how to tell if a guy is a sub

[cmky]

I posted this over on fetish and sexuality, and someone suggested that I post over here too. So, here it is.

Here's the short version:
I've been hanging out with a guy that is a few years older than me, and I'm beginning to suspect that he is a submissive or whatev.
At least he definitely has tendencies. You know the type, very eager to please, not sexually, cuz we haven't gone there, just every day stuff; getting me a drink, something to eat, making sure I'm comfortable, generally just waiting on me hand and foot while I'm at his place.

So the question I have is if there is any little, um, test (for lack of a better word) that will let me know if this guy is the real deal or is just really nice. I hope this makes some kind of sense.

I'll provide more details if ya need 'em. Any direction you can provide will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

 

[JMohegan]

I posted this over on fetish and sexuality, and someone suggested that I post over here too. So, here it is.

Here's the short version:
I've been hanging out with a guy that is a few years older than me, and I'm beginning to suspect that he is a submissive or whatev.
At least he definitely has tendencies. You know the type, very eager to please, not sexually, cuz we haven't gone there, just every day stuff; getting me a drink, something to eat, making sure I'm comfortable, generally just waiting on me hand and foot while I'm at his place.

So the question I have is if there is any little, um, test (for lack of a better word) that will let me know if this guy is the real deal or is just really nice. I hope this makes some kind of sense.

I'll provide more details if ya need 'em. Any direction you can provide will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

He wants to fuck you, and eager-to-please is his M.O. for chasing skirt. That much is clear. Whether the eager-to-please persona continues beyond the new-fucking phase remains to be seen.

Do you give him instructions? Make specific requests? Tell him what to do? If so.... how does he respond when you do?

 

[CutieMouse]

I currently have two lovers.

One of them loves to give me back rubs, tells me I work too hard, enjoys cooking me dinner, and likes doing things for me when we're together.

The other one always asks where I want to eat when we go out, is attentive, picks up after himself when he's at my house, will get me a drink if he's grabbing one for himself, and enjoys pampering me after sex.

By your definition

At least he definitely has tendencies. You know the type, very eager to please, not sexually, cuz we haven't gone there, just every day stuff; getting me a drink, something to eat, making sure I'm comfortable, generally just waiting on me hand and foot while I'm at his place.

both of my lovers should be defined as submissive... Nope. Neither one have a submissive bone in their bodies. (That's my job. LOL) It sounds to me like your friend is a polite, respectful, attentive host - which has nothing to do with being dominant or submissive.

 

[saskatuna1]

I currently have two lovers.

One of them loves to give me back rubs, tells me I work too hard, enjoys cooking me dinner, and likes doing things for me when we're together.

The other one always asks where I want to eat when we go out, is attentive, picks up after himself when he's at my house, will get me a drink if he's grabbing one for himself, and enjoys pampering me after sex.

By your definition



both of my lovers should be defined as submissive... Nope. Neither one have a submissive bone in their bodies. (That's my job. LOL) It sounds to me like your friend is a polite, respectful, attentive host - which has nothing to do with being dominant or submissive.

completely concur.

That being said, seems like you (OP) might be into the idea of him being submissive, and hey, if he is a nice guy who enjoys pleasing, he might go along with the idea anyway. Worth a shot.

 

[cmky]

@JM Yup. He does, and don't think I haven't thought about all the kind attention ending when the fucking starts. Not that it will, but he is pretty nice.

@cutie I don't think I made myself clear in the original post. I know the difference between A, a guy who's just being nice to get in my panties; B, a guy who's just being nice because he's a nice guy; and C, this guy.

It's not just 'hey, can I get you a beer while I'm up.' or holding the door for me and stuff, which he does. It's the manner in which he does these things. I don't hang out with guys who aren't nice. I'm not on friendly terms with any guy who wouldn't do those things. But if I said to any one of them 'Hey, get up and go get me a beer.' they'd say, 'get your own damn beer, and get me one while you're at it.'
This guy would. He'd get up and get me a beer.

The last time we hung out, I didn't phrase it as a question. It was a statement. "Get me a beer." He did. I did it just because I wanted to see if he would, and he did.

I hope I'm making myself clear. I know the difference between 'nice' and 'sub-ish', but just like when you crush on someone, you wanna be clear before you put yourself out there, and that's what I'm trying to do.

 

[YourCaptor]

I posted this over on fetish and sexuality, and someone suggested that I post over here too. So, here it is.

Here's the short version:
I've been hanging out with a guy that is a few years older than me, and I'm beginning to suspect that he is a submissive or whatev.
At least he definitely has tendencies. You know the type, very eager to please, not sexually, cuz we haven't gone there, just every day stuff; getting me a drink, something to eat, making sure I'm comfortable, generally just waiting on me hand and foot while I'm at his place.

So the question I have is if there is any little, um, test (for lack of a better word) that will let me know if this guy is the real deal or is just really nice. I hope this makes some kind of sense.

I'll provide more details if ya need 'em. Any direction you can provide will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

Whats the deal with girls always testing guys? They fabricate a situation and then watch like they are making scientific observations. And of course you end up doing something they had not considered before and then they get mad.

Ladies, just ask. What so bad that could come of it?

Just time it right, don't as while with his bros and hoes and what not.

 

[CutieMouse]

I still say he's possibly just a higher class of man than you're used to. "Get your own damn beer"? Seriously? You mentioned he's a bit older than you; maybe he's just mature enough to have good manners. Age does sometimes make a difference in how men treat women (which is why my lovers are 5 and 19 years older than me).

You've obviously decided he's submissive, because you "know the difference" (whatever that means), but no - there isn't a "test" to tell you if he's submissive or not. If you really want to know, ask.

@JM Yup. He does, and don't think I haven't thought about all the kind attention ending when the fucking starts. Not that it will, but he is pretty nice.

@cutie I don't think I made myself clear in the original post. I know the difference between A, a guy who's just being nice to get in my panties; B, a guy who's just being nice because he's a nice guy; and C, this guy.

It's not just 'hey, can I get you a beer while I'm up.' or holding the door for me and stuff, which he does. It's the manner in which he does these things. I don't hang out with guys who aren't nice. I'm not on friendly terms with any guy who wouldn't do those things. But if I said to any one of them 'Hey, get up and go get me a beer.' they'd say, 'get your own damn beer, and get me one while you're at it.'
This guy would. He'd get up and get me a beer.

The last time we hung out, I didn't phrase it as a question. It was a statement. "Get me a beer." He did. I did it just because I wanted to see if he would, and he did.

I hope I'm making myself clear. I know the difference between 'nice' and 'sub-ish', but just like when you crush on someone, you wanna be clear before you put yourself out there, and that's what I'm trying to do.

 

[cmky]

@captor
We do. And yes, we're about as clinical as you described. While we're at it, women are evil and manipulative, too. To top it all off, while we're having sex with you, we're not thinking about how big your cock is or how awesome you are in the sack. We're wondering if we left the coffee pot on or what was up with that last episode of 30 Rock. Oh, and we will compare you with every partner we've ever had in meticulous detail. Size matters. And girth. And endurance. Any girl who says othewise is lying to you. While we're at it, girl's lie. Oh, and no, we don't like to swallow. Cum tastes like rotten eggs and asparagus. Porn stars only do it because they get PAID.

This has nothing to do with the thread, but I thought as long as we were pointing out the obvious I'd just throw that out there.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think you'll find that a flat out question won't go amiss.

"Do you go out of your way like this for any woman, or is it special for me? "

or:

"I hope you don't mind my asking, but, are you... submissive?"

Men aren't as bothered by sudden personal questions as women are, to make a sweeping generalization.

 

[cmky]

Thanks Cutie. I'm just going to go back to my trailer park, because clearly I'm not used to this kind of treatment. I'm used to guys who wear wife-beaters and slap me around as a way of introducing conversation topics.

Yes. Get your own damn beer. As in, if I tell any one of the guys that I hang out with while we're say, playing Halo or watching football to get me a beer, while he is sitting down, he will reply with a friendly 'Get your own Damn Beer.'
If he's up and on his way to the fridge and I say, "Get me a beer." He will say something like "Blow me." but he'll return with said beer. This is being friendly. We are friends. If the situation were reversed, I'd do the same. Exactly the same.

If I said this to the guy in question, he would stop what he was doing, get up, and get me a beer. Then he would ask if I needed anything else.

But hey, what's the big effin deal? I'll just ask him? Yeah. That wouldn't be awkward AT ALL.

 

[BiBunny]

I still say he's possibly just a higher class of man than you're used to. "Get your own damn beer"? Seriously? You mentioned he's a bit older than you; maybe he's just mature enough to have good manners. Age does sometimes make a difference in how men treat women (which is why my lovers are 5 and 19 years older than me).

I was thinking this exact thing, actually.

 

[Stella_Omega]

<snip>

If I said this to the guy in question, he would stop what he was doing, get up, and get me a beer. Then he would ask if I needed anything else.

But hey, what's the big effin deal? I'll just ask him? Yeah. That wouldn't be awkward AT ALL.

Why would it be awkward? If he does what you want him to do, and what you want him to do is answer the question?

 

[cmky]

Okay, I must sound like I'm either being intentionally obtuse or just airheaded, I'm not sure which.

This guy is in my circle of friends. He knows almost everyone I know. If I come out and ask, 'are you a sub?' or something like that, and he's not, well, word gets around. Now it's all 'cmky is into kinky stuff.' And the jokes begin. Oh boy, do they begin.

Maybe you and Cutie live in a world where asking peeps if they're sub or dom is perfectly normal. "Hey, which do you like better, Snickers or Milky Way? Oh, and while I'm at it, are you a submissive?"
But in my world, it's not. I'm sorry that I didn't make that part clear. I'm sorry that my little part of the world isn't as sexually liberated as you guys, but that's how it is.

All I wanted was a little litmus test or something. Is it stupid and silly? Yes. But sex is stupid and silly and a little pointless. So...never the freaking mind, okay? Forget I asked. Move on, please. Nothing to see here.

 

[Stella_Omega]

gotcha.

No, there really isn't any special litmus test. Which might be exactly why he hasn't said anything to you, either, when you think about it...

 

[DeeJay2609]

By your definition both of my lovers should be defined as submissive...

Nope. Neither one have a submissive bone in their bodies. (That's my job. LOL) It sounds to me like your friend is a polite, respectful, attentive host - which has nothing to do with being dominant or submissive.

Thanks CutieMouse for your post. Put my mind at rest I was beginning to think that by acting like a gentleman and being attentive to a woman's needs and desires inferred you were a submissive.
It now means I can keep being a gentleman, so ladies if you want to be treated well but not in a submissive way you know how to contact me.

 

[cmky]

True. I'm not exactly a model of consistency and verbal forethought.
I put men through all kinds of hell. Half the time I'm too exhausted to make a decision, and the other half I just want you to shut the eff up so I can get to where I need to be. If that makes sense.

We'll probably hang out over the weekend. I'll know more then. Thanks for the help!

 

[Chiara_searches]

I'm sorry, but I can't help but read the OPs name as crnky ~ cranky, instead of cmky.

You could have simply met a quality guy. Deal with it instead of snarking at people who take the time to respond and give you a different perspective to think about.

Good relationships are built on solid communication. If you want to just have sex with the guy, don't disclose all that you are into (but please practice safe sex). If you want a relationship with the guy, you should learn to communicate. Do you need to jump up and talk about the most critical things or your deepest desires? No, but you should start talking and develop the communication as you go on in the relationship, eventually getting to the place where you can talk about those things without fear he'll run and tell your circle of friends.

 

[m0r1arty]

What people act like in day-to-day life is often different from how they act sexually. I once knew this girl who was very strong and tough but submissive sexually, and from what I've read, things like that aren't a rare occurrence.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I'm sorry, but I can't help but read the OPs name as crnky ~ cranky, instead of cmky.

You could have simply met a quality guy. Deal with it instead of snarking at people who take the time to respond and give you a different perspective to think about.

Good relationships are built on solid communication. If you want to just have sex with the guy, don't disclose all that you are into (but please practice safe sex). If you want a relationship with the guy, you should learn to communicate. Do you need to jump up and talk about the most critical things or your deepest desires? No, but you should start talking and develop the communication as you go on in the relationship, eventually getting to the place where you can talk about those things without fear he'll run and tell your circle of friends.

This. People are not trying to dismiss your observations or treat you rudely, cmky. They're just trying to answer your question or present you with another opinion

Personally, I think the best way to discover this kind of information is to ask. However, I do understand how that could a problem in a given situation. I'm not sure how you could phrase it, but maybe ask in a less direct manner? Or, you know, don't worry about it. Just go with it. As long as you don't do something like...randomly ambush him with a scene, it's unlikely you'll end up inadvertently doing something that will ruin your friendship.

 

[JMohegan]

@JM Yup. He does, and don't think I haven't thought about all the kind attention ending when the fucking starts. Not that it will, but he is pretty nice.

@cutie I don't think I made myself clear in the original post. I know the difference between A, a guy who's just being nice to get in my panties; B, a guy who's just being nice because he's a nice guy; and C, this guy.

It's not just 'hey, can I get you a beer while I'm up.' or holding the door for me and stuff, which he does. It's the manner in which he does these things. I don't hang out with guys who aren't nice. I'm not on friendly terms with any guy who wouldn't do those things. But if I said to any one of them 'Hey, get up and go get me a beer.' they'd say, 'get your own damn beer, and get me one while you're at it.'
This guy would. He'd get up and get me a beer.

The last time we hung out, I didn't phrase it as a question. It was a statement. "Get me a beer." He did. I did it just because I wanted to see if he would, and he did.

I hope I'm making myself clear. I know the difference between 'nice' and 'sub-ish', but just like when you crush on someone, you wanna be clear before you put yourself out there, and that's what I'm trying to do.

If you deliberately try to control his behavior, and he routinely responds in a positive fashion, not just pre-fuck but over a sustained period of time, I'd say that's your answer right there.

Whats the deal with girls always testing guys? They fabricate a situation and then watch like they are making scientific observations. And of course you end up doing something they had not considered before and then they get mad.

Ladies, just ask. What so bad that could come of it?

Just time it right, don't as while with his bros and hoes and what not.

I always test for compatibility. Never come right out and ask. I'm wary of self-labelled s-types who only "submit" as long as a D tells them to do what they wanted to do in the first place.

Nothing wrong with that type of persona, obviously. But I'm comfortable with & aroused by a partner who's comfortable with & aroused by actual deferring.

 

[JMohegan]

True. I'm not exactly a model of consistency and verbal forethought.
I put men through all kinds of hell. Half the time I'm too exhausted to make a decision, and the other half I just want you to shut the eff up so I can get to where I need to be. If that makes sense.

We'll probably hang out over the weekend. I'll know more then. Thanks for the help!

As I would define it, being in control means you make decisions when you're ready to make decisions. And if you want peace & quiet, you just say so. The deferring partner waits, and the deferring partner complies.

Caveat - your partner's needs must be met (in the big picture sense), or he'll walk. So make sure you know what those are.

Remember - if he really is comfortable deferring, he'll be even more so when deferring to someone who is comfortable exerting control.

 

[Corbal]

They write their sexual status on their cock, ask to see it... I mean, since you're afraid you'll be outed because you know what a submissive is.

 

[JMohegan]

They write their sexual status on their cock, ask to see it... I mean, since you're afraid you'll be outed because you know what a submissive is.

What is a submissive, in your view?

 

[Corbal]

What is a submissive, in your view?

My Submissivness is the desire to kneel for One capable of conquering my intelligence. All else will follow naturally.

A submissive, is many things. Mostly, IMO it is someone who craves anothers ability to control a situation and it's outcome. How they get from point 'A' to 'B' is where everyone differs.

 

[JMohegan]

My Submissivness is the desire to kneel for One capable of conquering my intelligence. All else will follow naturally.

A submissive, is many things. Mostly, IMO it is someone who craves anothers ability to control a situation and it's outcome. How they get from point 'A' to 'B' is where everyone differs.

My definition differs. Not better, or worse, just different.

Please feel free to stick your nose in the air and roll your eyes at me, too. It won't bother me in the slightest.

And thank you for proving my point.