Processing abuse (not a wank thread)

[Cattypuss]

My mum was the kind of mother you wouldn't run to if you fell over or got sick. No sympathy. No comfort. No empathy. Not the "safe place" that mothers should be. I learned that at a very young age (when I was a toddler).

I was sexually abused at age 11. A one-off. A neighbour. I was so terrified and upset that I sprinted home (I think, thinking on some level "surely for something THIS bad she'll give me some support of some kind") and, in tears, started to tell my mum what had just happened to me. She cut me off before I could even tell her what happened, and told me to go and have a shower and not tell anyone. No hug, no listening, no soft words - no safe place.

It was never spoken of again except for the next day when I said to her I was scared of walking past his house, which I had to do every day. She harshly told me to either suck up my fear or always engineer my walks for when my older brother was walking past too.

Anyhoo, what happened there was that back in 1979, when it happened, I was jolted by my mum's reaction within about three minutes of the abuse happening - and my mum's rejection of me became the more traumatic of the two events of the day (to have it proved to you at age 11 that, no matter WHAT happens to you, how hurt or upset you are, how much danger you are in etc etc etc - you are completely on your own and just have to cope like a grownup.... well, it was quite a moment for me).

And in the last 18 months or so with the help of my unbelievably supportive boyfriend and some Human Givens therapy I've been working through what 40-odd years of being my mother's daughter had done to me (I had spent my life believing very deeply I wasn't allowed to have needs or feelings and that I was not good/loveable enough to matter to anyone). Coincidentally but rather conveniently, late during this process my mum died, giving me a sense of freedom that helped a lot (there was no longer anyone on the planet who SHOULD care about me but didn't - my dad died in 2009).

Anyway, long story a bit shorter - having dealt with the trauma of my mum's reaction to the abuse, I recently found myself having, about 33 years too late, a reaction to the sexual abuse I was victim to.

I never had the child's reaction to it at the time because I was too busy reacting to my mum's final mammoth rejection of me.

And recently I had a period of about two weeks where I went through a kind of process. It happened to me - I had no control over it. It was traumatic. I went through -

• fear
• disgust
• shock
• trauma
• shame
• confusion
• self-pity

All understandable. Fine.

But then I started feeling the following -

• arousal
• imaginings of "what if I'd enjoyed it and shown him I was enjoying it? how would that have played out? (had some very intense orgasms when thinking about that and touching myself)
• wanting my boyf to treat me as a little girl and "abuse" me sexually (again, when I told him and he did, immensely hot sex)

I was not happy about this stuff. Made me feel like a criminal. Like I was somehow complicit in the morally abhorrent crime that was committed against me all those years ago.

My boyfriend spent a lot of time gently reassuring me and telling me that I was not morally wrong - that I was a victim of something morally wrong who was "reclaiming" it and processing something terrible in a healthy way.

But I still have very mixed feelings about it all.

Can anyone who was sexually abused in childhood identify with any of this?

THIS IS NOT A WANK THREAD AND I DO NOT WANT ANY PMs

 

[Sensual_Goddess]

My mum was the kind of mother you wouldn't run to if you fell over or got sick. No sympathy. No comfort. No empathy. Not the "safe place" that mothers should be. I learned that at a very young age (when I was a toddler).

I was sexually abused at age 11. A one-off. A neighbour. I was so terrified and upset that I sprinted home (I think, thinking on some level "surely for something THIS bad she'll give me some support of some kind") and, in tears, started to tell my mum what had just happened to me. She cut me off before I could even tell her what happened, and told me to go and have a shower and not tell anyone. No hug, no listening, no soft words - no safe place.

It was never spoken of again except for the next day when I said to her I was scared of walking past his house, which I had to do every day. She harshly told me to either suck up my fear or always engineer my walks for when my older brother was walking past too.

Anyhoo, what happened there was that back in 1979, when it happened, I was jolted by my mum's reaction within about three minutes of the abuse happening - and my mum's rejection of me became the more traumatic of the two events of the day (to have it proved to you at age 11 that, no matter WHAT happens to you, how hurt or upset you are, how much danger you are in etc etc etc - you are completely on your own and just have to cope like a grownup.... well, it was quite a moment for me).

And in the last 18 months or so with the help of my unbelievably supportive boyfriend and some Human Givens therapy I've been working through what 40-odd years of being my mother's daughter had done to me (I had spent my life believing very deeply I wasn't allowed to have needs or feelings and that I was not good/loveable enough to matter to anyone). Coincidentally but rather conveniently, late during this process my mum died, giving me a sense of freedom that helped a lot (there was no longer anyone on the planet who SHOULD care about me but didn't - my dad died in 2009).

Anyway, long story a bit shorter - having dealt with the trauma of my mum's reaction to the abuse, I recently found myself having, about 33 years too late, a reaction to the sexual abuse I was victim to.

I never had the child's reaction to it at the time because I was too busy reacting to my mum's final mammoth rejection of me.

And recently I had a period of about two weeks where I went through a kind of process. It happened to me - I had no control over it. It was traumatic. I went through -

• fear
• disgust
• shock
• trauma
• shame
• confusion
• self-pity

All understandable. Fine.

But then I started feeling the following -

• arousal
• imaginings of "what if I'd enjoyed it and shown him I was enjoying it? how would that have played out? (had some very intense orgasms when thinking about that and touching myself)
• wanting my boyf to treat me as a little girl and "abuse" me sexually (again, when I told him and he did, immensely hot sex)

I was not happy about this stuff. Made me feel like a criminal. Like I was somehow complicit in the morally abhorrent crime that was committed against me all those years ago.

My boyfriend spent a lot of time gently reassuring me and telling me that I was not morally wrong - that I was a victim of something morally wrong who was "reclaiming" it and processing something terrible in a healthy way.

But I still have very mixed feelings about it all.

Can anyone who was sexually abused in childhood identify with any of this?

THIS IS NOT A WANK THREAD AND I DO NOT WANT ANY PMs

Been there with you on that road; the bad mom, bad experiences.
It really does get better.
I don't think the mixed feelings ever go away, though. They are a part of you. They make you wise, strong, and human.

 

[the captians wench]

Catty, I'm sorry I didn't read that last line and sent you a PM. Do with it what you wish, but I'm not at a point where I can talk about such things in a public place.

 

[0112358]

I was not happy about this stuff. Made me feel like a criminal. Like I was somehow complicit in the morally abhorrent crime that was committed against me all those years ago.

My boyfriend spent a lot of time gently reassuring me and telling me that I was not morally wrong - that I was a victim of something morally wrong who was "reclaiming" it and processing something terrible in a healthy way.

But I still have very mixed feelings about it all.

I was never sexually abused, but I think I've endured enough emotinal abuse to be able to identify to a degree. As Sensual_Goddess points out, these feelings will likely remain a part of your forever. If you can have more positive than negative in that mix, then I think it's a good thing. Something you should feel good about. It does NOT mean you are condoning a crime - I very much doubt, if you met your asshole of a neighbour again, you'd say, "Thanks for that, please do that to more children." It just means you are learning to create good from bad. You don't owe it to anyone to be miserable for the rest of your life just to prove a point. Sounds like you've got a really good man there - if you owe anyone anything, you owe it to yourself and him to enjoy your sexuality freely, whether it happens to be kinky or not.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I don't think there is anything abnormal about regaining control you felt you did not have in that situation. I think it is healthy for your sexuality as well... especially in a bdsm way
Why?
Just because dark ugly scary secrets tend to rear theit ugly heads at the worst possible moments in intense play.
I am glad your bf is aware and working with you to make it better. I have experieced something similar recently and my Daddies are helping me through a scary thing for me. It helps to have the ones who own my heart handle it so gently and help fix it.
I am glad you are getting through this and don't ever feel badly for doing what you need to do to make yourself feel whole again. It is called survival.
would you like me to move this to talk?

 

[Cattypuss]

Thank you everyone

And KC - thanks - yes, on second thoughts it might be better moved to talk - thanks.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

<snip>
I was not happy about this stuff. Made me feel like a criminal. Like I was somehow complicit in the morally abhorrent crime that was committed against me all those years ago.

My boyfriend spent a lot of time gently reassuring me and telling me that I was not morally wrong - that I was a victim of something morally wrong who was "reclaiming" it and processing something terrible in a healthy way.

But I still have very mixed feelings about it all.

Can anyone who was sexually abused in childhood identify with any of this?

THIS IS NOT A WANK THREAD AND I DO NOT WANT ANY PMs

I believe that healing like this comes to us the only way we are able to let it in sometimes. Reaching a safe place in your life to finally be able to stop and nurse your wounds is a beautiful accomplishment in and of itself. I am so warmed by this place you have found and the strength you are showing in reclaiming yourself. If what you are doing soothes these wounds so that you are able to finally let them heal...then trust yourself and let it happen. There is no "right" way to do it, just what is right for you. You really do sound like you are in a better and safer place... so please let yourself enjoy that, rest, and let your heart breathe. You deserve it. Also I am sending props to the man in your life who sounds a beautiful human. Thank you for sharing.

 

[KoPilot]

I've got a skeleton in my closet and have never, in my life, told a soul about it. I informed S that I would gather the courage to tell him someday instead of taking it to the grave like I always thought I would, so when that time comes, I might finally have some kind of insight.

But yeah, lately I've been feeling like I'm dealing with the repercussions of something unsavory that happened a long time ago, but it feels too big and too subtle for me to unpack in the forseeable future. I'm glad that you're brave enough to do just that, though.

 

[Bandit58]

I haven't been sexually abused as a child, but I was date raped by my ex husband as a naive 18 year old. He was drunk which I know is no excuse and he wouldn't stop when I told him no you are hurting me.

He has never ever mentioned this incident and I believe he was that drunk he can't remember it. I buried it away deep inside and never mentioned it either, however I believe this affected the way I responded to sex my whole life. Until I met Sir I was never able to enjoy sex with a partner to orgasm.

After I left that first marriage I started having nightmares and flashbacks to the night of the rape. I realised that what had happened WAS rape and not just some misunderstanding that it was my fault for being in that bed naked and he just "took what he wanted".

I haven't had any counselling or anything of that nature, I have managed to deal with it myself with Sir's love.

That first marriage was emotionally abusive and I left after 23 years - I tried to talk to my mum about it once. She shut me down and didn't want to hear anything bad about her beloved son-in-law. She blamed me for leaving what she termed "a good man". I have never mentioned it again. I love my mother, but she lives in her own sunshiney happy little world.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I just wanted to offer my love and support to the voices here.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

<snip>
That first marriage was emotionally abusive and I left after 23 years - I tried to talk to my mum about it once. She shut me down and didn't want to hear anything bad about her beloved son-in-law. She blamed me for leaving what she termed "a good man". I have never mentioned it again. I love my mother, but she lives in her own sunshiney happy little world.

I am so thankful for my amazing mother. This and what Cattypuss has gone through is just so unacceptable. I have a good friend who had a similar situation to this. She finally divorced her abusive husband (he was a grabber and a pusher), and, despite the fact that her mother SAW THIS HAPPEN, her mother not only did not support her, but refused to believe her and, in fact, made her choose to either not participate in christmas, or participate in christmas with her abusive ex-husband.

Luckily, she reconnected with the love of her life and they're now happily living out their lives. booyah.

 

[Chiara_searches]

The feelings from sexual abuse can fade in time; at least for me I stopped having flashbacks in my mid-20s and I stopped feeling a lot of the associated shame in my early-30s. For me, it's actually the mother's rejection that lingers more in my day-to-day reality, even into my early-40s. It's largely why I don't have a relationship with my biological mother, although I doubt she realizes that I'm still hurt some 30 years after she told me "God was protecting me during those times."

Reclaiming yourself, along the lines the boyfriend is helping you with is, I think, an amazing thing to do for yourself. If you have kinky predilections, it gets confusing sometimes...or at least for me. But I know what "gets my rocks off" these days and I refuse to let the past be an excuse for holding me back. I find security in some of my kinks and that makes me feel more whole, sexually, than I have in a long time.

I don't think there is a "norm" on how this process works. But you are doing the right thing by talking about it. I've processed mostly on my own. This post is the first time I've allowed myself to speak about it in a couple of decades, although I do on occasion think about it and how I feel over the whole thing. I'm glad you have others helping you through it. It's harder on your own. And a part of me envies that you are able to talk about it with your boyfriend. Even my ex-husband didn't know and I doubt I'll ever tell my boyfriend. It would break his heart and I don't want to do that.

 

[Kurokami]

I was never sexually abused- my dad just used to beat the hell out of me while my mum sat back and did nothing. I don't think that's any better, exactly, but full disclosure and all.

Catty, I just need to tell you that it isn't your fault, no matter what. No matter how you're feeling about it, what happened to you was wrong, the asshole who did it to you is a fucking coward, and you're a far, far better human being than he. The fact that you're working through it is great, but it's natural it's bringing some painful stuff to the surface. And yeah, that sucks, but it's part and parcel of confronting your demons, I think.

It might not ever leave you, but it will get better. I've discovered this year that hearing my father's voice will bring on some pretty harsh stuff, which I've been working through recently. But even so, having to fight this crap in my past has made me a stronger person, and if it can make me better, it can sure as hell make a strong person like you better.

I'm rooting for you, Catty

 

[HottieMama]

that I was a victim of something morally wrong who was "reclaiming" it and processing something terrible in a healthy way.

From a psychological perspective, this is exactly what you are doing. Having thoughts/emotions that run the gamut from anger to arousal is normal and part of the process your brain goes through in trying to synthesize a traumatic event. It may even seem like a never-ending circle/spiral for a bit, but it will slow down and it will get better. Many people find that the "difficult" emotions are replaced with a type of "indifference" and acceptance. (NOT saying you will ever forget, or "not care," just saying that the emotional spikes will lessen considerably.)

I REALLY try to avoid giving pointed psych advice publicly, but I felt it was necessary. I hope I have not offended you in any way, and if you would like to talk more, please PM me...

Take Care...

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I'm so moved by the courage that I see in you, CP, and in the others here who are striving not to be defined by something over which they had no control.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

 

[Cattypuss]

Thanks everyone

And to those who have gone through are are going through or are trying to go through their own "processes",

Something that Chiara said about breaking her boyfriend's heart made me want to post a bit more.

I was very hesitant about opening up about all this to my BF. And he did cry when I first told him. But I know that we have been a lot closer since all of this. And I know that if you asked him he would say without hesitation that he is glad I told him and allowed him to help me talk through it (I guess it's different for me than you, Chiara, as you have already processed your stuff - I TOTALLY repressed it for over 30 years... in that I would quite happily tell people I'd been abused as a child, but I always said that it hadn't affected me AT ALL - and I believed that, I guess because the whole experience was instantly eclipsed by my mother's behaviour).

After I told my BF about the less welcome delayed after-effects of the abuse which were starting to happen (the arousal, the wanting him to treat me in certain ways... him doing that with me and witnessing how hyper-responsive it made me etc etc)..... well I texted him the next day to say "I know you say that everything I am experiencing is fine and not to be judged, and I know you mean it when you say it, but I also feel that, somewhere deep down, you must have lost some respect for me after last night".

His reply was "No - I have GAINED respect for you after last night. That took a lot of courage and honesty and my respect for you has only deepened".

I just want to put that out there for the people who are scared to open up to those close to them.

 

[Cattypuss]

Obviously the warning against PMs was directed at the wankers.

A heartfelt thanks to all those people who were abused children and who have PM'd me to share their stories and their own "processes" with me - this is all helping me and I hope that being able to share, albeit privately, has been of some help to you too.

 

[midwestyankee]

Hug, CP.

I'm glad to read that healing arrived when you were able to accept it.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

not alone

Dear CP:
First, you are not alone. Thank you for your courage in writing and describing your abuse. My first reaction (duh) is that the abuse from your mother has substantially more to do with your difficulties than the abuse by the neighbor. I'd encourage you to get and read a copy of The Wounded Heart by Dan Allender.
The basic things you need to learn, as have pretty much been pointed out here is that the bad things were not your fault, you were, very unfortunately, born to a mother who was unable to be a mother. You deserved and do now deserve, respect, honor, love, nurturing and good things in your life.
ALL of the reactions you describe make perfect sense to those of us who have had similar backgrounds and all it means is that your mind is doing it's very best to cope with your past and it is doing so because you are finally in a safer place so it is possible to look at the feelings generated by your experience after you emotional life was shut down when you were3 a child. That was a protective mechanism and happens or happened to many of us.
I HIGHLY recommend a skilled therapist with a background of helping those who have been abused. Those who treat adult children of alcoholics, as one group, are a good bet to offer real help.
IF it would help, write your feelings and thoughts in a journal or to a sympathetic ear here. You might also consider opening an account at www.writing.com and posting there.
N

 

[cfuhrer]

I believe that healing like this comes to us the only way we are able to let it in sometimes. Reaching a safe place in your life to finally be able to stop and nurse your wounds is a beautiful accomplishment in and of itself. I am so warmed by this place you have found and the strength you are showing in reclaiming yourself. If what you are doing soothes these wounds so that you are able to finally let them heal...then trust yourself and let it happen. There is no "right" way to do it, just what is right for you. You really do sound like you are in a better and safer place... so please let yourself enjoy that, rest, and let your heart breathe. You deserve it. Also I am sending props to the man in your life who sounds a beautiful human. Thank you for sharing.

Cali has stated it so well all I can say is I wholeheartedly agree.

 

[Keroin]

CP, it's so good to see you healing. Hang in there.

 

[Minalick]

......