If you could give advice to a 18 year old sub, what would it be?

[specter170]

I am sure you have someone you trust, be sure to let them know your meeting someone and give them the persons info. Name, email, phone.

Play very very safe. If your playmate has you sucking his cock in the first few moments of meeting him, probably safe to assume he's a pretender.

 

[Marquis]

Beware of doms warning you to beware of doms. BDSM is a hall of mirrors made of lies, deception and lust.

After all these years you still have the ability to make me LOL.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Sorry, this is not spoken like a woman entering the scene. I'm not 100 percent sure the OP is, but I'll go with the law of lit board averages and assume that as well.

I wouldn't avoid other people but I would take everything they say with a super sized grain of salt. I followed the conventional advice about looking to expert others in the community about everything when I started playing and it absolutely derailed me as much as helped.

Every person has an agenda of making themselves look good. I would not necessarily assume that an older Dom with a good reputation in the community is better if your community happens to be largely dysfunctional.

At the end of the day you are the expert on your life. You are an adult now. If you don't feel qualified to make good decisions based on your observations of other people and holding their behavior up to their words and weighing what you see, I'd wait relationships out a bit.

I certainly would not throw all my chips behind the "sisterhood" which is, often as not filled with people with personal agendas. If you think that women in the scene genuinely want to help the new girl, especially if she's *hot* and Master is *poly* you think way too highly of human nature.

Giant grain of salt for all advice, even mine. Always. That's my advice.

Incidentally, I would say that younger players in the scene, IME, are MORE attuned to safety and more socially given to treating the opposite sex as humans who happen to have opposite plumbing - the younger Doms I've met tend to be Dominant because they are not because they are having some kind of feminist backlash midlife crisis. On average.

This - and not just when it comes to the lifestyle.

Don´t let anybody tell you what you have to like, think or do, to fit some label or into a group.

 

[FurryFury]

I agree with:

The idea that you should try everything you want to and can. To that end you might want to find your local munch, demo, and play party.

If you are sticking strictly with boyfriends, I high suggest you communicate (once you trust them) very clearly with them. Do not say, "I want to be dominated, I like pain or rough sex." Do give specifics, "I would love it if you would _______." Explain what you mean by rough sex in detail or by domination because what he thinks of and what you think of could be entirely different. Also, instead of using the term pain alone, use sensation of pain or something like that. There is a difference between enjoying pain sensually and enjoying it generally.

Think about your soft and hard limits now. They can change so don't worry about that. Be clear about them. When you don't know something say so. For instance I told my husband that although I was turned on by the idea of being spanked, I didn't know what my real life response would be. It's important to think about and be as clear as you can with yourself and your lover. Also, it's important for your lover to be able to be clear too.

Finally, I don't consider virginity or submission any sort of gift at all. I considered virginity to be too highly spoken of in this society. Virginity is really not much. Our society tends to build up this big deal about it. "If you are a good girl, you won't give it up until" kind of bull shit. No, virginity is just inexperience and I for one felt cheated and behind the times by the time I was date raped at 21. I'm still trying to make up for that lost time.

Submission and dominance is a wonderful thing when you find the right person to do it with, and you fit one another well. It's not a gift though, in my mind. It's just the way you are each born and a nice meshing of two people with opposite but compatible desires.

FF

 

[Marquis]

I was an 18 year old in the scene 10 years ago.

Generally they take advice from people who talk less than they listen.

 

[kitten_candy]

if you're online with a "Dom" and he tells you to get a wooden spoon and spank your own ass... and then turn on the cam so he can watch you... DO. NOT. DO. IT. you'll only feel really weird and stupid that you did. unless you're in to humiliation.

beware of 18 year old submissives who start posts and never come back to read the excellent advice.

 

[Adakgirl]

My advice to any 18 year old sub is to educate yourself as much as you can about the BDSM "lifestyle" and learn how to keep yourself as safe as possible both on-line and in real life situations.

My advice to any 18 year old virgin is to get yourself established on a reliable birth control method before, not after you are ready to lose your virginity.

 

[zombey123]

My advice to any 18 year old virgin is to get yourself established on a reliable birth control method before, not after you are ready to lose your virginity.

What an excellent addition.. why the hell didn't I think of that...birth control and CONDOMS..

 

[Duncan1981]

I will say this and I don't know if it was said already nor do I care.

Do what feels right, in mind and in body.

 

[Commedia]

PHOTO's NOW

Avoid people who say things like this. I'm fairly certain that's the point this person was trying to make

But, as others have said, take it slow. I think that's really the biggest thing. You may think you know what you like and what you don't, but you do not. You need to be able to experience these things to know what they're really like. Just try to find someone who can help you figure out what you want. I would really try to find a Dom with patience, as well. You're in the stage of your life where you need to learn, so I would try to find a Dom who can teach.

 

[SparkleStar86]

Hey dude, while I myself am pretty new to the sub/bottom experience, I started getting into the idea around your age. I'd have to agree with may of the posts I've seen on here. The biggest thing that many of us girls don't understand when we're younger and being pressured to have sex all the time, is just how freaking complicated it makes life sometimes! When you do lose your virginity, you'll understand what I'm saying, as stupid as that may sound. There's all these crazy feelins you have to sort out, and sex can seriously cloud a girls better judgement skills. I've yet to know a single female friend who didn't make stupid choices with their first, because we all think that "no one will ever love us like that." What seriously helped me figure out what I was into is looking into it, and doing some chatting with people who know what's going on. Take life slow, you have plenty of time to figure out who you are and what you want. And as soon as you think you've got all that figured out, you usually have to start all over again lol. I'd also wait, and make sure that you REALLY trust the person that you want to try things with. I just got married, and I'd never been able to open up to anyone about the side I considered my "dark side", because while I was always interested in the idea of it, I was also ashamed and thought something was wrong with me that I could even be into something like this. So I slowly opened up to the guy who's now my husband, and it's still a slow process. What makes it all the better though, (for me anyways) is that while I've tried some out there things in life and sex, I waited to trust the part of myself I was most afraid of, to such an amazing and understanding guy. It's a work in process, sure. But it's something that we can work on together, and I trust him to know me well enough not to push me too far, too fast.

Not sure if that was helpful or not, but I hope it was! And let me close off by saying, that Lit has helped me discover things I'm into, and allowed me to be real and truthful with myself in many ways. I've never been on the forums before, but the chat and the stories have helped me explore much about myself, my needs and my wants. So do tons of exploring here, b/c there's tons of great resources and great people I've talked to who've really really helped me out!

Best Of Luck!!

 

[Homburg]

To keep your outdoor tools from being lost, paint the handles bright red or orange.

This, totally. Neon green is a good alternative.

Beyond that, what they say is vastly, incredibly, less important than what they do. The other person you're interested in might treat you nice right now, but treats the waiter like trash. Guess what you're going to be treated like in a fairly short time...

I'm actually quite glad that came into this late. Almost every young self-identified dominant that I've met has been an arrogant, puffed up toad. I'm certain that I would've been that same arrogant puffed-up toad myself had I been id'ing as dominant at 19.

 

[thegirlinthecrowd]

Thank you all, this has been very helpful to see the actually personal views on it, instead of just reading the facts.

What has sparked your interest?

It all started when I was very, very young, probably around the age of ten when I went to a museum and saw a display on corsets. It sparked something in me, at the time I wasn't sure of what. As I became older, my curiousity got the best of me and I started researching and I came across the term 'BDSM'. It was then that I found literotica and i've been reading ever since. During my junoir years I started writing, but soon stoped as keeping stuff like that hidden was hard with my over-protective parents looking through my stuff 24-7, but I still read. That interest expanded into other topics. I'm sure it's always been a part of me. A 'dark side' I guess you could call it. To give myself, my heart, my soul to someone, trusting them not to break it, but yet not caring if they do.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Thank you all, this has been very helpful to see the actually personal views on it, instead of just reading the facts.



It all started when I was very, very young, probably around the age of ten when I went to a museum and saw a display on corsets. It sparked something in me, at the time I wasn't sure of what. As I became older, my curiousity got the best of me and I started researching and I came across the term 'BDSM'. It was then that I found literotica and i've been reading ever since. During my junoir years I started writing, but soon stoped as keeping stuff like that hidden was hard with my over-protective parents looking through my stuff 24-7, but I still read. That interest expanded into other topics. I'm sure it's always been a part of me. A 'dark side' I guess you could call it. To give myself, my heart, my soul to someone, trusting them not to break it, but yet not caring if they do.

Okay, you have two things going on here, one being your interest in BDSM-- which is kinky sex-- and the other is your romantic desire.

How about separating them for a while? While you learn more-- by practice-- about what your BDSM preferences actually are. It's the kink version of dating before getting engaged and married, yanno?

 

[chy_girl]

I was an 18 year old in the scene 10 years ago.

Generally they take advice from people who talk less than they listen.

That^. Though, that's a damned good piece of advice for life in general.

This, totally. Neon green is a good alternative.

Neon pink is even better. Boy's don't like permanently borrowing pink tools.

 

[Keroin]

If you could give advice to a 18 year old sub, what would it be?

Floss.

Every day.

 

[MisterSir]

Go to munches and make friends with people who aren't sexually interested in you.

 

[neci]

If your playmate has you sucking his cock in the first few moments of meeting him, probably safe to assume he's a pretender.

Go to munches and make friends with people who aren't sexually interested in you.

QFT

 

[WriterDom]

Plastics!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PSxihhBzCjk

 

[radepor]

Not female and not a Sub, Dom or Bottom

Despite my lack of insight, I'd say this is a problem.

Unless you're very adventurous, you'd better be sure you "know" the person you intend to be intimate with.

I have a very low pain tolerance? Will this be a problem for me?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Go to munches and make friends with people who aren't sexually interested in you.

And ones who are.

 

[Homburg]

Go to munches and make friends with people who aren't sexually interested in you.

Some of the best advice I've seen.

 

[Keroin]

Some of the best advice I've seen.

Did you miss the post about flossing?

 

[Homburg]

Did you miss the post about flossing?

Hmm, probably. Flossing is good.

 

[chy_girl]

I have a very low pain tolerance? Will this be a problem for me?

Despite my lack of insight, I'd say this is a problem.

Unless you're very adventurous, you'd better be sure you "know" the person you intend to be intimate with.

@radepor - It might be a problem for *you* but I know plenty of Top-type people who like sensation play more than pain play.

Submissive is not necessarily synonymous with bottom, just as bottom is not necessarily synonymous with submissive. And not everyone who bottoms is (or needs to be) a pain slut.

@thegirlinthecrowd - There's no rule requiring you to be a heavy bottom. And, honestly, you might just discover different kinds of pain once you play a few times. Especially if the person you're playing with knows what they're doing and respects the fact that you're new. Just take your time and don't rush into anything other than a munch - and then make some non-play friends and just sit back and watch.