first real attempt, should it continue?

[boytoytodiefor]

this is the first time ive attempted to write erotica that i am 'authoring'. in the past, ive written out fantasies of extreme natures since acting out on some of my most taboo lusts is just not something i want to actually do, at least not just yet.
the following is its beginning, and though it is not straight presently, changing a few pronouns i could make this straight. the only reason i care is the limited audience that this would be received by if it was GBLT. Regardless of its direction, I am simply looking for some peer feedback; because if i get this going im not stopping until i am satisfied.


1guy>im not sure if i was nervous, but i sure as hell wanted his big cock to fill me. id seen it in pictures before, and now i was seeing through the towel he was wearing. it grew as he looked me over as i stood up and got my hand on his dick, and i could feel it pulse and grow erect as he first put his hands on me. his large hands squeezing my tight ass, a lean and subtly muscular bottom, spanking it lightly which made my entire body wiggle in excitement.
2STUD>his hand gripping my pulsing dick i slap his ass for the first time as i grope and squeeze it. he was one hot fuck, never met any piece of ass that would turn into such a cock feigning slut. he was wearing only these white tennis shoes, but he also had these white wristbands and a white headband he looked like he was ready for an intensive workout. his cock, still soft, but his body and his eyes were dripping with lust.

"slap this slut's ass papi its so tight for you" Guy said eagerly, and pulled Stud's towel down and bent over, ass cheeks high in the air begging for a spanking as his tongue found Stud's massive and still pulsing larger cock. Guy's tongue rolling around Stud's head before he took it into his mouth he pulled back sucking the head making a pop as his hands stroked Stud's shaft as he looked up at Stud, eyes filled with lust.

2STUD> I squeezed those firm little cheeks, slapping one side with a smack as his head popped back and his eyes glanced up at me. I grinned as I looked down watching his tongue flick the head of my cock while his hands stroked my shaft and balls. Bent over, he arched his bac.....

TBContinued

 

[PennLady]

First thing you need to do is get some correct punctuation, capitalization, etc. No one wants to read a long text message.

 

[lovecraft68]

this is the first time ive attempted to write erotica that i am 'authoring'. in the past, ive written out fantasies of extreme natures since acting out on some of my most taboo lusts is just not something i want to actually do, at least not just yet.
the following is its beginning, and though it is not straight presently, changing a few pronouns i could make this straight. the only reason i care is the limited audience that this would be received by if it was GBLT. Regardless of its direction, I am simply looking for some peer feedback; because if i get this going im not stopping until i am satisfied.


1guy>im not sure if i was nervous, but i sure as hell wanted his big cock to fill me. id seen it in pictures before, and now i was seeing through the towel he was wearing. it grew as he looked me over as i stood up and got my hand on his dick, and i could feel it pulse and grow erect as he first put his hands on me. his large hands squeezing my tight ass, a lean and subtly muscular bottom, spanking it lightly which made my entire body wiggle in excitement.
2STUD>his hand gripping my pulsing dick i slap his ass for the first time as i grope and squeeze it. he was one hot fuck, never met any piece of ass that would turn into such a cock feigning slut. he was wearing only these white tennis shoes, but he also had these white wristbands and a white headband he looked like he was ready for an intensive workout. his cock, still soft, but his body and his eyes were dripping with lust.

"slap this slut's ass papi its so tight for you" Guy said eagerly, and pulled Stud's towel down and bent over, ass cheeks high in the air begging for a spanking as his tongue found Stud's massive and still pulsing larger cock. Guy's tongue rolling around Stud's head before he took it into his mouth he pulled back sucking the head making a pop as his hands stroked Stud's shaft as he looked up at Stud, eyes filled with lust.

2STUD> I squeezed those firm little cheeks, slapping one side with a smack as his head popped back and his eyes glanced up at me. I grinned as I looked down watching his tongue flick the head of my cock while his hands stroked my shaft and balls. Bent over, he arched his bac.....

TBContinued

First off there is nothing continuous here. It just seems like a bunch of random sentences. I am also thinking that you are going back and forth between "Guy" and "stud" and that is not working at all. He said he said does not work in a sentence to sentence basis, at least not in first person.

I am sure you will get more detailed feedback from some people who are better writers than I am and have a lot of editing experience, but what I can say is that I read this and all I could come up with is

"What?"

Sorry but it just doesn't make much sense, as I said before just a lot of random thoughts/sentences. Also you are not using Caps or much else in the way of punctuation which usually I can still get through but this entire thing just does not read correctly.

 

[SweetMaj]

this is the first time ive attempted to write erotica that i am 'authoring'. in the past, ive written out fantasies of extreme natures since acting out on some of my most taboo lusts is just not something i want to actually do, at least not just yet.
the following is its beginning, and though it is not straight presently, changing a few pronouns i could make this straight. the only reason i care is the limited audience that this would be received by if it was GBLT. Regardless of its direction, I am simply looking for some peer feedback; because if i get this going im not stopping until i am satisfied.


1guy>im not sure if i was nervous, but i sure as hell wanted his big cock to fill me. id seen it in pictures before, and now i was seeing through the towel he was wearing. it grew as he looked me over as i stood up and got my hand on his dick, and i could feel it pulse and grow erect as he first put his hands on me. his large hands squeezing my tight ass, a lean and subtly muscular bottom, spanking it lightly which made my entire body wiggle in excitement.
2STUD>his hand gripping my pulsing dick i slap his ass for the first time as i grope and squeeze it. he was one hot fuck, never met any piece of ass that would turn into such a cock feigning slut. he was wearing only these white tennis shoes, but he also had these white wristbands and a white headband he looked like he was ready for an intensive workout. his cock, still soft, but his body and his eyes were dripping with lust.

"slap this slut's ass papi its so tight for you" Guy said eagerly, and pulled Stud's towel down and bent over, ass cheeks high in the air begging for a spanking as his tongue found Stud's massive and still pulsing larger cock. Guy's tongue rolling around Stud's head before he took it into his mouth he pulled back sucking the head making a pop as his hands stroked Stud's shaft as he looked up at Stud, eyes filled with lust.

2STUD> I squeezed those firm little cheeks, slapping one side with a smack as his head popped back and his eyes glanced up at me. I grinned as I looked down watching his tongue flick the head of my cock while his hands stroked my shaft and balls. Bent over, he arched his bac.....

TBContinued

I almost gave up on reading this. First of all, you need punctuation, and capitalization.

Give the characters names, instead of 'Guy' and 'Stud'.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I think youll fit right in with the LIT gang.

 

[PennLady]

LC is right -- this is almost stream of consciousness, and what makes it worse is you switch between people. I'm not a big fan of 1st person POV, but especially when you're going to have two main characters. Go to 3d person and move between them.

And a "cock feigning slut?" What in the world is that?

I think what we're all telling you is -- you need to start over and get organized.

 

[sr71plt]

The e.e. cummings approach was so intrusive I had to dig down to follow this. And I don't get the "1guy>" and "2stud>" use at all. If it's a texting technique, it completely loses me.

It could be the beginning of a story and the use of "guy" and "stud" instead of names doesn't bother me--the nonuse of names is a completely acceptable writing convention; I don't know why I see it knocked in criticism other than possibly a lack of imagination and not understanding how it can effectively be used on the part of the critic.

I don't find it believable that 1guy> would be soft within that context--finding he was certainly burst the little tension bubble I thought you were trying to build.

Because of the punctuation barrier you've raised, I don't think you're close to finding an audience for it in either straight or GM. (I'd be hardpressed to accept the setup in straight rather than GM, though.)

This sort of posting receives more response when posted to the "Story Feedback" forum.

 

[Zeb_Carter]

Uh...no.

 

[driphoney]

TBContinued

Why step right on in, son. The water's fine . . .

 

[sr71plt]

There's always reason to continue and refine if you are interested in doing so.

 

[driphoney]

There's always reason to continue and refine if you are interested in doing so.

Thank you. This isn't addressed to me, but it was the right comment at the right time for me. (And maybe the poster, too.)

 

[jomar]

all u need is a good editor 4 ur story.

 

[Boxlicker101]

all u need is a good editor 4 ur story.

No, he (or she) needs more than that. I sometimes do some editing, and I wouldn't touch what is in the OP until the writer learns something about punctuation and capitalization and gives the characters names and refrains from writing in present tense.

I also wonder what cock-feigning means here. I would understand it to be a woman wearing a strapon, but I wouldn't use the term even then.

 

[lovecraft68]

all u need is a good editor 4 ur story.

No, unless the editor is going to write it for them. All this is, is a bunch of random thoughts nothing else.

 

[oggbashan]

Your 'first real attempt' needs a total rethink and rewrite.

Please, read some of the higher rated stories on this site and try to write your own stories but with the same proper use of words.

Your first attempts might fail, but heeding any helpful criticism could help you to improve gradually. You will have to ignore the uniformed and abusive feedback, but some people's comments can be worthwhile.

 

[SydneyBlake]

Ditto what everyone else said. Spelling and punctuation weren't created so your English teacher could torture you. They were created so that others can understand you. What you've posted here is not readable.

 

[jomar]

No, he (or she) needs more than that. I sometimes do some editing, and I wouldn't touch what is in the OP until the writer learns something about punctuation and capitalization and gives the characters names and refrains from writing in present tense.

I also wonder what cock-feigning means here. I would understand it to be a woman wearing a strapon, but I wouldn't use the term even then.

No, unless the editor is going to write it for them. All this is, is a bunch of random thoughts nothing else.

Guys, did you not notice the text-spelling in my post?

 

[Boxlicker101]

Guys, did you not notice the text-spelling in my post?

Of course. I don't often use such shorthand, but it was much easier to read than what was in the OP.

 

[lovecraft68]

Guys, did you not notice the text-spelling in my post?

Oh that's not how you normally post? My bad!