Munches and Play Parties...WWYD?

[HottieMama]

Ok...here's the situation. I am strongly considering going to one of my local munches next Friday. I haven't been to a munch in over 4 years due to soon to be ex-husdom. He is very "anti-community," and burned a lot of bridges locally about a year prior to meeting me. (When I say burned, I mean TORCHED...like beyond repair.) I was attending a different local group when we met and when the group leader found out we were together, I was promptly not invited back again. (Yeah...that's how bad it is...) The group I would be going to isn't the same one as before, but I know some of the people are the same.

How do I handle this situation and the questions that are likely to come up?

How do I establish an identity that is separate from who I used to be with? I want to be "Nicole, the girl who loves fisting..." NOT "Nicole, you know...the one who was with XXX...who did XYZ to SoAndSo." (And let's not even pretend shit like that doesn't get said...)

Stepping back out into "public" is a HUGE step for me. (Stella, I totally expect a cookie for doing this, ok?!?! ) I do not want to sit there and have to justify myself to everyone and anyone, but I almost feel like I am at least required to give some sort of an explanation. If I don't, I am afraid that I will be seen as just as bad as him. It is making the situation all the more intimidating to me.

Help...

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I really don't have any experience with munches or your situation, but I think the fact that your divorcing the guy they have it out against will count in your favor Maybe just don't bring it up, but be honest about it if people ask. Even mention that you don't want that association and you'd prefer if they promptly forgot about it or at least give you the opportunity to develop your own identity. Besides, maybe no one will really remember after 4 years At least, not remember on sight. That would give you a chance to make your own impression first

 

[HottieMama]

Besides, maybe no one will really remember after 4 years At least, not remember on sight. That would give you a chance to make your own impression first

They haven't...at least not according to my FL inbox. (I'm just glad I never let him know how "active" I was over here....)

Edited to add: Most seem willing to give me a chance based on messages, but it is still a seemingly endless barrage of questions...

 

[Stella_Omega]

You SO get a Braveness Chocolate Chip cookie!

I think if you are brave enough to stand up and say exactly what you said here: "I want to be known as Nicole, the girl who loves fisting, and not Nicole, XX's ex," you just might find some faces giving you the "ooh, really?" look.

And don't worry too much beforehand. I know how that goes. I sometimes come up with these clever lines to address whatever elephant is in the living room, and then worry that I won't be able to say them out loud-- but oddly enough, I'll hear my own clear voice speaking it when the time comes. As long as I don't think about it too much.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

it might be inevitable....I'm sure you'll handle it well and if you handle it with grace and decorum, you'll leave them without a leg to stand on if they want to be pricks

Or, you know, do something like I'd do and suddenly snap after the 20th time you were asked the same question, and loudly proclaim the answer to the entire building so not another soul has an excuse to ask. Probably will garner you a different sort of reputation and regard, though

 

[HottieMama]

I think if you are brave enough to stand up and say exactly what you said here: "I want to be known as Nicole, the girl who loves fisting, and not Nicole, XX's ex," you just might find some faces giving you the "ooh, really?" look.

NOT brave enough to say that...at least not at first...

 

[CutieMouse]

How about if they ask about X you say something like "Ya know how he napalmed things in various BDSM social circles a few years ago? Yeah that kinda happened with me, too. So if you don't mind, I'd rather be here as me, instead of me + X... since he isn't here. Thank you for understanding." And then you move on and refuse to pay it an ounce of attention. If they keep asking - "I get the curiosity... I'm here; he isn't" and move on.

 

[HottieMama]

How about if they ask about X you say something like "Ya know how he napalmed things in various BDSM social circles a few years ago? Yeah that kinda happened with me, too. So if you don't mind, I'd rather be here as me, instead of me + X... since he isn't here. Thank you for understanding." And then you move on and refuse to pay it an ounce of attention. If they keep asking - "I get the curiosity... I'm here; he isn't" and move on.

I you... Napalmed is a good way to describe things that he did both publicly and personally.

And Stella, yeah...I totally think about things wayyyyy too much too. I'll plan out a whole conversation in my head, when in reality it never comes up or happens completely differently.

 

[twister947]

Almost everyone has an ex, or two, or...................we accept that we are defined by the company we keep, but no one wants to be defined by the company they used to keep. There's more empathy and sympathy out there than you might imagine.

 

[StilettosNSpurs]

NOT brave enough to say that...at least not at first...

Can I ask why you don't feel you are brave enough to say that? How would you introduce yourself in a "public" setting? "Hi, I'm Nicole. Nice to meet you."

I think you are going to have to practice what and how much you want to tell people when they ask (and you know they are going to). There comes a point when people go beyond curiosity and become downright nosy. That's when you need to end the questions with a polite comment that let's them know end of discussion. I'm working on this with myself right now. Going thru a separation with my hubby and people are asking questions. It's kinda hard to tell people the "truth" that he never wanted sex and didn't desire me so I just smile and say, "it just kinda fizzled out or we grew apart."

Good luck and you are stronger than you think and you can do this! Have fun and if you become uncomfortable, just leave.

 

[HottieMama]

Can I ask why you don't feel you are brave enough to say that? How would you introduce yourself in a "public" setting? "Hi, I'm Nicole. Nice to meet you."

There is a VAST difference in my mind between "Hey, I'm Nicole...Nice to meet you," which I am totally comfortable saying, and "Hi. I'm Nicole, and I love fisting." One is polite and appropriate, and the other might cause "advances" that I do not know if I am ready to deal with at this point...

I'm going to the munch for sure, and I am unsure if I am going to go to the play party or not yet...

 

[Mz_Cunningham]

"Hi. I'm Nicole, and I love fisting."

And yet, when I say this in public, people look at me strange

Maybe you can find some happy medium between just the banal greeting and trying to tell people your utmost kinks in one fell swoop.

How about "Hi, I'm Nicole, nice to meet you. I'm looking to meet some new friends."

 

[GrimsPet]

Hottie:
1) Be yourself.
2) If anyone truly asks, just tell them that you are almost divorced and don't want to be associated with him. It's simple and to the point. If they pry further just tell them you do not wish to talk about it because it's to personal at the moment. Most will get the hint after that.

 

[Primalex]

I was attending a different local group when we met and when the group leader found out we were together, I was promptly not invited back again.

It's now that childish there already? Guilty by association, great.

He is very "anti-community,"

I guess even an asshole has sometimes common sense.

 

[HottieMama]

It's now that childish there already? Guilty by association, great.

Actually, Primalex, If I was in that group leaders position, I probably would have done the same thing. My ex had convinced previous partners to do things that were highly unethical from a "BDSM group" mentality and she was just trying to protect a group that she works hard for. The ill-will I hold is not against her, but against him for what he has done and continues to do.

As far as being anti-community goes, you will never hear me say that the BDSM community as a whole here is perfect or ideal. It's cliquey, sometimes catty, and tends to cater to the newbies and novices. There's a lot of "subby herd mentality," and other undesirable things. However, I am at the point where I want to have friends, and play partners. I at least need to make the effort...

 

[Primalex]

Actually, Primalex, If I was in that group leaders position, I probably would have done the same thing.

Luckily, I'm around to guide you, so you can avoid the mistake, if you should ever be in such a position

You exclude the person who did something wrong, not other people.

Plain and simple.

 

[HottieMama]

Luckily, I'm around to guide you, so you can avoid the mistake, if you should ever be in such a position

You exclude the person who did something wrong, not other people.

Plain and simple.

I understand that, and never plan on being in that position. My involvement with the "public BDSM" scene will be minimal at best.

This is something I am trying out again, primarily so I can say "I did it."

 

[Primalex]

Give me a call when you want to say:"I did it even with Primalex."

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Tell 'em

"Hi! I'm Nicole, and Evil_Geoff said to tell you 'I'm okay. Really. And you can ask him even.' "

See? Not hard at all.

 

[HottieMama]

Tell 'em

"Hi! I'm Nicole, and Evil_Geoff said to tell you 'I'm okay. Really. And you can ask him even.' "

See? Not hard at all.

Geoff!!!!!! Hope you are well!!!!!

 

[HottieMama]

Leaving now!!! I'll post and let you all know how it went...

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

And the verdict?

 

[HottieMama]

And the verdict?

Thanks for posting and reminding me to update...

The Good:

• MOST of the people were very nice and friendly. There were only about 15 people there, and I only knew 6 from my previous involvement in the community/elsewhere.
  
• With the exception of one person, no one said anything blatantly offensive.

The Bad:

• The restaurant was awful and I got a few dirty looks when I didn't eat my dinner. I was told (politely?) that everyone else in the group "loves" the place....blah blah blah. Sorry, I won't eat food that I don't like.
  
• Given that there was a play party right after, I was quite surprised to see a few people drinking. I know there is a lot of debate about alcohol and play but it's always a "no" from me.
  
• Mostly everyone there with the exception of one other "little letter type" were het couples. While I can relate to them on some level, a lot of it is still completely outside of my life/desires.
  
• One male DUMBinant, who, ironically, is a former co-worker of my ex-husbands, made it a point to tell me that I "should play with him and he'll fuck me like XXX never could." In front of everyone...over nachos... Really? I was so shocked I nearly choked on my Diet Pepsi, but managed to politely tell him "No, thanks."

The Ugly:

• There's only one for this category, but shit did it throw me for a loop. My ex-girlfriend/bottom was there. She is now a straight Domme. On the surface I should have no issue with this, however I know this woman and I know the straight/Domme act is about as fake as everything else about her. I was cordial and polite but deep down my blood was boiling.

I went to the play party, and while I knew that there was no way I was going to play anyway, I will say that I found the rules of the dungeon to be VERY restrictive. Their rules eliminate the majority of my kinks as both a bottom and a top. I was not too pleased about that.

All in all, I will give the night a 6.5 out of ten. I will probably go back at least once more, but I don't see it becoming a "home."

 

[25yoDom]

What were the rules?

 

[HottieMama]

No bodily fluids.
No knife/blade play.
No exposed genitals.
No penetration.
No physical contact with genitals.

My three main kinks are....knives, blood, and fisting as both a Top and a bottom.