How do you help someone get over being abused

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I finally have admitted to myself that I have been effected by what happened to me almost 25 years ago effect me far more than I ever imagined.. I was told before I had my surgery (gastric bypass) that the weight loss might trigger things. Almost three years later I am still hanging on to the fat suit I didn't realize was protecting me from my memories. I've finally decided it is time to get help. i am so scared to start taliking about it all again. There is a lot I don't remember and I am scared I will remember it all..

 

[Saucyminx]

I finally have admitted to myself that I have been effected by what happened to me almost 25 years ago effect me far more than I ever imagined.. I was told before I had my surgery (gastric bypass) that the weight loss might trigger things. Almost three years later I am still hanging on to the fat suit I didn't realize was protecting me from my memories. I've finally decided it is time to get help. i am so scared to start taliking about it all again. There is a lot I don't remember and I am scared I will remember it all..

I was talking about it with a friend, about 6 years after it happened, and found out that I really had blocked a few things. By the end of the conversation we were both crying, and then I was just furious. I know the girl it happened to was in shock. . . but it made me sick to my stomach to remember the way he made me feel about myself. I'm not that scared, heart sick girl anymore.

I think if you drag those dark secrets out into the light, and even though it hurts like hell, it diminishes their power because you can see them for what they are, and then you can start to heal.

Same thing I said to Starr applies to you too. My pm box is always available, or if you'd rather have an email, the address is yours.

 

[Spicy Southern Belle]

I was talking about it with a friend, about 6 years after it happened, and found out that I really had blocked a few things. By the end of the conversation we were both crying, and then I was just furious. I know the girl it happened to was in shock. . . but it made me sick to my stomach to remember the way he made me feel about myself. I'm not that scared, heart sick girl anymore.

I think if you drag those dark secrets out into the light, and even though it hurts like hell, it diminishes their power because you can see them for what they are, and then you can start to heal.

Same thing I said to Starr applies to you too. My pm box is always available, or if you'd rather have an email, the address is yours.

Thank you. That means a lot.

 

[Saucyminx]

Thank you. That means a lot.

 

[Wolf_Song]

Wishing each and all the best in your recovering journeys'. It may not seem like you have made great strides. Yet you truly have even in sharing herein and I for one am very proud of you in your strength and courage for yourselves and others. May you learn more each day how truly beautiful you are where it matters most... within.

( gentle comforting hugs for those wishing or needing them... as often as you like)

 

[qrayze]

ugh...I wrote this whole long thing and then stupidly pressed refresh and it all went away...

Ok, since I don't feel like writing it all over again, I'll try to summerize.

Spent the last four hours (and then some because of replying) reading this thread, and tho I didn't read every post (there are a lot!) I found what I did read to be very encouraging because I can identify with a lot of it.

When I was 3 or 4 I was sexually abuse/possibly raped by an older cousin who never was punished for it. When I told my mom and told her how old I was, she said that I was old enough to "know better". I have a 3 yr old...no way in hell is that old enough to know better!
I was physically and emotionally abused from my older siblings (they too had been sexually abused by our cousin, so I think that's where the animosity came from). I think I was around 9 when I actually tried to kill myself. I still remember occasions when I would pray to God while huddled on the floor begging him to end my life because I hated it so much. It was from those experiences that I decided I would only ever have one child because I didn't want my child experiencing the same childhood I had. No siblings means no abuse from them.
From all that, I became independent and strong, and gained the ability to stand up for myself. The physical abuse from my sister stopped the day I fought back and almost broke her ankle.

Anyways, I lost the ability to trust and after my ex left me for another woman, I'm dealing with horrible feelings of inadequacy. Mostly I just feel like a piece of garbage that's not even good enough to recycle. I know I'm bitter against men. I tend to think all men are assholes when I know that's not true. If I have any kind of relationship with a guy, it's based mainly on sex and doesn't last very long.

I know what I have to do to get rid of the bitterness, but I don't want to. I feel like it's the only thing keeping my feet solid on the ground of reality so that I don't fall for another guy and end up hurt again. But the bitterness is eating me up inside. My attitude, my demeanor is changing. One of my clients told me that today was the birthday of her deceased father and that it was a very rough day for her, and I had to coach myself inorder to show sympathy. I feel like I'm becoming a heartless bitch. I don't like that; I don't want to be that, but I don't want to be vulnerable agian either.

Several pages back in this thread, someone posted signs of an emotional abuser. Yeah, I'm starting to show some of those traits too. I'm scared shitless because the person who would be on the receiving end of that abuse would be my daughter. I don't want that to happen; I don't want her to have to live with emotional scars and have it affect her future relationships.

I wish there was a way I could get rid of the bitterness, but still keep my feet planted in harsh reality so I don't forget what I went thru. I don't want to move on or find another man. I want to be independent and strong, but happy too.

Update:

Shortly after I wrote this, I had a crisis of religion, which I won't go into; however, the journey I have taken and am still taking has changed my life. So much of the conflicted feelings I was experiencing was partly due to the religion I was raised in. Freeing myself from it's expectations has done wonders for my mental health. Being a divorced single mother, I no longer "fit" into the "mold" that was set as a standard in the church. I knew something had to change when I started hating going to church.

So, yes, I am still on my journey of finding out what exactly I believe, but I can definitely say I'm a happier person now than I was then. My level of patience, that was never great to begin with, has risen so much. (just ask the lady I spoke with today from AT&T...grrr at them and their awful service)

It's amazing what giving yourself the permission to be yourself can do. Thanks for this thread; it's nice to know I'm not alone.

ps: yeah, my relationships with guys are still based on sex, because, well, I have needs My trust issues are far from being resolved, but for now, I'm fine with just trusting myself.

 

[Gil_T2]

Noor, Saucyminx and Gil...Thank you so much for validating what I have felt for so long. I thought I was alone. Am literally bawling as I type this unable to breathe. I have no support group...friends are somewhat nonexistent, family says, "just get over it and deal" and I feel like a robot. Home..work..home... work. I want to have energy, hope, happiness and a "normal" life but I can't find the spark to ignite the anger to motivate me. Any suggestions? You all have touch my heart in a place I never knew still existed. Thank you all soo much!

Saucyminx said: Sweetie, you do have a support group right here, and don't hesitate to use it. My pm box is always open, and if you'd prefer an email address, just message me and its yours.

Talking about it helps--or at least it sure did for me.

You aren't alone anymore.

This goes for me too, in fact I think anyone who has posted on here would also put their hand up to help too, NOTHING is to minor.

 

[Gil_T2]

Wishing each and all the best in your recovering journeys'. It may not seem like you have made great strides. Yet you truly have even in sharing herein and I for one am very proud of you in your strength and courage for yourselves and others. May you learn more each day how truly beautiful you are where it matters most... within.

( gentle comforting hugs for those wishing or needing them... as often as you like)

Fantastic post Wolf.


Saucyminx, you are doing some wonderful posts here, thankyou.

 

[Gil_T2]

Update:

Shortly after I wrote this, I had a crisis of religion, which I won't go into; however, the journey I have taken and am still taking has changed my life. So much of the conflicted feelings I was experiencing was partly due to the religion I was raised in. Freeing myself from it's expectations has done wonders for my mental health. Being a divorced single mother, I no longer "fit" into the "mold" that was set as a standard in the church. I knew something had to change when I started hating going to church.

So, yes, I am still on my journey of finding out what exactly I believe, but I can definitely say I'm a happier person now than I was then. My level of patience, that was never great to begin with, has risen so much. (just ask the lady I spoke with today from AT&T...grrr at them and their awful service)

It's amazing what giving yourself the permission to be yourself can do. Thanks for this thread; it's nice to know I'm not alone.

ps: yeah, my relationships with guys are still based on sex, because, well, I have needs My trust issues are far from being resolved, but for now, I'm fine with just trusting myself.

qrayze, It is fantastic that your taking control & making decisions for yourself, this is a big step forward.

NEVER feel alone as there are lots who car about each & everyone on here.

As for your PS: I did exactly the same as you, just sex, no involvement.

 

[Gil_T2]

Just a bump up so the tread is seen.

 

[Daddi_DJ]

I am pretty new to this site. I don't know what has all been posted so I hope I am welcomed. I was in an abusive relationship for almost 5 yrs. She was physically and emotionally abusive. The first time we fought was the first night we moved in together. I don't remember what started it. All I remember is being beat down between the couch and the chair in pitch black and being dared to move. It only got worse from there. The verbal abuse stopped being unbelievable to it must be true. I began drinking heavily because I thought I was nothing and couldn't find anyone who would want me but her. I dealt with black eyes, rapes, and her telling me it was my fault and that the rapes weren't rapes because I was hers. Then she would laugh about it. I was always apologizing and dealing with her cheating and treating me like I was nothing compared to her. I found myself in California alone with her and her family. Finally, one day she threatened me with a towel rack and I just wanted it to end so I told her to do it and get it over with. That was the last straw. I cried to my mom and she brought me home. I always thought that I was past her and that time in my life until my current girlfriend told me I show classic signs of being abused. I have no clue how to be the person I was or even how to change the insecure person I am. If anyone has any ideas please..I am open for suggestions.

 

[JustCurious75]

I'm not new to this site. I'm a current active user on Lit but I'm not brave enough at the moment to use my real username. I have been following this thread for the past few months and I have been contemplating whether I should share my story.

I know that I have reached the point in which I am fed up and tired with the verbal abuse which has been going on for years by my father and I can't take it anymore. I want to move out but I don't have the financial means since I'm going to school. I know I would but much happier.

I don't really remember when it started but I think it was around when I was 14. He was making fun of my body saying things like my butt was dragging me down when I ran because I was practicing for track and field at the time. I remember quitting the team after that. He never really said anything supportive like I'm proud of you doing well in secondary school, university, etc. It's been mostly taunting, name-calling, shouting, cursing, making fun of my body, etc. He has done this constantly to my mother as well.

He always blames me for doing things that I haven't done, discounts my opinions, is angry when I don't do what he wants me to, etc.

I think that's why I tend to keep to myself, being quiet, being self-conscious about my body and sometimes, having self-esteem issues but I'm working on those issues.

I just wished I had made better decisions when I was younger.

 

[Bandit58]

I'm not new to this site. I'm a current active user on Lit but I'm not brave enough at the moment to use my real username. I have been following this thread for the past few months and I have been contemplating whether I should share my story.

I know that I have reached the point in which I am fed up and tired with the verbal abuse which has been going on for years by my father and I can't take it anymore. I want to move out but I don't have the financial means since I'm going to school. I know I would but much happier.

I don't really remember when it started but I think it was around when I was 14. He was making fun of my body saying things like my butt was dragging me down when I ran because I was practicing for track and field at the time. I remember quitting the team after that. He never really said anything supportive like I'm proud of you doing well in secondary school, university, etc. It's been mostly taunting, name-calling, shouting, cursing, making fun of my body, etc. He has done this constantly to my mother as well.

He always blames me for doing things that I haven't done, discounts my opinions, is angry when I don't do what he wants me to, etc.

I think that's why I tend to keep to myself, being quiet, being self-conscious about my body and sometimes, having self-esteem issues but I'm working on those issues.

I just wished I had made better decisions when I was younger.

Hi JustCurious, I will point Gil to your post when he wakes up, his father was abusive to him as well and he may have some insights that I don't.

However I lived with an emotionally abusive husband for 23 years and I know how bad it can get. Good to see that you're working on your self esteem, I am still working on mine even after leaving my abuser 9 years ago. I believe this will always be a "work in progress".

I wish I'd made better decisions too - unfortunately we can only go with the decisions we will make in the future and hope they go better than the ones of the past *good luck to you*

 

[Bandit58]

I am pretty new to this site. I don't know what has all been posted so I hope I am welcomed. I was in an abusive relationship for almost 5 yrs. She was physically and emotionally abusive. The first time we fought was the first night we moved in together. I don't remember what started it. All I remember is being beat down between the couch and the chair in pitch black and being dared to move. It only got worse from there. The verbal abuse stopped being unbelievable to it must be true. I began drinking heavily because I thought I was nothing and couldn't find anyone who would want me but her. I dealt with black eyes, rapes, and her telling me it was my fault and that the rapes weren't rapes because I was hers. Then she would laugh about it. I was always apologizing and dealing with her cheating and treating me like I was nothing compared to her. I found myself in California alone with her and her family. Finally, one day she threatened me with a towel rack and I just wanted it to end so I told her to do it and get it over with. That was the last straw. I cried to my mom and she brought me home. I always thought that I was past her and that time in my life until my current girlfriend told me I show classic signs of being abused. I have no clue how to be the person I was or even how to change the insecure person I am. If anyone has any ideas please..I am open for suggestions.

Hi Daddi_DJ I am so sorry this happened to you, and I'm so glad you got out and are safe now.

How long have you been out of this relationship? It will take time to recover from this - probably longer than you were in the actual relationship for. I would suggest some counselling might be in order too.

If you are currently in a good place now relationshipwise, then that will help. Gil and I got together almost 2 years after I left my ex. We have been each other's support system, both of us having come from past abuse. This thread has helped us to get our feelings out in a safe place and also help others at the same time.

Feel free to come back and vent, and we both have open PM boxes if anyone wants to talk privately

 

[JustCurious75]

Hi JustCurious, I will point Gil to your post when he wakes up, his father was abusive to him as well and he may have some insights that I don't.

However I lived with an emotionally abusive husband for 23 years and I know how bad it can get. Good to see that you're working on your self esteem, I am still working on mine even after leaving my abuser 9 years ago. I believe this will always be a "work in progress".

I wish I'd made better decisions too - unfortunately we can only go with the decisions we will make in the future and hope they go better than the ones of the past *good luck to you*

I also wanted to say that I really appreciate this thread. This is the first time I have ever talked about it in the open after all these years. I feel a bit better actually venting this.

I have been crying the past few days about this. I don't know. I'm just feeling very emotional. I just want to be happy like the way I used to feel but most days, this constant tension/arguing in our house just drains me of my energy.

Thanks for the luck.

 

[Gil_T2]

I am pretty new to this site. I don't know what has all been posted so I hope I am welcomed. I was in an abusive relationship for almost 5 yrs. She was physically and emotionally abusive. The first time we fought was the first night we moved in together. I don't remember what started it. All I remember is being beat down between the couch and the chair in pitch black and being dared to move. It only got worse from there. The verbal abuse stopped being unbelievable to it must be true. I began drinking heavily because I thought I was nothing and couldn't find anyone who would want me but her. I dealt with black eyes, rapes, and her telling me it was my fault and that the rapes weren't rapes because I was hers. Then she would laugh about it. I was always apologizing and dealing with her cheating and treating me like I was nothing compared to her. I found myself in California alone with her and her family. Finally, one day she threatened me with a towel rack and I just wanted it to end so I told her to do it and get it over with. That was the last straw. I cried to my mom and she brought me home. I always thought that I was past her and that time in my life until my current girlfriend told me I show classic signs of being abused. I have no clue how to be the person I was or even how to change the insecure person I am. If anyone has any ideas please..I am open for suggestions.

Hi Daddi_DJ, Wow like so many others here you have been through the tough times & I bet a lot who know nothing of being a survivor of abuse say why didn't you just leave after the first, second, third time but those who have been there know it's also the mental abuse making you think you are alone.

I'm glad you have escaped from this abusive relationship & hope you find help to solve the problems you're still facing & step by step you learn that you are a worthwhile person, sadly there is no magic solution just time good counselling & care & love from those who know you as a worthwhile person.

As Bandit said somewhere here our PM boxes are always open to you or anyone popping in here & the fact you have posted here is a big step.

 

[Gil_T2]

I'm not new to this site. I'm a current active user on Lit but I'm not brave enough at the moment to use my real username. I have been following this thread for the past few months and I have been contemplating whether I should share my story.

I know that I have reached the point in which I am fed up and tired with the verbal abuse which has been going on for years by my father and I can't take it anymore. I want to move out but I don't have the financial means since I'm going to school. I know I would but much happier.

I don't really remember when it started but I think it was around when I was 14. He was making fun of my body saying things like my butt was dragging me down when I ran because I was practicing for track and field at the time. I remember quitting the team after that. He never really said anything supportive like I'm proud of you doing well in secondary school, university, etc. It's been mostly taunting, name-calling, shouting, cursing, making fun of my body, etc. He has done this constantly to my mother as well.

He always blames me for doing things that I haven't done, discounts my opinions, is angry when I don't do what he wants me to, etc.

I think that's why I tend to keep to myself, being quiet, being self-conscious about my body and sometimes, having self-esteem issues but I'm working on those issues.

I just wished I had made better decisions when I was younger.

JustCurious, you have taken a big step just by posting here.

I really feel for you because I still have flashback to me years of mental abuse by my father, my sister & mother still don't understand what he did every day of my life up till alzheimer's dementia got hold of him.
I had always planned on telling him what an abusive bastard he was but never got the chance. I always had body image problems as well as self doubt which I have managed to seal with although still have moments of doubt.

I'm so glad your working on the problems you abuse has caused you, are you getting good counselling?

I also find reading through this thread from start to finish helps me realise that there are many good people who have been through similar issues as you & many have made great progress.

As always BANDIT & I always have our PM boxes open.

 

[Daddi_DJ]

I was in the same boat as you except my father stopped being a dad when I was eight. He would always tell me I am just like my mother and would never do anything with my life. Not to mention the constant physical abuse. He raised me to be his little boy. I played sports all year round and he always had something negative to say no matter how many awards I won, points I scored, or fast I ran. I grew up being told everything was my fault even when it wasn't. I was physically abused for things my sisters did because I was the oldest. Around the age of 14 I realized he had never been faithful to my mom and I had proof so he was dead to me. My dad stayed out all night every night and the only time he came around was to abuse me and my mom. At 16 he had to be escorted out of the house by police because he was trying to break down the door to get to me. We disowned each other the very next day. Even to this day he still talks to me like i am 12 and we always argue and curse at each other because there is no bond there. He made me stronger and weaker at the same time. I have a higher degree than him and make more money than him and am definately happier than him. But even to this day sometimes I wonder if he was right. I don't think that will ever go away. I understand what you are going through and one day it WILL get better. You just have to keep telling yourself that he puts you down because you are better than him and he knows it. It will be rough til you get out on your own but if you continue to remember that you ARE better one day you will believe it and you will KNOW it.

 

[starrheat]

I also wanted to say that I really appreciate this thread. This is the first time I have ever talked about it in the open after all these years. I feel a bit better actually venting this.

I have been crying the past few days about this. I don't know. I'm just feeling very emotional. I just want to be happy like the way I used to feel but most days, this constant tension/arguing in our house just drains me of my energy.

Thanks for the luck.

Hi Just Curious! I know how you feel with the sadness. I, too grew up in a household with a father who was a mental and emotional abuser. My mother claims she hated when he did it, but she never spoke and would sometimes chime in. In addition, I was dated raped the first month I was at college and it was also my first sexual experience. Emotions are very hard for me as well, because growing up, you could only express happiness...any other expressed emotions got your ass spanked by my father.

It does feel better each time you talk about it and let the emotions out. If you ever need to talk I am always here and my PM box is always open.

I know it is hard. But this thread is helping me with my recovery and I know it can help you, too!

Sending warming thoughts and positive charged hugs your way!

 

[Daddi_DJ]

Thanks for the love. I will remember that. I know the biggest step and hardest was getting away. I am happier and know that karma is biting her in the butt right now. This makes it easier to get through (I know it shouldn't). Plus I have someone that is helping me work on the issues with self esteem and knowing I AM a good Daddi.

 

[Gil_T2]

Hi Just Curious! I know how you feel with the sadness. I, too grew up in a household with a father who was a mental and emotional abuser. My mother claims she hated when he did it, but she never spoke and would sometimes chime in. In addition, I was dated raped the first month I was at college and it was also my first sexual experience. Emotions are very hard for me as well, because growing up, you could only express happiness...any other expressed emotions got your ass spanked by my father.

It does feel better each time you talk about it and let the emotions out. If you ever need to talk I am always here and my PM box is always open.

I know it is hard. But this thread is helping me with my recovery and I know it can help you, too!

Sending warming thoughts and positive charged hugs your way!

Thankyou Starrheat for dropping in here & lending your words & offer of support.

This is one of the most uplifting things that has happened over & over, people reaching out to offer a helping hand, This brightens my day.

 

[Gil_T2]

Thanks for the love. I will remember that. I know the biggest step and hardest was getting away. I am happier and know that karma is biting her in the butt right now. This makes it easier to get through (I know it shouldn't). Plus I have someone that is helping me work on the issues with self esteem and knowing I AM a good Daddi.

If it is the Luna I'm thinking it might be & think you are in safe, loving hands.

 

[lovecraft68]

I just happened upon this thread and am glad I did. I have long been a proponent of getting rid of the non/consent rape stories on this site as they glorify a horrible act.

I am glad to have found this as the terrible threads of "gee I wish I could get raped" are a recurring theme around here. It is good to see there are people who understand the long term emotional damage that goes along with an act that is treated like a joke here.

 

[Bandit58]

I just happened upon this thread and am glad I did. I have long been a proponent of getting rid of the non/consent rape stories on this site as they glorify a horrible act.

I am glad to have found this as the terrible threads of "gee I wish I could get raped" are a recurring theme around here. It is good to see there are people who understand the long term emotional damage that goes along with an act that is treated like a joke here.

I have been date raped, and endured unwanted sex with my ex. I agree that real rape is horrible.

I admit I've never read any of the non consent stories on Lit. However if you're going to get rid of those, how about the incest ones as well? That can also be a horrible act, especially if it involves young children.

I am a submissive, and I can understand the fantasy of wanting to be dominated and taken "against my will". Lots of people have this fantasy and for most of them that's where it stays, as a fantasy.

However I have read of people who do indulge in the type of play known as "consensual non-consent". The players are mostly known to each other, have a huge amount of trust and a safeword is in place just in case things get too edgy for the one being "raped". For myself I don't think I could do it, it would probably bring up all sorts of nasty flashbacks and I have had enough of those to know that I do not want to go there again. But for those who do this type of play - your kink may not be my kink, but I respect your right to play as you wish.

 

[brokensub]

I just happened upon this thread and am glad I did. I have long been a proponent of getting rid of the non/consent rape stories on this site as they glorify a horrible act.

I am glad to have found this as the terrible threads of "gee I wish I could get raped" are a recurring theme around here. It is good to see there are people who understand the long term emotional damage that goes along with an act that is treated like a joke here.

I have been date raped, and endured unwanted sex with my ex. I agree that real rape is horrible.

I admit I've never read any of the non consent stories on Lit. However if you're going to get rid of those, how about the incest ones as well? That can also be a horrible act, especially if it involves young children.

I am a submissive, and I can understand the fantasy of wanting to be dominated and taken "against my will". Lots of people have this fantasy and for most of them that's where it stays, as a fantasy.

However I have read of people who do indulge in the type of play known as "consensual non-consent". The players are mostly known to each other, have a huge amount of trust and a safeword is in place just in case things get too edgy for the one being "raped". For myself I don't think I could do it, it would probably bring up all sorts of nasty flashbacks and I have had enough of those to know that I do not want to go there again. But for those who do this type of play - your kink may not be my kink, but I respect your right to play as you wish.

I agree, Bandit58, with a bit of a twist.

Non consensual/Reluctance stories don't necessarily mean they are stories about rape. Period. As a matter of fact, I can't think of one that I've read that included, or was about, or talked about, or described rape. Not saying they aren't there, but if the teaser blurb doesn't resonate with me, I don't read it.

A little background. I was a victim of a brutal rape nearly 2 decades ago. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks, and MUCH later sought professional help in dealing with it.

I could, name a handful of my favorite authors and probably about a dozen non/con stories that really trip my trigger. I don't get a rape vibe from them at all. But hey, someone else might from reading the exact same story. I don't think it's right, or fair to want to ban all of these stories, or an entire category, because some of them may be construed as rape. To be honest? If I read one from this genre (or any other), and I find it offensive for any reason, I stop reading it. Simple.

There are a couple categories here that truly turn me off. (major understatement) But, that's me. I wouldn't ever expect Lit. to pull the incest category off the site simply because I find them vile.