Control

[vintage63]

I have a question I would like to have peoples opinions on.

I have been reading quite a bit here and naturally D/s or BDSM is quite different between people. I am curious to know how people define Control in their relationship.

I think control can be physical but also how my Master inspires me. Without asking I do things, think about things, get inspired. For me that is the big control.

What do others thinks?

cheers

 

[JMohegan]

I have a question I would like to have peoples opinions on.

I have been reading quite a bit here and naturally D/s or BDSM is quite different between people. I am curious to know how people define Control in their relationship.

I think control can be physical but also how my Master inspires me. Without asking I do things, think about things, get inspired. For me that is the big control.

What do others thinks?

cheers

I think the bit in bold holds true for people in committed relationships of all flavors. Even D-types. That's an integral part of a human bond.

I'd say control is defined in those moments when the people in a relationship disagree, or have different preferences for what happens next. The one who decides the outcome is the one in control at that moment.

 

[karma9]

I have a question I would like to have peoples opinions on.

I have been reading quite a bit here and naturally D/s or BDSM is quite different between people. I am curious to know how people define Control in their relationship.

I think control can be physical but also how my Master inspires me. Without asking I do things, think about things, get inspired. For me that is the big control.

What do others thinks?

cheers

Ja, control, that’s what it’s all about in a BDSM-relationship; Having the power to control the sex and finding psychological and physical ways which make the other person powerless, at your disposal.

 

[vintage63]

Ja, control, that’s what it’s all about in a BDSM-relationship; Having the power to control the sex and finding psychological and physical ways which make the other person powerless, at your disposal.

I don't think disposal is the words I want to think of when submitting and exchanging power.

 

[teknight]

Ja, control, that’s what it’s all about in a BDSM-relationship; Having the power to control the sex and finding psychological and physical ways which make the other person powerless, at your disposal.

Umm....that sounds like kidnapping and rape.....and those are not about control.

 

[lovebound]

Ja, control, that’s what it’s all about in a BDSM-relationship; Having the power to control the sex and finding psychological and physical ways which make the other person powerless, at your disposal.

That is not BDSM. That's rape.

 

[lovebound]

I believe control is the result of the amount of trust you are willing to put in your partner. Control cannot be taken, only given.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I have a question I would like to have peoples opinions on.

I have been reading quite a bit here and naturally D/s or BDSM is quite different between people. I am curious to know how people define Control in their relationship.

I think control can be physical but also how my Master inspires me. Without asking I do things, think about things, get inspired. For me that is the big control.

What do others thinks?

cheers

It can mean a few different things.

He dictates our activities, or has me decide on something.

I make my requests, preferences, fantasies known at any time, he chooses what he does with that information.

I ask for his opinion on something, he lets me know what he finds acceptable, and we negotiate within that range.

Sometimes I don't like the options, choices, demands on the table, but he's in control, and that I need.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

I think Control, what defines it and what is needed to have it, is an individual thing and you'll probably get a lot of answers

For us, most of the control is handed over and he has no need to take it from me. Not that he doesn't do so anyways on occasion In our relationship, control means that he has command of our play and, while I may request, the decisions are his and I have to live with them. Sometimes he uses his control physically, but it mostly is an unspoken or softly spoken control. We rarely are in a situation where we don't have to mind our volume. Heck, this christmas we'll somehow have to be all but SILENT...which will be a trick and a half. I have horrible voice control...

 

[SimonBrooke]

That is not BDSM. That's rape.

Not if the person being controlled and fucked wants to be controlled and fucked, it isn't. My personal sexual practice includes very realistically simulated rape on a willing but, by agreement, extremely resistant 'victim'. It takes considerable force - or violence, if you prefer - to get her secured and to fuck her. We both get off on it.

Are you saying we shouldn't do this? Are you saying that it's immoral? Why?

 

[Ravenwind]

Personally, I know I have little self-control, so for me, it is something I give to my Husband, so that we are both bettered by it... him for having it done, me having my own wants and desires given an external voice for me to listen to.

For the family, it is that I am in the role of 'advisor' while he is in the role of 'executor'- we have an equal voice in household matters, but he has the final say... simply because I do not trust in my math skills enough to keep a balanced budget (as my grandfather once joked about himself, "when I run out of fingers to count on, I use my toes.").

In the bedroom, control is less about "do this" or "be that", and more about mind games... "how much can I make you want me... let's see if I can make you lose control and just take it from me..." sort of thing, for example. Like, if he wants me to lose control, he'll start watching porn in front of me, to which I can't help myself but to give him whatever he wants... if I want him to lose control, in the middle of sex, I'll try to get away from him, making him want to control me more (yet losing control of himself). Between us, control is no longer "a gift given", but rather, "a prize to be taken": we gave full control of ourselves to each other long ago, so we trust each other enough for it to be freely taken... I get off when he robs me of control over myself, and he gets off when I try to take it back, thus making him take more control over me. It works out pretty nicely in its circular logic, I think.

Not if the person being controlled and fucked wants to be controlled and fucked...

QFT.

 

[karma9]

It’s a pity that some posters, driven with fantasies and projections of their own, come to meaningless assumptions without connecting the dots.

The way I see it is that sex is mental in the first place and mutual attraction leads to physical reactions, beginning with hormones that stimulate the sexual organs and this in its turn arouse the sexual appetite. But this sexual appetite is different between males and females, and that’s why male’s and female’s sexuality are opposed to each other. The male is inclined to take and dominate the female; while the female is disposed to be taken and dominated, even dominant females.

How far can domination and control can go in a relationship will depend on the mutual understanding and trust.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Oh lawd.

Why do I get the urge to link Stella and Netz to this thread?

 

[mardin]

It can mean a few different things.

He dictates our activities, or has me decide on something.

I make my requests, preferences, fantasies known at any time, he chooses what he does with that information.

I ask for his opinion on something, he lets me know what he finds acceptable, and we negotiate within that range.

Sometimes I don't like the options, choices, demands on the table, but he's in control, and that I need.

Wow I love the last sentence, reminds me why I so enjoy my girl

 

[lovebound]

Not if the person being controlled and fucked wants to be controlled and fucked, it isn't. My personal sexual practice includes very realistically simulated rape on a willing but, by agreement, extremely resistant 'victim'. It takes considerable force - or violence, if you prefer - to get her secured and to fuck her. We both get off on it.

Are you saying we shouldn't do this? Are you saying that it's immoral? Why?

Ok, so I worded my statement too plainly. I don't think there is anything wrong or immoral about using control to simulate rape as long as it's consensual. Actually it would be pretty enjoyable. If the control is taken and used without consent, that's immoral.

 

[teknight]

Not if the person being controlled and fucked wants to be controlled and fucked, it isn't. My personal sexual practice includes very realistically simulated rape on a willing but, by agreement, extremely resistant 'victim'. It takes considerable force - or violence, if you prefer - to get her secured and to fuck her. We both get off on it.

Are you saying we shouldn't do this? Are you saying that it's immoral? Why?

No. However, karma' s definition was lacking the mutual consent part. Simply controlling someone else and deciding when they have sex...yeah, if you leave it at that, then it is rape.

And you wanna talk about the morality of simulated rape? OK.
The only problem with simulated rape is that it might be perceived as condoning real rape. I mean, if some people like to be raped, and if some can openly discuss consensual rape fantasies, then, that might be taken as a signal that rape is OK. However, I don't mean in any way, shape or form that you are personally responsible for the actions of any rapist, and my previous statement comes with too many "ifs" and "maybes" to be a strong rebuttal to your fantasies. I am not saying you're not entitled to your fantasies and to acting them out with consenting adults. But I feel that any statement that condones rape (which you have not made, since you've made the consensual part explicit) should be rejected outright as morally wrong. Does that sound fair?

It’s a pity that some posters, driven with fantasies and projections of their own, come to meaningless assumptions without connecting the dots.

The male is inclined to take and dominate the female; while the female is disposed to be taken and dominated, even dominant females.

How far can domination and control can go in a relationship will depend on the mutual understanding and trust.

Hey, jackass: here's a little fact: You've recently started posting, which means that we don't know you. I hate to pull the "you're a newb" routine on you, but, it does mean that we don't know what makes you tick.
What's more, you don't know us. So, your statement about our fantasies and projections is utter BS, because, you're making an assumption, with very little information. I choose not to assume shit, and connect dots that I don't know to be connected (since I don't know you), or at least, I try to say so if I'm making an assumption that might not be true. Maybe you ought to learn to express yourself better before you dole out your unnecessary and condescending pity?

Your first statement, which lacked any mention of consent, can be read as rape. I'm sorry that those that are into "play rape" got offended, but, even for them it's PLAY RAPE. It's simulated, it's a sham. Your definition lacked all of that.

As for your blanket statements about male and female sexuality. Bwahahahaha. I'm laughing 'cause they're so absolute, but, hey, more power to you.

Ok, so I worded my statement too plainly. I don't think there is anything wrong or immoral about using control to simulate rape as long as it's consensual. Actually it would be pretty enjoyable. If the control is taken and used without consent, that's immoral.

QFT!!

 

[karma9]

Cunt, the fact that you began your post with name calling says a lot about your lake of intelligence and creativity. Furthermore I’m not interested in wasting my time on an ignorant and arrogant slut like yourself. So for my part scream your heart out, to my delight

No. However, karma' s definition was lacking the mutual consent part. Simply controlling someone else and deciding when they have sex...yeah, if you leave it at that, then it is rape.

And you wanna talk about the morality of simulated rape? OK.
The only problem with simulated rape is that it might be perceived as condoning real rape. I mean, if some people like to be raped, and if some can openly discuss consensual rape fantasies, then, that might be taken as a signal that rape is OK. However, I don't mean in any way, shape or form that you are personally responsible for the actions of any rapist, and my previous statement comes with too many "ifs" and "maybes" to be a strong rebuttal to your fantasies. I am not saying you're not entitled to your fantasies and to acting them out with consenting adults. But I feel that any statement that condones rape (which you have not made, since you've made the consensual part explicit) should be rejected outright as morally wrong. Does that sound fair?


Hey, jackass: here's a little fact: You've recently started posting, which means that we don't know you. I hate to pull the "you're a newb" routine on you, but, it does mean that we don't know what makes you tick.
What's more, you don't know us. So, your statement about our fantasies and projections is utter BS, because, you're making an assumption, with very little information. I choose not to assume shit, and connect dots that I don't know to be connected (since I don't know you), or at least, I try to say so if I'm making an assumption that might not be true. Maybe you ought to learn to express yourself better before you dole out your unnecessary and condescending pity?

Your first statement, which lacked any mention of consent, can be read as rape. I'm sorry that those that are into "play rape" got offended, but, even for them it's PLAY RAPE. It's simulated, it's a sham. Your definition lacked all of that.

As for your blanket statements about male and female sexuality. Bwahahahaha. I'm laughing 'cause they're so absolute, but, hey, more power to you.


QFT!!

 

[teknight]

Cunt, the fact that you began your post with name calling says a lot about your lake of intelligence and creativity. Furthermore I’m not interested in wasting my time on an ignorant and arrogant slut like yourself. So for my part scream your heart out, to my delight

Little does he know that I get off on being called names.
I apologize for the name calling (although, I'd still claim that your behavior in the other thread still warrants it), but do learn to express yourself better and I'll have no qualms with you. Yup, I am arrogant. I want clarity in communication.
</threadjack>

 

[teknight]

Little does he know that I get off on being called names.
I apologize for the name calling (although, I'd still claim that your behavior in the other thread still warrants it), but do learn to express yourself better and I'll have no qualms with you. Yup, I am arrogant. I want clarity in communication.
</threadjack>

On to a serious tangent, however, regarding the OP's question:
Control is not a result of belittling others or putting them down, much as the play dynamic might exhibit a lot of that.

 

[00Syd]

But this sexual appetite is different between males and females, and that’s why male’s and female’s sexuality are opposed to each other. The male is inclined to take and dominate the female; while the female is disposed to be taken and dominated, even dominant females.

Bahahahahahahahaha!

*breath*

HAHAHAHA!

Ha.

Yeah. Wrong.

 

[teknight]

Bahahahahahahahaha!

*breath*

HAHAHAHA!

Ha.

Yeah. Wrong.

Exactly what a woman, (in obvious denial) would say.
But I've said the exact same thing...so I guess I'm a woman...in denial. EEK! I did not know that about myself.

Well put, syd.

 

[00Syd]

Exactly what a woman, (in obvious denial) would say.
But I've said the exact same thing...so I guess I'm a woman...in denial. EEK! I did not know that about myself.

Well put, syd.

I know, I have such a way with words

 

[rosco rathbone]

con-tro-ol...con-tro-ol

Sorry, Janet Jackson moment.

 

[SimonBrooke]

And you wanna talk about the morality of simulated rape? OK.
The only problem with simulated rape is that it might be perceived as condoning real rape.

Yes, actually, that's true. Uncomfortable, but true. This relates to our recent discussion about the difference between real and play slavery. Playing rape games risks normalising rape just as playing war-games risks normalising war. So I'm not absolutely comfortable with my interest in rape games any more than I'm comfortable with my interest in sadism. But I know from experience that if I don't express my sadism I am unable to be completely myself.

You're right, there are real (and, for me, difficult) issues here.

 

[SimonBrooke]

Control is not a result of belittling others or putting them down, much as the play dynamic might exhibit a lot of that.

Quoted for truth.

I want to build the people I play with up, increase their self confidence and their sense of self worth. If the only way someone can dominate is by putting others down, it doesn't say much for them.