Be true to you

boredVAwife

Not a wife anymore.
Joined
Nov 17, 2010
Posts
1,346
A couple months ago I was forced to make a decision between my alt lifestyle and my husband. I walked away from Lit. I lost contact with a few very wonderful ladies and one in particular I felt close to. I gave up most of my social life (motorcycle riding club) I suggested and gave my all to marriage counseling. I gave and tried and cried my eyes out. Result: Husband cannot accept me and we are separated. Lost touch with some very good friends - some lifelong and others new but special. Feel like I gave up lots of ME for nothing. No pity wanted or needed just hoping anyone that is conflicted will take a deep breath and be true to you and what YOU want because you cannot change others opinions and bottom line is your opinion of self matters most of all. Take care all.
 
you're going to want to change your handle now! "Bored wife" is no longer your defining identity.:rose:
 
Having gone through the disintegration or a 10+ year relationship in which both of us hid ourselves, I can second this.
Be true to yourself as much as you can be.
 
you're going to want to change your handle now! "Bored wife" is no longer your defining identity.:rose:

That is part of the problem I guess. I let it define me for too many years. It didn't break down overnight. Only thing I would do over is I would have told him about the women I dated prior to us getting married. I tried to walk away from that part of me but was always torn. I don't think I lied because how often does that come up unless we bring it up? I lied to me maybe and it worked for lots of years.
 
Congratulations!

VAwife, been there myself & let it happen with my first wife. Years of trying to keep the peace and letting my true self disappear one little bit at a time. I never looked back after the day I left but it took time to recover my true self. You're getting a "do-over", take full advantage and find your joy again!
 
VAWife,
It sounds like your life has been turned upside down. You are right you cannot control other's opinions. If you husband wants an exlusive relationship and that isn't what you want, then this outcome probably is to be expected.

I know it isn't easy to know what you want let alone what the other person wants. I had a relationship about 14 years ago where I thought he was the "one". I was struggling with sex addition, but had it under control. Then two years into it, he told me he had never been in love with me. There was no unfaithfulness sexually from either of us. I won't go into more details, but let's just say that I went over to the "dark side of the force" with the emotional betrayal I felt he had given me. I was about 38 or 39 when he told me that. So I wasn't much older than you at the time.

Anyway, if I had any advice, just be careful with any relationship you have now or in the future -- male, female, and even with your husband that you are estranged with. If they have some ideal of what they are seeking in a partner, and that isn't what you want at all, make sure they know it sooner than later. It doesn't have to be sexual in nature. Imagine you met a woman you really dug, but her idea of a good weekend away was bicycling -- not motorcycling. It might be too much of a compromise for you expecially if you are at the age that you know your likes and your dislikes well enough to know that it isn't your cup of tea. That doens't mean you shouldn't be open to try new things, but there is a difference between trying something new once in a while vs a new hobby that you have no interest in.

I've been with my current guy for a decent amount of time (9 years this coming Labor day). Sexually, I cannot complain. On the other hand he has a very different view about money. I also get rather frustrated that we ended up on a farm and his ideal is that I do my thing and he does his. If I had known some of what I knew now, I would not have purchased this place. I love country living, but I envisioned that we would work togoether -- a farming couple -- not two seperate farmers. I already have a very isolating job in IT, I don't relish another isolated job. He on the other hand has a ver public job, so maybe I could understand that his after work activities he may want to be more alone.

Even if these things are MAJOR stressors for me, I am not going to breakup over that. It does go goes to show that people can be so different -- and it isn't always about sex. Perhaps the important thing is that in any relationship (not just husband/wife or lovers, but even friends, business partners, etc), you'll never find the perfect match in everthing you do together. All we can do is seek to enjoy life however we are wired to do so, and doing so as best we can without hurting others.
 
Your kind words and sound advice are very much appreciated. My world has been upside down for a while and this may just be the ship righting itself. I seek no pity nor will I accept all the blame. It is a loss and a lot of years down the drain but I have no more tears left. Life goes on and there are loves to be had and adventures to seek. Thank you again.
 
Sorry to hear about that. Which is strange, usually, guys like their girls to be bi.

Of course, this is probably media bullshit.
 
Sorry to hear about that. Which is strange, usually, guys like their girls to be bi.

Of course, this is probably media bullshit.

I'm guessing that with the lovely VA, since it was real and not simply fodder for fantasy, he wasn't really okay with it. It would be just as much of a threat to a relationship as if she had been interested in other guys, I would think anyway.

In any case, good to see you back VA.

I wouldn't see it as time down the drain. Every experience contributes to who we are, right?
 
VA.... sorry to hear that things have been difficult but hope everything gets better as time goes by. Good to see you back and say hi anytime!
 
I'm guessing that with the lovely VA, since it was real and not simply fodder for fantasy, he wasn't really okay with it. It would be just as much of a threat to a relationship as if she had been interested in other guys, I would think anyway.

In any case, good to see you back VA.

I wouldn't see it as time down the drain. Every experience contributes to who we are, right?

My husband is a good man but very very old school and more than a little reserved. I knew all of this and chose to keep my prior lifestyle private. When I brought it out several months ago all hell broke loose and resulted in our separating recently. I have some regrets but will never allow them to stop me from living life. He was/is very threatened by the thought of me with another woman and know what? I cannot blame him. Any affair outside of a marriage if not mutually agreed upon is bad no matter how you slice it. I am who I am and chose not to try to change either him or me any longer. It wasn't working anyway. All the marriage counseling in the world cannot change a mind that doesn't want to be changed. No blame there either. To go with a worn out cliche: it is what it is. Tears and time and very good friends help lots. Thanks to all and have a smile today.
 
a mind

I'm sure many here have heard it before but what better time to run it by again.
a mind is just like a parachute they only work when open.

My husband is a good man but very very old school and more than a little reserved. I knew all of this and chose to keep my prior lifestyle private. When I brought it out several months ago all hell broke loose and resulted in our separating recently. I have some regrets but will never allow them to stop me from living life. He was/is very threatened by the thought of me with another woman and know what? I cannot blame him. Any affair outside of a marriage if not mutually agreed upon is bad no matter how you slice it. I am who I am and chose not to try to change either him or me any longer. It wasn't working anyway. All the marriage counseling in the world cannot change a mind that doesn't want to be changed. No blame there either. To go with a worn out cliche: it is what it is. Tears and time and very good friends help lots. Thanks to all and have a smile today.
 
A couple months ago I was forced to make a decision between my alt lifestyle and my husband. I walked away from Lit. I lost contact with a few very wonderful ladies and one in particular I felt close to. I gave up most of my social life (motorcycle riding club) I suggested and gave my all to marriage counseling. I gave and tried and cried my eyes out. Result: Husband cannot accept me and we are separated. Lost touch with some very good friends - some lifelong and others new but special. Feel like I gave up lots of ME for nothing. No pity wanted or needed just hoping anyone that is conflicted will take a deep breath and be true to you and what YOU want because you cannot change others opinions and bottom line is your opinion of self matters most of all. Take care all.

I wish I could hug you....because I can very much feel and appreciate your pain.
Denying yourself what is in your heart is the worst thing of all....

Keep fighting the good fight...and always listen to what moves you. :heart:
 
Another hug from me and hoping each new day brings you more happiness
 
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A couple months ago I was forced to make a decision between my alt lifestyle and my husband. I walked away from Lit. I lost contact with a few very wonderful ladies and one in particular I felt close to. I gave up most of my social life (motorcycle riding club) I suggested and gave my all to marriage counseling. I gave and tried and cried my eyes out. Result: Husband cannot accept me and we are separated. Lost touch with some very good friends - some lifelong and others new but special. Feel like I gave up lots of ME for nothing. No pity wanted or needed just hoping anyone that is conflicted will take a deep breath and be true to you and what YOU want because you cannot change others opinions and bottom line is your opinion of self matters most of all. Take care all.


I have been since glad to hear that every day has been getting better for you and I really hope we have an opportunity to sit and chat like in the past. Have a great time discovering the new you. I look forward to talking agian soon.

Jess
 
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