Explanation Desired

[swtrthnhoney]

Joined FP and within 24 hrs I had a friend request from an old flame. We are both married now and live several hundred miles apart.
I thought I would never speak to him again so all of this was a shock to me. I was surprised to have a rush of those feelings return. It was as if I had been transported in time.
He said a lot of things that I wanted to hear and that made me comfortable enough to keep talking to him: that he loved me back then and he just didn't realize it; he's been looking for me for 7 years; that he emailed a lot of people with my name during that time but didn't find me; that he heard a singer on one day and went out and bought all her records the next day and that her voice reminded him of me.
We started chatting. Of course, I wanted to hear him say these things because it is flattering and I really wanted to hear them long ago when he was being such a jerk. I told him too much. One thing led to another, we started emailing, calling on phone, eventually leading to sexual content.
Everything was escalating and my husband found out. The old flame was okay as long as his relationship was intact but as soon as his relationship was threatened, he basically turned it all off.
I feel extremely naive for allowing this to happen and I feel extremely upset that I gave him any notice whatsoever. Frankly, I am having a lot of conflicting feelings about the whole thing. Part of me wants to tell him off and part of me wants him to contact me and tell me that he wants to try to have a relationship again.
Yes I did enjoy the attention and the "discussions". I keep wondering if there is anything more to this or is that it? You have these thoughts and actions about someone for so many years and you find them and then "poof" that's it? You turn it off?
I would love to hear other opinions about this. Especially from a male perspective.

 

[fgarvb1]

Joined FP and within 24 hrs I had a friend request from an old flame. We are both married now and live several hundred miles apart.
I thought I would never speak to him again so all of this was a shock to me. I was surprised to have a rush of those feelings return. It was as if I had been transported in time.
He said a lot of things that I wanted to hear and that made me comfortable enough to keep talking to him: that he loved me back then and he just didn't realize it; he's been looking for me for 7 years; that he emailed a lot of people with my name during that time but didn't find me; that he heard a singer on one day and went out and bought all her records the next day and that her voice reminded him of me.
We started chatting. Of course, I wanted to hear him say these things because it is flattering and I really wanted to hear them long ago when he was being such a jerk. I told him too much. One thing led to another, we started emailing, calling on phone, eventually leading to sexual content.
Everything was escalating and my husband found out. The old flame was okay as long as his relationship was intact but as soon as his relationship was threatened, he basically turned it all off.
I feel extremely naive for allowing this to happen and I feel extremely upset that I gave him any notice whatsoever. Frankly, I am having a lot of conflicting feelings about the whole thing. Part of me wants to tell him off and part of me wants him to contact me and tell me that he wants to try to have a relationship again.
Yes I did enjoy the attention and the "discussions". I keep wondering if there is anything more to this or is that it? You have these thoughts and actions about someone for so many years and you find them and then "poof" that's it? You turn it off?
I would love to hear other opinions about this. Especially from a male perspective.

There is chatting with old friends and lovers and then there is what P.T. Barnum is famous for saying...

As for me I would say anyone who works hard enough can screw up their life if they keep looking away from the stop signs.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

I'll keep looking for those stop signs. Didn't PT Barnum say "the greatest show on earth"? So I was played? It just seems sort of mean - the whole thing. Why bother looking me up? He didn't intend to do anything. Why not just say "Hi, see you're doing well, have a nice life, later" and leave it at that?
Or was I just part of his big fantasy life and when the fantasy had the opportunity to become reality...?
Me - if I had the opportunity for fantasy to become reality (not all fantasies but a few) I would probably jump at the chance.
I suppose I should chalk it up to lessons learned and quit trying to make sense of it all. It just came a at a very bad time in my life and compounded a whole lot of issues.

 

[nerk]

I'm going to point to that little gold band around his finger and say that's one of those stop signs. I'm going to point to that little gold band around your finger and say that's another one.

I don't know how things ended the first time around, but it sounds like one of you pulled a disappearing act. If it was you, you can't be surprised that he wasn't putting his eggs in your basket a second time. If it was him, well ... fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice ... hey what's that big red octagon for?

When a guy fucks a married woman, he's looking for sex, not a relationship. That rock on her finger tells him she's in a relationship, and every time she fucks him, she's letting him know what a relationship is worth to her. The reverse is true as well, but it sounds like you were willing to overlook that.

PT Barnum said "There's a sucker born every minute."

If you want to step under the big top, here, I can show you what that means....

I'll keep looking for those stop signs. Didn't PT Barnum say "the greatest show on earth"? So I was played? It just seems sort of mean - the whole thing. Why bother looking me up? He didn't intend to do anything. Why not just say "Hi, see you're doing well, have a nice life, later" and leave it at that?
Or was I just part of his big fantasy life and when the fantasy had the opportunity to become reality...?
Me - if I had the opportunity for fantasy to become reality (not all fantasies but a few) I would probably jump at the chance.
I suppose I should chalk it up to lessons learned and quit trying to make sense of it all. It just came a at a very bad time in my life and compounded a whole lot of issues.

 

[silverwhisper]

i hate to say it, but he played you like a fiddle. if you want to give him an opportunity to redeem himself, that's your business, but walk into it with your eyes wide open and recognize that any continued contact on your part will be perceived as a desire to resume your sexually-charged communication: you would be rewarding bad behavior, and confirming his belief that he's so damned irresistible that your husband and his wife don't matter a damn, just as they don't to him.

i don't think i need to state this explicitly, but on the off chance that i do: i think any kind of communication, or even acknowledgement of his communication, is fantastically fucking stupid.

frankly, i think it's a lot more important to understand what was lacking in your marriage that allowed you to be so damned vulnerable to this asshole in the first place. and make no mistake: yes, he's an asshole.

ed

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Thanks - I appreciate your honesty and frankness. I realize how gullible (STUPID) I was to fall for his antics (AGAIN).
There is really no excuse even though I was having a really low point in my life when he swaggered through the cyber door. (I distinctly remember saying out loud "I don't want it (to talk) to him." I should have shut down the computer and RAN).
Until some life events over the past year, I had been extremely faithful and didn't stray one iota. (Geez, I felt guilty if I even started to fantasize about a faceless persona when pleasuring myself.) As for wedding rings, I haven't worn mine in years for other reasons, not having to do with infidelity or thoughts thereof. That said - it doesn't matter anymore once you do. Thankfully, there was no physical or live and in-person contact.
I have been examining my relationship (as I was questioning it at the time this was all happening).
I put this out here because I know that there are a lot of married individuals on lit so I was curious what comments and advice would be garnered. All are appreciated and duly noted.

 

[ivantheterrible]

i don't want to see my ex, i don't want to hear her, and if i did it would be nice if it was just before a truck runs over her and i hear her blood curdling screams. i haven't seen her in some time.
i am in the full belief, ex's are of the past and need to stay there. forever.

 

[infinity706]

Well, I should probably say first, that I've never really done the traditional boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I've always made it clear up front that I expected an open relationship and have had multiple "special friends" at once, for years. That being said, old flames are a ton of fun. I really admire monogamous people that actually live happily without cheating. Afterall, no one person will be everything you desire.

 

[little_kid]

Put yourself in your husband's shoes!

How'd you react if your husband's old highschool girlfriend starts contacting him and both go romantic behind your back and start fucking like rabbits in some cheap motel?

btw what is this site FP?

When you ex-bf is saying thinks like

he's been looking for me for 7 years; that he emailed a lot of people with my name during that time but didn't find me; that he heard a singer on one day and went out and bought all her records the next day and that her voice reminded him of me.

That is damn LIE.
He is a seasoned player at luring and seducing women with those words and you're not the only woman he is dating at the moment with those tricks.

Before moving further, you ask him this question

what if my hubby divorces me? will you divorce your woman and get married with me?

 

[infinity706]

I actually kind of like it when my special friends hook up with people or go out on a date, especially with old flames, since you know that's going to be epic. It makes a great story a lot of times. Of course, they wouldn't have to waste money on cheap motels. If I knew in advance, I could just step out for a while and let them use my bed if desired, as long as they use protection, don't make too much of a mess, and don't do anything stupid like getting (seriously )hurt or arrested. It is worth a bonus point if I get invited to watch or participate in the action, though, or possibly see pictures/video. Afterall, there's too much fun to be having to waste time on bullshit like lying, cheating, getting drunk and knocking up some chick you just met, etc.

 

[JustSkye]

i hate to say it, but he played you like a fiddle. if you want to give him an opportunity to redeem himself, that's your business, but walk into it with your eyes wide open and recognize that any continued contact on your part will be perceived as a desire to resume your sexually-charged communication: you would be rewarding bad behavior, and confirming his belief that he's so damned irresistible that your husband and his wife don't matter a damn, just as they don't to him.

i don't think i need to state this explicitly, but on the off chance that i do: i think any kind of communication, or even acknowledgement of his communication, is fantastically fucking stupid.

frankly, i think it's a lot more important to understand what was lacking in your marriage that allowed you to be so damned vulnerable to this asshole in the first place. and make no mistake: yes, he's an asshole.

ed

All of this for the win.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

All of this for the win.

"If winning is a phone in one hand and a few minutes of pleasurable feelings."

 

[swtrthnhoney]

How'd you react if your husband's old highschool girlfriend starts contacting him and both go romantic behind your back and start fucking like rabbits in some cheap motel?

btw what is this site FP?

When you ex-bf is saying thinks like

That is damn LIE.
He is a seasoned player at luring and seducing women with those words and you're not the only woman he is dating at the moment with those tricks.

Before moving further, you ask him this question

"FP" should have been "FB" as in Facebook (mistype).
No cheap motel was involved (THANKFULLY he lives hundred of miles away), just computer and phone, but bad enough to a relationship nonetheless.
I know I was an easy mark due to circumstances in my life and the fact that I always wanted it to work with him (years ago) and obviously I never really got over it (even though I thought that I had).
He is the one that led me to lit. Maybe that should have been my first clue. I attempted to research him on the internet but used his entire email address (which btw doesn't work you have to use only the first part and not include the provider). I found out after the fact just how rampant he was on the internet.
As I stated before, I never even remotely considered cheating. Usually seeing through the thin veil of bs to ignore advances. I am not ugly, fat, mean, or b*tchy, and am considered very intelligent. I don't really understand why I have this flaw concerning him. I do understand how it happened at that point in time in my life (due to my letting my guard down as a result of circumstances).
I feel rather stupid and gullible for allowing myself to be available to play his game. Sometimes you grab the wrong limb on your way over the edge of a cliff.

 

[silverwhisper]

swtrthnhoney quoth:
i put this out here because i know that there are a lot of married individuals on lit so i was curious what comments and advice would be garnered. all are appreciated and duly noted.

this right here is part of what makes the HT community so powerful: helping one another learn from our own mis-steps. with luck, perhaps your experience will help someone else avoid repeating it.

swtrthnhoney quoth:
i don't really understand why i have this flaw concerning him.

nobody's perfect, and when you come right down to it, we've all got vulnerabilities somewhere. but you said earlier in the same post (your response to little kid) that you always wanted things to work out with him. maybe that's the core of the matter?

justskye, thanks for the props, much appreciated!

ed

 

[ucleebo]

Honey, once you answered any of his communication that was sexually charged, you were cheating on your husband. But that's over and done with. Lose this loser once and for all and get on with your life.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Thanks, you advice is really appreciated. Reading your comments has bolstered my need to purge this person from my mind. Also, your comments have been more worthwhile than the counseling I've sought from professionals - who basically insinuate that I shouldn't count on Mr. FB and leave my husband.
I've heard from two different individuals (in real life) that "the heart wants what the heart wants". I hate this saying, it implies that you don't have any control over what your heart wants and therefore you just have to accept the situation (which is a miserable place if not reciprocated).
I would be curious who is married and who is not in the comments. Your profiles don't indicate.
As for little kid...sounds like you speak from experience according to your "Tricks of the Trade" post. "Don't go in romantic relations with married woman! because sooner or later her husband finds out or she starts feeling guilty so she stops coming and chatting with you. In either case since you got addicted to her romantically, its hard to forget her and it makes living painful." That would help me understand your response. No hard feelings though... life is not always easy, it's just what you make it.

 

[Cathleen]

Unfriend him, block him or whatever...he played you like a stradivarius. He said all the right things to hook you. Remember feelings you had back then cannot be brought forward in your life today unless you go back and relive from then on...it's impossible. You're different today, you can't unknow, unthink or un anything.

People can say all the right stuff and we hear all the right stuff but that doesn't mean it's all right.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

don't know

IMHO we simply don't know what he thought, meant, or intended except he was, as they say in some places, all hat and no cattle. Feel free to tell yourself he meant all those nice things he said and implied. You might also want to think about developing a test for whether a person has any cattle when they are showing you their hat.

 

[satindesire]

I know it can be difficult to speak to your husband about lacking in your relationship, but truthfully, nothing worth anything in the long term was easily gained. Relationships, monogamous happy long-term relationships, take serious work and a ton of self-motivation and commitment on both partners' parts in order to maintain. My husband and I haven't been married for very long, but we work VERY hard at communication and spending quality time together to avoid relationships pitfalls like growing apart or resentment.

The last thing I know that I'd want is a divorce, but marriage takes more than just wanting to stay married to thrive. Even though it may feel like a dentist appointment with no Novocaine, talk to your husband about getting closer and repairing whatever rift has made you seek out affection elsewhere. You won't regret it, and you'll also close up the vulnerable places that would allow cheating to sneak in.

In the end, your hard work will reward you with a fulfilling and loving relationship with your husband that suits all of your needs for attention, affection, sex and intimacy. Really, that's the best feeling in the world.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Unfriend him, block him or whatever...he played you like a stradivarius. He said all the right things to hook you. Remember feelings you had back then cannot be brought forward in your life today unless you go back and relive from then on...it's impossible. You're different today, you can't unknow, unthink or un anything.

People can say all the right stuff and we hear all the right stuff but that doesn't mean it's all right.

I did, everywhere - FB, email, etc. I am different. I hoped he would be different in a better way.
Just because people can say the right stuff and we hear the right stuff doesn't mean that the people saying it mean it when it is said. Me - I mean what I say and I say what I mean. I prefer action over words.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

IMHO we simply don't know what he thought, meant, or intended except he was, as they say in some places, all hat and no cattle. Feel free to tell yourself he meant all those nice things he said and implied. You might also want to think about developing a test for whether a person has any cattle when they are showing you their hat.

We really don't know. I think that is the hardest part - I know what he said (yes there was much more - over several months). I guess part of me wishes some or all of it was true but I think he is full of cattle leftovers and/or the cattle were spooked. Thought he was more of a cowboy than that - years ago and now.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

Response to satindesire:
We are trying, going to counseling for help, etc. I am scared, I am just not feeling a connection that once was there and not sure if it will come back. We've been together for 20 years and this was the first (and last) time I've ever even remotely done anything. Never thought I would. I guess if the conditions are right and you let your guard down, then be concerned.
The last thing I want is a divorce too. But I don't want live the next half of my life feeling like I am just existing. I want to live it with gusto and meaning and depth in my relationships (friends and family). Because of things that have happened over the last 4 years.
I think the biggest part of this whole episode is my pride. I am ashamed at straying - even if in cyberland and on the phone. It was still cheating. I am ashamed and mad that I allowed someone to get that close to me (I usually deck someone for touching me without permission), and I am ashamed that I hurt my husband so much (because I've been hurt from an affair in a previous relationship and I know how it feels).
Things are not the same and I don't think they ever will be. Can we grow from here? I don't know. (not just because of the event but because of the 4 years of events). tmi

 

[satindesire]

Things are not the same and I don't think they ever will be. Can we grow from here? I don't know. (not just because of the event but because of the 4 years of events). tmi

Well, relationships to tend to evolve and change, especially after such a long time. 20 years is two decades, a good portion of your life, and you can't really expect things to be the same as they were in the beginning. Hell, my husband and I have been together for only 5 years and things aren't the same as they were in the beginning of our relationship.

I know it's scary to think that you might not be able to get that intimacy and closeness back, but if you two really want it bad enough, I bet you can. And after such a long marriage, you might be surprised at how good it can feel even if it's not the same feeling as you felt when it was new.

Long relationships are sort of like wine, they get better with time.

 

[PhaonsBrother]

Long-term relationships aren't about romance and sex, they're about companionship and alleviating the fear of living a solitary life unto old age. If you were looking for a new companion, you didn't go about it right. It takes most women a while to figure out that you don't give up the vagina when you're seeking a relationship/connection without some sort of real life commitment in return, pre-intercourse. Which would look like the other guy being single and you already being at least separated and living on your own. And that's still not much of a guarantee, because only after we hit it the first time do our brains begin functioning in terms of: Is this female worth committing too, baggage and all? You might as well get a divorce, and accept the solitary single life. If your husband's only in his forties he probably isn't as afraid of finding someone new. If you did him dirty, divorce him, let him marry some 36 year old broad and have a baby with her, maybe he can have a quality life. Don't be selfish if you were naughty.

 

[swtrthnhoney]

I realize that long terms are not about romance and sex, but I am not going to stay in a relationship just because I am afraid of being alone. That seems stupid to me. Women outlive men so I am going to be alone regardless in the end.
I never said I was looking for a new companion.
"It takes most women a while to figure out that you don't give up the vagina when you're seeking a relationship/connection without some sort of real life commitment in return, pre-intercourse." It seems like men take advantage of this as often as possible. So the fault doesn't only lie with the women. Just for gigglies what is your take on the other party and his playing around on his wife on the internet. Seems like he is just as much at fault. Thankfully, he is not my problem.