, edge play. I appreciate artful humiliaition with the right partner. I don't especially enjoy a lot of warm-up, sensation play or even ooey gooey aftercare. On top of it, I dont always want my play to get sexual. Needless to say, the negotiations have almost killed a few deals!

What I've found is most new play partners don't believe you want it that hard, no matter how much you talk about it first. For me, it's not that they're lying about experience; instead, they don't meet a lot of women who want MORE.

Once we get over that bridge, it usually goes in a better direction.

 

[switchbitch]

Definitely looking for a FWB as opposed to a long-term relationship. I have sat down with my recent play partners, BEFORE we played and discussed kinks/desires/skill level etc. What I am finding more often than not, is that most that I am encountering seem to over-exaggerate their skills/level of sadism. I am a heavy masochist and an edge-player. I am discovering a lot will claim to be "on my level," when in fact they are light years from it. Until we play the first time, I believe what they tell me. Afterwards, is when I am disappointed and quite frankly pissed off. I would much rather they admitted that they were not as experienced as me or as knowledgeable about certain things in the very beginning. I could "work" with that. At this point, I would be more than willing to help a honest and willing Top "get to" my level, but I refuse to pretend to be satisfied with some bullshit that vaguely passes for play.

it is astonishing is it not? Do they not understand that sooner or later you are going to find out, I too have had the same experience on many occasions and it nearly makes my blood boil. I am a switch and put me in a position where the play is insipid to the point of ludicrous I cannot help but switch which can be somewhat disconcerting for the unsuspecting so-called dominant. Suddenly finding themselves in the position of being my little bitch while it may teach them a lesson does not satisfy me at all.
at least if I know I am going to be training someone I can have my headspace in a somewhat more ordered place and I don't end up pissed off.

I too have been in your position many times and irritating as it may be I am so glad I did not give up the search, finding master was worth all the shit that came before.
I have found laughter to be rather an effective if cruel tool, it has a tendency to either end a session with an embarrassed dominant or bring out their sadistic side yay(bitch is in my name for a reason).
I wish you luck finding someone who suits you as I did

 

[Mz_Cunningham]

Have you ever just lost your desire for this life (D/s), or more specifically, have you ever lost your desire for kinky play/sex in general???

For those that don't know, I am recently divorced (since May) from my HusDom of 4 years. We were D/s in "name only," and our kinky play dwindled to nothingness ever since our son was born two years ago. Back in January of this year, I began a D/s relationship with my best friend of seven years. I was her mentor when she was entering this lifestyle, so we were always fairly close, and the relationship/bond was quick and intense once we took that further step. I had never submitted to a woman before, but I felt more fulfilled in my relationship with her than I had with any male dominant in my years in this life. The play was amazing...blah...blah..blah... We split up at the end of June. We both have our responsibility in that, and are still in the process of trying to salvage a friendship. Since then, I have played with several other women and several men. I find myself extremely dissatisfied afterward. If someone labels themselves a sadist, I expect sadism...not slap and tickle as a means to fuck me. I am just at the point where it doesn't seem worth it anymore. I would rather not play than to have this shitty experience that barely scratches the surface of my masochism/fetishes. It has killed my sex drive, and my desire to pursue another relationship. I would rather go without, than deal with the emotional "pain" that comes from one shitty play session after another.

I would like it to NOT be this way. I would like to go back to the happy, always down to play/fuck, person that I was a few years ago. This really kinda sucks...LOL. Advice? Opinions??

Come see lilac and I, she can couch that I am very sadisitic we'll take care of those needs of yours.

So basically, my actual advice would be find better playmates, your problem is that you're finding people who are not giving you what you want, and you're dissatisfied with that.

Seriously? I order a burger with bacon, I get a tofuburger and don't enjoy it, am I supposed to question whether I now enjoy burgers or even meat in general now?

Gotta sort through shit to find the good stuff, in anything. And as I say to lilac often enough, something that I can tailor for you "Eventually, you'll find someone who loves you enough to beat the shit out of you"

 

[sweepthefloor]

I never had a groove to lose- but I get what you are typing. What I am finding is that so many are willing to follow a script—one that I have written myself. I don’t want to be the playwright.

My best guess is that you will meet someone you like and you will get your groove back.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Just wanted to say I am sorry you have found yourself in this place. It is good you recognise what you need and have the strength to remain true to yourself by not settling for less. I like to believe that type of commitment to future happiness will be rewarded in time.

Catalina