Dating an Ex

[PertPerth]

As the title says, I'm looking for a little advice. How do you date someone for the second time around, with out falling back into the same situation which caused you to break up in the first place?

My situation, like most peoples, is a little complicated. I was actually about to get the courage to ask someone else out (though he's most likely not interested, which is why I've not done anything about it. I'm okay with that) and he's just broken up with another girl, so I don't want to be his re-bound girl for the second time.

We met through the internet about 3 years ago, and dated for about 6 months. We got along well, but had a huge fight (email one) and years later he later admitted that he wasn't over his ex when we dated. We have both dated other people since we broke up.
He asked me to have a drink with him, which he's been asking for the last couple of weeks, and I agreed to see him last night. It was nice, I really enjoyed his company.

BUT, I don't want him to break my heart. My life is far too busy for another complication, but it would be silly of me to not take an opportunity to get to know him again, as I thought we were quite well suited.

Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks in advance
PP

 

[silverwhisper]

honestly? i would suggest talking with him about this. be honest with yourself: what are you after this time? does it differ from last time? and how has he changed?

because it sounds to me like it's precisely the same situation. the last time around, he wasn't over his ex, so he was rebounding.

ed

 

[subwannabe]

It's not an impossible situation but more than likely you will wind up like you did before. If you're going to continue, my advice is to go into it not expecting anything.

 

[PertPerth]

Thanks. I really needed to hear that. I'd like to keep him as a friend, but not if he expects anything more.

 

[Epmd607]

As the title says, I'm looking for a little advice. How do you date someone for the second time around, with out falling back into the same situation which caused you to break up in the first place?

My situation, like most peoples, is a little complicated. I was actually about to get the courage to ask someone else out (though he's most likely not interested, which is why I've not done anything about it. I'm okay with that) and he's just broken up with another girl, so I don't want to be his re-bound girl for the second time.

We met through the internet about 3 years ago, and dated for about 6 months. We got along well, but had a huge fight (email one) and years later he later admitted that he wasn't over his ex when we dated. We have both dated other people since we broke up.
He asked me to have a drink with him, which he's been asking for the last couple of weeks, and I agreed to see him last night. It was nice, I really enjoyed his company.

BUT, I don't want him to break my heart. My life is far too busy for another complication, but it would be silly of me to not take an opportunity to get to know him again, as I thought we were quite well suited.

Thoughts? Advice?
Thanks in advance
PP

Don't let him bone you. He might just want to bone, and if you don't just want that you'll be bummed when he doesn't call you the next day.

 

[Noor]

Don't let him bone you. He might just want to bone, and if you don't just want that you'll be bummed when he doesn't call you the next day.

I wouldn't "date" him. Be friends with him first and see how that goes. If it goes okay for a while, like 6 months or so, then consider dating him.

I agree not to have any sex with him unless all you want is to get laid.

Also ask that other guy out! the worse he can do is say no, right?

 

[fuckmeat]

So was there flirting when you had a drink together or did you both keep it strictly platonic? If he was flirting with you, you can wait for him to make a move and ask about more, then express your concerns about being his rebound girl again. If he's got any sense, he must be thinking the same things you are. He may even have decided that you'd never go out with him again so there's no point in him asking.

Like others have said, keep it as friends for now and see how he's adjusting to being single again. Some people just can't handle being on their own and that can lead them to repeatedly make bad choices. Don't make yourself too available as a friend, keep it casual. If he wants more, he'll have to ask for it and then you can have the discussion about what went wrong the last time.

 

[PertPerth]

Don't let him bone you. He might just want to bone, and if you don't just want that you'll be bummed when he doesn't call you the next day.

I had no intention of jumping into bed with him! For those who haven't read all my other posts (years ago now!) This was the first guy I had sex with in 8 years....I've now not had sex for 2 years (I had a boyfriend after him though) but haven't had sex since my surgery (I guess I'm sort of 'saving myself' for someone who cares about me more!)

So was there flirting when you had a drink together or did you both keep it strictly platonic? If he was flirting with you, you can wait for him to make a move and ask about more, then express your concerns about being his rebound girl again. If he's got any sense, he must be thinking the same things you are. He may even have decided that you'd never go out with him again so there's no point in him asking.

Like others have said, keep it as friends for now and see how he's adjusting to being single again. Some people just can't handle being on their own and that can lead them to repeatedly make bad choices. Don't make yourself too available as a friend, keep it casual. If he wants more, he'll have to ask for it and then you can have the discussion about what went wrong the last time.

That's good advice, thanks. My life is pretty hectic at the moment, and I'd like to have him as a friend.

He's always flirted with me via email...he's not much of a flirt in person (a little shy that way). He walked me to my car, but there wasn't any kiss or anything, just a very quick peck on the cheek like I do with all my friends.

Thanks everyone

 

[Erryn_Silver]

It always depends on how you broke up. If you broke up mutually as friends or because of circumstances, it's usuaaly not that hard to date again.

But since you broke up fighting, there may be issues. My best suggestion is start as friends, and if anything happens, it happens, but don't let him in as easy as you did last time.

A second chance needs to be earned.

 

[PertPerth]

A second chance needs to be earned.

Indeed it does!
I'm going out with him again tonight. I'm not sure what to expect as I've already told him that "While I enjoy your company, I have no intention of being your re-bound girl for the second time.".
Only time will tell, and fortunately for me, it's not my personality to rush.

 

[subgirl2]

Indeed it does!
I'm going out with him again tonight. I'm not sure what to expect as I've already told him that "While I enjoy your company, I have no intention of being your re-bound girl for the second time.".
Only time will tell, and fortunately for me, it's not my personality to rush.

Sounds like you are doing everything right. Keep it up and good luck. I hope it turns out the way you want it to but be careful of him, don't leave yourself open so he can break your heart.

 

[fgarvb1]

I have never , ever dated an ex-wife.

I did have Hot monkey sex a few times with one of them. I do due diligence about trying to make a relationship work and if it doesn't well...it's not going to work the second or third time around either.

An ex-girlfriend yes, because we both know it's not going be more than having a good time and screwing our brains out.

 

[nfrrdscnnr1]

general rule

As a general rule, consider the probability that the "thing" that led to the fights and breakup before is still present unless one or both of you did some hard work with some help from a counselor. Without knowing details it is hard to say but fighting via emails seems to be a problem when one or both could have said "this relationship is too valuable to do down the drain over email differences of opinion."

 

[BongoGal]

I haven't 'dated' any ex-bfs, mostly because we both know that we tried that and that it didn't work out. The ones with whom I have had amicable break-ups have occasionally turned into ex-bfs with benefits. If I am single and feel the urge to get laid, and they are willing, why not? It's certainly less complicated than going out and starting a sexual relationship with someone I don't know yet, and it is definitely much quicker. Heck, I happen to know that I could right now call a certain ex-bf who lives about a mile away and tell him that I'm taking a lunch break at 1pm and that he'd be welcome to join me and that barring any time constraint on his part, he'd be knocking on my door at 1pm. By 1:05pm he'd be face-first between my legs. (He is quite eager to please in that regard.) When lunch hour is over, we'd go on our merry ways with a smile and a "see ya 'round".

The only time this has ever been a problem was when I found out that an ex-bf I hooked up with wasn't the single guy I thought (and he said) he was. He wasn't married, but he was in a relationship. It's weird; I invited him over and the sex was incredible, but I later felt used and betrayed. I never spoke to him again.