Why You're Not Married

[JackLuis]

Or, if you are why you aren't happy.

You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

Six bunnies, is it were.

But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.

Now we need a list for men.

 

[Pure]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

 

[stephen55]

Now we need a list for men.

1) Having you ask your parents to leave the TV room, so we can make out...a sure sign that you can't let go.

 

[JackLuis]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

Thank you Pure. I must have slipped up?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Best comment;

Needing two incomes to be economically secure is normal and promotes marital stability because both members of the marriage need each other to thrive. Economic partnerships encourage peace and harmony because you never take the other person for granted or view them as a leech on you...

Having one spouse carry the economic load by themselves is fricken weird. And no kidding it makes for unhappy/unstable relationships. Grownups aren't happy if they aren't contributing meaningfully...

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Best comment;

The devil is in the "meaningfully" . . .

 

[Guest]

6 redneck reasons

delete

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Best comment;

So glad to know that raising my kids and writing isn't contributing "meaningfully"

 

[Stella_Omega]

So glad to know that raising my kids and writing isn't contributing "meaningfully"

Not from a man's point of view-- at least, according to that comment.

My feeling is that, if the article's author is right, women should be marrying each other, not men.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

My feeling is that if the only men that woman runs into are the type who don't consider raising children and writing 'meaningful', she needs to consider a different selection of men!

Not that there's anything wrong with cash, too . . .

 

[Stella_Omega]

My feeling is that if the only men that woman runs into are the type who don't consider raising children and writing 'meaningful', she needs to consider a different selection of men!

Not that there's anything wrong with cash, too . . .

1) Woman runs into many men who don't want to raise children, are horrified when she speaks her mind, want her to function as a security blanket for their fears but are incapable of functioning in the same way for her in other words-- lousy longterm marriage material.

2) Woman runs into many women who DO want to raise children, who have their own minds to speak as well, who can offer as well as recieve reassurance and security.= excellent life mates.

Just.. .yanno, something to think about.

 

[3113]

So glad to know that raising my kids and writing isn't contributing "meaningfully"

Oh, I dunno. If I had kids I'd find it very meaningful if someone else raised them for me..... So your husband isn't helping you raise the kids? Bummer.

And writing is never considered meaningful unless you're Stephen King or Shakespeare. Trust me on this. Even when you've got a novel out on the shelf, the fact that you create your own work schedule rather than going to a 9-5 job, that you don't get a regular paycheck and seem to spend all your time tapping at a keyboard making up stories will be considered meaningless and frivolous by 99% of society.

Just the way it is. Even though we've got most of the world in our grip and under our spell, only a small percentage is consciously aware of how powerful and meaningful writers really are....

 

[Guest]

Serious Thought

delete

 

[3113]

My simple answer is why? Why would I want to be married at this point of my life?

Um, there was an article from the newspaper attached--Jack forgot it, but Pure gave the link, did you read it?

This essay wasn't addressing anyone who doesn't want to get married. It was talking to women who want--really, really, REALLY want to get married by are still single and are wondering "Why am I not married yet?"

So, if you don't want to get married, have no intention of getting married, aren't trying to get married and aren't even wondering why you're not married...then you have no need to defend yourself The essay wasn't taking you to task for being single, it was taking women who want to be married and are complaining about the fact that they're not to task.

 

[Guest]

just felt bad

delete

 

[Stella_Omega]

, I decided to respond in kind from a male perspective. Simple statement, if you aren't married by this age in the game, it's probably because of a tragedy, for which I'm sorry; or deep down, you don't want to be.

This is, indeed, a male perspective.

And again, I say; most women would be far better off marrying other women.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

This is, indeed, a male perspective.

And again, I say; most women would be far better off marrying other women.

Or possibly forming pods with the occasional highly domestic male?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Or possibly forming pods with the occasional highly domestic male?

yes indeed! Or forming pods into which undomesticated males are invited once in a while-- and turned back out again.

Always assuming, of course, that the writer's viewpoint is legitimate.

And child-raising changes everything.

 

[sunandshadow]

Guess I'd be considered shallow and selfish according to this article then, and the selfish part purely because I want to be a stay at home mom.

 

[Boxlicker101]

This is, indeed, a male perspective.

And again, I say; most women would be far better off marrying other women.

You might well be right. At the same time, most men would be better off marrying other men. They usually have more in common with other men than with women.

ETA: In my personal opinion, the reason most people who want to get married and have not done so is they have never found somebody they want to marry who also wants to marry them.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You might well be right. At the same time, most men would be better off marrying other men. They usually have more in common with other men than with women.

including, quite often, raging cases of homophobia whic would make marriage problematic between straight men... but then, we're so redefinging "marriage" by postulating this way, that homophobia is hardly an issue!

ETA: In my personal opinion, the reason most people who want to get married and have not done so is they have never found somebody they want to marry who also wants to marry them.

absolutely this.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

Oh, I dunno. If I had kids I'd find it very meaningful if someone else raised them for me..... So your husband isn't helping you raise the kids? Bummer.

And writing is never considered meaningful unless you're Stephen King or Shakespeare. Trust me on this. Even when you've got a novel out on the shelf, the fact that you create your own work schedule rather than going to a 9-5 job, that you don't get a regular paycheck and seem to spend all your time tapping at a keyboard making up stories will be considered meaningless and frivolous by 99% of society.

Just the way it is. Even though we've got most of the world in our grip and under our spell, only a small percentage is consciously aware of how powerful and meaningful writers really are....

My husband works 12-15 hours a day, so while he is a great dad...we would both defend that I am the alpha parent. He doesn't work for the company he chose to because he has to, but rather because he loves what he does. But the trade-offs that came with it (namely the long hours..there are weeks when he doesn't see our daughter awake for days on end because she wakes up after he leaves and has fallen asleep before he gets home, coupled with the sort of pay one would hope to earn for those sorts of hours, and the cost of child care) meant that my working in a more traditional job wasn't the right choice for our family.

If 99% think that what I do is frivolous, then at least 1% will appreciate it. As long as my partner (and my editor) are part of that 1%, I'm happy.

Working outside the home is a trade-off. When we lived in the US, I was a teacher, and I made just over 4k a month after taxes. A full-time nanny/appropriate care facility in our state ran close to 3k (I lived near Boston...and recent articles have confirmed that they have the most expensive child care in the country...lucky us). Did it make sense for me to spend all day with other people's kids to give 75% of my take-home pay to another person to spend the day with my kid? Maybe if I'd loved teaching as much as I love writing...but I didn't. Maybe if my partner made less money and that 12k a year would help pay the mortgage...but it didn't.

We are fortunate enough that my work for pay as a teacher was a welcome but unnecessary contribution to our family's fiscal health.

It's not the reality for most families, and I see cousins of mine who choose to stay at home and not have college funds or retirement funds or whatever else they choose to sacrifice...and I question the value of their choice. My mom worked my whole life, and while there are things where I could have perhaps done better if I'd had a stay at home parent...the reality is that it wasn't the parent not at home that would have made a difference, rather socio-economic standing that would have.

The truth is that when my children are older I plan to go back and get a doctorate and return to work as my youngest enters full-time school, as well as continue writing (with hopes that each year will see a slightly bigger tax declaration on my part).

But if a person doesn't respect their partner for staying home with kids (assuming it's a healthy choice for the family)...then perhaps that person isn't worthy of being kept around.

 

[Guest]

on topic

delete

 

[vrosej10]

I am lucky. Hubby retired before we met and we both cared for our son till he was school age and I went back and am finishing my education. We are as close to a perfect match as humanly possible. I like women sexually but living with one might be a trick for me.

 

[AllardChardon]

I was married unhappily to a sexually-repressed Italian Catholic with fear of intimacy. We managed to have children, thanks to my aggressive nature. We were separated for many years. He passed away from brain cancer last May at 54 years of age. So, now I am a widow and not looking to get married, again.