What Would You Do?

[HottieMama]

I'm really torn about this and don't quite know what decision to make so I figured I would lay it out here and try to get some opinions...

I have been talking to a new guy I met on a dating website. He's GREAT. Smart, funny, creative, kinky, VERY attractive....and a daily drinker and pot smoker. I knew about the booze from Day 1, and I really have no issue with that as he doesn't drink to get drunk. I found out about the pot smoking last night when we were on Skype. Most of you that know me here know that I am a recovering addict. I don't typically associate with "users" of any kind in real-time. There are two reasons for that. It's self-protective first of all, and second of all, I tend to become a real holier-than-thou asshole when someone gets high around me. I will preach about addiction and recovery, and most "high" people don't want to hear that.

I am/was planning on driving down to him next weekend to spend some face time with him. I REALLY REALLY like this guy...except for the drug part. I'm torn. Part of me wants to say "fuck it," and just stop talking to him....and part of me thinks I need to accept the fact that there are a lot of people that smoke pot and I shouldn't turn down a potentially good relationship just because he smokes.

So, if you were me, what would you do?

 

[RunningJib]

You know what to do

I'm really torn about this and don't quite know what decision to make so I figured I would lay it out here and try to get some opinions...

I have been talking to a new guy I met on a dating website. He's GREAT. Smart, funny, creative, kinky, VERY attractive....and a daily drinker and pot smoker. I knew about the booze from Day 1, and I really have no issue with that as he doesn't drink to get drunk. I found out about the pot smoking last night when we were on Skype. Most of you that know me here know that I am a recovering addict. I don't typically associate with "users" of any kind in real-time. There are two reasons for that. It's self-protective first of all, and second of all, I tend to become a real holier-than-thou asshole when someone gets high around me. I will preach about addiction and recovery, and most "high" people don't want to hear that.

I am/was planning on driving down to him next weekend to spend some face time with him. I REALLY REALLY like this guy...except for the drug part. I'm torn. Part of me wants to say "fuck it," and just stop talking to him....and part of me thinks I need to accept the fact that there are a lot of people that smoke pot and I shouldn't turn down a potentially good relationship just because he smokes.

So, if you were me, what would you do?

You're going to take a pass. Otherwise, your demons will be back. Is it worth it?

 

[HottieMama]

You're going to take a pass. Otherwise, your demons will be back. Is it worth it?

Not necessarily, on either count. I will NEVER "use" with this guy. I am as firm in that as I am that my name is Nicole. I won't throw away 13.5 years clean for anyone or anything.

 

[Kojote]

I'd suggest that you go and meet him and see if there's something chemical in the air, anyway.
If there is you seem to be strong enough to tell him to quit or leave him alone.

I'd call that 'straight'.
And you would give him at least a chance to get done what it needs to clear a path for the two of you. Even if he doesn't get it...

 

[minx1]

I think you are right about protecting yourself first and foremost.

I'd talk to him about it and be upfront. Find out if he smoke everyday or just occassionally etc and figure out if it's a big part of who he is and what he enjoys or whether he can take it or leave it.

I think I would base my decision on those answers.

ets: oops just reread your post hon and saw you already know its an everyday thing. Mmmm I can definitely understand the reservations you have.
Honestly, I think if I were in your shoes I would probably not want surround my self with someone who drinks and smokes daily, even if he is wonderful in every other way. Is the smoking something he might be willing to give up?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I'd say at least go meet him. I mean, I can totally understand where you are coming from, but pot isn't really any worse than alcohol or tobacco in my mind. God I still do not understand how people with a tobacco addiction can justify getting all up in a recreational pot smoker's business.

You didn't tell us how much he smokes pot, so I'm just going to make a general assumption that you don't know exactly how much he does. If it turns out you passed up an awesome opportunity to date someone who smokes a joint every few days, would that disappoint you?

I don't know. If he's as smart about it as he seems about drinking then I--and I emphasize "I", I am only theoretically familiar with where you are coming from--do not see his pot smoking as being a huge problem.

I find a tobacco habit to be a lot worse than an occasional joint. I really wish my boy would quit all the way, but he's a social smoker in Australia so you can imagine how well that usually pans out.

Like others have said, you need to do what's best for YOU in the end. This IS just what I would do. If it doesn't work for you, feel free to ignore me

*Teehee* I totally know your name now >:}

 

[BiBunny]

If it were me, I wouldn't. But potheads irritate the shit out of me. I can only hear "Wait...what?" a finite number of times before I'm ready to stab someone in the balls.

 

[CutieMouse]

I'd have a conversation pointing out that you have X years clean, and know that you become a preachy self-righteous asshole around people who do drugs. Period. End of Story. At this stage of the game it's just part of who you are... then ask him if he has any thoughts/opinions/ideas on where to go from there.

 

[janeyruth]

Stay away from. As the song says, Walk Away, Renée...

 

[bhndblueyes88]

If it were me, I wouldn't. But potheads irritate the shit out of me. I can only hear "Wait...what?" a finite number of times before I'm ready to stab someone in the balls.

lol! You know, it's probably just because I've always been around pretty responsible smokers, but I've never had that problem

 

[HottieMama]

He smokes every day. Several times a day. He has been doing it for years, and will "never" give it up. CutieMouse, you are right in that I need to make it very clear to him about just how much of a "recovery thumper," I become around people who get high. See what he has to say after that.

bhndblueeyes.... My first name has always been a part of my sig. line....

 

[bhndblueyes88]

He smokes every day. Several times a day. He has been doing it for years, and will "never" give it up. CutieMouse, you are right in that I need to make it very clear to him about just how much of a "recovery thumper," I become around people who get high. See what he has to say after that.

bhndblueeyes.... My first name has always been a part of my sig. line....

d'oh. *facepalm* it's the light color! I swear! My eyes can't see it!! *vigorous nodding*

if he smokes that much, i suppose how tolerable it would be to you might depend on how responsible he is about it. Which you'd have to go meet him to find out. and yah, it definitely sounds like making your stance on things clear is the way to go. Really, it sounds like you've got a good handle on it

 

[Betticus]

You've already answered your own question. This relationship, no matter how much you like the guy has already ended. The only thing left is to go through the whole meeting him, falling in love, falling apart, heartbreak and the wasted time of you life you'll never get back.

Getting into a relationship or situation that goes against your personal morals and ethics will never become a happily ever after situation no matter how much you wish it would for either of you. If you get involved then you bear the stigma of compromising your morals and you're already wanting him to change who he is to match what you're looking for.

This is just my opinion based on my own personal experiences and the experiences of my family/friends I've seen go through similar situations. I'm not trying to give you advice, just sharing. It sounds like you've got a tough personal decision to make and I hope that whatever you decide is right for you.

 

[HottieMama]

You've already answered your own question. This relationship, no matter how much you like the guy has already ended. The only thing left is to go through the whole meeting him, falling in love, falling apart, heartbreak and the wasted time of you life you'll never get back.

Getting into a relationship or situation that goes against your personal morals and ethics will never become a happily ever after situation no matter how much you wish it would for either of you. If you get involved then you bear the stigma of compromising your morals and you're already wanting him to change who he is to match what you're looking for.

This is just my opinion based on my own personal experiences and the experiences of my family/friends I've seen go through similar situations. I'm not trying to give you advice, just sharing. It sounds like you've got a tough personal decision to make and I hope that whatever you decide is right for you.

Wow...Betticus... Thank you from the bottom of my heart...

 

[DVS]

He smokes every day. Several times a day. He has been doing it for years, and will "never" give it up. CutieMouse, you are right in that I need to make it very clear to him about just how much of a "recovery thumper," I become around people who get high. See what he has to say after that.

bhndblueeyes.... My first name has always been a part of my sig. line....

As a past every day smoker, I think so much "user" talk is over rated. But, everybody is different, so I can't say what someone else might experience. I've seen many different types of every day smokers. Some are just doing it for the buzz, while some can be doing it to medicate something, like reality.

While the high doesn't last that long, you'd have to smoke almost like they were cigarettes to constantly be high. Also, the more you smoke, your body develops a resistance to it, so it takes more to achieve the same high.

He might be smoking this much for different reasons, but that doesn't mean anything, right now. He obviously can handle it, or you wouldn't be tempted by his personality.

But, if you are trying to stay off drugs, being around someone who constantly uses drugs is only tempting fate. A visit might be OK, but if your drug was pot, the smell will tempt you. Depending on your resilience, that temptation could be too much to resist.

Personally, I would be able to resist, because I would lose my job if I smoked. I didn't quit because it was a bad thing, or because I was a chronic user. If I could afford it and didn't have a job that gives random drug tests to all employees, I might still be smoking. But for me, it was the cost and the risk of always having to find it.

Because it's illegal, it was more and more the risk of losing everything I had gained in life, however you want to take that. As far as drug tests, that drug stays in your system for up to a month. Other drugs go through your system much faster, even days. Just one quick high could jeopardize everything I've worked so hard to achieve in my life.

His smoking so much is not just to get a buzz. Like I said, he's either never taken a break so his tolerance could recover, or he's medicating something, and he might not even know it. Nobody "needs" that much pot just to feel good. If someone drank that much, they'd be considered an alcoholic. In my opinion, pot is different in that way, but it's still the same as alcohol in that your reality is skewed. He feels he needs it...there's something he doesn't like about his sober reality that he has to continuously alter it. And the person you are seeing is also altered by the pot, at least a little.

I'm ranting about this, so I'll get to the point. If you feel you would be tempted or otherwise bothered by his smoking (whatever the reason), I'd be worried that it would come between you. His smoking every day would be difficult, if it is something you are very bothered by. A visit might be OK, but a long visit might be difficult.

If you ask him to smoke only when you weren't around, that could eventually come between you. You are asking him to alter his life to be with you. If he is willing to do that, then long visits could cause whatever he's chasing away by smoking so much to become back in force.

He must confront why he's smoking so much, if you are to be together. He might be willing to do that, and he might not. You must be sure about his answer, before you think about changing your life to be with him.

I hope I didn't ramble too much.

 

[HottieMama]

DVS... You didn't ramble at all. You brought up a point that I had been considering quite heavily. He's not smoking to get a buzz.... IMO, he's smoking to maintain... Maintain what??? I'm not sure. (He's had a difficult life these past few years, I know that...but the daily smoking started before that.)

Pot was not my drug of choice but I used it whenever I needed a "hold over" until I could get smack. I LOVED pot...and I especially loved sex after/during smoking. That's another thing I have been thinking about. Let's face it, we're probably going to play/fuck. Can I do that with someone who is "altered" in any way? (Never something I had to contemplate before...) Can I kiss him, taste pot, and be ok? I *think* I can...but I can't be 100000000% sure...

 

[marieR19]

Pot was not my drug of choice but I used it whenever I needed a "hold over" until I could get smack. I LOVED pot...and I especially loved sex after/during smoking. That's another thing I have been thinking about. Let's face it, we're probably going to play/fuck. Can I do that with someone who is "altered" in any way? (Never something I had to contemplate before...) Can I kiss him, taste pot, and be ok? I *think* I can...but I can't be 100000000% sure...

There's your answer, then.

It really just seems like an all-around bad idea to get serious about this guy, knowing everything you know, going through what you've been through... Even if you are strong enough to resist temptation, it *will* end up altering the way you behave around him, the way the relationship is played out... And it can't end well from there.

*sends lots and lots of hugs*

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

You've already answered your own question. This relationship, no matter how much you like the guy has already ended. The only thing left is to go through the whole meeting him, falling in love, falling apart, heartbreak and the wasted time of you life you'll never get back.

Getting into a relationship or situation that goes against your personal morals and ethics will never become a happily ever after situation no matter how much you wish it would for either of you. If you get involved then you bear the stigma of compromising your morals and you're already wanting him to change who he is to match what you're looking for.

This is just my opinion based on my own personal experiences and the experiences of my family/friends I've seen go through similar situations. I'm not trying to give you advice, just sharing. It sounds like you've got a tough personal decision to make and I hope that whatever you decide is right for you.

I completely agree with this.

 

[graceanne]

Personally, I'd be outta here. First off, usually people who smoke pot like he does are self medicating for something like an anxiety disorder. I don't know a LOT of bipolar people, but all the ones I know (who aren't on their meds) smoke pot as a form of self medication. Either way, you don't need this.

The other reason I'd be outta here is because you have kids. Look down the road. What if things are perfect? What if everything goes great and you fall in love with this guy. What if he falls in love with you? What if you want to move in together, but oh wait. He smokes pot. Daily. If the state finds out that someone is smoking pot, daily, around your kids you could lose them. So you would then either have to make the decision to break up with him or allow smoking around your kids, then running the risk of losing them. It'd be easier to choose not to get involved now then later, when you're in love.

And, of course, there is the whole sobriety thing on your part. Once again, looking down the road, there are two ways this can do. You annoy the shit out of him, because drug addicts annoy you and you end up hating each other, or you start using again yourself, once again running the risk of losing your kids.

This is a no win situation.

 

[Pandorica]

Personally, I'd be outta here. First off, usually people who smoke pot like he does are self medicating for something like an anxiety disorder. I don't know a LOT of bipolar people, but all the ones I know (who aren't on their meds) smoke pot as a form of self medication. Either way, you don't need this.

The other reason I'd be outta here is because you have kids. Look down the road. What if things are perfect? What if everything goes great and you fall in love with this guy. What if he falls in love with you? What if you want to move in together, but oh wait. He smokes pot. Daily. If the state finds out that someone is smoking pot, daily, around your kids you could lose them. So you would then either have to make the decision to break up with him or allow smoking around your kids, then running the risk of losing them. It'd be easier to choose not to get involved now then later, when you're in love.

And, of course, there is the whole sobriety thing on your part. Once again, looking down the road, there are two ways this can do. You annoy the shit out of him, because drug addicts annoy you and you end up hating each other, or you start using again yourself, once again running the risk of losing your kids.

This is a no win situation.

I agree with this. Plus, with temptation around you it'll probably only be a matter of time before you start smoking recreationally. Then instead of just allowing him to smoke you're a user yourself, which will go very badly for you if child services ever become involved.

The other huge red flag for me is your admission of a past smack addiction. Anything that sets you one step back down that road should be avoided at all costs in my opinion. Pot may make you paranoid or depressed or otherwise skew your judgement until you manage to make other bad choices for yourself.

Not worth it.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I was going to agree with CM, but after seeing the every day, several times part, I don't know...it's a lot of smoking.

If he also says that he is never going to give it up, I'd definitely stay away, because this means he won't give it up even if it turns out to risk your sobriety or your kids or you relationship, or his job, or health...
I think you get my point.

Sorry! It's hard when it's someone you really like.

 

[Mz_Cunningham]

I am/was planning on driving down to him next weekend to spend some face time with him. I REALLY REALLY like this guy...except for the drug part. I'm torn. Part of me wants to say "fuck it," and just stop talking to him....and part of me thinks I need to accept the fact that there are a lot of people that smoke pot and I shouldn't turn down a potentially good relationship just because he smokes.

I'm unsure what advice to give you on this. Although if I were to say go down to him I wouldn't say because you have to accept that people smoke pot, many people don't, it's not a necessity, and you've said it yourself, you're a recovering addict; I would however say to go down, because I think you need to atleast have some time with someone you like.

I would say that you talk with him about it and ask him before you go down that he doesn't smoke while you're down there, if he agrees then I don't really see a problem, you get to have a fun time with him, if he doesn't then I'd say it was a sign that he's not worth driving 4 hours to go see.

And atleast now you know that unknown factor that was making him a bit of a bad guy

 

[HottieMama]

Just wanted to update this a bit... We talked last night, and while that conversation went fairly well, I WON'T be going down there to visit. I got real curious about a discrepancy in something he was saying and I googled him. Let's just say, pot smoking is the LEAST of his issues.

*motherfucker...What the fuck????*

 

[Mz_Cunningham]

Just wanted to update this a bit... We talked last night, and while that conversation went fairly well, I WON'T be going down there to visit. I got real curious about a discrepancy in something he was saying and I googled him. Let's just say, pot smoking is the LEAST of his issues.

*motherfucker...What the fuck????*

Oh poor Nicole

have you considered looking for people at church?

 

[intothewoods]

Just wanted to update this a bit... We talked last night, and while that conversation went fairly well, I WON'T be going down there to visit. I got real curious about a discrepancy in something he was saying and I googled him. Let's just say, pot smoking is the LEAST of his issues.

*motherfucker...What the fuck????*

Yeahhh something didn't smell right about him, and I think you knew that -- that's why you posted.

Betticus's advice is totally spot on.