Red flags, bells, whistles, and i don't give a shit!

[Kajira Callista]

On the edge is where I am mostly these days. Walking right on that line...dipping the toes over on more than one occasion.
Not knowing what is coming next and knowing I will not say no even though the person directing me is inexperienced and has a bunch of worry/self doubt/ not sure he should be doing this kinda stuff going on in his head right now ( am I actually dominating myself?).
I am in danger emotionally and physically every time we engage in play...hell every time i am in his presence...and guess what? I don't give a shit... I don't care what happens or doesn't.
It is hot as hell to me to be walking this line and I hope it doesn't end...unless it ends badly and as long as i'm outta here smiling big it's cool. lol
I read all the time about safety being first and how dangerous so many things are and today I feel like if i didn't spend all my time making sure someone was safe i would have been content a whole lot sooner.
I dont know how much sense i am making but does anyone feel there are too many henny pennys lurking around bdsm boards and that their posts of doom are harmful in some odd way?
Does anyone think that something is wrong with putting yourself in a dangerous relationship because it is hot?
Isn't that what *this* is all about?

 

[catalina_francisco]

I think there are some who seem to jump on safety first for everything and anything, ten unnecessarily, but I think it is also worth considering attimes, especially when you are a parent and have children to consider if you are no longer here due to momentary pleasure which goes too far.

Catalina

 

[Keroin]

I'm a big fan of risk taking. I am an equally big fan of *calculated* risk taking.

All the death-defying stunts I ever did in my life started with tons of preparation, safety discussions and rehearsals. That didn't diminish the thrill, on the day. Not one bit. There was always the chance that things could go wrong, sometimes fatally, but mitigating the risks is what allowed me to have a long satisfying career instead of ending up paralyzed or dead.

Excitement and safety need not be mutually exclusive.

 

[callinectes2]

KC, don't you have minor children? IMNSHO opinion there is something very wrong with knowingly putting yourself in a dangerous situation when you have small humans that need and depend on you for their well being.

 

[JMohegan]

I am in danger emotionally and physically every time we engage in play...hell every time i am in his presence...and guess what? I don't give a shit... I don't care what happens or doesn't.

On the scale of broken arm to death by asphyxiation (or whatever)... and the scale of broken heart to psych ward.... just how much physical and emotional danger are you talking about here?

 

[Stella_Omega]

On the scale of broken arm to death by asphyxiation (or whatever)... and the scale of broken heart to psych ward.... just how much physical and emotional danger are you talking about here?

this is my question as well.

a rash, or welts, or even lost skin, from a flogging is okay with me. A detached bladder from rough sex-- that was probably a little more trouble than it was worth.

 

[Kajira Callista]

On the scale of broken arm to death by asphyxiation (or whatever)... and the scale of broken heart to psych ward.... just how much physical and emotional danger are you talking about here?

I don't think the psych ward would want me lol. I do mean that anyone engaged in bdsm is taking a huge risk..**** for me is pushing that risk a little more.

 

[JMohegan]

I don't think the psych ward would want me lol. I do mean that anyone engaged in bdsm is taking a huge risk..**** for me is pushing that risk a little more.

You're ducking my question.

Huge? What, specifically, are you risking here?

 

[rida]

None of the PYL(s) I play with wants to put me in then hospital or purposely damage me in any way, be it physical or mental or emotional.

But the risks are there: because you never know how things will go; because sometime we try new things (for them or me or both), and no matter what, reactions are never a sure thing.

To me it goes back to: do you trust his/her/their intentions (and your judgment on them). I do.

And, of course, I try to stay on top of things and if I know in advance what will happen, I read up as much as I can on what could go wrong and how to deal with it. (I always pack first aid stuff and my insurance info and know where the closer hospital is, and work out the "what if" in my mind.)

Whether I have a safeword or not, I know that if I were to point out any serious problem the PYL(s) I play with will stop and fix it. It is all the safety I need.

 

[Kajira Callista]

You're ducking my question.

Huge? What, specifically, are you risking here?

I'm risking harm physically because he is new at this.
I dont know if i trust him fully
I sometimes get the utoh feeling and ignore it.
I'm risking my reputation in a tiny little community.
I don't care how far this goes or how dangerous it can be. I'm used to someone with experience telling me when it is enough for my head heart and body because they know better. I don't know that he does... and i know i wont say stop.
(is this making any sense yet?)

 

[JMohegan]

I'm risking harm physically because he is new at this.
I dont know if i trust him fully
I sometimes get the utoh feeling and ignore it.
I'm risking my reputation in a tiny little community.
I don't care how far this goes or how dangerous it can be. I'm used to someone with experience telling me when it is enough for my head heart and body because they know better. I don't know that he does... and i know i wont say stop.
(is this making any sense yet?)

You're making sense, yes. I get the concept, but I still don't have a clear idea of what he's doing. BDSM covers a lot of ground, after all!

Risking harm to your reputation is specific. Risking harm physically is awfully broad.

What kind of stuff is he into?

 

[Stella_Omega]

"you could put an eye out with that thing, kid."

 

[eastern sun]

I read all the time about safety being first and how dangerous so many things are and today I feel like if i didn't spend all my time making sure someone was safe i would have been content a whole lot sooner.
I dont know how much sense i am making but does anyone feel there are too many henny pennys lurking around bdsm boards and that their posts of doom are harmful in some odd way?
Does anyone think that something is wrong with putting yourself in a dangerous relationship because it is hot?
Isn't that what *this* is all about?

I'm going to take a risk and agree with you. That the risk and the danger is exactly what *this* is all about. It is for me, anyway.

But I'm also going to counter that risk by saying, for the very same reason, it is imperative that we keep our heads clear when we're making choices. This same drive has been a self-destructive force in my life, when my mind - and especially my intentions - weren't crystal clear.

The great mitigating factor in our relationship is the presence of our children. We've even gone so far in discussions of "what if" to develop contingency plans that make sure he'll be around if something happens to me. It's a sobering conversation, to say the least.

On the other hand, if you're genuinely aware of the risk and the fault lines, and take full responsibility for the consequences of your choices, dancing on the edge is an incredibly hot experience. Being in that state of hyper-awareness laced with sexual tension and arousal can be pretty intoxicating.

The question you have to ask yourself is "how much are you willing to lose?"

(And you can't blame his inexperience, it's your own choice to put yourself in his hands.)

If you aren't taking full responsibility for your choices today and tailoring your actions to reflect those choices, then you should play it safe by default. Once you take responsibility for the risk on yourself, you have to be able to live comfortably with the consequences - good or bad - for the rest of your unknown future.

 

[intothewoods]

I'm risking harm physically because he is new at this.
I dont know if i trust him fully
I sometimes get the utoh feeling and ignore it.I'm risking my reputation in a tiny little community.
I don't care how far this goes or how dangerous it can be. I'm used to someone with experience telling me when it is enough for my head heart and body because they know better. I don't know that he does... and i know i wont say stop.
(is this making any sense yet?)

You're not ignoring it. You do care. You're posting here about it, aren't you?

easternsun has posted a lot about the desire for danger and chaos and how that's played out in terms of her kids and other responsibilities in her life. I hope she weighs in. ETA - oops, she posted while I was writing this...

Actually, I think many of us can relate to the desire for danger and the thrill of risk. When you're caught in that feeling, and you sound like you're deep in it, it's tough to pull back and just take a moment.

If we're just talking about a newbie who might hit you in the wrong place, is it that hard to say, hey, let's have a quick talk about spots to avoid. Or whatever. If we're talking about someone who is into pushing you to do really risky stuff - like stuff that may risk your kids, your job, your life, time to take a step back.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I don´t know your situation, but when you talk about risking your reputation, I think it´s important to consider what effect your choices could have on others, like children and other family.

Life without risk is impossible and I don´t think it´s something we should strive for.
Making educated choices about which risks to take and how to mitigate those risks, with a clear head, on the other hand, is definitely something to strive for, in my opinion.

 

[chy_girl]

I'm risking harm physically because he is new at this.
I dont know if i trust him fully
I sometimes get the utoh feeling and ignore it.
I'm risking my reputation in a tiny little community.
I don't care how far this goes or how dangerous it can be. I'm used to someone with experience telling me when it is enough for my head heart and body because they know better. I don't know that he does... and i know i wont say stop.
(is this making any sense yet?)

I get that. I get that because I am currently on a very slow collision course with reality in an effort to make my outside match my inside - to make the pain manifest itself through my body rather than my heart. It's a damned dangerous game for a heavy bottom and someone who really, really, really can't tell when enough is enough after a few hits of the flogger or a few swipes of fire.

There's a difference though. I have people around me who know me and, when it comes down to it, will do their best to prevent to guide me away from that which is truly dangerous. I'm currently scaring a few, but it's a path I need to walk down. Thankfully, it's not one I need to walk down in alone.

And I agree with Keroin. A carefully calculated mitigation of the dangers and risks doesn't mean that it takes all the risks away. It simply means that you're more likely to be able to do it again tomorrow.

It's awfully hard to get recover from dead. And you can't enjoy pretty souvenirs that might be left over from play.

 

[catalina_francisco]

KC, just take a moment to look at where you have come from, what heartache and pain you had to endure for a long time, and how hard you have worked to drag yourself out of that to a place where as a single mother you felt you could offer your children a better future, with you in it. All that being said, though you do sometimes post as if you do not care, you do have a brain in your head which you use well....so if you are at a point where you do not truly care and have chosen not to use that brain which has served you well in the past, perhaps you need to talk with us, or someone, about why you are feeling dare I say, possibly self destructive with no thought to your children who have always been the most important part of your life. If you are just out for some Lit sport, than more power to you.

Catalina

 

[Kajira Callista]

You're making sense, yes. I get the concept, but I still don't have a clear idea of what he's doing. BDSM covers a lot of ground, after all!

Risking harm to your reputation is specific. Risking harm physically is awfully broad.

What kind of stuff is he into?

He is new and I dont think he really knows what he is into. I can tell you what i think he likes best.
Humiliation
Pain of just about any kind...inflicting and watching the responses. He seems to like most the ouch thats bad to ahh i like that lots daddy thing i do very often especially if the pain is unexpected.
ControlControlControl
Being a daddy to grown up me.
Being a daddy to baby girl me.
Seeing if he can get me to say no to something
Sharing me (where reputation in the community comes into play)
Mind fucks
There is more but the list will get long and i will stop making sense again lol
He is also in great physical shape and lifts weights etc. He can and has hurt me pretty badly. Nothing broken but tears in my eyes and bruising for a long time.
I dont really care 'bout that stuff nd he really is just learning to gauge what i good and what is not so i think that is what brought on this thread.


I am not meaning to overlook anyone in this thread but i do want to let you know I am aware of the risk I am taking and i am pretty sure that if i thought something was going to kill me i would ask for him to stop because my family does need me... not because i would want him to.

 

[JMohegan]

Thanks for clarifying, KC. That puts things in perspective.

I'm heading out, but will address your questions in the opening post later on.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

KC, darlin' darlin' girl,

We've discussed your situation with him before, but not in extreme depth and not to this level of detail. You know the areas in which I feel you need to set limits on, and the things of which I approve in this relationship.

Overall, however, I think your innate sense of motherhood and your deep and abiding love and concern for the monst... kids will keep you reasonably safe and sane with him. Well, that and the fact that you have previously expressed to me *his* concern over "going too far" and his affirmative response to any limits you've expressed.

As always, you know my e-mail addresses, where my PM box is, and my phone number, and you - and/or he - are welcome to contact me via any of them.

 

[JMohegan]

I read all the time about safety being first and how dangerous so many things are and today I feel like if i didn't spend all my time making sure someone was safe i would have been content a whole lot sooner.
I dont know how much sense i am making but does anyone feel there are too many henny pennys lurking around bdsm boards and that their posts of doom are harmful in some odd way?

Some of the safety tips here, pertaining to the details of specific activities, are very helpful. However, I do agree that many of the discussions seem, well, unrealistic.

I get off on control, and the ability to induce all kinds of physical and emotional reactions - including erotic fear. (Which, I agree, is exceedingly hot.) So for me, spontaneity, creativity, and unpredictability are very powerful tools.

Checklists? Not. Just the idea of them is bizarre in my book.

But.... if I were into casual play with non-partners, or even just a guy who's really not so much of a control freak/sadist, I'm sure I'd find the checklist culture very helpful.

The problem with message boards is that it can be tough to carve out discussions by proclivity or context. Some people throw around the idiotic "This Thing That We Do" generalization, but the truth is that there's a wide range of orientations and experiences here, with everybody jumping in all at once on the various threads.

Does anyone think that something is wrong with putting yourself in a dangerous relationship because it is hot?

Depends what you mean by "dangerous," which is why I asked. As far as I can tell from what you've written, my answer with regard that level of danger is no. But of course, that's really your call.

I agree with Eastern Sun. My answer is no, with the clear caveat she expressed.

 

[rida]

*snip*
I am not meaning to overlook anyone in this thread but i do want to let you know I am aware of the risk I am taking and i am pretty sure that if i thought something was going to kill me i would ask for him to stop because my family does need me... not because i would want him to.

Than don't see anything wrong.
Enjoy your relationship!


ETA: to expand on the part where you mention that he likes the "OMFG it hurts!" with real tears and real bruises at the end ... isn't that the way a Sadistic PYL enjoys himself and uses a pyl?

 

[Kajira Callista]

Than don't see anything wrong.
Enjoy your relationship!


ETA: to expand on the part where you mention that he likes the "OMFG it hurts!" with real tears and real bruises at the end ... isn't that the way a Sadistic PYL enjoys himself and uses a pyl?

Yes, and he is new at all of this and it goes against all he was taught his whole life and it is hot to him. Watching him realize how much he likes it is just another hot button to me as well.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Some of the safety tips here, pertaining to the details of specific activities, are very helpful. However, I do agree that many of the discussions seem, well, unrealistic.

I get off on control, and the ability to induce all kinds of physical and emotional reactions - including erotic fear. (Which, I agree, is exceedingly hot.) So for me, spontaneity, creativity, and unpredictability are very powerful tools.

Checklists? Not. Just the idea of them is bizarre in my book.

But.... if I were into casual play with non-partners, or even just a guy who's really not so much of a control freak/sadist, I'm sure I'd find the checklist culture very helpful.

The problem with message boards is that it can be tough to carve out discussions by proclivity or context. Some people throw around the idiotic "This Thing That We Do" generalization, but the truth is that there's a wide range of orientations and experiences here, with everybody jumping in all at once on the various threads.

Depends what you mean by "dangerous," which is why I asked. As far as I can tell from what you've written, my answer with regard that level of danger is no. But of course, that's really your call.

I agree with Eastern Sun. My answer is no, with the clear caveat she expressed.

TY Mr. M

 

[Kajira Callista]

KC, darlin' darlin' girl,

We've discussed your situation with him before, but not in extreme depth and not to this level of detail. You know the areas in which I feel you need to set limits on, and the things of which I approve in this relationship.

Overall, however, I think your innate sense of motherhood and your deep and abiding love and concern for the monst... kids will keep you reasonably safe and sane with him. Well, that and the fact that you have previously expressed to me *his* concern over "going too far" and his affirmative response to any limits you've expressed.

As always, you know my e-mail addresses, where my PM box is, and my phone number, and you - and/or he - are welcome to contact me via any of them.

You better than most know how deep i get *in* without really thinking.
I think my problem may just be that I am usually able to let go and dive in because i know the dominant one will in a sense protect me from myself. I don't know that this one understands that or would react the same as someone who knows their shit. I think you saw this when i started to text you to let you know i was still alive. I love you for being my "am i still OK?" check in person and I am glad to see that a few other here see that sometimes we just need someone who dove in deep to say...hey your still good lol