Should BDSM fantasies be necessary for orgasm?

[hesitancy]

I think this may be the best arena in which to pose this question... My sexual fantasies have always (since I was little) involved BDSM, to some extent, but I've had no actual experience. In fact, I wasn't even sexually active until this year (with the exception of some unfortunate internet experiences). Now what I've noticed is that I can't have an orgasm on my own unless I'm thinking something BDSM-ish, and I haven't been able to have one with my partner at all. He's not averse to the idea of at least trying bondage with me, but we haven't yet done that. I'm sure it'll happen eventually, but the thing is... I *want* to be able to have an orgasm under normal circumstances (e.g. great sex, but no BDSM or the like). So the question is (finally) -- shouldn't I expect to be able to do that? Shouldn't love and sex be enough? Or maybe I want to know whether I have a mental block, or whether others have the same problem?

 

[onceintime123]

Everyone is an individual. It sounds like you have developed a strong sensual connection with bondage that you have let yourself develop for a long period of time.

You say that you have never orgasmed with your partner. Have you never orgasmed with a partner during normal sex at all? That would make a huge difference.

I'm not a girl, but most girls I have been with seem to have certain emotional as well as physical stimulations in their fantasies, and if you have developed yours that strongly, it may be difficult to stop.


But is fucking hot. I wouldn't be averse to you pming me.

 

[CutieMouse]

Why is thinking about BDSM while having an orgasm a "problem"? What's wrong with it simply being how your sexuality is wired?

 

[Stella_Omega]

I, as well, had strongly SM flavored fantasies since I was a child.

That's how I knew that I needed BDSM for a fulfilling sexual life...

Now, it's very possible that you simply don't orgasm during penis-in-vagina sex. This is not unusual in women, not required for happy intercourse, and not necessarily a lifelong thing.

Try the bondage! Go for it!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

It could just be that for you, you'll only get great sex if you include bdsm.

Without power exchange, I myself find it to be very hohum.

You don't have a problem.

 

[BrightlyGo]

Well, you've got a fetish. I'm pretty sure that's the textbook definition: You need it to climax. It's not really all that different from needing a specific sort of physical stimulation. There's nothing wrong with expecting a lover to come through for you, and there are certainly plenty of guys out there who would be compatible with you in that regard.

There's really no 'should' to it. If you can get off with a little bondage, great. If you later find other paths to fulfillment that's great, too - if you don't, it's not a failure.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I wouldn't worry about it too much. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, just this is who you are and how you are wired. I, like many others, have had these fantasies since childhood, and find it is what works for them sexually. Not everyone fits in the same box, that is the beauty of life.

Catalina

 

[subwannabe]

It might be helpful to know how old you are. The fact is, your inexperience may be contributing to your problem. There is nothing wrong with letting BDSM help bring you to orgasm but that doesn't necessarily mean you can't achieve an orgasm without thinking about it. Maybe you just don't know how or have not had a real life partner that knows how to bring you to an orgasm. Many young, unknowledgeable women believe they should be able to have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse but the truth is very few women can. Almost everyone needs clitoral stimulation to actually have an orgasm.

 

[Passing]

It is a shame that in the world we live today we have to label everything. I bet in the old days if a man beat his wife in the bedroom they didn't call it anything in particular, it was what it was. We are what we are and we shouldn't have to label ourselves as having BDSM tendencies or as having a fetish.

That being said, you have to have arousal before you can climax. Whatever you fantasize about the most, which is what turns you on (otherwise you would just skip along to another fantasy, right?). I would start there (with your favorite fantasy), that is probably what you need to get the results you want.

And don't think of the labels.

 

[teknight]

I think this may be the best arena in which to pose this question... My sexual fantasies have always (since I was little) involved BDSM, to some extent, but I've had no actual experience. In fact, I wasn't even sexually active until this year (with the exception of some unfortunate internet experiences). Now what I've noticed is that I can't have an orgasm on my own unless I'm thinking something BDSM-ish, and I haven't been able to have one with my partner at all. He's not averse to the idea of at least trying bondage with me, but we haven't yet done that. I'm sure it'll happen eventually, but the thing is... I *want* to be able to have an orgasm under normal circumstances (e.g. great sex, but no BDSM or the like). So the question is (finally) -- shouldn't I expect to be able to do that? Shouldn't love and sex be enough? Or maybe I want to know whether I have a mental block, or whether others have the same problem?

Let me see if I understand what you're saying:
You have had sex. Have you not had an orgasm from the mere act of sexual intercourse?
My take on it is a physiological one: Really, achieving orgasm is a question of feeling safe and relaxed to where having your naughty bits (wherever they might be located) stimulated gets you off. To answer your question, yeah, you should be able to cum free of ropes. But, if you're gonna stress over it, it might not work. Of course, telling you not to stress over it might stress you out more, so...

 

[DVS]

Let me see if I understand what you're saying:
You have had sex. Have you not had an orgasm from the mere act of sexual intercourse?
My take on it is a physiological one: Really, achieving orgasm is a question of feeling safe and relaxed to where having your naughty bits (wherever they might be located) stimulated gets you off. To answer your question, yeah, you should be able to cum free of ropes. But, if you're gonna stress over it, it might not work. Of course, telling you not to stress over it might stress you out more, so...

Stress is like a bacteria on a petri dish...it multiplies! Stress equals stress. I know that some women don't orgasm from sexual intercourse, but that's a topic for a different thread. But in my world, stressing over the fact that orgasm can only be accomplished when thinking of BDSM fantasies is stressing over nothing. I enjoy BDSM sex. In fact, I've lived out most of my BDSM fantasies. It's my thing. If I were to stress about not being able to orgasm without thinking of BDSM stuff, I'd be over stressed. I might be dead now, from stress. Let it go and enjoy the orgasm.

 

[teknight]

Let me see if I understand what you're saying:
</snip>

Stress is like a bacteria on a petri dish...</snip>

I was trying to answer the OP's question: can she cum without BDSM? (if that is indeed the question). I say "yes", but I'm not making a judgment call one way or another. Come as you are, as Nirvana would say. If you want to come without BDSM elements, then you can. But you don't have to.

 

[hesitancy]

Thanks for the replies, all. So, I'm 30 years old, and I've only been with one person (in "real life"). And no, I've never had an orgasm at all with anybody else, in real life or in the virtual world. I THINK I feel safe, comfortable, and whatnot with my partner. I get turned on really easily, and it feels incredible... I just don't climax. Or even build to one. My partner is very experienced and creative sexually... we just haven't tried bondage yet. Now there IS a possibility that the medications I'm on are impeding my progress somewhat, but there hasn't been the necessary research on those particular drugs, apparently. I just used to be able to orgasm a lot more easily (still probably always fantasizing about BDSM, though). I guess I'm just wondering if because I always fantasize about BDSM, I'll only be able to orgasm in similar circumstances...

 

[DVS]

Thanks for the replies, all. So, I'm 30 years old, and I've only been with one person (in "real life"). And no, I've never had an orgasm at all with anybody else, in real life or in the virtual world. I THINK I feel safe, comfortable, and whatnot with my partner. I get turned on really easily, and it feels incredible... I just don't climax. Or even build to one. My partner is very experienced and creative sexually... we just haven't tried bondage yet. Now there IS a possibility that the medications I'm on are impeding my progress somewhat, but there hasn't been the necessary research on those particular drugs, apparently. I just used to be able to orgasm a lot more easily (still probably always fantasizing about BDSM, though). I guess I'm just wondering if because I always fantasize about BDSM, I'll only be able to orgasm in similar circumstances...

For the record, I have been enjoying BDSM type things for so long, I really don't think I could have an orgasm with normal vanilla sex. It's just what I enjoy and so my mind always goes there. I don't consider it a sickness or a disability. It's like I don't get into incest, so why would I think about such fantasies?

It is possible that medications are causing this. If I were you, I'd try some BDSMish sex, to see if you orgasm. Some light bondage or spanking. Whatever it is that you fantasize about. If that's what gets you off, that's what gets you off. There's no crime in it.

 

[DVS]

I was trying to answer the OP's question: can she cum without BDSM? (if that is indeed the question). I say "yes", but I'm not making a judgment call one way or another. Come as you are, as Nirvana would say. If you want to come without BDSM elements, then you can. But you don't have to.

I was replying to the OP. I don't know why I quoted your post. Yours just happened to be the last post, and I hit the wrong button, I guess.

 

[hesitancy]

Just wanted to clarify something: I am by no means saying that there's anything "wrong" with the BDSM fantasies, predilections, or lifestyle. Or even that I don't intend to try it... I just have an inquiring mind and like to understand things!

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks for the replies, all. So, I'm 30 years old, and I've only been with one person (in "real life"). And no, I've never had an orgasm at all with anybody else, in real life or in the virtual world. I THINK I feel safe, comfortable, and whatnot with my partner. I get turned on really easily, and it feels incredible... I just don't climax. Or even build to one. My partner is very experienced and creative sexually... we just haven't tried bondage yet. Now there IS a possibility that the medications I'm on are impeding my progress somewhat, but there hasn't been the necessary research on those particular drugs, apparently. I just used to be able to orgasm a lot more easily (still probably always fantasizing about BDSM, though). I guess I'm just wondering if because I always fantasize about BDSM, I'll only be able to orgasm in similar circumstances...

Maybe... maybe not.

Are you trying to climax from penetration or clitoral stimulation? Both? Other erogenous zones? Pain/discomfort? Sensory deprivation? Are you maybe so focused on the goal of climaxing, that it's distracting your from climaxing?

 

[midwestyankee]

Maybe... maybe not.

Are you trying to climax from penetration or clitoral stimulation? Both? Other erogenous zones? Pain/discomfort? Sensory deprivation? Are you maybe so focused on the goal of climaxing, that it's distracting your from climaxing?

These and probably several other questions in the same vein will help you get a better sense of what's going on. The thing is, your history with orgasm is somewhat limited at this point so it's not necessarily the case that thoughts of and/or the practice of bondage or other such fun stuff are always going to be the only path to orgasm for you. Perhaps it is for now and it's a good thing that you've found this path. But don't rule out other paths as well.

To paraphrase Gordon Gekko, "Orgasm is good." Generally speaking, finding one path to orgasm will help you find other pleasurable paths to orgasm. And so what you have now is good so please don't think of it as a limiting factor. Think of it as the first car you learned to drive. That was maybe a Ford Escort with cloth seats and an automatic transmission. Doesn't mean that with some more driving experience you won't someday find great thrill in driving a BMW 330xi with a six-speed manual at balls-out speeds.

 

[cromsgirl]

The thing is, your history with orgasm is somewhat limited at this point so it's not necessarily the case that thoughts of and/or the practice of bondage or other such fun stuff are always going to be the only path to orgasm for you.

And so what you have now is good so please don't think of it as a limiting factor. Think of it as the first car you learned to drive. That was maybe a Ford Escort with cloth seats and an automatic transmission. Doesn't mean that with some more driving experience you won't someday find great thrill in driving a BMW 330xi with a six-speed manual at balls-out speeds.

Exactly. I masturbated frequently from an early age, but I think I had been sexually active for 3 or 4 years before I had my first orgasm from sex. And it definitely involved clitoral stimulation. Even now, over 20 years later, I still rarely come without clitoral stimulation. I do occasionally because I've been with my husband for almost 15 years now, and you really learn someone's body in that length of time. And how well do you know your own body? That is a very important question too. We have only been into BDSM for a few years, but we've always liked to pull hair and bite.

Often I will enjoy sex, but not come and will masturbate to orgasm while my husband recovers from his. My advice is relax and enjoy what you can and if vaginal intercourse even with clitoral stimulation doesn't work, try something else. As time progresses try adding different things and see if they add to the experience.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thanks for the replies, all. So, I'm 30 years old, and I've only been with one person (in "real life"). And no, I've never had an orgasm at all with anybody else, in real life or in the virtual world. I THINK I feel safe, comfortable, and whatnot with my partner. I get turned on really easily, and it feels incredible... I just don't climax. Or even build to one. My partner is very experienced and creative sexually... we just haven't tried bondage yet. Now there IS a possibility that the medications I'm on are impeding my progress somewhat, but there hasn't been the necessary research on those particular drugs, apparently. I just used to be able to orgasm a lot more easily (still probably always fantasizing about BDSM, though). I guess I'm just wondering if because I always fantasize about BDSM, I'll only be able to orgasm in similar circumstances...

This is very possible. I have had this happen.

When they're trying to save your life, orgasms don't seem like they should be important-- at least, to the doctors!