Sensations

[choco1469]

Bad boy
Look what you've done to me
you have me craving for you
my lips part as you kiss them slowly
moving your mouth to my neck
your tongue caresses it ever so sweetly
i moan
as you thrust your body
against mine
i feel your penis harden
as you touch my boobs
the sensation makes me shiver
you read my mind
and pull me even closer to you
and nibble on my boobs
mmmhmmmmm
i push you against the wall
as i search for your penis
as you moan my name
over and over and over again
i moan in response
as i pleasure you
i love to tease you and pleasure you
your penis against my mouth
makes me wetter
as i touch myself
you push my hand away
and start exploring deep in me with your hand
i moan and climb on you
im so restless as i get inside of you
your face caresses my boobs
you make my nipples hard
with the up and down motions
i feel like exploding
you love it too
its easy to see
you scream my name
and squeeze my butt cheeks
i moan one big moan
finally i cum on your penis
as you follow
you cum hot volcanic eruption cum
all over my hard nipples
we leave each other content
as we depart for our next journey

 

[bronzeage]

I like this piece, very straightforward and graphic.

In first person poems, avoid "I feel...". Instead of "I feel your penis harden," say "Your penis hardens." The reader needs to be in your head, using your eyes and fingers. This puts them just a little closer to it.

 

[choco1469]

i hope the images worked for you

 

[arithorn]

love the hot eruption of cum over your hard nipples, very graphic, gave me a nice picture

 

[choco1469]

and with that i take a shower as you caress my boobs...can't let them get sweaty and dirty

 

[choco1469]

i know u cant get it out of your mind

love the hot eruption of cum over your hard nipples, very graphic, gave me a nice picture

 

[_Land]

Bad boy
Look what you've done to me
you have me craving for you
my lips part as you kiss them slowly
moving your mouth to my neck
your tongue caresses it ever so sweetly
i moan
as you thrust your body
against mine
i feel your penis harden
as you touch my boobs
the sensation makes me shiver
you read my mind
and pull me even closer to you
and nibble on my boobs
mmmhmmmmm
i push you against the wall
as i search for your penis
as you moan my name
over and over and over again
i moan in response
as i pleasure you
i love to tease you and pleasure you
your penis against my mouth
makes me wetter
as i touch myself
you push my hand away
and start exploring deep in me with your hand
i moan and climb on you
im so restless as i get inside of you ( how is the female getting inside the male?)
your face caresses my boobs
you make my nipples hard
with the up and down motions
i feel like exploding
you love it too
its easy to see
you scream my name
and squeeze my butt cheeks
i moan one big moan
finally i cum on your penis
as you follow
you cum hot volcanic eruption cum
all over my hard nipples
we leave each other content
as we depart for our next journey

The imagery is nice, but the repetition leaves a lot to be desired. I dont mind the terminology that you used, but repetitively using a word over and over in such short order doesnt stimulate my mind the way this could if you were more creative with your word choice. I think by leaving out a lot of the repetition will put some more edge in to this. IE:

you scream my name
and squeeze my cheeks
one big moan
finally i peak
as you follow
with a hot volcanic eruption
your lava on hardened nipples
we leave content
as we depart for our next journey


This isnt exactly what i would do but just to give you an idea of how leaving out some of the repetition can create a more breath taking picture.


Keep up the good work


_Land

 

[choco1469]

you are right: ( how is the female getting inside the male?)

i reread my poem, i use the word moan a lot, but isnt that wat happens during sex anyways, cant help that. i get the idea, thank you!

The imagery is nice, but the repetition leaves a lot to be desired. I dont mind the terminology that you used, but repetitively using a word over and over in such short order doesnt stimulate my mind the way this could if you were more creative with your word choice. I think by leaving out a lot of the repetition will put some more edge in to this. IE:

you scream my name
and squeeze my cheeks
one big moan
finally i peak
as you follow
with a hot volcanic eruption
your lava on hardened nipples
we leave content
as we depart for our next journey


This isnt exactly what i would do but just to give you an idea of how leaving out some of the repetition can create a more breath taking picture.


Keep up the good work


_Land

 

[twelveoone]

Bad boy
Look what you've done to me
you have me craving for you
my lips part as you kiss them slowly
moving your mouth to my neck
your tongue caresses it ever so sweetly
i moan
as you thrust your body
against mine
i feel your penis harden
as you touch my boobs
the sensation makes me shiver
you read my mind
and pull me even closer to you
and nibble on my boobs
mmmhmmmmm
i push you against the wall
as i search for your penis
as you moan my name
over and over and over again
i moan in response
as i pleasure you
i love to tease you and pleasure you
your penis against my mouth
makes me wetter
as i touch myself
you push my hand away
and start exploring deep in me with your hand
i moan and climb on you
im so restless as i get inside of you
your face caresses my boobs
you make my nipples hard
with the up and down motions
i feel like exploding
you love it too
its easy to see
you scream my name
and squeeze my butt cheeks
i moan one big moan
finally i cum on your penis
as you follow
you cum hot volcanic eruption cum
all over my hard nipples
we leave each other content
as we depart for our next journey

Hey choco
just a thought

You can make a lot more money doing phone sex than writing poetry.

And you're better at it.

"you cum hot volcanic eruption cum
all over my hard nipples"

sounds soooo much better over the phone (perhaps a few more cums)

reading it...well I'm struck by the over familiarity and the hyberbole.

 

[choco1469]

haha i ll take that as a compliment, although i love to write poetry

Hey choco
just a thought

You can make a lot more money doing phone sex than writing poetry.

And you're better at it.

"you cum hot volcanic eruption cum
all over my hard nipples"

sounds soooo much better over the phone (perhaps a few more cums)

reading it...well I'm struck by the over familiarity and the hyberbole.

 

[twelveoone]

haha i ll take that as a compliment, although i love to write poetry

I don't mean to dissuade you. But writing poetry is a huge pain in the ass. Most of it is craft, and a huge amount of disagreement about what is the craft and the the proper use of the craft. But any better than average poet will agree it is the edit that is important, a ruthless discarding of...the superfluous, the cliched, the hackneyed.
All to arrive at a point where the finished product seems effortless. Now your product seems effortless, because in part it is, but there is nothing new in it. By no means am I singling you out. Your work maybe on a par with about half that is submitted in new poems, and some even praised by the crotch ravens that flock to...*succulent cunts* (which if I saw just once, would be praiseworthy, but is now rather dusty)
My advice (and not for you alone) take the time to read someone that mastered at least some aspects of the craft. I would recommend WickedEve, but she is no longer here. As are many other good poets, because they don't have the stomach for saying these things repeatedly. She even had a thread years ago, specifically mentioning the "volcano".
But I'm a big prick when it comes to cliched thinking- find a way to say it like it has never been said before.

If what I just said seems hard and harsh, it is nothing compared to the craft.