Dom behavior or wishful thinking?

[leyna]

Newbie here, please be gentle...
Where do I start... I've always been intrigued by the thought of being bound, taken, forced, etc. I am turned on when my bf grabs my hair and guides me to what he wants. When we first got together I would bite the crap out of him (he used to say it looked like he'd been in a fight) but when he started biting me instead, I stopped doing it to him and thoroughly enjoy when he bites me. I love it when he holds me down and teases and tickles me all over. When he whacks my ass or pinches my nipples I get extremely turned on. I also love when he suggests vitamins for me to take, helps me choose healthy options on menus and while food shopping, and just generally (and gently) encourages me to grow as a person without being overbearing.
Here's the question: in normal everyday activities I am quite strong and authoritative - could it be possible that I have sub tendencies? I just don't see myself as the crawl on the floor, wait on him hand and foot or call him "Sir" type of person.
Secondly - And more importantly, He seems to get a twinkle in his eye when he whacks my butt or pinches my nipples. When I lost my debit card temporarily the other day, he said he was gonna "bang me good" for that one. Later that night, he noticed a Mc Donald's bag in my car, so i playfully asked him how many spanks I'd get for that. he answered : "oh, 5 or 6" so I pushed a little further - oh, so how many for losing my debit card? "Oh 2 or 3" Ok, and how many just cuz you feel like it? He smirked and took a deep drag of his cigarette. Sadly, I never did get that spanking this weekend and I have to say I'm a little disappointed. How would I go about encouraging a little more exploration without scaring him?
Any and all opinions and/or advice is appreciated.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I have good news for you:

You don't have to be "a submissive" to enjoy being on the receiving end of rough sex. He can enjoy being your top-- giving you strong sensations-- without being "A Dominant."

here's a thread on that topic: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=764329

In my own experience, I've found a straightforward approach makes a lot of difference:

"Baby, remember we were joking about that spanking? I have to tell you, I keep thinking about it-- it's getting my panties wet. It's like my butt is one big erogenous zone. Want to try it? Would you like it?" (Talk about a leading question) Because I am about positive that I would. I can show you where it would feel best and stuff... "

Has nothing to do with submission, as you see. In fact-- you're calling the shots, or possibly-- inviting him to explore this in a perfectl egalitarian way.

He might ask you to return the favor. A significant proportion of the male population are money-see-monkey-do kinda guys...

 

[leyna]

Thanks for the reply, Stella I have appreciated your insights on other threads especially your thoughts on "pillow queens" and "topping from the bottom"- I'll def check out that thread.
I just figured a bit of exploration into this drive and why it intrigues me seems appropos
In the past, I HAVE suggested handcuffs (he brought them but never used them) and on another occasion point blank asked him when he'd be tying me up - two days later he told me he got the rope (but never used it)
Like, does he WANT TO or is he HUMORING me? uggh

It's just a little confusing - see i was married 15 yrs to an overbearing boor of a man and the sex wasn't even vanilla - i got to the point where i didn't even want to - and now i feel like i'm turning into a nympho with VERY kinky leanings. It just makes me wonder if this is what i kind of wanted all along.

Sorry if it's TMI - just trying to delve into the psychology...

 

[Stella_Omega]

welcome to the bee in my bonnet!

I can totally sympathize with the wondering about what you might have missed "if only..."

What would happen if he walked into the room and found you naked on the bed with the handcuffs lying on your belly?

 

[Sir_Winston54]

welcome to the bee in my bonnet!

I can totally sympathize with the wondering about what you might have missed "if only..."

What would happen if he walked into the room and found you naked on the bed with the handcuffs lying on your belly?

Or walked into the room and found her naked on the bed with the handcuffs lying on the small of her back...? And maybe a paddle or belt or [insert preferred object here] lying beside her?

Hmmm... Maybe I shouldn't say "insert object" in this context...

 

[leyna]

I think he'd TOTALLY take advantage of the situation 3 -- which is why i *think* he as an inner PYL -- he gets faaaarrr too excited just running his fingers across my skin and watching me squirm

 

[leyna]

Or walked into the room and found her naked on the bed with the handcuffs lying on the small of her back...? And maybe a paddle or belt or [insert preferred object here] lying beside her?

Hmmm... Maybe I shouldn't say "insert object" in this context...

See SirWinston -- i have this cool wooden paddle-type brush and have waved it jokingly towards him when he says he's "gonna get me" ---but no follow through --
we've had the handcuffs sitting n the night-table, -- it makes me wonder if he's been down this road before with an ex and might be afraid to stir up past feelings?

"insert object" LOL

 

[Stella_Omega]

See SirWinston -- i have this cool wooden paddle-type brush and have waved it jokingly towards him when he says he's "gonna get me" ---but no follow through --
we've had the handcuffs sitting n the night-table, -- it makes me wonder if he's been down this road before with an ex and might be afraid to stir up past feelings?

"insert object" LOL

Do you think he would talk with you if you brought it up?

 

[WastelandVoice]

It seems like you've quasi-been there before with him so far as some light rough trade and kinky sex... why not force the issue a bit?

The next time you're starting to be intimate, present your ass to him and remind him that he owes you a few spanks... see if he responds. If he does you can go from there and he may take it as a sign that you want him to initiate that sort of fun.

If he doesn't... well.. he doesn't...

But either way you can have an open an honest conversation about it afterward and see where his mind is at so far as the rough sex is concerned.

It seems like he has some of these tendancies but he hasn't truly explored them or he's not sure how you would respond if he did. He may also be "talking big" when you bring up the spanking thing and perhaps it's his way of being coy but not serious?

I'd definitely try presenting your bare ass to him next time and see if he gets the hint!

 

[leyna]

It seems like you've quasi-been there before with him so far as some light rough trade and kinky sex... why not force the issue a bit?

The next time you're starting to be intimate, present your ass to him and remind him that he owes you a few spanks... see if he responds. If he does you can go from there and he may take it as a sign that you want him to initiate that sort of fun.

If he doesn't... well.. he doesn't...

But either way you can have an open an honest conversation about it afterward and see where his mind is at so far as the rough sex is concerned.

It seems like he has some of these tendancies but he hasn't truly explored them or he's not sure how you would respond if he did.

I'd definitely try presenting your bare ass to him next time and see if he gets the hint!

THis is what i'm unsure of -- he is so attentive and in tune to how I/my body respond to his touch, etc. And it reeeeaallly gets him going when he finds something new. He notices everything. Just yesterday he asked me if I was still in pain-i had hurt my back moving crates of books at work-- because he's never seen me standing with my arms crossed-- I WAS.

What gets me is how he turned the tables with the biting --- He really bites me a lot now and DEEP - wonder what would happen if I came after him with the paddle? LOL

He knows everything that excites me, as I always tell him what I really liked afterwards.
I just don't want to keep pushing and make him uncomfortable but would love to keep letting him know what i'd be "into" and let him move at his own pace?

Stella- do you mean the thing with the ex? We made a pact a long time ago to keep the past in the past but i DO know from mutual friends that one of his first girlfriends used to - quote: beat the shit out of him- end quote

 

[WastelandVoice]

Well you know him better than I do (obviously) but he doesn't sound like the type of guy who would be uncomfortable doing a little spanking... I mean he's on board with the biting thing and I'd think that's a little more extreme than spanking...

He also doesn't sound like the type of guy who would just go along with something he wasn't comfortable with...

Am I reading that right or am I off base here?

 

[HottieMama]

I don't think that having an open and honest discussion about your feelings and what you would like to experience is "pushing." Demanding that he do it all NOW...well...that might be pushing....

 

[Stella_Omega]

THis is what i'm unsure of -- he is so attentive and in tune to how I/my body respond to his touch, etc. And it reeeeaallly gets him going when he finds something new. He notices everything. Just yesterday he asked me if I was still in pain-i had hurt my back moving crates of books at work-- because he's never seen me standing with my arms crossed-- I WAS.

What gets me is how he turned the tables with the biting --- He really bites me a lot now and DEEP - wonder what would happen if I came after him with the paddle? LOL

He knows everything that excites me, as I always tell him what I really liked afterwards.
I just don't want to keep pushing and make him uncomfortable but would love to keep letting him know what i'd be "into" and let him move at his own pace?

Stella- do you mean the thing with the ex? We made a pact a long time ago to keep the past in the past but i DO know from mutual friends that one of his first girlfriends used to - quote: beat the shit out of him- end quote

Hopefully you could make him comfortable with talking about the past only insofar as it relates to the present situation...

Do you think the 'beating the shit out of him" was BDSM? Maybe he wants to be tied up but thinks that you asked first...

It seems like you guys have a pretty solid relationship, or enough of one that you have a platform to build on.

 

[leyna]

WV - no, I don't think you're offbase. Biting worse than spanking? But it's so natural...
:ounce...GRAAAWWWRRR::

Hopefully you could make him comfortable with talking about the past only insofar as it relates to the present situation...

Do you think the 'beating the shit out of him" was BDSM? Maybe he wants to be tied up but thinks that you asked first...

It seems like you guys have a pretty solid relationship, or enough of one that you have a platform to build on.

Stella - i think you might be onto something there. I mean, he DID already have a set of handcuffs... I tied him up once, when i was hoping he'd turn it around, but i don't think he was that into it (and neither was i for that matter) From what i can tell she was a very big girl and very rough around the edges and he was a wiry 5'10" 170lb. when he was 20. I don't think he had a fighting chance {pun intended} LOL

Thankfully, yes, we actually communicate very well (believe it or not) - verbally and non-verbally.
Just last week i told him there were lots of things i want him to do to me and told him i'd make him a list - he got excited by that
I started the list, but i don't know, i think i'd been reading too much here at lit and it turned more into a "scene" flowing from one action to another, rather than a Honey-Do...

a snippet from our chat this morning:
ME: HEY! I never got my spankin
HE: oh its coming

Which brings me to HottieMama - thanks for posting - love your "what do you expect" thread btw -- I just don't want to seem like I'm obsessing ( even though i might be) but i think i'm becoming more clear and honest about what i like and want. And many thanks to the stories on lit for that -- seems like MY communication is key in any BDSM play. Maybe he's mulling over the possibilities but doesn't want ME calling the shots - like I'm the one orchestrating/directing and not him?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Maybe he's mulling over the possibilities but doesn't want ME calling the shots - like I'm the one orchestrating/directing and not him?

If that's what he's thinking-- and you won't know unless you ask him-- the way for him to call the shots is for him to get busy and start calling them. Sooner than sometime next year.

If you care about your partner's sexual happiness, and the act doesn't nauseate you, you don't withhold favors that they've asked for. Sexual desire has a way of fading if it isn't honored and fulfilled.

And of course that other little bee in my bonnet-- could it be that he thinks he has to be the dominant by the rules of the game? Or perhaps he really does have dominant tendencies? That's probably something you need to find out.

 

[leyna]

If that's what he's thinking-- and you won't know unless you ask him-- the way for him to call the shots is for him to get busy and start calling them. Sooner than sometime next year.

If you care about your partner's sexual happiness, and the act doesn't nauseate you, you don't withhold favors that they've asked for. Sexual desire has a way of fading if it isn't honored and fulfilled.

And of course that other little bee in my bonnet-- could it be that he thinks he has to be the dominant by the rules of the game? Or perhaps he really does have dominant tendencies? That's probably something you need to find out.

aaahhh...and back to the crux of my dilemma...so how does one go about "finding out" which end of the spectrum he's actually on? If he has dominant/topping tendencies, then great let's roll... but i was thinking about some of the topics you've raised here and elsewhere - could HE actually be submissive and it pleases him to do things that bring ME pleasure - in which case, do i NEED to orchestrate/direct if i want to try those things?
I feel i know him fairly well and, don't get me wrong, the sex we have now is swing-from-the-ceiling-PHENOMENAL - I just feel like there's something mischievous behind those flashes in his eyes when we veer in BDSM direction. I would love to explore it and coax it out of him but trying to tread lightly and feel him out without freaking him out. Like why would he bring up two days after the conversation - "Oh, by the way, I found the rope..." if it wasn't something he actually thought about too? Like if he wanted to shy away from it, drop the subject and hope it isn't brought up again KWIM?

 

[WastelandVoice]

I think you really just need to talk to him about it or initiate something in the bedroom and see if he runs with it.

 

[KoPilot]

so how does one go about "finding out" which end of the spectrum he's actually on?

You need to talk to him. Posting here is only going to accomplish so much.

 

[leyna]

I thought I HAD been talking to him - I've brought up things i am interested in. He seems to be indicating an interest in what i propose. I have NOT been mute on the issue.

Please understand, this is new territory for me (us) and I was just seeking feedback/advice/insight into introducing elements of BDSM into our playtime.

I tend to be hyper-analytical and was just looking for opinions as i delve into the psychological aspects that would influence the dynamics. He tends to take his time and analyze/over-think things before he makes a move. I'm just curious and seeking insights while i wait for that move.