Dom Earning Trust

[sandradrake]

I'm not quite sure if I'm asking the right question or wording this the right way but I want to write a semi-biographical story about a sub who recently escaped a mean dom (Not so much a dom as an asshole) - Her problem is that she is still a sub and knows that she needs a dom to feel complete - How could a dom win her trust or teach her to completely trust him after being abused by her previous partner?

 

[CookingDom]

The only way you can do that is chalk the last one down to experience and learn from it.
We all experience bad past relationships, just get up, dust yourself off and carry on, but don't base the next relationship on the last one. Don't make it about him proving he's not like the ex or you will never be able to let go and he'll spend half the time proving something based on someone else's behaviour.

 

[wicked woman]

You said it yourself. He was an asshole not a Dom. So you haven't experienced a relationship with a Dom. You'd be starting fresh.

And besides, every new relationship, D/s or not, requires learning to trust each other.

 

[rekane]

I would say that patience, lots of patience, would work. Perhaps, alternating a strong hand with a soft touch. Also the confidence that dominants possess can go a long way. Telling her he will work to earn her trust, and will wait for it, is another good thing.

Specifically, when she starts to blither about how trust was eroded and how much of an asshole the previous alleged dom was, he could respond with "Aren't you happy that you are with me, then? Now be quiet and do what I tell you."

That helped me. A lot.

(Thanks, meinen.)

 

[DVS]

I'm not quite sure if I'm asking the right question or wording this the right way but I want to write a semi-biographical story about a sub who recently escaped a mean dom (Not so much a dom as an asshole) - Her problem is that she is still a sub and knows that she needs a dom to feel complete - How could a dom win her trust or teach her to completely trust him after being abused by her previous partner?

To be true to life, the abusive asshole may have created scars that don't show, physically. Her social skills could be injured...confidence in herself to be able to know who she can trust. She may retreat internally, effectively putting up a shell to the outside world as a defense. She would have a difficult time trusting anybody after the abuse. Any attempts could only make matters worse. While it might be possible, it would take a long time for someone to infiltrate the wall of protection her subconscious has created, enough that she could begin to trust him. It's likely that the abusive asshole displayed the same trusting traits when he first met her. That's how abusive assholes work.

Now, if she were able to break free of the asshole's control before it was complete, she might not be so totally brainwashed against another relationship. But, even if she did break free, her self doubt would be strong and trusting another person who could possibly be the same type of man as the one she just escaped from would be very scary.

For her sanity, just allowing someone to be a friend would be difficult. I think that would be the only way to effectively gain any trust of someone who has just experienced mental and physical abuse. Restoring her self confidence would be a slow process. In some cases, professional help may be best in assisting her recovery and knowing when she might allow another man into her sexual confidence again.

 

[serijules]

I would suggest she re-evaluate the "needs a dom to be complete" thing first. Pegging your happiness on someone else is a road to disaster. You need to like yourself first. Someone coming out of a bad relationship trying to find another one to complete themselves is...bad juju.

I've always felt that if you need someone to work extra hard to earn your trust, then you are not ready to be in a relationship with them. I totally understand being hurt and losing faith in yourself and in others, but I also strongly believe that the "faith in yourself" part need to be healed first. The trusting others part should come easier after that.

As in any relationship of any sort, time is the best foundation. Get to know someone well before you jump into things. Trust comes with time. It isn't an instant powder you just add water to, which unfortunately seems to be what many people expect and thus, why they get hurt. Assholes usually can't pretend to be anything else for long...give them time before you give them so much of yourself. It's a lot easier to move on if you need to.

 

[social_morality]

I would suggest she re-evaluate the "needs a dom to be complete" thing first. Pegging your happiness on someone else is a road to disaster. You need to like yourself first. Someone coming out of a bad relationship trying to find another one to complete themselves is...bad juju.

I've always felt that if you need someone to work extra hard to earn your trust, then you are not ready to be in a relationship with them. I totally understand being hurt and losing faith in yourself and in others, but I also strongly believe that the "faith in yourself" part need to be healed first. The trusting others part should come easier after that.

As in any relationship of any sort, time is the best foundation. Get to know someone well before you jump into things. Trust comes with time. It isn't an instant powder you just add water to, which unfortunately seems to be what many people expect and thus, why they get hurt. Assholes usually can't pretend to be anything else for long...give them time before you give them so much of yourself. It's a lot easier to move on if you need to.

I agree with everything you said, serijules, except for the "needing a dom to be complete". There are some people out there that don't like having the control in their life so they feel like they do need someone to take control of them in order to be complete.

 

[subwannabe]

I don't know if the dynamics are really any different just because she is a sub. Any time a person goes through something like this, whether they are dom/sub or not, I believe the same rules apply. Time can heal wounds but most of the time a scar is still left. Every person handles these things kind of differently or doesn't handle them kind of differently. In other words, if you are writing a story I think you have a lot of leeway.

 

[JMohegan]

I'm not quite sure if I'm asking the right question or wording this the right way but I want to write a semi-biographical story about a sub who recently escaped a mean dom (Not so much a dom as an asshole) - Her problem is that she is still a sub and knows that she needs a dom to feel complete - How could a dom win her trust or teach her to completely trust him after being abused by her previous partner?

A better question would be: How can an s learn to distinguish between trustworthy & untrustworthy people?

You said it yourself. He was an asshole not a Dom. So you haven't experienced a relationship with a Dom. You'd be starting fresh.

"Dom" is not synonymous with "person of sterling character."

Some D-types are assholes in general. Others are godsends to a fitting partner, but assholes to the poorly matched.

 

[DVS]

I don't know if the dynamics are really any different just because she is a sub. Any time a person goes through something like this, whether they are dom/sub or not, I believe the same rules apply. Time can heal wounds but most of the time a scar is still left. Every person handles these things kind of differently or doesn't handle them kind of differently. In other words, if you are writing a story I think you have a lot of leeway.

You have tons of room for storyline, if you are writing a story of fiction. But, the opening post said the story would be a semi-biographical story about a sub who recently escaped a mean dom (Not so much a dom as an asshole). Sometimes, writers have an obligation to their readers, and some readers won't even read something that isn't based on facts, if it's semi-biographical, as you mentioned.

As the writer, it might do well to intertwine a bit of explanation, describing just how much the abusive asshole was able to brainwash her mind before she broke free. Of course complete fiction is different and the story could be she wasn't hurt mentally at all, and so there is no residual trauma to deal with, when she meets the next prospective partner.

Being true to life might get more readers, but fiction could work, too. Just keep in mind which way you're going, because if it is meant to be real and isn't, many readers can see past something that just doesn't ring true.

 

[FurryFury]

There is so much good advice on this thread. I hope the OP and others with the same issue really pay attention.

I agree that if you are looking for someone or something else to make you or life complete, you are set for failure.

I would say, listen to your first flash of instinct.

Be wise when exploring a relationship.

And don't close yourself off from the love / hurt that is possible because that way nothing can happen at all.

FF

 

[mdavid_1964]

Trust Must Be Earned One Day At A Time

If you have been in the D's world for any length of time as either a Dom or submissive it's likely that at least one of your relationships didn't go the way you expected or wanted. It takes time and effort to really get to know someone, especially online, and determine whether there is the right chemistry for a healthy and happy D's relationship. It has to be right for you both emotionally and physically and that normally takes time to achieve.

Trust is definitely one of the most important aspects of a sucessful D's relationship and both the Dom and the submissive need to earn it one day at a time, and a commitment to each other should never be rushed no matter how right it might seem at the beginning. Words and actions both need to be weighed in making a decision whether there is the right chemistry. In my experience a submissives actions often speak louder and more clearly about her intent and interest than her words. Words can be exactly what we want to hear but only time will tell if they are really truthful. As the bond between the two partners grows so will trust. It's like the two of you planting a seed. It requires time, nourishment, and attention if it's going to grow and reach its full potential.

We can't change who we are inside and both a Dom and a submissive will always feel that ache and hunger to be whole and complete that only comes when they are truly "one" with their other half. Once you enter this world it becomes part of who you are and even a bad experience will not change what you want and need to be happy.

If you had a bad experience take some time to heal. Don't shut yourself off from the rest of the world like I once did. Talk to others and understand that we are all human and sometimes make bad choices in life, and are disappointed by others we trusted. When you are ready again take things slowly and learn to trust your own instincts, and give your trust to someone only after it's truly been earned.

Don't give up, there are still a lot of good people here that you can lean on for support , and someday you will find another Dom that will be the right one.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

For the sake of the storyline, if this is to be a story of her healing... then in my opinion she will need a time of quiet reflection and rest. He can visit her in the hospital, but she needs to stay there until she can walk again, or else the burden of care will ride on his shoulders and as romantic as it may seem for him to carry her, he will tire out and so will the relationship. The odds are just better when facing a long journey to start it with 2 people that can walk. Leaning on someone can be a comfort and act as a sort of temporary pain relief, but ultimately the actual tissue repair happens on a cellular level and deep with in ourselves to truly "heal". He simply can't do that for her.

Words and promises are romantic and wonderful ideals but ultimately people will always show you who they are and it is our job to believe them when they do. It is not their job to prove it. The human animal is fallible and mistakes happen and good intentions can be a soothing salve for some... and lessons of forgiveness and compassion are critical to nurture the human heart. But that said, wounds are wounds and need rest, time, and nutrition to heal. Healing includes a letting go of the past and accepting it for what it was. Grief can't be carried forward, it needs to be let go or it limits our capacity and diminishes our potential. For the story to be believable you have to honor that. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Stella_Omega]

A better question would be: How can an s learn to distinguish between trustworthy & untrustworthy people?

"Dom" is not synonymous with "person of sterling character."

Some D-types are assholes in general. Others are godsends to a fitting partner, but assholes to the poorly matched.

The scariest thing that I see in het women, and I see it-- over and over again-- is this idea that a man who calls himself a "Dom" is some sort of princely boyscout Robin Hood Lancelot with a full head of hair, a big dick, and perfect hygiene.

 

[graceanne]

The scariest thing that I see in het women, and I see it-- over and over again-- is this idea that a man who calls himself a "Dom" is some sort of princely boyscout Robin Hood Lancelot with a full head of hair, a big dick, and perfect hygiene.

Seriously. It's like people don't realize that someone can call themselves anything, that doesn't necessarily mean that they're what they call themselves. Or, it could mean that their definition isn't the same as yours. This is not just true in the BDSM world. Just because someone call him/herself something (like a specific religion or political group or job, even) and they could be lying! That's why you really need to get to know people before you do anything involving trust! Communication, people!

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

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