pyls and the Outside World

[VelvetSin]

When you started venturing down this road and really exploring your submissive side, did you have a hard time finding a good balance between that and the world outside your front door?

I'm having a bit of a hard time with this and was wondering if it's common? While B and my relationship always had a bit of a D/s dynamic without the label, I didn't have any issue going to work and doing what was needed when I had to. I'm in a managerial role and never liked conflict at work but I could go toe-to-toe with someone to represent my department if I had to. It's become "difficult" lately and while I have been working on finding a good balance for myself, a coworker made a comment yesterday that she's noticed I'm more "mellow and subdued" these past months. I thought I was handling my internal conflict, if others are noticing, I need to do something.

B's been supportive and offered to take a break (we had a good relationship before adding BDSM officially to the mix and he thinks we could go back if we had to), but I don't want to. Did anyone else have this issue early on? How did you find a good balance between your pyl nature at home and having to PYL outside at work?

 

[graceanne]

I, actually, have heard other pyl's talking about this, although I don't recall where. I do know I had more problems with confrontations when I was new, but I don't have many confrontations, anyway. It's one of the awesome things about my job.

That said, I seem to recall the advice was to just work through it, this will pass, and you will be able to find a happy medium. *hugs* I know that doesn't help right now, though. Sorry.

 

[KoPilot]

I don't have any problems... mostly because my brand of submission only comes out when I'm "tamed" so to speak. I'm usually extremely hotheaded anyways.

Though being in this relationship with S, and coming out of the kink, quirk, and fetish closets has given me LOADS of confidence and self-esteem that I didn't have before.

Maybe I'm not "true submissive" enough.

That's probably not what you were getting at though. Sorry. :\

 

[VelvetSin]

I, actually, have heard other pyl's talking about this, although I don't recall where. I do know I had more problems with confrontations when I was new, but I don't have many confrontations, anyway. It's one of the awesome things about my job.

That said, I seem to recall the advice was to just work through it, this will pass, and you will be able to find a happy medium. *hugs* I know that doesn't help right now, though. Sorry.

I was afraid that would be the answer. It does help at least to know it's pretty normal, so thank you. I wouldn't say my job is filled with confrontation, but sometimes it's necessary. That's probably the case in most fields to some degree, right?

I don't have any problems... mostly because my brand of submission only comes out when I'm "tamed" so to speak. I'm usually extremely hotheaded anyways.

Though being in this relationship with S, and coming out of the kink, quirk, and fetish closets has given me LOADS of confidence and self-esteem that I didn't have before.

Maybe I'm not "true submissive" enough.

That's probably not what you were getting at though. Sorry. :\

Oh, I've got a temper. Or I did anyway. It's what I used to draw on when someone pushed and needed to be pushed back at work. I wouldn't say exploring my inner kink has taken away any confidence or self-esteem, quite the opposite in fact. I feel *more* confident about myself in general and more at ease with "me." Maybe that's my issue, I feel more at ease and it's hard to get pissed and tell someone where to go and what to do with themselves (in such a way that HR won't get called, of course) when that spark of temper is hard to find lately.

Maybe *I'm* not "true submissive" enough, who knows. What's a "true submissive" anyway?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Does "mellow and subdued" interfere with your job? Do people simply not do what they have to unless you're insulting them and their ancestors?

 

[VelvetSin]

Does "mellow and subdued" interfere with your job? Do people simply not do what they have to unless you're insulting them and their ancestors?

"Mellow and subdued" was her polite way of saying I've been a bit of a pushover in a few instances lately.

The people in my department aren't the problem, we have a good arrangement, working relationship and dynamic, etc. It's rare that I need to get on someone, and when I do, it's usually something very minor. I've only got one "problem child" right now, but we're working on it. If it's someone in my department I wouldn't get confrontational anyway. I don't think I've ever yelled at someone under me, it just seems silly.

The people outside the department are usually the problem. Unrealistic demands and treating people in my department poorly are the usual issues where I would need to have a chat with someone that may turn confrontational. While I'm not the type to insult someone or their ancestors, we have a few douchebag salesmen that are. I usually get involved when one of *them* has gotten that way with one of my people, and it's my job to make sure my people aren't mistreated and can do their job without that kind of BS. In that case, yeah, it is a problem if I can't make it clear that I can and will put them in their place if they won't play nice with the other kids.

 

[YourCaptor]

Who the fuck let them out?

 

[KoPilot]

Oh, I've got a temper. Or I did anyway. It's what I used to draw on when someone pushed and needed to be pushed back at work. I wouldn't say exploring my inner kink has taken away any confidence or self-esteem, quite the opposite in fact. I feel *more* confident about myself in general and more at ease with "me." Maybe that's my issue, I feel more at ease and it's hard to get pissed and tell someone where to go and what to do with themselves (in such a way that HR won't get called, of course) when that spark of temper is hard to find lately.

Maybe *I'm* not "true submissive" enough, who knows. What's a "true submissive" anyway?

Hmm! I find myself doing that a little more than before as well. It's probably good for my blood pressure, but not so good when trying to avoid being treated like a doormat sometimes...

And yeah, I don't think anybody has a real idea about what a "tru sub" is. But if you find out, let me know so I can get a good laugh~

 

[VelvetSin]

Who the fuck let them out?

Sometimes we're let out on a work-release program so we can help earn the cash to buy all those wonderful toys.

Hmm! I find myself doing that a little more than before as well. It's probably good for my blood pressure, but not so good when trying to avoid being treated like a doormat sometimes...

And yeah, I don't think anybody has a real idea about what a "tru sub" is. But if you find out, let me know so I can get a good laugh~

Eh, I'm hoping the doormat issue will fade once a better balance is reached, like gracie said. In the meantime, when I first started in the job I couldn't really pull off the needed "authority" and had to fake it. I guess I'll have to go back to that until I figure it out.

 

[graceanne]

Maybe *I'm* not "true submissive" enough, who knows. What's a "true submissive" anyway?

No one knows. Please don't start another thread on true submissive's. Please?

 

[VelvetSin]

No one knows. Please don't start another thread on true submissive's. Please?

No need, I'm not that worried about it.

 

[graceanne]

No need, I'm not that worried about it.

Oh, thank goodness. I don't know if we have the patience for another argument about 'true submissive'.

 

[VelvetSin]

Oh, thank goodness. I don't know if we have the patience for another argument about 'true submissive'.

Well, since we're on the subject, I do have a few questions!


When I first really got curious, I may have asked some questions that were a little on the repetitive side (sorry, I hadn't figured out the search feature on the forums yet) but I think I'm good on any more of those broad topics that don't really have an answer.

 

[graceanne]

Well, since we're on the subject, I do have a few questions!

When I first really got curious, I may have asked some questions that were a little on the repetitive side (sorry, I hadn't figured out the search feature on the forums yet) but I think I'm good on any more of those broad topics that don't really have an answer.

I wasn't remarking about your threads, just in general. We get that sort of question pretty routinely (am I a true submissive?), and it gets tedious. It also used to cause big arguments.

 

[the captians wench]

You know, I had just the opposite responce.

I have always had a submissive demenor, just part of how I was raised. On top of that when I first discovered BDSM, it was a time in my life when I had just seperated from my husband and I was trying to figure out how to live of my own. I had to go into a management position to be able to support myself, and even though I've always seemed to inspire followers, I've never wanted to be a leader.

Through my discoveries of "the lifestyle" and of my self, I developed a confidence I have never had. I've also found that having a domly type that I can lean on has helped me to stand up and not let people trample me.

It's through submission that I've found strength.

 

[VelvetSin]

Through my discoveries of "the lifestyle" and of my self, I developed a confidence I have never had. I've also found that having a domly type that I can lean on has helped me to stand up and not let people trample me.

It's through submission that I've found strength.

While confidence isn't the issue - as mentioned above, I feel more confident and at ease lately - the bolded section made me think. Perhaps it's a matter of leaning the opposite direction when it comes to workly things to avoid burdening him more / too much, now that he's taken on a more defined domly role than was acknowledged before. He's always been supportive and would help think through the occasional difficult deals at work, but after reading your comment and thinking about it I may have been avoiding that support to not overburden.

Thank you. That gave me something to think about and talk through with him.

 

[blade_rocknut]

While confidence isn't the issue - as mentioned above, I feel more confident and at ease lately - the bolded section made me think. Perhaps it's a matter of leaning the opposite direction when it comes to workly things to avoid burdening him more / too much, now that he's taken on a more defined domly role than was acknowledged before. He's always been supportive and would help think through the occasional difficult deals at work, but after reading your comment and thinking about it I may have been avoiding that support to not overburden.

Thank you. That gave me something to think about and talk through with him.

Something to think about- even though it doesn't help in impromtu situations, writing a letter goes a long way toward helping assert your points of contention. I'm not ( officially) in your position in the bedroom, but I am, by nature- not confrontational. That said, many of my adult years have been spent dealing with employees of my company ( crappy attitudes, slackers, you name it) as well as customers and other tradespeople. ConfrontatiIon is sometimes unavoidable and I have a very violent temper when pushed. To avoid conflicts with employees and customers ( which could get me sued ) I found writng grievances ( or responses to grievances) was a great way to solve problems, in a number of ways. To a subordinate, it is inherently intimidating to recieve any sort of written warning, and reeks of serious intent- even if worded politely. It puts people on notice that your thoughts are gathered and gives you opportunity to work through issues one at a time, without interruption. Interruptions are hell on those of us with a short temper! Not all situations are appropriate for written response, of course, but writing a response will help arrange your thoughts and solidify your position on a topic- even if you have to deliver orally to be appropriate. I get too damn angry to argue face to face, but can do quite well when given a minute to remove the emotion and craft a response, sans the anger.

 

[VelvetSin]

To answer a quick note that was PM'd in case it was confusing to others in the original post, when I said B offered to take a break, he meant ease up on the BDSM learning curve, not a relationship break. Things are good. After the helpful Wenchie post yesterday with some thoughtful direction, and after a talk (and a very fun evening ), things are very very good. Back to being a happy little kitty.

Sorry for what was probably a silly newbie question, and thank you for the pointers in the right direction.

Something to think about- even though it doesn't help in impromtu situations, writing a letter goes a long way toward helping assert your points of contention.

I definitely agree. I do as much in writing as I can and try to get others to respond in kind, not just while handling conflicts. It's a good practice in general in the business (or personal) world to get things in writing to avoid "I never said that" issues later.

 

[graceanne]

Sorry for what was probably a silly newbie question, and thank you for the pointers in the right direction.

I wouldn't consider it a silly newbie question, because i don't recall having a thread just about this before. Eventually I'll get it into the library, cause it's a good question.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I wouldn't consider it a silly newbie question, because i don't recall having a thread just about this before. Eventually I'll get it into the library, cause it's a good question.

I agree. It is a good question. I don't remember a question like this either but I haven't been around here as long as others. Besides, I personally don't mind discussions around topics previously discussed. I like hearing what new people have to say about stuff too.