Sub in Control

[Trixabell]

Do any of the other subbies here get a little twinge of discomfort when reminded that you have the final say and thus the ultimate control?

I am not talking safety issues here, I know this statement is true in any safe D/s relationship and think safewords are a must. What I am wondering is, when you are reminded by your Dom that you have the ultimate control, what is your viseral reaction? Do you have conflicting emotions like me?

Doms, have you ever noticed your subbies getting quiet or reacting differently when this subject is mentioned?

 

[slowrimmer]

Do any of the other subbies here get a little twinge of discomfort when reminded that you have the final say and thus the ultimate control?

I am not talking safety issues here, I know this statement is true in any safe D/s relationship and think safewords are a must. What I am wondering is, when you are reminded by your Dom that you have the ultimate control, what is your viseral reaction? Do you have conflicting emotions like me?

Doms, have you ever noticed your subbies getting quiet or reacting differently when this subject is mentioned?

Interesting point. Obviously depends on the depths of peoples immersion I think. A lot of discussion early on in the relationship can give the PYL a good idea of how far they can go without inferring that the pyl is in ultimate control (interesting discussion on its own, who is really in control hehehee). I guess this is a way of skirting the issue a little, as yes, it does bring up conflicting emotions. I've had them and seen them.

An alternative to safe words are grades, I like two mainly. One getting close to the pyls limit and the other at or almost over it. Backing off at that point doesn't confer a loss of control, to me anyway.

 

[ecstaticsub]

I am a submissive, I no longer have a safeword, I don't have the ultimate control. True, I can always leave. But so can he. SO I don't see where I would have more control than him.

 

[satindesire]

Do any of the other subbies here get a little twinge of discomfort when reminded that you have the final say and thus the ultimate control?

I am not talking safety issues here, I know this statement is true in any safe D/s relationship and think safewords are a must. What I am wondering is, when you are reminded by your Dom that you have the ultimate control, what is your viseral reaction? Do you have conflicting emotions like me?

Doms, have you ever noticed your subbies getting quiet or reacting differently when this subject is mentioned?

Subs and Dom/mes have equal ultimate control and equal abilities to employ safewords. They have equal abilities to end the relationship because no matter what label we might give ourselves, ultimately we are still human beings with free will and NOTHING can change that.

Power exchange is an illusion. It's fun and a lifestyle that many people love, but it does NOT make us not human.

 

[kitten_candy]

I've never really given it much thought.

A relationship is a give and take, even if it is D/s. You say you dislike chinese food, he says he loves it. You find a compromise.

Not much different with D/s stuff: he says he wants his ass licked, you say you'd rather not. You find a way to make him happy.

Did this question come up because you were reminded you have the "ultimate control?" If yes, I wonder why it was brought up. I don't think anyone's ever been that direct with me about it.

 

[BiBunny]

I didn't realize I had ultimate control. I must be doing it wrong.

 

[kitten_candy]

I didn't realize I had ultimate control. I must be doing it wrong.

Get with the program.

 

[BiBunny]

Get with the program.

I'm always behind, I swear.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Do any of the other subbies here get a little twinge of discomfort when reminded that you have the final say and thus the ultimate control?

I am not talking safety issues here, I know this statement is true in any safe D/s relationship and think safewords are a must. What I am wondering is, when you are reminded by your Dom that you have the ultimate control, what is your viseral reaction? Do you have conflicting emotions like me?

Doms, have you ever noticed your subbies getting quiet or reacting differently when this subject is mentioned?

You feel safer believing all the control is in your Dom's hands. And when you really realize that it's a consensual arrangement, it makes you squirm, right?

Maybe your Dom realizes that this is a good way to get at you psychologically.

Did this question come up because you were reminded you have the "ultimate control?" If yes, I wonder why it was brought up. I don't think anyone's ever been that direct with me about it.

Yes, I'm curious about the context in which it was brought up, as well. Can you tell us more, Trixabell?

A relationship is a give and take, even if it is D/s. You say you dislike chinese food, he says he loves it. You find a compromise.

Not much different with D/s stuff: he says he wants his ass licked, you say you'd rather not. You find a way to make him happy.

So I guess slathering his ass with soy sauce first is a complete non-starter?

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I've never really given it much thought.

A relationship is a give and take, even if it is D/s. You say you dislike chinese food, he says he loves it. You find a compromise.

Not much different with D/s stuff: he says he wants his ass licked, you say you'd rather not. You find a way to make him happy.

Did this question come up because you were reminded you have the "ultimate control?" If yes, I wonder why it was brought up. I don't think anyone's ever been that direct with me about it.

He gets the chinese food and he gets his ass licked.

I do think that 'the sub having ultimate control' is a line made up to make some feel better about being submissive and to help some Doms get past the whole 'society taught me not to treat women this way' thing. It's going on my list, along with 'sisters in submission' and 'submission is a gift' as things that get my goat.

Like the others have said, both parties have that 'ultimate' control. Most of the time. I know there's a handful of relationships where that is not the case.

 

[LunachickXXX]

Do any of the other subbies here get a little twinge of discomfort when reminded that you have the final say and thus the ultimate control?

I am not talking safety issues here, I know this statement is true in any safe D/s relationship and think safewords are a must. What I am wondering is, when you are reminded by your Dom that you have the ultimate control, what is your viseral reaction? Do you have conflicting emotions like me?

Doms, have you ever noticed your subbies getting quiet or reacting differently when this subject is mentioned?

It really does depend on the depth of immersion. I'd imagine on one level, closer to the surface there's the fact that you're both independent beings afterall, and you still have free will and instincts despite all the training and practice in the sub-type role.

But if you go deeper, further from the reality of it all... it could be looked at as a way of reinforcing the Dom's power. They let you think you're in control, and if you truly believe everything they say...well, you're still on their leash but the leash is invisible now? Like a dog in an electric fence...he thinks nothing is there, he thinks he's free... but when he goes to test the limit (~like breaking out of the sub-role)...bam! The fence is still there. The whole experience could have the sub feeling a whole array of conflicting feelings.

 

[eastern sun]

The sub only has ultimate control if the dom allows it. And sometimes they do.

If you're looking for these relationships to give you a break from responsibility for yourself, your choices and your actions (which I've certainly done), you will probably be reminded at some point that you need to take responsibility for your own desires.

That's when I've felt that "twinge of discomfort."

I've wanted to be swept up into a fantasy of total uber-control by the "other" that could only be completely and utterly fulfilling if I never had to feel any question about what I was doing or thinking or feeling, ever.

My reality is much more commonplace. And usually my submission is based on my own constantly renewed desire to submit, renewed because it often hits obstacles like "you want me to do what!!?" or "I don't like that . . . at all" or "I'd really rather do x now" and in the face of all those moments, like forks in the road, I have to choose once again to submit.

In that sense, I do have control. In fact, that is fundamentally what I can control.

 

[Homburg]

I do think that 'the sub having ultimate control' is a line made up to make some feel better about being submissive and to help some Doms get past the whole 'society taught me not to treat women this way' thing. It's going on my list, along with 'sisters in submission' and 'submission is a gift' as things that get my goat.

This. Hell-goddamned-yes, this.

The person with the least to lose by ending the relationship is the one in control.

To the OP, if that bit of control bothers you, look into giving up your safeword. It may be the layer of illusion that you need removed for comfort.

 

[intothewoods]

He likes to remind me that he has the final say and I'm not the one ultimately in control. *shrug*

 

[Netzach]

The sub only has ultimate control if the dom allows it. And sometimes they do.

I'd argue that the sub sometimes has no control when the dom disallows it. And sometimes they do.

IE: it's much less commonplace. People talk about it all the time, but really it's a thought pattern in the submissive's mind. When it fails to be there, whether by their choice or by the Dominant's neglect of maintaining it - reality sets in.

 

[Trixabell]

Subs and Dom/mes have equal ultimate control and equal abilities to employ safewords. They have equal abilities to end the relationship because no matter what label we might give ourselves, ultimately we are still human beings with free will and NOTHING can change that.
Power exchange is an illusion. It's fun and a lifestyle that many people love, but it does NOT make us not human.

I do think that 'the sub having ultimate control' is a line made up to make some feel better about being submissive and to help some Doms get past the whole 'society taught me not to treat women this way' thing. It's going on my list, along with 'sisters in submission' and 'submission is a gift' as things that get my goat.
Like the others have said, both parties have that 'ultimate' control. Most of the time. I know there's a handful of relationships where that is not the case.

Equal abilites to end the relationship of course but my question pertains to scenes themselves. In my eyes, I am giving my control up to my Dom and to be reminded that I have fairly powerful control in that context creates the werid mix of emotions.

You feel safer believing all the control is in your Dom's hands. And when you really realize that it's a consensual arrangement, it makes you squirm, right?
Maybe your Dom realizes that this is a good way to get at you psychologically.

Yes, I'm curious about the context in which it was brought up, as well. Can you tell us more, Trixabell.

Yes I do feel safer but more than that it goes to the heart of why I am involved in this type of relationship. Giving up the control is the kink – shining light on the fact that its my choice does make me very squirmy.

I was desperate for the reinforcement. So in discussing the scene He commented that I ultimately I could end it at any time. Hearing the obvious stated gave that unsettled feeling.

The sub only has ultimate control if the dom allows it. And sometimes they do.
If you're looking for these relationships to give you a break from responsibility for yourself, your choices and your actions (which I've certainly done), you will probably be reminded at some point that you need to take responsibility for your own desires.
That's when I've felt that "twinge of discomfort."
I've wanted to be swept up into a fantasy of total uber-control by the "other" that could only be completely and utterly fulfilling if I never had to feel any question about what I was doing or thinking or feeling, ever.
My reality is much more commonplace. And usually my submission is based on my own constantly renewed desire to submit, renewed because it often hits obstacles like "you want me to do what!!?" or "I don't like that . . . at all" or "I'd really rather do x now" and in the face of all those moments, like forks in the road, I have to choose once again to submit.
In that sense, I do have control. In fact, that is fundamentally what I can control.

This is exactly how I have started to look at the control issue and become okay with it. It is my gift to Him, I want Him to have it, but once given I desperately need to feel that he has taken the reigns.

 

[Netzach]

I'm constantly reminded that whatever sexy hot submissive pervy thing I'm doing is something I bought the ticket to by my top - and that's hotter, actually. It forces me to confront my own desires in a squirmy way. No one forced me or is forcing me, I must like it.

 

[the captians wench]

He likes to remind me that he has the final say and I'm not the one ultimately in control. *shrug*

Me too.

I've never experienced some one "reminding" me that I had any sort of control. I don't think I'd like it.

 

[kitten_candy]

I'm constantly reminded that whatever sexy hot submissive pervy thing I'm doing is something I bought the ticket to by my top - and that's hotter, actually. It forces me to confront my own desires in a squirmy way. No one forced me or is forcing me, I must like it.

this is so true.

i might protest, weep, rail against, cry and scream that i do not want to open my mouth and drink his piss (or whatever submissive pervy thing it is) but ultimately, there i am, kneeling and looking up at him, hot and happy that i've done this ungodly disgusting thing.

he didn't tie me up, he didn't grab me by the hair and force me. he simply reminded me i entered in to this "special" relationship willingly.

 

[ataxia.girl]

The person with the least to lose by ending the relationship is the one in control.

Exactly

i might put it a bit differently... like the one most willing to let the other walk away if they don't get their way which is basically my Daddy. He just does NOT give in... period. i can walk away till the cows come home he is not giving in. i always come back.

Perhaps that is because i have more to lose. i don't know. i just know i need him even if he's just as annoying as my real father is.

There is no way around this.

 

[BiBunny]

Yay, ataxia girl sighting!

 

[ataxia.girl]

Yay, ataxia girl sighting!

Hee

 

[eastern sun]

This is exactly how I have started to look at the control issue and become okay with it. It is my gift to Him, I want Him to have it, but once given I desperately need to feel that he has taken the reigns.[/B]

I don't see the renewal of submission as "a gift to Him," any more than I see the renewal of a library book as a gift to the library. I simply need to take an action to insure that I will be able to keep reading the book that I haven't finished yet.

Maybe I could buy the idea that submission is a "gift" to me. Something I give myself in order to bring me happiness, and bring me closer to myself. I am more beautiful and much nicer to be around when I am at my most submissive. (I don't believe that is gender-based, by the way. Just an individual matter.)

I chose a dominant partner because we fit together well. He chose someone he can't fully control because that's something he likes to wrestle with. It scratches an itch that he needs to satisfy. Both of us feel more whole in this relationship because these aspects of ourselves find expression.

But my internal journey, like that library book, is so unfinished, I have to keep renewing it every day, in every stage life offers, not as a perpetual "gift to the other," but as an experience of my own, in which I am so lucky to have him as a companion and travelling buddy.

And what does this have to do with "subs in control"? In reality, I am never totally in control of our relationship, and neither is he (at least for more than a few months). External and internal realities intrude, like rocks in the creek bed. And we both have to adapt to their sudden appearance.

Through all of it, we are both relating to each other in ways that bring power to the foreground, ways that make the power dynamics explicit. We play with power, and the dynamics we have in place give us a framework for our interactions, like rules in a game.

And we do it because we love it. Even when it isn't working. It's so deeply embedded in our sexuality, it will be expressed whether we try for it or not.

 

[Bette_coquette]

I don't see the renewal of submission as "a gift to Him," any more than I see the renewal of a library book as a gift to the library. I simply need to take an action to insure that I will be able to keep reading the book that I haven't finished yet.

Maybe I could buy the idea that submission is a "gift" to me. Something I give myself in order to bring me happiness, and bring me closer to myself. I am more beautiful and much nicer to be around when I am at my most submissive. (I don't believe that is gender-based, by the way. Just an individual matter.)

I chose a dominant partner because we fit together well. He chose someone he can't fully control because that's something he likes to wrestle with. It scratches an itch that he needs to satisfy. Both of us feel more whole in this relationship because these aspects of ourselves find expression.

But my internal journey, like that library book, is so unfinished, I have to keep renewing it every day, in every stage life offers, not as a perpetual "gift to the other," but as an experience of my own, in which I am so lucky to have him as a companion and travelling buddy.

And what does this have to do with "subs in control"? In reality, I am never totally in control of our relationship, and neither is he (at least for more than a few months). External and internal realities intrude, like rocks in the creek bed. And we both have to adapt to their sudden appearance.

Through all of it, we are both relating to each other in ways that bring power to the foreground, ways that make the power dynamics explicit. We play with power, and the dynamics we have in place give us a framework for our interactions, like rules in a game.

And we do it because we love it. Even when it isn't working. It's so deeply embedded in our sexuality, it will be expressed whether we try for it or not.

I think I love you.

 

[Homburg]

I don't see the renewal of submission as "a gift to Him," any more than I see the renewal of a library book as a gift to the library. I simply need to take an action to insure that I will be able to keep reading the book that I haven't finished yet.

Maybe I could buy the idea that submission is a "gift" to me. Something I give myself in order to bring me happiness, and bring me closer to myself. I am more beautiful and much nicer to be around when I am at my most submissive. (I don't believe that is gender-based, by the way. Just an individual matter.)

I chose a dominant partner because we fit together well. He chose someone he can't fully control because that's something he likes to wrestle with. It scratches an itch that he needs to satisfy. Both of us feel more whole in this relationship because these aspects of ourselves find expression.

But my internal journey, like that library book, is so unfinished, I have to keep renewing it every day, in every stage life offers, not as a perpetual "gift to the other," but as an experience of my own, in which I am so lucky to have him as a companion and travelling buddy.

And what does this have to do with "subs in control"? In reality, I am never totally in control of our relationship, and neither is he (at least for more than a few months). External and internal realities intrude, like rocks in the creek bed. And we both have to adapt to their sudden appearance.

Through all of it, we are both relating to each other in ways that bring power to the foreground, ways that make the power dynamics explicit. We play with power, and the dynamics we have in place give us a framework for our interactions, like rules in a game.

And we do it because we love it. Even when it isn't working. It's so deeply embedded in our sexuality, it will be expressed whether we try for it or not.

I'm glad we share the same planet. Thank you.