A Sub's Life

[WajaLover]

I've found that this list does not describe all subs. I never thought it did, and I appreciate everyone who posts here giving advice. Being young with problems, I can only hope that this list will shorten into how other subs describe their life. I need all the advice I can get and I'm learning a lot. If the list doesn't shorten, then maybe I'm really domme, and not sub at all, but I don't think so. There are too many signs that point to my submissiveness.

A Sub's Life is Full of:
a) Uncertainty, Indecision, Decisions
b) Hope for the best: I hope He/She will do what's best for me. i hope They have experience.
c) Arousal: What if i can't get aroused by His or Her voice? Should i drop them? For me personally it's: Will i finally be able to cum?
d) Obedience
e) Punishment/Praise
f) Cameras: Do i need to get one? Should i get one?
g) Toys: How many should I have? What should I have? How do i choose?
h) Patience while waiting: I'm always full of impatience while i'm online and waiting for Master to get to me. I know that must be the case with other subs too.

This thread is for all subs to talk about their experiences with Masters. Please, no Masters and/or Mistresses on here. Keep that to pms and other threads.

But mostly uncertainty, obedience, punishment, and reacting to decisions made fills a submissive slave's life. In the small time I've been a sub, I've figured that out.

(No, I am not mentioning any names and don't ask me to. I won't and I refuse to. Who my Master is exactly is no one's business but mine and His/Hers.)

 

[the captians wench]

For me, personally, the fears you expressed, mostly, translate when I'm dating vanilla or in the kink pool. The desire to please a partner is always there.

You might find this thread of interest as far as online/distance relationships go. It was started by some one who only wanted an online relationship, but I think most of us left on it are more just distance than online only.

And I'm sorry to say, but trying to limit who posts in any particular thread rarely goes well. Besides that, the other side can often contribute a point of view we'd never think of.

As for the bit about who your master is...I think we're pretty well aware of that by now.

 

[WajaLover]

Well, I'm not saying anything. *lips are sealed*

 

[midwestyankee]

Well, I'm not saying anything. *lips are sealed*

In my experience, bottoms and submissives with sealed lips soon lose their lovers' favor. You don't have to take it from me alone: listen to Stella.

 

[the captians wench]

Well, I'm not saying anything. *lips are sealed*

Doesn't really mater anyway. *shrug*

In my experience, bottoms and submissives with sealed lips soon lose their lovers' favor. You don't have to take it from me alone: listen to Stella.

Yeah, that's usually the first thing I'm asked

 

[CutieMouse]

A Sub's Life is Full of:
a) Uncertainty, Indecision, Decisions: Is this what He/She wants me to do?

I would argue that *for me*, submission is the exact opposite of uncertainty or indecision - my life [as a submissive partner] is full of security and strength of conviction [in words and deeds]. I have never felt uncertainty or indecision when in a *healthy* D/s relationship. I'm picky; not many men are enough to live up to my standards. Because of that (in part), I rarely, if ever, have to worry about if I'm doing X the way a lover would want me to or not.

Am i doing this right? Will this Master be good for me? How can i obey Him/Her better? Will this One cater to my needs, be patient with me? Will i like His or Her voice?

The bolded bit up there would be an example of my why I'm picky - I decide if the person will be a good addition to my life loooooooooong before we get anywhere near D/s type issues.There is one person on Lit with whom I suppose you could say I had a casual online "thing", as friends... and it took roughly three years of knowing one another through the forums, to even begin considering it.

In off-line life, I tend to know/date men for a few months before we start down that path. I'm always upfront about my proclivities, but I don't relinquish power casually. I've known one of my lovers almost 3 years; the other, one year. The one I've known longer has slightly more "freedom of use" available to him - *IF* he wants it - just because I've known him longer.

b) Hope for the best: I hope He/She will do what's best for me. i hope They have experience.

I don't hope; I demand. At the end of the day the only person I can depend on to take care of me, is still me - regardless of BDSM. I have a responsibility to my well being and self worth to never ever count on "hoping" someone knows what they're doing, or "hoping" they will be ethical enough to not fuck me over [in a bad way].

Funny story - my relationships aren't exactly monogamous (obviously, given that I have two lovers)... I had a few casual dates with someone new a couple months ago, and in the middle of things he pulled out a bottle of lube - a little bitty (> 3oz) bottle of Anal Ease, to be exact. I stopped everything, dead cold, sat up in bed half naked, and lectured him for having the audacity to bring that shit into MY house. Because while I have nothing against anal sex, there was no way in hell I was having anal sex with someone so ignorant and lazy that they'd take the advice of the minimum wage clerk down at Condom Sense, instead of 'effing educating themselves on the subject. Buy a copy of Anal Pleasure & Health. Hell, simply skim any kink forum threads about anal sex. Or I dunno... talk to the woman who's ass you want to nail, and see what she has to say about it.

c) Arousal: What if i can't get aroused by His or Her voice? Should i drop them? For me personally it's: Will i finally be able to cum?

Voices are important to me, as well; however, I'm interested in the entire person and don't do online relationships. I have no idea on the "will I finally be able to cum" thing, as my lovers are as equally dedicated my my orgasms, as their own.

d) Obedience

No argument there. My definition of submission: submissives, submit.

e) Punishment

I don't believe in punishment dynamics, and refuse to enter into a relationship with anyone who intends to "punish" me, instead of discuss things like adults.

f) Cameras: Do i need to get one? Should i get one?

Since I enjoy photography, a camera would be cool and is on my Christmas list, but for now I just use the iPhone cam... oh... you mean for sexual purposes. Yeah... no.

g) Toys: How many should I have? What should I have? How do i choose?

I've been accepting of my proclivities for almost 10 years now, and don't own any "toys"; personally, I find them completely unnecessary. If one wants insertables, I can see the necessity of dildos/etc designed for such things, but the world is full of hairbrushes, belts, office supplies, clothespins, kitchen implements...

h) Patience while waiting: I'm always full of impatience while i'm online and waiting for Master to get to me. I know that must be the case with other subs too.

Impatience (for me) is often countered by security and living life. On average, I see each of The Men™ once every 3-4 weeks; our lives are too full to see each other more often than that. Which sucks, because I miss them terribly when we're not together, but at the same time it offers me enough space and freedom to stay busy and accomplish things in my life. So I stay busy and accomplish things in my life.

 

[HottieMama]

See, it's funny but I have none of these concerns/worries. Even when I was actively in a D/s relationship, I had none of these worries. If I was told to do "abc," I did "abc." End of story. I did it to the best of my ability and moved on.

A lot of your concerns seem to scream of someone who is looking at this life from a very one-dimensional and *dare I say* selfish perspective. Perhaps that's one of the downfalls of never having your relationship be able to be real-time...it's just not as "concrete."

 

[eastern sun]

A Sub's Life is Full of:
a) Uncertainty, Indecision, Decisions: Is this what He/She wants me to do? Am i doing this right? Will this Master be good for me? How can i obey Him/Her better? Will this One cater to my needs, be patient with me? Will i like His or Her voice?
b) Hope for the best: I hope He/She will do what's best for me. i hope They have experience.
c) Arousal: What if i can't get aroused by His or Her voice? Should i drop them? For me personally it's: Will i finally be able to cum?
d) Obedience
e) Punishment
f) Cameras: Do i need to get one? Should i get one?
g) Toys: How many should I have? What should I have? How do i choose?
h) Patience while waiting: I'm always full of impatience while i'm online and waiting for Master to get to me. I know that must be the case with other subs too.

You have given us a good picture of your life as a sub. I know the experiences you are referring to, and it is neither fun nor satisfying to live that life as a sub.

I encourage you to redefine what "a sub's life" might be. You have the power to create the life you want to live. It may take years to fully learn what you need to learn to live your dreams, but there is no reason to start defining your life in other people's terms.

An undeveloped submissive personality may very well sit and wait for an unresponsive "other" to take control and take responsibility. I've done that, and consequently I've partnered in my youth with some real assholes, who treated me poorly. I accepted it all as an indication of my worthiness.

Know, in your heart, that the life of a sub might also be full of joy, satisfaction, love, children, creativity, spiritual growth, orgasms and adventure. It might be full of dirty dishes, laundry, chores, errands, tedious and unsatisfying sexual encounters, and waiting. And it probably will be filled with uncertainty, indecision, decisions, hope for the best, arousal, obedience, punishment, cameras, toys and patience.

Lots of patience.

Don't mistake the short life you have lived as a sub so far to be the totality of who you can be. Don't mistake the search for an internet relationship for "a sub's life." It is just a search.

You are searching.

I hope you find the happiness you are seeking.

 

[ruby_my_dear]

A healthy approach

Well, first and foremost, I want to thank the PO for being open with her point of view and those who offered in a non threatening and positive way THEIR personal experience and sometimes opposing view.

I acknowledged my "proclivities" as cm put it so elegantly, only in the last 6months and ventured from imaginary (books, posts and online) to a small taste of real even more recently than that.

I've brought with me to this potential lifestyle the life experience of a 40 year old married with children professional and STILL find myself like a toddler, so vulnerable to those who might not have the honest desire to connect in a special, mutually fulfilling D/s way.

I've found the posts of the regulars on this forum
to be very helpful reality checks saying:

1- No, I'm not insane to be turned on by [insert your BDSM fantasy/desire here]
2- Yes, it's okay to include my fantasy/ desire as a part of who I am and take healthy steps to discover how it/they can fit into my life, not the other way around.

3- It IS NOT being paranoid to DEMAND ( yeah,
that word is hard for me) that potential relationship dynamics, whether they be online or
in person, be safe, consensual and sane. In fact,
anything less is being irresponsible.
Everyone, in the end, needs to live their life in a
way that is congruent with their own personal
situation. For me, those three key learnings that I
got mostly from this forum and the references it
provided have brought me to a place of being
really excited about my future growth in a way
that includes my submission but has no imposed time deadlines. For me, there is much more to
gain by taking it slow.

ruby

 

[switchbitch]

A Sub's Life is Full of:
a) Uncertainty, Indecision, Decisions: Is this what He/She wants me to do? Am i doing this right? Will this Master be good for me? How can i obey Him/Her better? Will this One cater to my needs, be patient with me? Will i like His or Her voice?
b) Hope for the best: I hope He/She will do what's best for me. i hope They have experience.
c) Arousal: What if i can't get aroused by His or Her voice? Should i drop them? For me personally it's: Will i finally be able to cum?
d) Obedience
e) Punishment
f) Cameras: Do i need to get one? Should i get one?
g) Toys: How many should I have? What should I have? How do i choose?
h) Patience while waiting: I'm always full of impatience while i'm online and waiting for Master to get to me. I know that must be the case with other subs too.

This thread is for all subs to talk about their experiences with Masters. Please, no Masters and/or Mistresses on here. Keep that to pms and other threads.

But mostly uncertainty, obedience, punishment, and reacting to decisions made fills a submissive slave's life. In the small time I've been a sub, I've figured that out.

(No, I am not mentioning any names and don't ask me to. I won't and I refuse to. Who my Master is exactly is no one's business but mine and His/Hers.)

many of the attitudes and emotions that you have expressed seemed to me to have nothing to do with submission and everything to do with a lack of self-confidence. Please do not assume that this is what submission is. A submissive can be sublimely self-confident, strong, sure, capable and happily well balanced. In fact I have often found that those submissives who are all of these things can be capable of a truly wonderful deep submission.
I do hope you find what you are looking for but I hope that you look inside yourself first before expecting all of these issues to be solved by another.

 

[WajaLover]

You see, this is why I started this thread. I wanted to learn more about being a good sub, and I am learning patience. I'm happy when Master's happy, and sad when He's frustrated with me, and I wish He was always on. But I know i can't always expect that.

I know that if i want His understanding when rl interferes, i must be understanding with Him. I know that He has other responsibilities and I must wait my turn. Patience has never been my strong point, and I'm learning it.

 

[CutieMouse]

You see, this is why I started this thread. I wanted to learn more about being a good sub, and I am learning patience. I'm happy when Master's happy, and sad when He's frustrated with me, and I wish He was always on. But I know i can't always expect that.

I know that if i want His understanding when rl interferes, i must be understanding with Him. I know that He has other responsibilities and I must wait my turn. Patience has never been my strong point, and I'm learning it.

Wait... out of everything people have responded with in this thread, the thing that resonated most with you was "gosh golly gee, I need to be more patient"?

 

[switchbitch]

Wait... out of everything people have responded with in this thread, the thing that resonated most with you was "gosh golly gee, I need to be more patient"?

this does kind of underline the point I was trying to make.

 

[WajaLover]

No, I already knew that. I've known it for a long time. But I do know that I need to be extra careful now in choosing who I give my personal info to. Believe me, I'm not about to post myself on the web, like on camera, except to someone i know and trust, like family.

This has really taught me how Immature I am, which I needed. In my life I don't have real examples of how people act and talk, and on here I do.

I've read in books how ancient cultures (this could be fact or fiction, I don't know which), how children resist adults babying them as they grow older. They want to grow up and so they increase....something, I'm not sure what. Anyways, the point is, they all have good examples of how to behave as they grow older. I don't. I'm surrounded by adults many years older than me. Now I have a lot of people advising me on what's going on and I need that. I need to learn.

 

[wicked woman]

<snip>


Funny story - my relationships aren't exactly monogamous (obviously, given that I have two lovers)... I had a few casual dates with someone new a couple months ago, and in the middle of things he pulled out a bottle of lube - a little bitty (> 3oz) bottle of Anal Ease, to be exact. I stopped everything, dead cold, sat up in bed half naked, and lectured him for having the audacity to bring that shit into MY house. Because while I have nothing against anal sex, there was no way in hell I was having anal sex with someone so ignorant and lazy that they'd take the advice of the minimum wage clerk down at Condom Sense, instead of 'effing educating themselves on the subject. Buy a copy of Anal Pleasure & Health. Hell, simply skim any kink forum threads about anal sex. Or I dunno... talk to the woman who's ass you want to nail, and see what she has to say about it.

<snip>

I've admired and respected the mouse for ages and this post is a prime example of why. Excellent and the humour of this story had me giggling out loud. I could almost 'see' you lecturing the guy. Priceless.

 

[FurryFury]

LOVE your post. It resonates for me too.

I would argue that *for me*, submission is the exact opposite of uncertainty or indecision - my life [as a submissive partner] is full of security and strength of conviction [in words and deeds]. I have never felt uncertainty or indecision when in a *healthy* D/s relationship. I'm picky; not many men are enough to live up to my standards. Because of that (in part), I rarely, if ever, have to worry about if I'm doing X the way a lover would want me to or not.



The bolded bit up there would be an example of my why I'm picky - I decide if the person will be a good addition to my life loooooooooong before we get anywhere near D/s type issues.There is one person on Lit with whom I suppose you could say I had a casual online "thing", as friends... and it took roughly three years of knowing one another through the forums, to even begin considering it.

In off-line life, I tend to know/date men for a few months before we start down that path. I'm always upfront about my proclivities, but I don't relinquish power casually. I've known one of my lovers almost 3 years; the other, one year. The one I've known longer has slightly more "freedom of use" available to him - *IF* he wants it - just because I've known him longer.



I don't hope; I demand. At the end of the day the only person I can depend on to take care of me, is still me - regardless of BDSM. I have a responsibility to my well being and self worth to never ever count on "hoping" someone knows what they're doing, or "hoping" they will be ethical enough to not fuck me over [in a bad way].

Funny story - my relationships aren't exactly monogamous (obviously, given that I have two lovers)... I had a few casual dates with someone new a couple months ago, and in the middle of things he pulled out a bottle of lube - a little bitty (> 3oz) bottle of Anal Ease, to be exact. I stopped everything, dead cold, sat up in bed half naked, and lectured him for having the audacity to bring that shit into MY house. Because while I have nothing against anal sex, there was no way in hell I was having anal sex with someone so ignorant and lazy that they'd take the advice of the minimum wage clerk down at Condom Sense, instead of 'effing educating themselves on the subject. Buy a copy of Anal Pleasure & Health. Hell, simply skim any kink forum threads about anal sex. Or I dunno... talk to the woman who's ass you want to nail, and see what she has to say about it.



Voices are important to me, as well; however, I'm interested in the entire person and don't do online relationships. I have no idea on the "will I finally be able to cum" thing, as my lovers are as equally dedicated my my orgasms, as their own.



No argument there. My definition of submission: submissives, submit.



I don't believe in punishment dynamics, and refuse to enter into a relationship with anyone who intends to "punish" me, instead of discuss things like adults.



Since I enjoy photography, a camera would be cool and is on my Christmas list, but for now I just use the iPhone cam... oh... you mean for sexual purposes. Yeah... no.



I've been accepting of my proclivities for almost 10 years now, and don't own any "toys"; personally, I find them completely unnecessary. If one wants insertables, I can see the necessity of dildos/etc designed for such things, but the world is full of hairbrushes, belts, office supplies, clothespins, kitchen implements...


Impatience (for me) is often countered by security and living life. On average, I see each of The Men™ once every 3-4 weeks; our lives are too full to see each other more often than that. Which sucks, because I miss them terribly when we're not together, but at the same time it offers me enough space and freedom to stay busy and accomplish things in my life. So I stay busy and accomplish things in my life.

 

[WajaLover]

Well, regardless, I've spoken to Master and things have cleared up between us. Now I'm nice and happy with life, if a little bored. But then, no one can be on 24/7 or as much as I'm on. (Unless you have no life and I have a very small, but annoying, amount of real life.) So boredom is to be expected.

Right now my bdsm life is only online and it's going to stay that way.

 

[intothewoods]

You have given us a good picture of your life as a sub. I know the experiences you are referring to, and it is neither fun nor satisfying to live that life as a sub.

I encourage you to redefine what "a sub's life" might be. You have the power to create the life you want to live. It may take years to fully learn what you need to learn to live your dreams, but there is no reason to start defining your life in other people's terms.

An undeveloped submissive personality may very well sit and wait for an unresponsive "other" to take control and take responsibility. I've done that, and consequently I've partnered in my youth with some real assholes, who treated me poorly. I accepted it all as an indication of my worthiness.

Know, in your heart, that the life of a sub might also be full of joy, satisfaction, love, children, creativity, spiritual growth, orgasms and adventure. It might be full of dirty dishes, laundry, chores, errands, tedious and unsatisfying sexual encounters, and waiting. And it probably will be filled with uncertainty, indecision, decisions, hope for the best, arousal, obedience, punishment, cameras, toys and patience.

Lots of patience.

Don't mistake the short life you have lived as a sub so far to be the totality of who you can be. Don't mistake the search for an internet relationship for "a sub's life." It is just a search.

You are searching.

I hope you find the happiness you are seeking.

This is excellent advice.

 

[HottieMama]

Right now my bdsm life is only online and it's going to stay that way.

In all sincerity, why is that?

 

[WajaLover]

Because there is only ONE man i trust to treat me well, and that's Master. As for why bdsm is only online for me, there are so many reasons for that it's not even funny.

 

[Vixandra]

A Sub's Life is Full of:
a) Uncertainty, Indecision, Decisions
b) Hope for the best: I hope He/She will do what's best for me. i hope They have experience.
c) Arousal: What if i can't get aroused by His or Her voice? Should i drop them? For me personally it's: Will i finally be able to cum?
d) Obedience
e) Punishment/Praise
f) Cameras: Do i need to get one? Should i get one?
g) Toys: How many should I have? What should I have? How do i choose?
h) Patience while waiting: I'm always full of impatience while i'm online and waiting for Master to get to me. I know that must be the case with other subs too.

This thread is for all subs to talk about their experiences with Masters. Please, no Masters and/or Mistresses on here. Keep that to pms and other threads.

But mostly uncertainty, obedience, punishment, and reacting to decisions made fills a submissive slave's life. In the small time I've been a sub, I've figured that out.

(No, I am not mentioning any names and don't ask me to. I won't and I refuse to. Who my Master is exactly is no one's business but mine and His/Hers.)

You can't really control who responds to these things and I feel like putting in my opinions.
A) If your PYL makes you feel uncertain and afraid on a regular basis, that is not a good thing. To me, collaring a sub is making a comitment to and with them, not just gaining a random toy to play with whenever. Its a relationship that goes both ways.

B) Hope is good. But if you're counting on a wing and a prayer to save you, that could be a nasty warning sign of trouble to ccome.

C) Sex is good.

D and E) these are individual relationship based. As long as the rules are clear and applied in a mutually acceptable manner, go for it.

F) Online relationships are helped by cameras and you can get some decent bargins this time of year.

G) Toys- variety is good but don't discount the everyday things either. Clothspins can be wickedly wonderful and are cheap.

H) Patience- any poly relationship needs patience. The more participants, the more it needs. But those participants do have needs, and those are important to address.

You say uncertainty is a key factor of your submissive side of life- why is that? Why do you not feel safe and secure in your PYL's reguard? Do you not want to?

 

[YourCaptor]

No, I already knew that. I've known it for a long time. But I do know that I need to be extra careful now in choosing who I give my personal info to. Believe me, I'm not about to post myself on the web, like on camera, except to someone i know and trust, like family.

This has really taught me how Immature I am, which I needed. In my life I don't have real examples of how people act and talk, and on here I do.

I've read in books how ancient cultures (this could be fact or fiction, I don't know which), how children resist adults babying them as they grow older. They want to grow up and so they increase....something, I'm not sure what. Anyways, the point is, they all have good examples of how to behave as they grow older. I don't. I'm surrounded by adults many years older than me. Now I have a lot of people advising me on what's going on and I need that. I need to learn.

To be grown up means you can make it on your own and add value to your surroundings.

 

[Etoile]

This thread is for all subs to talk about their experiences with Masters. Please, no Masters and/or Mistresses on here. Keep that to pms and other threads.

Just a tip, you can't control who posts in your threads.

 

[satindesire]

Because there is only ONE man i trust to treat me well, and that's Master. As for why bdsm is only online for me, there are so many reasons for that it's not even funny.

You're not seeing the actual question here.

Why do You think that YOUR BDSM LIFE only revolves around your Master?

Do you not understand that you can be educated by a mentor to further your knowledge without it being your Master? Just like you had multiple teachers in high school and college, you can have multiple teachers when it comes to BDSM. You cannot learn everything from ONE person. ONE person does not know everything, no matter how "good" he is.

You do understand that you -can- become involved in local BDSM activity, such as munches, Submissive Support groups, parties, etc? Even in small towns like the one I live in, there's still a (small) group of people who are active.

And if the city you life in is truly microscopic, you should be able to drive yourself out to a bigger city whose BDSM scene is more prolific.

If you're too young or you're too dependent on your parents to drive to those places by yourself, you probably would be better off in a mentor relationship instead of diving full-headlong into a BDSM relationship. You have to be able to take care of yourself before you can take care of another person as their submissive, even if it is just online.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I've found that this list does not describe all subs. I never thought it did, and I appreciate everyone who posts here giving advice. Being young with problems, I can only hope that this list will shorten into how other subs describe their life. I need all the advice I can get and I'm learning a lot. If the list doesn't shorten, then maybe I'm really domme, and not sub at all, but I don't think so. There are too many signs that point to my submissiveness.

Yannow, it's really ok to not be either.

You can be a bottom, or who likes sensation play done unto them, without being submissive. It's no either/or kind of thing.