As The Hospital Pervs

[Dagnastyevil]

Put your mouth on this and suck.
Exhale. Put your mouth on this, and inhale for as long as you can.
It is an incentive spirometer.
Don't blow, suck.
When the little ball rises to the top, hold it. Good.
http://0.tqn.com/d/copd/1/G/O/0/-/-/2221723523_f0522ee55a_m.jpg

I had one of these following a surgery after I fractured T-12. One of my nurses was a firecracker and had me sucking on the spirometer twice an hour (if I remember right). The whole thing is a bit cloudy from all of the drugs I was on, but I do remember wanting her so, so bad.

Excellent thread by the way, this lurker has subscribed!

 

[sweepthefloor]

Thank you most kindly. I am more tickled than I was at my pinning ceremony when the Cutie Patootie Chief of Medicine accidentally pinned my right breast instead of my uniform. I knew without doubt then, Nursing was my true calling. Still carry His mark close to my heart

Now that is an awesome pinning story! I still remember standing on the stage in my white coat listening to that speech of what we are accountable and responsible for as registered nurses. <tears> It was so emotional. I am now remembering my nursing school friends. During one of our first labs the teacher asked us a question about something, and one of the man student nurses raised his hand eagerly and said the answer was: Is this when we get a rectal temp? We all looked at him like: what the fuck! I think I knew then, I was in the right place. It was a long journey from the lab to that pin! And guess what? I freaking lost mine!

That is memorable, you are surely pinned!

I had one of these following a surgery after I fractured T-12. One of my nurses was a firecracker and had me sucking on the spirometer twice an hour (if I remember right). The whole thing is a bit cloudy from all of the drugs I was on, but I do remember wanting her so, so bad.

Excellent thread by the way, this lurker has subscribed!

I go into work with the mantra: Strict incentive spirometry will be enforced. Depends on the patient: Ten times an hour is excellent, but twice is nice if you are all drugged up.
How did you fracture your T-12? A motor vehicle accident? Are you all better?
I bet you had nice dreams all drugged with your firecracker nurse floating over your bed.

Thank you for subscribing lurker!

 

[sweepthefloor]

The supervisor hates me. That is the only explanation for her putting me in charge every fucking time I work a weekend.

 

[Saint Peter]

Head Nurse!

 

[sweepthefloor]

Yes Pete! If I'm the Head Nurse, why are they sucking me dry?
This is not right.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I think I will get knocked up and take half his stuff.
That has to be easier than being the head nurse of 48 patients, 10 RNs, 5 CNAs!
*smashes the pager* and goes to lunch.

 

[Saint Peter]

dirty knees!

 

[sweepthefloor]

 

[sweepthefloor]

Mr. Jones has a heart rate of 35.

Do NOT crack my code cart!

I'm going in the room with pacer pads.
Call me when the rate hits 40.

Janey: hey how are you feeling Mr. Jones?
Mr. J: good! Can I watch the game now?

 

[sweepthefloor]

http://www.ucdmc.ucdavis.edu/cne/resources/clinical_skills_refresher/crash_cart/graphics/CrashCart-Front.jpg


Nurse Janey Bradycardia Algorithm

1. Walk to the room to assess the patient, bringing pacer pads and blood pressure cuff.
2. If the patient is awake and a pulse is palpable, introduce yourself and explain that you will check the blood pressure. At the same time assess for color, and respiratory rate, assess for perfusion.
3. If the blood pressure is within normal limits, smile and begin a conversation that will give the answers to patient’s mental status. How are you feeling? Are you dizzy? Do you remember my name?
4. Close the curtain.
5. Explain to the patient that you will remove the top part of the gown to place sticky pads on the chest because the heart rate is low, most likely related to cardiac medications administered this morning.
6. Call the Cardiologist who will then discontinue the medications, request orders for Atropine at the bedside, and pacer pad placement on the chest.
7. After adequate perfusion and hemodynamic stability is assessed to be adequate, continue to monitor the patient closely.

We do not break open the code cart so that Nurse Janey can clock out late trying to restock and recount the whole damn cart.

Naturally if the patient is deemed unstable by clinical judgment proceed to the real ACLS Bradycardia Algorithm. Do not wait for the Doctor: begin protocol.

Sometimes all it takes to jack the rate is a smile, and some time to let the medications wear off.

I was jinxed by this freaky Asian man nurse who tried to tell me a little story in the morning: You know if all of a sudden your male patient has a fast heart rate, he might be jacking off in there. I hope his wife gets back from Asia soon because he his getting nuts.

 

[Dagnastyevil]

How did you fracture your T-12? A motor vehicle accident? Are you all better?
I bet you had nice dreams all drugged with your firecracker nurse floating over your bed.

Thank you for subscribing lurker!

Yup, car accident. I'm all better in the sense that I'm alive, but the pressure on my spinal cord wasn't relieved quick enough so I'm non-ambulatory, if that's what ya meant.

Oh the dreams were wonderful.

 

[sweepthefloor]

Yup, car accident. I'm all better in the sense that I'm alive, but the pressure on my spinal cord wasn't relieved quick enough so I'm non-ambulatory, if that's what ya meant.

Oh the dreams were wonderful.

I am the cool clean sheet on a sweaty body.
I am the morphine in your vein, no pain.
I am the log that rolls your body in one motion.
I am the smile that indicates hope.
I am the bitch that makes you move.
I am the starched angel white, in the night.
I am the tears when you can’t cry them.
I am the Dag Nasty Not Evil Nurse.

Fuck. I can write you a better poem.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I think I have nurse drop.
I might need aftercare.

Cry, but it won't come out.
It is just this.
Beta-blockers and hemodynamics.

I was amazing.
Now, I am nothing.

I serve the sick and submit
The hospital owns me.

 

[sweepthefloor]

Doctor Apologizes for Attacking ICU Nurse.
the charges were dropped due to his medical condition. he stabbed her with a knife.
I wonder if it was bottled up anger for nurses calling in the middle of the night for Tylenol orders.

 

[LadyGreyFortress]

Doctor Apologizes for Attacking ICU Nurse.
the charges were dropped due to his medical condition. he stabbed her with a knife.
I wonder if it was bottled up anger for nurses calling in the middle of the night for Tylenol orders.

ROHFLOL (roll on hospital floor and laugh out loud)

When I was young in the Operating Room, Doc's would sometimes loose their tempers and a few even threw instruments. I thought it was my duty to be clever and dodge said missles. Now I am a old "warhorse" nurse and would know to step INTO the oncomming projectile to assure my retirement plan, I have ideas on falling to the floor and flopping, now no Doc will even raises his voice at me. Guess they are too worried about supporting the first wife, the trophy wife and ME. *Sigh* guess I will just have continue contributing to the 401K

 

[sweepthefloor]

ROHFLOL (roll on hospital floor and laugh out loud)

When I was young in the Operating Room, Doc's would sometimes loose their tempers and a few even threw instruments. I thought it was my duty to be clever and dodge said missles. Now I am a old "warhorse" nurse and would know to step INTO the oncomming projectile to assure my retirement plan, I have ideas on falling to the floor and flopping, now no Doc will even raises his voice at me. Guess they are too worried about supporting the first wife, the trophy wife and ME. *Sigh* guess I will just have continue contributing to the 401K

ROHFLOL I love it! I am totally using that to amuse my Favorite ICU RN!
His name is ! He works upstairs in ICU and tenderly nurtured me through PCU tears when I was new.

Haha! Guess they are not throwing instruments around you!
Ever think about RNFA?

I think if I were OR nursing I would like to be the scrub nurse. I dislike paper work, so Circulator is out.

 

[sweepthefloor]

Dear Hospitalist,

I know you are working six days a week, twelve-hour shifts and probably call too, but you need to take a break sometimes and relieve the stress and adrenaline of acute care. I know you are reading this thread. Just know there are many pervy nurses and nurse lovers here and we want the story. You know, the bitchy nurse that always calls for Tylenol? The cute nurse that calls you for the code blue story? Dear Doctor: Can you come drop a central line?

Consider this the RN sticky note hidden in the MD progress note. That is not a part of the medical record.

Sincerely,
Jane Sweep RN, PCCN

<pqrst> let me know if you have a pulse or just busy banging that hot nurse in the call room. <pqrst>

*kidding about the call room

 

[sweepthefloor]

H2O + CO2 = H2CO3 = H+HCO3
Water and carbon dioxide equals carbonic acid equals hydrogen and bicarbonate

BALANCE
The respiratory side and the metabolic side

WE CAN
Compensate for each other​

Do you want to be the lungs or the kidneys?
It matters not because at the end of the day it is all about compensation.

If I could take acid base balance theory and apply it to love, I would be a winner.

 

[Saint Peter]

Lungs.

 

[sweepthefloor]

Lungs.

If you are lungs: get busy with the pursed lipped breathing technique. It is good for you.

 

[sweepthefloor]

The toxic wasteland of love. This lists some things that damage the kidneys: urinary retention, antibiotics, other medications such as diuretics, lithium, intravenous contrast etc. I try to bring it full circle into love, and is there a kidney function to clean that up? I don't think so, who the fuck knows.

Yes. I am waiting for my acceptance letter for the MSN program. My transcripts are sent and fees paid. Then I will stop creating silly analogies.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I can't wait to perv on that respiratory therapist tomorrow. I will show no mercy till he checks my gag reflex with his own cock. I want to be intubated. Respiratory Therapists are hot, it is all about managing the airway with them.

I wrote this poem for him a while ago. Not my best poetry, but it is sweet.
--------------------------------------------
Southern Comfort

You are six foot four inches TALL
Of southern hospitality and sunshine.

You are two hundred pounds of COMPASSION
But can make you self-light on the back of my motorcycle.

You like Mexican food and iced tea SWEET
But you settle for Italian and coffee.

You are the happiest bad NEWS
For all the girls in town.

You are a big strong DADDY
And you know how to braid her hair.

You are an infectious manic VIBE
But you are calm and slow on the phone.

You are that slow southern DRAWL
Tempering my anxious Yankee accent

You are at the head of the BED
Ventilating my patient.

You are confident and TRUST
I got your straight miller blade with working batteries

You know the whole TRUTH
And you never went away

You are an adrenaline JUNKY
And we jump out of airplanes together.

You rode in from Texas in a CHEVY
To stop me from obsessing like I do.

You know all the INTERVENTIONS
For my chest pain protocol.

You know all my SECRETS
And never judge my heart

You always have the WORDS
To stop me from hurting myself.

You know what her blue EYES
Look like when you tried to save her life.

You hear her parents SCREAMING
And you see her on the playground

You never make performance MISTAKES
I know that you are human.

Your skills keep people BREATHING
And that is your specialty.

You speak my LANGUAGE
And that language is pain and medical.

 

[sweepthefloor]

Bring it on 12.5 hours of control, discipline.
I've got a 12 lead whip in one hand
And a syringe filled with morphine in the other.

I hurt myself
But I lick wounds with my antibiotic saline soaked tongue

And now I am gonna light that Hospital up
Like a damn Christmas tree.

Got joules?
Love me, love me.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I'm in the parking lot trying to go to lunch.
This surgeon wants my story. I'm not giving it up. Then some strange creature in scrubs nearly crashes into us... On a skateboard. He falls, gets up quickly, puts his board in his car, and walks into the H.

I'm like: Did you see that?
Surgeon: he's not hot.
Me: I didn't see his face but who is he?
Surgeon: I'll find out for you, I think he's radiology.
Me: you are a tool.
Surgeon: you use me so bad.
Me: name, I want a name.
!

 

[sweepthefloor]

Me: Can I have the intravenous hydralazine profiled for my admit with a blood pressure of 220/110?
Pharm: As soon as you give me height/weight/allergies...yes in 30 seconds.
Me: ok.

And in 30 seconds, the medications were profiled, that quickly.

I want to suck him in my mouth now.