new to D/s -loaded questions

[toofaced]

hi all, I'm new here.. 25, married 7 years and married my first. The more I evaluate my life the more D/s interests me.

I find myself to always be the dominate one during the day, but I crave being a sub. I feel like I set myself up to fail. Growing up I always took care of everyone, being that I had 2 handicapped parents. So I guess dominance is ingrained in me. He's older by a few years but I think I've passed him maturity wise a few years back. I think that's when I took the D role in our relationship. I'm finding I really don't like it. I analyze and plan everything but sometimes "no..." means bend me over and fuck the shit out of me. Bite, twist, pinch and pull.

He's so GENTLE and totally all about trying to please me. I'm not sure if he can go back to the way things used to be... (but a little amped up.) We had some great times I just wonder if there all left in the past. Ive been feeling like a wet noodle. The only time he sees a bit of the real me is when I have some liquid courage (which isn't often)

I know this is a loaded question but I'm sure someone out there has some advice I wonder if its in his nature for him to be the man I need? Is it possible to have a balanced day to day combined with sex life? I don't mind having some say, I'm used to it but I need him to take charge more often.

Sorry for rambling

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Have you spoken to him about this at all?

 

[koalakutie]

Can you train him to be more Dominant?

.....

 

[Alexis_Grey]

hi all, I'm new here.. 25, married 7 years and married my first. The more I evaluate my life the more D/s interests me.

I find myself to always be the dominate one during the day, but I crave being a sub. I feel like I set myself up to fail. Growing up I always took care of everyone, being that I had 2 handicapped parents. So I guess dominance is ingrained in me. He's older by a few years but I think I've passed him maturity wise a few years back. I think that's when I took the D role in our relationship. I'm finding I really don't like it. I analyze and plan everything but sometimes "no..." means bend me over and fuck the shit out of me. Bite, twist, pinch and pull.

He's so GENTLE and totally all about trying to please me. I'm not sure if he can go back to the way things used to be... (but a little amped up.) We had some great times I just wonder if there all left in the past. Ive been feeling like a wet noodle. The only time he sees a bit of the real me is when I have some liquid courage (which isn't often)

I know this is a loaded question but I'm sure someone out there has some advice I wonder if its in his nature for him to be the man I need? Is it possible to have a balanced day to day combined with sex life? I don't mind having some say, I'm used to it but I need him to take charge more often.

Sorry for rambling

I am having a very similar problem. I have been with my fiance for almost 6 years now and I am usually the one who takes charge with the day to day outside of the bedroom. We were each others firsts and only's.
We are extremely open about talking about sex and what we want, but I have always come short on explaing to him the needs I feel of being submissive in the "bedroom"
I think the biggest problem with trying to talk to them about this is that its not how we as submissive woman want it to be. We, at least me in this case, don't want to have to tell him to be more dominant, it defeats everything your trying to achieve. You want a man who will control you because HE wants to, not because he knows thats what you want. And in telling him what you want, he is essentially acting for you. At least that has been my experience.
My fiance would do anything I asked of him to try sexually, its just in this situation I don't want to have to ask.

Is that at all how you feel??

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I am having a very similar problem. I have been with my fiance for almost 6 years now and I am usually the one who takes charge with the day to day outside of the bedroom. We were each others firsts and only's.
We are extremely open about talking about sex and what we want, but I have always come short on explaining to him the needs I feel of being submissive in the "bedroom"

The bolded part is kind of an oxymoron, you know...

I think the biggest problem with trying to talk to them about this is that its not how we as submissive woman want it to be. We, at least me in this case, don't want to have to tell him to be more dominant, it defeats everything you're trying to achieve. You want a man who will control you because HE wants to, not because he knows thats what you want. And in telling him what you want, he is essentially acting for you. At least that has been my experience.

My fiance would do anything I asked of him to try sexually, its just in this situation I don't want to have to ask.

Is that at all how you feel??

Again referring to the bolded portion: Telling him that D/s is something that at least in an academic sense interests or arouses you is not *ordering* him to be more dominant. It's letting him know that if he has any interest or desire to explore that relationship dynamic, which *he* may have "come up short in explaining" to you, that maybe this is something the two of you should discuss.

In short, this issue goes back to advice that has been given here dozens, if not hundreds, of times in the past:

Communicate, CoMmUnIcAtE, COMMUNI-freakin'-CATE! It's the basis of all solid interpersonal relationships, and a relation(-)ship without it will soon founder and break up on the shoals of life.

 

[ctgirl1]

Sometimes, especially in this day and age, a man may not want to act on his real impulse to dominate because society deems it wrong. Unless a woman lets him know that's what she open to, then they may ignore that want. They may be afraid that if they act on that without knowing it's what she wants, then they may lose the woman they love.

I was this way with my ex. I was afraid to let him know what I wanted and needed when it came to sex because I thought it might turn him off and I would lose him. In the long run, we both got bored with the vanilla sex and ended up breaking up anyway. I still don't know if he would have been receptive to it or not. You at least need to be honest with your partner. If you can't be honest with your partner, then you have little to build the relationship on and it may go down the drain anyway.

 

[Stella_Omega]

here's the thing about BDSM as we adults play it these days:

It is consensual.

It gets talked about.

Doms and subs, tops and bottoms, masters and slaves alike, MUST take responsibility for their choices, always be ready to re-evaluate, and reconsider, and renew the contract. Or, someone will end up hurt.

BDSM is a little closer to rocket science than vanilla sex is.

 

[toofaced]

I am having a very similar problem. I have been with my fiance for almost 6 years now and I am usually the one who takes charge with the day to day outside of the bedroom. We were each others firsts and only's.
We are extremely open about talking about sex and what we want, but I have always come short on explaing to him the needs I feel of being submissive in the "bedroom"
I think the biggest problem with trying to talk to them about this is that its not how we as submissive woman want it to be. We, at least me in this case, don't want to have to tell him to be more dominant, it defeats everything your trying to achieve. You want a man who will control you because HE wants to, not because he knows thats what you want. And in telling him what you want, he is essentially acting for you. At least that has been my experience.
My fiance would do anything I asked of him to try sexually, its just in this situation I don't want to have to ask.

Is that at all how you feel??

Exactly!

I have talked to him about different things, never as blunt as I put it here. I have a hard time asking him to take charge without sounding like I'm bossing him around, It's not what I'm trying to achieve.

I'm not looking for a way to end our relationship. Anything that's worth it takes work and there's multiple facets in a sucessful relationship. If anything its gotten better over the last year or so which makes me want to be more open. I'm just wondering if there's no point because being dominate isn't in his nature and he'd be acting the part. Which I could see leading to other problems. I know at least if I keep my mouth shut I'm the only one thats feeling it but I'm afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing and making us both miserable.

You can't change someone but you can grow, is it possible to grow into a dominant?

There's more I'd like to share but I don't have time at the moment so ill post back later. Thanks for your responses.

 

[koalakutie]

finding the right partner

.....

 

[Alexis_Grey]

Exactly!

I have talked to him about different things, never as blunt as I put it here. I have a hard time asking him to take charge without sounding like I'm bossing him around, It's not what I'm trying to achieve.

I'm not looking for a way to end our relationship. Anything that's worth it takes work and there's multiple facets in a sucessful relationship. If anything its gotten better over the last year or so which makes me want to be more open. I'm just wondering if there's no point because being dominate isn't in his nature and he'd be acting the part. Which I could see leading to other problems. I know at least if I keep my mouth shut I'm the only one thats feeling it but I'm afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing and making us both miserable.

You can't change someone but you can grow, is it possible to grow into a dominant?

There's more I'd like to share but I don't have time at the moment so ill post back later. Thanks for your responses.

Well communication has NEVER been a problem with my fiance and I, we never would have made it this far. Over the years our biggest problem has been sex, but we know we want to be with each other forever so we always try and work together to fix what isn't meshing between us.

I have been slowly working more and more into him taking the lead and being more dominant. Like just earlier today he spanked me real hard and I really responded to it. And already tonight I must say that my behind is sore and I'm loving it. It has been my experience that all men want to do is please and they respond to our responses.

I think we as submissive women in non d/s relationships have to take matters into our own hands to get what we want.

I would suggest (what I am slowly in the process of doing as well) is first ask him to tell you what to do. Not in a fake "master" voice. Just ask him to tell you what ever he wants you to do to him or to yourself, step by step. I have really seen an improvement in him being more confident and open to taking what he wants from me. And isn't that the ultimate goal??

 

[marieR19]

Exactly!
I'm just wondering if there's no point because being dominate isn't in his nature and he'd be acting the part. Which I could see leading to other problems. I know at least if I keep my mouth shut I'm the only one thats feeling it but I'm afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing and making us both miserable.

Do you *know* that being dominant isn't in his nature, or are you just assuming that by the way he's acted up to this point? Has he *told* you that he doesn't like dominating you?

Because if he hasn't, if you haven't actually had that conversation, you are just getting yourself all worried over nothing. You can't possibly know that he's not interested in being dominant if you never talk to him about it.

You aren't happy with how to relationship is right now, which means you need to communicate that. Only the most insensitive/stupid/mean person would be mad at you for simply communicating that there are certain things you would like to try in the relationship. It's not going to wreak things to get this out in the open, but opening up communication most likely *will* make things better between the two of you, whether or not it turns into anything d/s.

 

[YourCaptor]

Ladies, men can't read minds.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I am having a very similar problem. I have been with my fiance for almost 6 years now and I am usually the one who takes charge with the day to day outside of the bedroom. We were each others firsts and only's.
We are extremely open about talking about sex and what we want, but I have always come short on explaing to him the needs I feel of being submissive in the "bedroom"
I think the biggest problem with trying to talk to them about this is that its not how we as submissive woman want it to be. We, at least me in this case, don't want to have to tell him to be more dominant, it defeats everything your trying to achieve. You want a man who will control you because HE wants to, not because he knows thats what you want. And in telling him what you want, he is essentially acting for you. At least that has been my experience.
My fiance would do anything I asked of him to try sexually, its just in this situation I don't want to have to ask.

Is that at all how you feel??

Well communication has NEVER been a problem with my fiance and I, we never would have made it this far. Over the years our biggest problem has been sex, but we know we want to be with each other forever so we always try and work together to fix what isn't meshing between us.

I have been slowly working more and more into him taking the lead and being more dominant. Like just earlier today he spanked me real hard and I really responded to it. And already tonight I must say that my behind is sore and I'm loving it. It has been my experience that all men want to do is please and they respond to our responses.

I think we as submissive women in non d/s relationships have to take matters into our own hands to get what we want.

I would suggest (what I am slowly in the process of doing as well) is first ask him to tell you what to do. Not in a fake "master" voice. Just ask him to tell you what ever he wants you to do to him or to yourself, step by step. I have really seen an improvement in him being more confident and open to taking what he wants from me. And isn't that the ultimate goal??

To me, this sounds like you are saying that manipulating your partner into being more dominant is somehow better and less topping from the bottom, than telling the other person what is going on in your head.
If that is what you mean, I couldn't agree less.

Also, what he wants to get out of you, may be your pleasure and resonses...

 

[Alexis_Grey]

To me, this sounds like you are saying that manipulating your partner into being more dominant is somehow better and less topping from the bottom, than telling the other person what is going on in your head.
If that is what you mean, I couldn't agree less.

Also, what he wants to get out of you, may be your pleasure and resonses...

No I am not trying to just manipulate him to just get what I want. By asking him to tell me what to do, I am kind of warming him up to the idea. In my experience asking someone to be more dominant is like telling them to turn on a switch that they may not have. But by taking little steps of control we can see together if this is what we both want.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Would it help if we talked about the differences between "submission" and "bottoming?"

And maybe the differences between being in a true D/s relationship and loving the hell out of some really kinky sex?

 

[Alexis_Grey]

Would it help if we talked about the differences between "submission" and "bottoming?"

And maybe the differences between being in a true D/s relationship and loving the hell out of some really kinky sex?

Yes I really think that would help...

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well, most folk come into BDSM and they hear all about "submission," and "domination." they get the impression that being on the receiving side of kinky activity is a "submissive" position. They think that their partner has to "Dominate" them in order to be the active party in kink.

Actually, there is a different pair of words for those two positions, we call them "bottoming" and "topping." Bottoming is being done unto. Topping is doing unto. These two words merely describe the relative positions of the partners, if you notice. Like "pitcher and catcher." They do not imply any sort of motivation.

Motivation is described by other words; "Dom" and"sub" describe mindsets, or personalities, that make clear why, or how, someone might top or bottom. But those words don't actually tell you which position that person will take.

We think that the person getting the flogging must be the submissive, taking pain because their partner wants to make them hurt. In fact, it's perfectly possible for a dominant person to bottom, and it's very common for a top to be service oriented, to be totally invested in offering their partner the sensations that person craves-- and that's what makes them happy.

And then we have the romance-novel idea that a truly loving partner should be able to read your mind. Know what you want better than you do.

Welll... We have people in this forum who are genuinely submissive, and they say that their partner does know better than they do-- but that's because they are, truly, the genuine article. For a sub, what their partner wants is better than anything they might want. This might be true in larger or smaller increments, if you see what I mean. Some people, it's true in every aspect of a relationship. That sort of submissiveness is really rare. Most folk are more situational, and might be only in the bedroom.

IF you have preferences of your own, you might think you are a "bad sub." If your partner wants to know what YOU want, you might worry that they are not a "natural dominant." And I guess you'd be right-- but for crissake, that's not so damn dishonorable. What you have is a top and bottom situation. It's good. It's satisfying. It does take communication-- everything does.

IF you want your boyfriend to know exactly how to top you, you have to teach him that. Once you've taught him, then you can assume he knows what you want. If he needs to know exactly when to slap your ass-- put some signals together. Eventually, the signal will be so automatic that it will be just like mind reading. And yeah, he just might start coming up with ideas of his own...

 

[Chiara_searches]

Apologies in advance because I did not read every thread post...but I felt the need to add my $0.02.

Telling him that D/s is something that at least in an academic sense interests or arouses you is not *ordering* him to be more dominant. It's letting him know that if he has any interest or desire to explore that relationship dynamic, which *he* may have "come up short in explaining" to you, that maybe this is something the two of you should discuss.


Communicate, CoMmUnIcAtE, COMMUNI-freakin'-CATE! It's the basis of all solid interpersonal relationships, and a relation(-)ship without it will soon founder and break up on the shoals of life.

here's the thing about BDSM as we adults play it these days:

It is consensual.

It gets talked about.

These are two valid points and it looks like S.O. is expanding the discussion for you. But here's a practical story to show you why communication is vital. I was married for 9 years, but I never really communicated what I wanted him to do sexually. He was a virgin when we started dating and knew, from books by my bedside, of a few different BDSM related subjects in which I had an interest. But I still held back on *telling* him, even in an academic sense what I needed. A large part of it was I didn't want to have to guide him into being more dominant. That left me emotionally adrift for a good chunk of the marriage because I just never made the deeper connection I think one can have when you are frank, open, and honest with your significant other.

Following the advice of some very wise people on these boards, when I stated dating my current guy, I eased into actually talking about these kinds of things in an academic way (which is why S.W.'s comment seemed appropriate for me to quote). I did not say "you need to do x, y, z." I said more along the lines of "I've been giving my sexual fulfillment a lot of thought, because I was very unfulfilled in my marriage, and at this point I believe myself to be sexually submissive." We did not need to have long, convoluted talks; yet from the first time we had sex (which was after I told him of my sexually submissive side), he did little things to move us toward him being the dominant one.

My relationship with my boyfriend is very new (we've only been having sex now for 2 months). Yet, he seems to innately know how to ratchet up things. I really don't think of him as a "natural dominant" but he answers so many things on my other wish lists that how he is with me sexually works right now. And when he takes a step to push past one level of activities and take things to a slightly more BDSM-ish level than it was before, I feel like we have the ability to get even further along on my sexual wish list. He's taking those steps without me saying "okay, now you need to change it up and do a, b, c." So perhaps my thinking he's not a "natural dominate" is wrong.

That being said, if he wasn't interested in taking things further, I would likely be talking to him about more specifics of what I'm interested in because I have a responsibility to myself to make sure I'm happy. I also have a responsibility to him: it's important to him that I be fulfilled in all aspects of our relationship (he's said so); it would be detrimental to his wishes if I didn't get all that I needed or if I didn't at least put it on the table what I need.

I suppose I should apologize for my tendency toward verbosity. But what I mean to say is that very good relationships require communication. Sex is a component of relationships that should fall under the penumbra of something to talk about. You owe it to yourself and your partner to talk about these things.

 

[toofaced]

Do you *know* that being dominant isn't in his nature, or are you just assuming that by the way he's acted up to this point? Has he *told* you that he doesn't like dominating you?

Because if he hasn't, if you haven't actually had that conversation, you are just getting yourself all worried over nothing. You can't possibly know that he's not interested in being dominant if you never talk to him about it.

You aren't happy with how to relationship is right now, which means you need to communicate that. Only the most insensitive/stupid/mean person would be mad at you for simply communicating that there are certain things you would like to try in the relationship. It's not going to wreak things to get this out in the open, but opening up communication most likely *will* make things better between the two of you, whether or not it turns into anything d/s.

Well I guess I can't say for sure that he isn't, maybe I'm more afraid that I've taken that away during the course of our relationship.

In the past (7-10 yrs ago) there was several occasions that could have come right out of a literotica story. I'm using my phone so forgive me for posting this way, but I related a couple stories on another thread. The quote below is referencing my husband and crazy places I've masturbated.

...I prefer help. Bf got me off on his parents couch. His brother came home in the middle so he covered me up with a blanket. His brother proceeded to watch a movie with us. Bf decided to start fucking me instead while his brother had no idea.

A few times while in the car. Pants off, shirt up and him playing with me.

The best I think was at a local park. There's a walking trail and creek with a ton of people who frequent. It was just turning dusk and a light fog was settling in so it was hard to see anyone approaching until it was "too late". He sat on the bench and I sat on his (hard on) lap facing the trail with my pants down to my knees. I know it was his goal to be caught, but it was so hot I came quick.

These occasions were under his direction and he more or less held me down until I gave in which was awesome! It would be great if we could get that back, and then some.

I REALLY appreciate all the great responses, and its more food for thought. I've got a few things I'd like to talk about with him. Maybe being more dominant the bedroom will give him more confidence to be more aggressive outside the bedroom.

 

[Holly Delight]

...BDSM is a little closer to rocket science than vanilla sex is.

So that explains it ! Thanks!

 

[Licia]

*collects harp, fingers easing over the strings*

Trust. Communication. Honesty.
Without that trinity, the firmament stays locked.

*harp string snaps*

Yeow! *cough*

Anyway...

If you're inclined to be a subbie, fantastic! Use your own mouth to tell your top about your base desires. Whisper them if you're embarrassed. If everyone gets hung up on "I'm the boss", the lot of ya miss out. *shrugs* Sometimes the subbie needs permission to talk "dirty". What's funny is that the dirty talk is actually HONEST talk.

 

[brianandrew]

Ok, maybe this is covering old ground but I'd like to comment on the perception that someone is not 'naturally dominant.'
I was married for 18 years and had a reasonable though very vanilla sex life. My wife had a dominant personality and she probably would have described me as a submissive husband. But I was playing the role that I had been taught. I was 'respectful' of women, 'caring' and loved my family. I didn't know that it was possible to love and respect someone and still dominate them sexually, so I never tried.
For the last two years I have been with my new girlfriend and we have an amazing Dom and sub relationship. Me, an apparently submissive nice guy, has learned that it's ok to dominate. My girlfriend and I communicate (that word is used a lot I see) endlessly. I do exactly what I want, and we have built up great collection of toys and restraints to play with. We love that side of us.
I guess I just wanted to say that you never know what people are capable of. My first wife didn't; neither did I for that matter.

 

[midwestyankee]

Ladies, men can't read minds.

Nor can women.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Nor can women.

Damn straight.

So don't think you KNOW what he does or doesn't want. Don't think HE SHOULD KNOW what you do or don't want.

You have to ask. Sometimes you have to ask embarrassingly often.

 

[DecadeIn]

Communicating about fantasies, fears, wishes of a sexual nature is a skill that requires a lot of practice. For all parties who are going to be involved.
When your new to this form of communication, you are embarrassed, outside of your comfort zone (sounding hot to me!) and that is usual i'd say.

I dont think this is a D/s thing. It is a sexual relationship thing.

Being a sexually active lady all my life. I find people are relieved to hear open honest transparent communication. They take this lead, and are able to discuss things equally openly.

I live with the most dominant to me person ive ever met. Im married to him.
Most of his dominant traits come from his slightly obsessive/perfectionist personality traits. He likes things this way, this time of day, presented like this etc etc. Not coz he's some God of D/s, but because he's got OCD for goodness sake! Does it matter what vehicle people ride in to D/s on, as long as the journey is fine.

Beware "natural dominants" "true dominants". You have to ask; to whom?
Im nearly 50, have been at this for years now. Most dont even dare to do D/s in real life. Just on sites like this. On a screen.

The rest of us have to practice. Fumbling, mistake making, awkward, conversations. Till one day, a decade in, you read posts like this, and smile. Remembering when communication was this difficult for us too.

Take a risk and ask for exactly what you want. Outside of the bedroom so as to avoid him feeling like he's supposed to 'act' now.

Print off a story that contains what you want, and say, Please can we try this?
whatever it takes, ask.
dont ask, dont get.

good luck