Pain- responses and limits

[gda2511]

I'm in a relationship where we both have sub/ Dom fantasies (I'm the sub), but neither of us have done it before. I was quite happy with how things have been going, but he doesn't seem to be, and I'm not sure how to fix it.

The problem is with the infliction of pain, or probably more likely, my response to pain. When we first started doing this I had a vague idea that I wanted to be tied up, and it took actually being tied up to realise that I might like the idea of mild pain, and asked him to try it. I've placed my limit at the point where the endorphin response almost immediately overwhelms any actual pain I'm experiencing, because that's what feels good for me, and I'm not sure if any more would feel better (it's never gotten to the point where he's caused any bruising, let alone anything else. I have a bit of a breaking-of-the-skin phobia so I'm pretty sure I don't want to go that far). I'm very stoic about it- I guess it comes from when my parents hit/ belted me when I was a kid and they'd get pissed if I cried or showed any emotion, so I expected it would be the same when he's "Sir". He's not happy with my lack of reaction (he knows when we accidentally did something painful during vanilla sex that hearing me in pain gets that part of him off- although he feels guilty about it outside of the Dom context), but I'm not sure how to fix it- whether I should widen my boundaries so I actually *am* in pain and need to respond as such, or whether I should just pretend to be in pain (and if so, how? I'm a really crappy actor)?

It's gotten to the point where he doesn't really want to do this sort of thing anymore (or at least not as much as I do), even though it's something we both said and say that we want, because I respond in the wrong way. I want to make him happy, and am willing to at least experiment with doing things I'm not comfortable with (we have a safe word and I know he cares about my wellbeing, so I'm not worried about safety).

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I'm in a relationship where we both have sub/ Dom fantasies (I'm the sub), but neither of us have done it before. I was quite happy with how things have been going, but he doesn't seem to be, and I'm not sure how to fix it.

The problem is with the infliction of pain, or probably more likely, my response to pain. When we first started doing this I had a vague idea that I wanted to be tied up, and it took actually being tied up to realise that I might like the idea of mild pain, and asked him to try it. I've placed my limit at the point where the endorphin response almost immediately overwhelms any actual pain I'm experiencing, because that's what feels good for me, and I'm not sure if any more would feel better (it's never gotten to the point where he's caused any bruising, let alone anything else. I have a bit of a breaking-of-the-skin phobia so I'm pretty sure I don't want to go that far). I'm very stoic about it- I guess it comes from when my parents hit/ belted me when I was a kid and they'd get pissed if I cried or showed any emotion, so I expected it would be the same when he's "Sir". He's not happy with my lack of reaction (he knows when we accidentally did something painful during vanilla sex that hearing me in pain gets that part of him off- although he feels guilty about it outside of the Dom context), but I'm not sure how to fix it- whether I should widen my boundaries so I actually *am* in pain and need to respond as such, or whether I should just pretend to be in pain (and if so, how? I'm a really crappy actor)?

It's gotten to the point where he doesn't really want to do this sort of thing anymore (or at least not as much as I do), even though it's something we both said and say that we want, because I respond in the wrong way. I want to make him happy, and am willing to at least experiment with doing things I'm not comfortable with (we have a safe word and I know he cares about my wellbeing, so I'm not worried about safety).

There's no such thing as the 'wrong' way to react to pain.

There's no need to act anything either.. would you fake an orgasm to make him happy? It's much the same.

Can you verbalise how it feels for you? Even if it's not the 'standard' responses of crying, whimpering, etc.. can you at least tell him it feels good and to keep going?

 

[gda2511]

Thanks for this. What you say makes a lot of sense. I think part of the problem is that he really likes the idea (in theory) of non-consent/ reluctance, and while I like the idea a little, it's even more in theory (he gets off on non-consent porn, which makes me uncomfortable, I can get off very selectively on some non-consent erotica if it's not in too much detail sort of thing). He wants to play this stuff out, and to do that I need to be pretending, because although I like (in context) being dominated and called names (which I wouldn't normally tolerate) and having some pain inflicted on me, I'm doing this because I like it, not because it hurts (I realise the two aren't mutually exclusive), whereas he wants to hear (simulated) pain and fear, which really isn't what I'm feeling, which is why I assumed I'd have to act (but no, I wouldn't fake an orgasm, and I can see the parallel).

This is a big enough deal for him that the last couple of times, when I've said very little when he's been spanking me (he asks me to count and increases the punishment if I miscount, so I count, but say little else), or responded with pleasure when he's done other things which are potentially painful, it's been amazing foreplay but he hasn't been able to follow through. (We have no problems with vanilla sex) I feel like I'm letting him down, given how much we both want this (and I end up getting most of the pleasure out of it)

 

[roscho]

You have posed an incredibly challenging question.

It would be easy for me to say, establish some hard limits and let him have free reign to go up against that limit in a "non-con" way, but that's easier said than done.
As far as pain threshold goes, I think without fake acting you can work on your expressiveness so that you're verbalizing at an earlier point.

Do all subs share parents that whipped them from a young age? What you said about growing up was my situation exactly.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Not all of us. Not me, anyway. I was only spanked a couple times and the only punishment I ever recieved worse than that was my dad caught me across the face once (lightly. no bad on him. I totally deserved it.)

Honestly, the worst punishment for me was guilt. Not to say my parents intentionally guilt tripped me. It's just really really REALLY easy for me to start feeling really guilty

 

[scraggles]

Being a sub I too was Spanked...as a child probably by todays standards considered 'beaten'....and with my Dom...with highly 'sadistic' needs I cry like a baby as his intensity increases... but have not to this day used my safe word...been close but push thru it...and it works for us.. It does turn me on and gets me so wet too... that during the periods of intense pain he delivers still shocks me at times...and I am not considered a 'pain' slut so my pain tolerance is on the moderate level...but I so want to 'hurt' for his pleasure that I'm learning to focus better past the pain swith his guidance.

 

[slavebitch]

gda2511, I'm in a similar situation to you yet reversed. I'm the submissive, but He is terrified to hit me, despite my begging Him and my high pain tolerance. I would maybe try to let your boyfriend be a little more rough and see how things work out, but if it is too much use your safe word.

Lizzie_Borden, I think it is funny you say that, because I used to fake orgasms to make my ex boyfriend happy.

roscho, I wasn't beaten as a child, that I know of, seeing as I do not remember it, but I was sexually assaulted at 15, though my fantasies of BDSM began much before then. Though you do have an interesting point. Most people I've talked to who are subs have some history of abuse. I wonder why that is.

 

[vintage63]

I envy all of you people with any kind of pain threshold. I wish....
I like a bit of spanking but anything more than a bit and I cry and I hate that I internalize pain so much. I would love to be able to have my Master spank till his hearts content.
Does anyone else wish they could please their Dom/Domme more?

cheers

 

[slavebitch]

I envy all of you people with any kind of pain threshold. I wish....
I like a bit of spanking but anything more than a bit and I cry and I hate that I internalize pain so much. I would love to be able to have my Master spank till his hearts content.
Does anyone else wish they could please their Dom/Domme more?

cheers

Oh, I wish I could be perfect for Him and do everything right. I mean, I try so hard to be, but I alway do something wrong. It's just human nature. But the only reason I have such a high pain tolerance, though, is because I used to cut and burn myself as a coping mechanism.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I envy all of you people with any kind of pain threshold. I wish....
I like a bit of spanking but anything more than a bit and I cry and I hate that I internalize pain so much. I would love to be able to have my Master spank till his hearts content.
Does anyone else wish they could please their Dom/Domme more?

cheers

You don't have to like pain to be submissive.

If it doesn't do anything for you, then it just doesn't.

Oh, I wish I could be perfect for Him and do everything right. I mean, I try so hard to be, but I alway do something wrong. It's just human nature. But the only reason I have such a high pain tolerance, though, is because I used to cut and burn myself as a coping mechanism.

I just like a *lot* of sensation. Strong ones.

 

[SimonBrooke]

I've placed my limit at the point where the endorphin response almost immediately overwhelms any actual pain I'm experiencing, because that's what feels good for me, and I'm not sure if any more would feel better (it's never gotten to the point where he's caused any bruising, let alone anything else. I have a bit of a breaking-of-the-skin phobia so I'm pretty sure I don't want to go that far). I'm very stoic about it- I guess it comes from when my parents hit/ belted me when I was a kid and they'd get pissed if I cried or showed any emotion, so I expected it would be the same when he's "Sir".

Speaking as a sadist, the pleasure one gets from causing pain is not from the causing of pain, it's from the reaction of the victim. If the victim isn't reacting it's both frustrating and boring. You HAVE to give him something back - you have to communicate. Otherwise there's nothing in it for him.

but I'm not sure how to fix it- whether I should widen my boundaries so I actually *am* in pain and need to respond as such, or whether I should just pretend to be in pain (and if so, how? I'm a really crappy actor)?

Widen your boundaries. Try it. It may, of course, not work for (either of) you but you'll neither of you know until you've really tried. Acting does not do it.

There are plenty of ways of inflicting real pain without breaking skin. A riding crop, paddle or tawse will do this; a single-tail whip can do this (although it will break the skin if used hard enough). Other things which inflict pain without blood include nipple clamps, large butt plugs (used carefully!), hot wax, and a number of other devices.

 

[SimonBrooke]

I envy all of you people with any kind of pain threshold. I wish....
I like a bit of spanking but anything more than a bit and I cry and I hate that I internalize pain so much. I would love to be able to have my Master spank till his hearts content.
Does anyone else wish they could please their Dom/Domme more?

cheers

Don't worry about this, for heaven's sake! Someone who loves you doesn't want to cause you real harm or injure you. If he can provoke a big reaction from you from just a little pain that's wonderful! The pleasure in spanking (or any other kind of pain play) is not, for me anyway, in inflicting pain - it's in how my victim reacts. You sound like an incredibly rewarding sub.

 

[switchbitch]

Speaking as a sadist, the pleasure one gets from causing pain is not from the causing of pain, it's from the reaction of the victim. If the victim isn't reacting it's both frustrating and boring. You HAVE to give him something back - you have to communicate. Otherwise there's nothing in it for him.



Widen your boundaries. Try it. It may, of course, not work for (either of) you but you'll neither of you know until you've really tried. Acting does not do it.

There are plenty of ways of inflicting real pain without breaking skin. A riding crop, paddle or tawse will do this; a single-tail whip can do this (although it will break the skin if used hard enough). Other things which inflict pain without blood include nipple clamps, large butt plugs (used carefully!), hot wax, and a number of other devices.

oh I do agree! If I am playing with a submissive and they are not reacting it feels as though they are either bored or suffering in silence and enduring until it's just over. turning a submissive into a whimpering jellied messis far more arousing than simply a quiet, long-suffering doormat. The honest responses can be heightened without intensifying pain merely by using shockand by this I am not referring to electrical play I am referring to contrasts or surprises. For instance if you were in a play scene with a partner in the privacy of your own homethe feeling of your partner tweaking your nipple would feel very different than if they did it in a public place. And your response would be far more intense. It's all about finding the right buttons to pressto get the desired responses.

 

[slavebitch]

oh I do agree! If I am playing with a submissive and they are not reacting it feels as though they are either bored or suffering in silence and enduring until it's just over. turning a submissive into a whimpering jellied messis far more arousing than simply a quiet, long-suffering doormat. The honest responses can be heightened without intensifying pain merely by using shockand by this I am not referring to electrical play I am referring to contrasts or surprises. For instance if you were in a play scene with a partner in the privacy of your own homethe feeling of your partner tweaking your nipple would feel very different than if they did it in a public place. And your response would be far more intense. It's all about finding the right buttons to pressto get the desired responses.

Do you ever find pleasure in telling your sub to shut up at take it?

 

[PaganKinktress]

I very much agree with Lizzie.

You don't have to like pain to be submissive.

If it doesn't do anything for you, then it just doesn't.


I just like a *lot* of sensation. Strong ones.

Engaging in a D/s relationship or exchange does not have to include pain play or beatings. There are many other ways to get one's needs as a Sadist or masochist met.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Speaking as a sadist, the pleasure one gets from causing pain is not from the causing of pain, it's from the reaction of the victim. If the victim isn't reacting it's both frustrating and boring. You HAVE to give him something back - you have to communicate. Otherwise there's nothing in it for him.

Exactly so. Or for her, as the case may be.

Do you ever find pleasure in telling your sub to shut up at take it?

That would be an order I would only give if I thought my bottom would fail at it.

 

[slavebitch]

Exactly so. Or for her, as the case may be.

That would be an order I would only give if I thought my bottom would fail at it.

Well, I definately did, so that may be why He told me to. I couldn't stop wimpering.

 

[Soumis]

Do you ever find pleasure in telling your sub to shut up at take it?

Well, I definately did, so that may be why He told me to. I couldn't stop wimpering.

I can get quiet while scening particularly with someone new, and this is generally a good cure. When I'm told to be quiet it becomes much more difficult do so.

 

[Sweetprey]

Great advice

I think the primary thing most posts are illustrating is that communication is the key. Faking anything in sex is just a cheat, for you and for them, and it will lead into resentment on both ends. I have a terribly high pain tolerance in day to day life-set my own broken bones sort of pain tolerance-yet when I am with my Master he can roughly pull my hair and get a real whimper. It is not just the pain it is also the slight edge of fear, and knowing that my verbalization pleases him. I was also taught not to cry and fuss when in pain, and have a stoic edge to my handling of physical pain. It was actually freeing for me to know I could gasp, whimper or moan and have him respond so positively. We also talked and talked and talked about it. And it was really transformational for me to be able to be "weak" and show pain and show fear. It deepened my sexual response to these stimuli and it has motivated him to play closer to my limits and to be enthusiastic when I do show my want. We thus feed each other with our play, and no one is faking or taking the play to uncomfortable places.

 

[karma9]

I'm in a relationship where we both have sub/ Dom fantasies (I'm the sub), but neither of us have done it before. I was quite happy with how things have been going, but he doesn't seem to be, and I'm not sure how to fix it.

The problem is with the infliction of pain, or probably more likely, my response to pain. When we first started doing this I had a vague idea that I wanted to be tied up, and it took actually being tied up to realise that I might like the idea of mild pain, and asked him to try it. I've placed my limit at the point where the endorphin response almost immediately overwhelms any actual pain I'm experiencing, because that's what feels good for me, and I'm not sure if any more would feel better (it's never gotten to the point where he's caused any bruising, let alone anything else. I have a bit of a breaking-of-the-skin phobia so I'm pretty sure I don't want to go that far). I'm very stoic about it- I guess it comes from when my parents hit/ belted me when I was a kid and they'd get pissed if I cried or showed any emotion, so I expected it would be the same when he's "Sir". He's not happy with my lack of reaction (he knows when we accidentally did something painful during vanilla sex that hearing me in pain gets that part of him off- although he feels guilty about it outside of the Dom context), but I'm not sure how to fix it- whether I should widen my boundaries so I actually *am* in pain and need to respond as such, or whether I should just pretend to be in pain (and if so, how? I'm a really crappy actor)?

It's gotten to the point where he doesn't really want to do this sort of thing anymore (or at least not as much as I do), even though it's something we both said and say that we want, because I respond in the wrong way. I want to make him happy, and am willing to at least experiment with doing things I'm not comfortable with (we have a safe word and I know he cares about my wellbeing, so I'm not worried about safety).

As a dominant male, there is no such BDSM-relation without pain inflicting psychological, emotional and physical pain keeps her controlled, horny and vulnerable like a prey that is running away knowingly at any moment she will be caught, punished and topped.

 

[vintage63]

Don't worry about this, for heaven's sake! Someone who loves you doesn't want to cause you real harm or injure you. If he can provoke a big reaction from you from just a little pain that's wonderful! The pleasure in spanking (or any other kind of pain play) is not, for me anyway, in inflicting pain - it's in how my victim reacts. You sound like an incredibly rewarding sub.

Thank you I work hard at it.

 

[sardoniclaugh]

Curious question for the OP - and other pyts who have a similar difficulty responding to pain in a way that gets your PYT where it needs to be.

Are you similarly reserved expressing pleasure? Are you quiet when you have sex? Would you be louder if you thought of the pain he was inflicting as sex? I know plenty who would grit their teeth and tough it out if they were getting their toes cut off, but who wail and scream and holler at a bit of spanking, because they're reacting to arousal, rather than the pain. Might help.

 

[vintage63]

You don't have to like pain to be submissive.

If it doesn't do anything for you, then it just doesn't.

I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now. I understand what you are saying and to be clear my Master would not hurt me but even if it does not do anything for me, does it matter? I mean that in the sense of doing things to please your Dom/Domme regardless of whether it does something for for the sub. Is that not just how it is sometimes?

cheers

 

[kinkierthanthou]

what turns you (or him) on?

deleted

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I have been thinking about this for a couple of days now. I understand what you are saying and to be clear my Master would not hurt me but even if it does not do anything for me, does it matter? I mean that in the sense of doing things to please your Dom/Domme regardless of whether it does something for for the sub. Is that not just how it is sometimes?

cheers

I think it does matter, yes.

In my mind, pain is a form of play that can cause just as much emotional trauma as it can physical. And as such, it can be a bit of a minefield pushing someone there who isn't really ready for it, even if they think they want to do it to please someone else.

It's one thing to do something that doesn't make you actively happy, it's entirely another to do something that makes you actively unhappy. That shit will mess with your head eventually, and unless emotional masochism is your schtick, that's really bad juju.

That's just my thought though.

And I'm far too emotionally wrung out tonight to even get the barge pole out to give the 'oh I have to be into *everything* because I'm a pyl' argument a whack.