How to help a shy/good girl realize its OK to explore her sexuality.....

[polyamorous]

A little background....

we have been together almost 4 years, we're both 27. committed, very much in love, but the sex has become kinda vanilla in the last few months.
Now I consider myself extremely adventurous, I'm literally up for just about anything. and she isnt bad in bed, but she's pretty inexperienced.
Now I know she has some desires/fantasies/naughty thoughts down deep in that special place in her mind, but she is very much a "Hallmark Card" kinda girl and very goody two-shoes.
I want her to open up to the idea of exploring her sexuality with me. I want her to know its ok to talk with me about what she's curious about, tell me what turns her on, even let me know her deepest darkest sexual secrets without fear of me judging her for it.
Now she has mentioned a few different things that are kinda bordering on heading away from the vanilla, but we havent had a chance to act on them yet.

Ladies, men, anyone who reads this (especially the ladies) please help me out here. point me in the right direction, give me some positive advice, anything helps.

 

[Emerald Eyed]

If she wants to break out of her shell, she will. You cant make her change

 

[RunningJib]

However

If she wants to break out of her shell, she will. You cant make her change

You can always encourage her.

Have you considered a illustrated book of positions? Or a DVD?

Take it slow . . . she may surprise you

 

[tenderlily]

It can be difficult to open up about your sexuality, there's a special vulnerability there. I know it isn't always easy for me. I am surprised that you have been together so long without talking about it but maybe it's that difficult for her.

Now she has mentioned a few different things that are kinda bordering on heading away from the vanilla, but we havent had a chance to act on them yet.

I would definitely start here. I would advise against doing anything that may feel like you are pressuring her. Just start down the path away from vanilla in the manner that she has expressed interest in. You can't just tell her it's ok to share her sexual desires with you and then have everything change overnight. Be patient, be supportive and like RunningJib said, she may surprise you.

Have you talked to her about what you would like?

 

[polyamorous]

It can be difficult to open up about your sexuality, there's a special vulnerability there. I know it isn't always easy for me. I am surprised that you have been together so long without talking about it but maybe it's that difficult for her.

I would definitely start here. I would advise against doing anything that may feel like you are pressuring her. Just start down the path away from vanilla in the manner that she has expressed interest in. You can't just tell her it's ok to share her sexual desires with you and then have everything change overnight. Be patient, be supportive and like RunningJib said, she may surprise you.

Have you talked to her about what you would like?

We have had that conversation once, she mentioned a few things like masturbating together, maybe watching some adult movies, she would like to be tied up with some of my ties, says she wants to try spanking. This was months ago and we have yet to try any of it.
However on new years, she smoked pot for the first time and was basically begging me to try anal with her. I knew if we did however, since it was spur of the moment and neither of us had prepared it would have ended up being a messy painful thing and neither of us would have enjoyed it.

 

[tenderlily]

...she mentioned a few things like masturbating together, maybe watching some adult movies, she would like to be tied up with some of my ties, says she wants to try spanking. This was months ago and we have yet to try any of it.

Have you brought it up again or are you just waiting on her to mention it? If she is as shy as you indicate than you'll probably have to ask her.

And what's up with this:http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=762972

Have you been in a relationship with this woman for 4 years solid or have you recently reconnected? Or were you just looking for an outlet outside of the relationship? Either way it's helpful for us to know if you are needing advice.

 

[SweetErika]

We have had that conversation once, she mentioned a few things like masturbating together, maybe watching some adult movies, she would like to be tied up with some of my ties, says she wants to try spanking. This was months ago and we have yet to try any of it.
However on new years, she smoked pot for the first time and was basically begging me to try anal with her. I knew if we did however, since it was spur of the moment and neither of us had prepared it would have ended up being a messy painful thing and neither of us would have enjoyed it.

Why haven't you tried any of her suggestions/interests?

Do you think insecurity and/or trust could be playing a role in her hesitancy to open up? I mean your posts and even username here are pretty telling. What if she's picking up on your dissatisfaction with her sexuality, skills, contemplation of cheating (yes, I know you've said you wouldn't, but you've also said you've met other women from a dating site), etc.,?

Anyway, it sounds to me like she'd appreciate you taking some measure of control. Next time she's in the mood, how about taking charge of making out with her passionately, leading her to the bed, and doing something a bit different, like restraining her with your hands, soft material, blindfolding her with a scarf or tie and treating her to some sensation play, or similar?

If you do try even light bondage, make sure you have some basic bondage safety knowledge/skills, EMT/safety shears on hand and give her an easy-to-remember safeword ("safeword" and "red" are popular choices) just in case there's an emergency or she wants to stop at any point for whatever reason(s).

Also, when you're having passionate sex (preferably doggy style), you could throw in a little bit of dirty talk, spanking and perhaps even hairpulling. It doesn't have to be particularly rough or cause real pain; in fact, I'd suggest starting lightly just to give the effect, then progressing from there if she enjoys herself. You could ask in a sexy way in the heat of the moment and/or go easy the first time, then talk about how it made her feel and intensity levels later. If you delve into this type of play, it'd probably be good to combine rougher things like spanking with plenty of tender touching and affection during, as well as as much loving aftercare as she wants/needs.

Obviously I don't know her, but based on your description and my experience, these ideas might be a good starting point for you two.

Personally, I enjoy (primarily giving) intense play, but I'm exceedingly cautious about doing too much too soon, so I always start much lighter than I think my partner can handle, and then do a ton of watching my partner's cues and checking in/communicating. It's far easier to turn it up than repair any damage.

 

[Lilac_Sky]

You have gotten some great suggestions, especially from SE.

For much of my life i was an inhibited "good girl" ... but i knew I wanted to try new things and push to new experiences. But I wasn't confident enough to take the lead on any of that. I would tentatively "test the waters" by mentioning things and hoping they would be acted on. But I needed to have trust and confidence in my partner that he/she knew what more than I did and would carefully "take the reigns."

It sounds like your gf is similar. She has mentioned things she would like to try. You need to gently take the lead. Adult movies are a good place to start if you select them carefully. That can help her get familiar with other possibilities in a more comfortable setting.

Go slow ... the more aroused and excited she is, the more open she may be to trying new things .... be prepared and have a plan. Use what she has brought up before to start slowly trying new things .. not everything will be a raging success but with acceptance and support and communication you should be able to find new experiences for both of you.

 

[fuckmeat]

If you thought your partner was unimpressed with your lovemaking, dissatisfied with the relationship and possibly actively looking around for someone else to fuck, just how motivated would you be to rock their world in the bedroom? If you ask me, your lady is less than stupid and has picked up on the fact that you've practically got one foot out the door.

Breaking new ground in the bedroom requires a great deal of trust and respect. Nobody who's worried about their partner ditching them or cheating is going to trust or respect him very much.

So my advice to you is either to stop looking around and do everything in your power to give your woman the love, respect, security and trustworthiness she needs in order to open up, or do the decent thing, end the relationship without cheating and go look around for your fantasy porn star fuck. In fact I strongly suggest you ditch the poor cow, because it sounds like she deserves better than you.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

If she is unsure of herself in the bedroom (which she probably really isn't since she's been with you for 4 years) then the fact that you are judging her (vanilla) will not assist in her coming out of her shell.
Once had a partner with whom I felt fairly comfortable to a point. When that point was reached, and the point was that I thought he was no longer really interested in me and possibly sleeping around behind my back, I didn't care to pander to his amorous desires.
There was nothing in it for me at that point.
Take a long hard look at what you say and do around her and especially related to your relationship. You probably will find a key there somewhere.
I hope for her sake you really care for her if she decides to open up to you.

 

[CurvAppeal]

Give her time ... it takes a very long time to pop out of your shell.

 

[subwannabe]

Why not talk to her about your thoughts, just like you expressed them here? Everyone always wants to beat around the bush looking for suggestions. Have a frank and honest conversation with her about it without it sounding like something is her fault.

 

[Tmmldr]

....do a ton of watching my partner's cues and checking in/communicating. It's far easier to turn it up than repair any damage.

This argues for doing it with enough light to pick up cues that are visual.

 

[shortstuff02]

I had problems with expressing myself so to start out I would email my SO and tell him ideas I was having so that he knew what was going on in my head. Over time it has gotten easier.

 

[WykdWytch]

Why haven't you tried any of her suggestions/interests?

Do you think insecurity and/or trust could be playing a role in her hesitancy to open up? I mean your posts and even username here are pretty telling. What if she's picking up on your dissatisfaction with her sexuality, skills, contemplation of cheating (yes, I know you've said you wouldn't, but you've also said you've met other women from a dating site), etc.,?

Anyway, it sounds to me like she'd appreciate you taking some measure of control. Next time she's in the mood, how about taking charge of making out with her passionately, leading her to the bed, and doing something a bit different, like restraining her with your hands, soft material, blindfolding her with a scarf or tie and treating her to some sensation play, or similar?

If you do try even light bondage, make sure you have some basic bondage safety knowledge/skills, EMT/safety shears on hand and give her an easy-to-remember safeword ("safeword" and "red" are popular choices) just in case there's an emergency or she wants to stop at any point for whatever reason(s).

Also, when you're having passionate sex (preferably doggy style), you could throw in a little bit of dirty talk, spanking and perhaps even hairpulling. It doesn't have to be particularly rough or cause real pain; in fact, I'd suggest starting lightly just to give the effect, then progressing from there if she enjoys herself. You could ask in a sexy way in the heat of the moment and/or go easy the first time, then talk about how it made her feel and intensity levels later. If you delve into this type of play, it'd probably be good to combine rougher things like spanking with plenty of tender touching and affection during, as well as as much loving aftercare as she wants/needs.

Obviously I don't know her, but based on your description and my experience, these ideas might be a good starting point for you two.

Personally, I enjoy (primarily giving) intense play, but I'm exceedingly cautious about doing too much too soon, so I always start much lighter than I think my partner can handle, and then do a ton of watching my partner's cues and checking in/communicating. It's far easier to turn it up than repair any damage.

......

 

[FGB]

Dude!

She needs to build up a sense of trust with you about that sort of thing. Then just have be consistent and let her move at her own pace, her ideals.
Encourage ,praise and support her.

If it's going to happen it will.

 

[MaryanneB]

Putting the conversation in a context of asking what YOU can do for her may be easier than telling her what you'd like to try. You have to start somewhere and giving her the control may make it easier to express it.
Just a place to start

 

[Miles Long]

Seeing as how this is a thread from five years ago, has anyone heard from the OP? I wonder what ever happened to those crazy kids.