Question About "Vanilla"

[DarkLord613]

This is a simple one:

How in Hades does One convert/introduce etc. a vanilla spouse (wife in this case) to want to try (or even consider) D/s and BDSM play? What experience have you good folks had with this and I am anxious to hear your success stories. She knows what I am into and accepts that, but I cannot seem to break the ice. Any suggestions or advice? Scenarios, etc that will not scare her away from seeing how enjoyable it can be? She has not given Me an emphatic "NO," but there is some trepidation.

Any ideas would be greatly appreciated!

DL613

 

[bhndblueyes88]

There are a LOT of threads of this nature in this forum, and I encourage you to look through them for answers! You may find one in some other conversation that someone doesn't think to bring up here.

Bottom line, though, I think it is MOST important that you respect your wife's possible wish to simply not engage in any bdsm activities. If she's not into it, she's not into it. It sounds to me like you've already "broken the ice", since obviously you've presented it to her. You won't be able to convince her how "enjoyable it can be" if she simply does not find it enjoyable. Period and end. And you need to respect that. If that turns out to be the case, then it is something you're going to have to live with, or find other outlets for (that, I am going to assume, will be healthy outlets your wife is okay with).

If you just want ideas on good scenarios to present that may appeal to someone who's more plain in their sexual tastes, then I just suggest very simple things. A bit of rough play, a small bit of restraint, a tease until she does some tiny task that she'd probably choose to do anyway. Things that hardly even enter her mind as "different". IF (and I emphasize, if) she seems to enjoy it, encourage her and maybe suggest doing the "Same thing", but just a little more. Above all, I think you should try to keep things as positive as possible. Heartfelt thanks, and sincere praise are loved by everyone! If things aren't going your way, don't pout about it, and don't give her any reason to feel like "the bad guy". Creating negative energy around what you are asking for will probably just shut her down. However, positive energy on its own can go a long way. You may not get playtime every night, but if what playtime you have is consistently positive and rewarding, she may choose to let you have a little on occasion, even if she doesn't get into it as much as you would like her to be.

I think if she is just uneasy about it, as opposed to not wanting to at all and just being too polite to say so outright to you, positive, simple and light play will be the most rewarding path to take. You might also want to suggest stories here on lit that are along those lines you think might appeal to her. It's very easy to explore your own sexuality when you're doing it through other people. Just remember that it's you asking her to change. If she can't do it for you, you shouldn't force it.

 

[Stella_Omega]

My friend forgive me for what i am about to say.

I have been talking a lot about the disconnect between the terms "Dom" and "sub" and the things we actually mean by those words. I looked at your profile and it seems to me, not that a profile is any real proof of anything, that you maybe don't actually want to DOMINATE and impose your will on your partners, as you want to TOP them and show them a helluva good time.

"Dom" and "Sub" have real meanings. it's possible that when you talk with your wife, she is hearing something much much bigger than what you mean.

For starters, I suggest that you avoid referring to yourself as a capital-dee-Dom in her hearing-- and even more so, not as capital-em-Me. Try talking about your topping abilities instead, minus the psycho drama.

It can be difficult, sorry to say, for a wife who has laundered her husband's skid marks out of his tighty-whities, to accept his almighty sexual prowess and magnificent lordly dominess just on his say so-- but she might be able to trust you to get her to heaven in the bedroom.

So instead of telling her "SUBMIT UNTO ME WOMANNNNN" try; "Honey, I have this sexy technique I would like to show you, with your permission. It's just a sexy thing. I would just love to serve your needs with my expertise."

Then you play with something you think she might like-- something sexual rather than sensation oriented, or vice versa if she's less sexually inclined.

If she likes it, you will eventually be "allowed" to top the cream right out of her. And then, if you still find it necessary, you can introduce submission -- the real, soul-deep idea-- to her.

Or, who knows-- find it in yourself. I admit it-- I'm romantic that way.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

It can be difficult, sorry to say, for a wife who has laundered her husband's skid marks out of his tighty-whities, to accept his almighty sexual prowess and magnificent lordly dominess just on his say so-- but she might be able to trust you to get her to heaven in the bedroom.

Lol ^_^ Nicely put

 

[Stella_Omega]

Lol ^_^ Nicely put

*bows* thank you! I wish sarcasm came less easily, personally. The rest of the advice is honestly offered.

 

[HottieMama]

It can be difficult, sorry to say, for a wife who has laundered her husband's skid marks out of his tighty-whities, to accept his almighty sexual prowess and magnificent lordly dominess just on his say so-- but she might be able to trust you to get her to heaven in the bedroom.

Priceless!!!

 

[bhndblueyes88]

*bows* thank you! I wish sarcasm came less easily, personally. The rest of the advice is honestly offered.

Well, it still was a good point. It's difficult to expect someone who knows all your dirty little habits to just drop at a hat tip to a subservient position, particularly when they appear to be un-inclined to do so in the first place.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Well my standard answer these days, is:

"Service top" will get you close to your first goal, which is getting her to dip her toe in the water.

 

[NomadLady]

Great advice....as usual Stella!!

 

[Stella_Omega]

Great advice....as usual Stella!!

So good to see you, lovely lady!

 

[Noira]

Well my standard answer these days, is:

"Service top" will get you close to your first goal, which is getting her to dip her toe in the water.

Indeed.

Honestly, my first thought on wanting to get her to dip her toes in the water was... "but what if she's not submissive?"

I could have seen myself getting married a couple years ago prior to any conscious recognition of kinkiness in myself. Had I ended up with a guy who then wanted to make me submissive, regardless of the fact that in my ordinary day-to-day life I'm a pretty service-subby person, the clash would have been of course that I'm not a sub.

And so, in that case, I would have accepted that my significant other was into that... but they would've been trying to get me to swing the wrong way! Not every vanilla wife can be turned into your kinky sub. What if you break the ice and they turn out to be a kinky dom? There would be trepidation from me not because I didn't like kinky sex, but because I wouldn't want to be the subby sub to capital-D-Dom.

Just one of those other things to keep in mind. Frankly, bhndblueyes88 and Stella said it way better than I could, so that's just my little addition to the conversation.

 

[BiBunny]

Can we please make a sticky that answers these kinds of questions?

 

[DarkLord613]

Thank you all for the great advice. I appreciate the time you took to respond, and your thoughts, advice and critiques were eye-opening to me. I will be taking them to heart and I will keep you posted on what happens. It is great to be able to read honest responses to these kinds of questions, knowing that I am not being judged, but rather guided in the right direction.

Thanks again!

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Can we please make a sticky that answers these kinds of questions?

I've been wondering why we don't already have one, I just didn't want to say anything!

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've been wondering why we don't already have one, I just didn't want to say anything!

Means the group has to form a committee...make a motion, call for a vote, pass a resolution... look for the good advice... reword, rewrite, send back for review... file a complaint detailing hidden corruption and wrongdoing... oust the chair and elect a new one-- oh wait sorry, that's a different project.

Sorry, nevermind

 

[NomadLady]

Means the group has to form a committee...make a motion, call for a vote, pass a resolution... look for the good advice... reword, rewrite, send back for review... file a complaint detailing hidden corruption and wrongdoing... oust the chair and elect a new one-- oh wait sorry, that's a different project.

Sorry, nevermind

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH....

 

[cfuhrer]

Well my standard answer these days, is:

"Service top" will get you close to your first goal, which is getting her to dip her toe in the water.

"Service top" brilliant!!!

Like a servant leader only between the sheets, or on the kitchen table, or in the chaise lounge, or, or, or.

 

[cfuhrer]

Thank you all for the great advice. I appreciate the time you took to respond, and your thoughts, advice and critiques were eye-opening to me. I will be taking them to heart and I will keep you posted on what happens. It is great to be able to read honest responses to these kinds of questions, knowing that I am not being judged, but rather guided in the right direction.

Thanks again!

Its nice to see someone hang on the constructive rather than hung up on the critisism. Tells me you were honestly seeking advice and not just validation. Do what Stella tells you and you'll (probably) eventually get exactly what you want.

 

[Stella_Omega]

"Service top" brilliant!!!

Like a servant leader only between the sheets, or on the kitchen table, or in the chaise lounge, or, or, or.

exactly

Many people who call themselves Dominants are actually service tops. They just don't know there are better words for what they do-- shutting up now.

 

[DarkLord613]

Its nice to see someone hang on the constructive rather than hung up on the critisism. Tells me you were honestly seeking advice and not just validation. Do what Stella tells you and you'll (probably) eventually get exactly what you want.

Trust me, the only thing I ever want validated is my parking. I poor attempt at humor, I know. *LOL*

 

[leyna]

So instead of telling her "SUBMIT UNTO ME WOMANNNNN"

Been there! Tragically ineffective.