What does a dom risk?

[BLoved]

And I believe a submissive is responsible for more in the relationship than just weeding out loons and choosing the one s/he submits to. S/he is responsible for the relationship to stay functional, for letting the dominant party know if s/he sees something is about to go very wrong and also for dealing with the consequences of things gone wrong. Just to name a few. I know that you don't agree with this, at least based on what you replied to me in your previous post, so we can just agree to disagree.

As I said in the OP and in the "previous post":

He must listen to and understand his beloved, being willing to reconsider decisions or positions as a result of listening to her thoughts and feelings.

I have stressed many times the need for communication.

No, a claim of BDSM shouldn't grant immunity and I wouldn't limit a submissive's right to charge his/her abuser. But a dom could be charged with many things BDSM even if there was no abuse at all, at least here where I live. That was my point.

Unless bdsm is being conducted in front of a police officer/etc, I do not see how anyone is going to be charged unless it is the submissive who calls the police.

Unless you are saying that an abuser faces criminal prosecution for abuse, and that this is the risk a 'dom' takes, I fail to see your concern.

 

[seela]

Unless bdsm is being conducted in front of a police officer/etc, I do not see how anyone is going to be charged unless it is the submissive who calls the police.

Unless you are saying that an abuser faces criminal prosecution for abuse, and that this is the risk a 'dom' takes, I fail to see your concern.

Here assault is under public prosecution and a dom could be charged even if the submissive doesn't call the police. And playing with knives leaves actually no wiggle room, it's always a case under public prosecution.

And even if the charges were dismissed (is that the term used in legal context, I have no idea), I don't think that being charged will do any good for the dom in question in the first place.

From the legal point of view a dominant risks a whole lot more than a submissive. There are some crazy subs going around, too, so you never know what they might do when the relationship ends, if it ends less than amicably.

 

[BLoved]

From the legal point of view a dominant risks a whole lot more than a submissive. There are some crazy subs going around, too, so you never know what they might do when the relationship ends, if it ends less than amicably.

Assuming there are crazy subs, can we not also say there are crazy doms too?

How much more dangerous is a crazy dom to a sub?

With a crazy sub the dom might be charged.

With a crazy dom the sub might end up dead.

The risks a submissive takes seem greater than those of a dom, especially a one-night stand dom.

 

[seela]

Assuming there are crazy subs, can we not also say there are crazy doms too?

How much more dangerous is a crazy dom to a sub?

With a crazy sub the dom might be charged.

With a crazy dom the sub might end up dead.

The risks a submissive takes seem greater than those of a dom, especially a one-night stand dom.

I believe everyone is well capable of making their own decisions on this matter and assessing the risks. If they doubt their capability to make such decisions, then BDSM probably isn't for them, at least not before some serious soul searching. If they feel uncomfortable submitting to or dominating somebody then they probably shouldn't do it. There are no hard set rules that everyone could follow and be happy.

 

[BLoved]

I believe everyone is well capable of making their own decisions on this matter and assessing the risks.

That would depend upon whether all the risks are presented honestly or not, don't you think?

And not everyone is equally capable of detecting fraud.

Some people are more trusting than others ... some people are more paranoid than others.

Each can lead to undesirable consequences.

 

[WriterDom]

Speaking of risks, has anyone heard from BLoved's 33 night stand sub? What does she look like in case we see her picture on the side of a milk carton in Quebec?

 

[seela]

That would depend upon whether all the risks are presented honestly or not, don't you think?

And not everyone is equally capable of detecting fraud.

Some people are more trusting than others ... some people are more paranoid than others.

Each can lead to undesirable consequences.

Let's imagine a new, fragile female submissive wants to start exploring the vast and frightening world of BDSM. Even though she has never experienced BDSM first hand, she probably has an idea of what she likes. Because she most likely is not a complete moron (because most people aren't), she can grasp the idea on her own that there are risks in BDSM, even if nobody particularly presents them to her. But because our fragile female submissive most certainly is not a moron, she will go online and buy books and educate herself even more about the risks behind the activities. And thus, our fragile female submissive has been presented the risks.

I think each and everyone knows that breath play is dangerous, that letting a stranger tie you up in a place where no other people are around is dangerous, that meeting a stranger in a private place where no other people are around is rangerous etc. It isn't rocket science, really. I think everyone who stops and thinks about what BDSM activities they are interested in also are capable of assessing the risks behind said activities. After that they probably want to find even more info on that, and because most people aren't complete morons they will be just fine.

Some people are more paranoid than others, some people are more trusting than others, some people cannot for the life of them tell apart a sane person from an insane one. But an average person can make their own decisions and doesn't need their hand held through every single life event. Most people are well capable of taking care of themselves in a BDSM setting and everything should not be adjusted to the level of those less capable.

If you're going to point out doms lying about their experience and so on, I don't see how that is different to any other person lying about whatever in a normal vanilla life. If a sub is worried that a dom might be lying, then it's probably better to steer clear from the said dom. Simple as that. If your gut says run, then you run. And the same goes for doms as well.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Dealing with emotions
By miria hunter
The perfect Dominant will keep you safe from harm: both physical and emotional. He will also keep you from any kind of discomfort, be it being too cold or too hot. He will heal all your ills and make your life perfect. All of your needs and wants will be fulfilled, even before you know you need or want something.

Sounds ideal, doesn't it? Well in theory, it is. However, Dominants are people to. Like anyone else, they will make mistakes, upset you, and sometimes even disappoint you. What do you do when that pedestal they are on gets a little lower to the ground? How do you express what you are feeling? What do you do? The answer is as simple as understanding human emotions.

Every emotion has a different way to be expressed. Love is one of the easiest emotions that can be expressed to our Dominants. We all seem to know how to do that instinctively. As we get to know Them, we learn Their likes and dislikes and learn to enhance on what They enjoy. In doing this, we also learn how to express ourselves and become aware of when such emotion is appropriate and when it is not. No matter who we are though, we expect certain things in return from the Dominant. When our needs are not met, we tend to become angry or hurt.

Ok: you’re angry with your Dominant - what do you say, and how do you say it and still maintain your proper place? One of the first things that should have been established in the beginning of your relationship is a way to communicate as equals, with no fear of retribution. Master and i call these “time outs”. Once i ask Him if we can speak freely, i can say whatever is on my mind. That does not mean i can explode and say anything i want. i still have to maintain respect. When considering what to say, first decide what is truly important and what is merely being said out of anger. If it is possible, take time to seriously consider this aspect before you agree to enter into a conversation. Talking when you are calmer will keep you from saying things you may regret later. Words said in anger sometimes can never be forgiven or taken back. It is also very important that you have the Dominant’s full attention when you talk. If i feel it is important enough to bring up to my Master, i feel i deserve His full attention. If He is not totally focused on what i am saying, my anger builds, and this is where trouble usually starts.
Dominants please note: if it is important enough for your submissive or slave to talk to You about something, listen to what they have to say. Do not placate them or minimize their feelings no matter how trivial You may think they are. Something has upset Your sub and by listening and acting on this, You will gain more respect and be less likely to repeat the action which brought about the conflict.

What if it is not anger but fear you are feeling? Perhaps your Dominant said He wants to do something specific in the next scene. The action is not a hard limit, but the idea terrifies you. Inform your Dominant beforehand of what you are feeling. Over time, and if done slowly, fear can and will usually evaporate. i am very claustrophobic. The first time my Master mentioned total bondage, i was terrified; afraid i would freak out and embarrass us both. Even in my sleep, if my legs feel trapped by anything, i will wake up hitting and kicking to get them free. i talked with Master about these issues, and we took things very slow. When this issue arises now, He constantly talks to and touches me. As a result of His care, I feel very safe, and my fears evaporate. That is not to say that I do not still feel some fear if He moves away for a second. I still do, but i know He will return shortly. your Dominant is the one person you should trust above all others to help you over come your fears. After all, we want our Dominants not fear to rule our lives. Unless you talk with your Dominant and let Him know your fears, He will not know how to take corrective measures to minimize them. If left for you only to deal with, your fear will turn to anxiety, and the anxiety to anger directed at your Dominant for having put you into that position.

In short, to be human is to experience emotions. Your emotions are a very real and telling side of yourself. Unless you share these feelings with your Dominant, you are only giving a part of you away. How can you then expect Him to totally care for you, when you have held back such an important part of yourself? In the end, honest and open communication is the key to any relationship. Be it Vanilla, D/s, or any other type of relationship.

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/miria_hunter_emotions.html

 

[sb2009]

Lots of people put thier trust where it does not belong - a friend who has had too much to drink; a chair that has a wobbly leg; a serving of crab salad at a buffet that is a day off - it's part of life.

So there are dicks out there. Assholes. Total jerks of either gender. It doesn't mean that a bdsm group (like Black Rose around here) is full of them and it's a big rape fest going to an event. A big rape fest filled with rapist men and victim-subs, I might add.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

ROSE COLORED GLASSES

The term “rose colored glasses” refers to seeing what you wish to see rather than what is before you. It is a form of denial.

Sometimes when we want something or someone badly enough we will look past the warts that are obvious to everyone around us and see prince charming or princess perfect.

Rose colored glasses taint relationships and create tensions and dishonesty. It is unfair to expect another to conform to the perceptions others try to push upon them.

In the BDSM world these glasses can be destructive in several ways. When we accept a submissive who wants more in the way of D/s or S/M than we have an interest in, we are already looking at them with eyes that look past the info provided and begin to envision molding them to accept less than their needs. When they look back at us knowing that we have no or little interest in fulfilling their needs they are also in denial.

Rose colored glasses will generally leave at least one of the parties feeling cheated or fooled.

In the BDSM world both submissives and dominants can be so devastated by reality when the glasses come off that there is a real danger they will turn their backs on the lifestyle for a very long time.

In the BDSM world it is incredibly important to always look through the eyes of reality and honesty. If we choose to wear the glasses out of desperation or excitement we are also making an unconscious decision to court emotional disaster.

Occasionally we make a bad decision and choose a submissive that will never be all we require. Just as often that same submissive has chosen us with the vague hope we will become who they desire. A recipe for an unfulfilling vanilla lifestyle is looming on the horizon if some really hard work and blunt honesty does not occur.



Beginning a BDSM relationship with Rose Colored Glasses leads to...

Second Thoughts

Second thoughts often run randomly throughout BDSM relationships. Many dominants just walk away in frustration when disobedience is constant and questioning is never ending. They begin to second guess their abilities to choose a compatible play/love mate.

Just as many submissives have second thoughts every day wondering if there really is any reality strong enough to fulfill their needs and desires. They often lose hope when dishonesty meets their vulnerability.

Second thoughts left to fester are always destructive but those same thoughts faced head on and discussed in honesty are the breeding grounds for hope and progress.

Small doubts can open new doors and be the beginning of new techniques or the desire to try new mind fucks. Larger doubts or consistent erosions of the natural flow between the dominant and submissive do not make me question my domination but they can cause me to question my choice of a partner.

It often troubles me to see others walk away from this lifestyle (even temporarily) because of the doubts caused by the interaction between them and their BDSM partner that is less than they perceived it would or should be.

Doubt within a relationship should be greeted not as unsolvable problems, but as opportunities for growth. I would suggest that working on the doubts as they come up rather than sweeping them under the carpet and hoping they will take care of themselves can turn a negative into a positive.

Running from them actually increases self doubt and adds to the doubts of the partner as well. Even doubting the validity of a relationship and making excuses for hanging on weakens each of the partners but letting go in honesty can add strength to what once was between them.

The complexities of life are stunning in their fragile beauty!

http://sagacitygroup.net/main/knowledge/thoughts/rosecoloredglasses

 

[BLoved]

she will go online and buy books and educate herself even more about the risks behind the activities.

And when she goes online and only finds material on casual 'bdsm', and she buys the books and they only deal with casual 'bdsm', and she is not informed of the risk of emotional abuse or the manner in which it will affect her, what then?

Sixty years ago anyone trying to learn about the risks of smoking would have found nothing.

Were they "morons" or were they misled?

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

And when she goes online and only finds material on casual 'bdsm', and she buys the books and they only deal with casual 'bdsm', and she is not informed of the risk of emotional abuse or the manner in which it will affect her, what then?

D/s and emotional abuse
There are four types of abuse: neglect, sexual, physical and emotional. While many of us know all about sexual or physical abuse and have a good understanding of neglect, most of us have no clue of the emotional abuse that exists in the lifestyle, and we see it everyday. It exists in large quantities, in many of the relationships people look to as "models" of how to behave.

The following are some of the signs of emotional abuse:
* They constantly call, text-message, e-mail, IM, etc. to check up on you.
* They are extremely jealous when you talk to or spend time with other people.
* They call you names or put you down, either when you're alone or with other people.
* They go behind your back to talk about things with other people, sabotaging relationships. * They make statements like, "I can't live without you. If you leave me, I'll kill myself."
* You feel depressed, anxious, and unhappy in your relationship with them.
* You're scared to upset or make your partner angry.
* You've seen your partner hurt or talk down to other people.
* You're down on yourself, or even hate yourself, especially when you're together.
* You don't spend as much time with your friends, and you feel isolated.
I know you have seen or experienced some of these, maybe many of them. And before you go saying this is just for submissives, I have been in an emotional abusive relationship before, and the "submissive" was the one doing the abusing. Many passive aggressive people are emotionally abusive and don't even realize they are doing it, so look to your own behavior, do you do any of that? Do you know someone who is with an emotional abuser, send them a link to this article to read, maybe they will get the hint.

Most forms of abuse are about control, which means we in the lifestyle have to be especially wary that we, as dominants or submissives, are not abusive. Most will agree there are a large number of people in this lifestyle for the wrong reasons, many need to take a long honest look at themselves.
We cannot make people change, some will always be abusers, some will always be victims, but we can point it out and let them see it, and then they can make the choice to change themselves or to live with their choice.
Know the warning signs, the red flags, no one can keep you safe but you.

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/emotional_abuse.html

Abuse and Safety In BDSM

Author: Crimson Lord © 1999

In any relationship these things can happen: Sexual, Physical, Emotional, Financial, Verbal and Mental ABUSE. Inside the home when someone tries to control you by bullying, bashing, threatening, name calling, harassing, frightening and isolating you, it is called DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. This behavior is not acceptable. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Abusive relationships go through stages. There is a period where tension builds up. It's like walking on eggshells all the time. You are extremely careful to make everything right - but no matter what you do, the abuser still finds something to go off about. An abusive event happens. Then follows a period free of violence - the honeymoon phase. The abuser is sorry, making promises not to do it again, and maybe buying gifts for you. You become hopeful that this time the abuser really means it. However the tension starts to build again and the cycle gets repeated. We know that over time, the violence will get worse and the abuse will happen more often. The fairest way to stop the cycle and the abuse is for the abuser to change. But mostly the abused have to stop it by leaving the relationship.
NO EXCUSES. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE ABUSED.

So how can you tell if it is abuse?

If any of the following is happening, you are probably being abused.
1. You are scared or frightened...of someone who lives or has lived with you?
2. You are being put down by someone who says they "love" you?
3. Are you always being told you are stupid; that it's your fault; that if you had not done something, you wouldn't have been hit, that no one would be mad at you?
4. Do you feel you can't have your friends around because you're not sure how your partner will handle it, or because your partner embarrasses you?
5. Do you always feel tired, worn out and confused?
6. Is your partner sometimes nice for a while, then the tension and violence starts again?
7. Do you feel like you are living with a "Jekyll and Hyde" - one "face" for others and one for you?
8. Do you dream that your partner will soon die and it will all stop?
9. Are you no longer sure of what's going on in your life?
You don't need to experience all of these to be abused. If some of these things are happening - you are at risk. Go and talk to someone about it.

Remember everything we do in this lifestyle is CONSENSUAL; if it isn't CONSENSUAL on your part, it is ABUSE. Pure and simple, no grey areas, if something is happening which you have not given your consent, and doesn't stop when requested, it is ABUSE.

There is no divine Dominant's right, or, in some cases, submissive's right, to ABUSE. And the old "You aren't a good submissive if you don't...." , "You are a weak submissive if you....", "If you aren't a true submissive because...." DON'T APPLY.

When it comes to something which you don't feel comfortable, something you specifically negotiated not to be part of your submission and/or something you haven't consented to, it becomes ABUSE. Run don't walk to the nearest exit.

Abusers have a happy knack of making you feel it is YOUR fault. You are the one to blame. IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. AND YOU ARE BLAMELESS. You have the right as a human being to be treated with respect, to retain your self-worth and your dignity.

More's the pity but there seems to be an element who assume a submissive has absolutely no rights whatsoever and this is totally and utterly wrong. You have the right to say NO whenever it suits you as does the Dominant and that right MUST be accepted and honored. Say NO to ABUSE and say it loud.

http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/crimsonlordabuse.htm

Some Signs Of Abuse and Abusers

Author: Raven Shadowborne © Apr. 28, 1999

Some of the things which take place in a BDSM relationship can be easily confused and mistaken for acts of abuse. It is often difficult to discern the difference between a dominant and an abuser in a lifestyle which is so varied and contains many different ways of living it. But, there are a few things which can help a person to decide if the person they are going to meet is an abusive person.

A person who becomes possessive of someone they hardly know could very well be an abusive person. This possession may not be very overt or it might be extremely overt. from this feeling of possessing someone comes a few tactics that abusers use to keep their "possession".


First there is isolating someone. Preventing someone from speaking with other people, meeting with other people, or in any way interacting with others. Most abusers isolate their victims because it is then easier to keep the victim in control. Such isolation will foster a sense that the person has no where to turn and no way out. Once isolation is completed, the victim is then in a position where they will more readily believe they deserve whatever comes next and they can't escape it. Healthy people involved in BDSM will not isolate their partners.

Second comes the degeneration of the victim's self esteem. This is usually started in subtle ways, but increases in frequency and intensity as time goes on. Belittling the victim over and over creates a mindset in the victim of they deserve it and they can't escape it.

Other signs of a possible abuser is a person that goes too far at a first meeting or completely disregards any and all limits the sub may place on the meeting. Also, a person that refuses to accept limits or safe words in a new relationship could very well be someone that is not completely honorable and may be abusive.

It is important to determine your prospective partners view of the opposite sex. One who views all members of the opposite sex in an extremely derogatory manner may have a problem.

These are the signs of what some people consider to be an abusive person and are things which you should be on the lookout for when discussing meeting people from online. They apply equally to dom or sub and male or female. Again, you are responsible for your own safety so better to be safe than sorry.

http://www.leathernroses.com/abuse/ravensignsabuse.htm

http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj62/bdsmlibrarian/noticelibrary2.jpg

Abuse/Domestic Violence

2002

sometimes not sure ... and i'm searching...

A victim of rape as a submissive

Abuse, help for victims and issues related

Domestic Violence and Being Whipped

on childhood sexual abuse and desire for bondage/submission

2003

Are slaves...... xref'd to Submission Section

2004

other people's messes

Does Abuse Lead Into Submission?

More than a 4-letter word

2005

Is it abuse or just BDSM?

A case study in power, control and abuse

2007

What's the difference ?

perceptions of abuse

Abuse: is there such a thing in the 'lifestyle'?

Anally raped to within a nanometre of my worthless little life.

2008

I have finally deduced the true meaning of abuse

How much are you willing to take or do for your PYL???

Since we talked about abuse and BDSM lately



http://i269.photobucket.com/albums/jj62/bdsmlibrarian/whitetag.jpg

 

[BLoved]

Peer pressure refers to the influence exerted by a peer group in encouraging a person to change his or her attitudes, values, or behavior in order to conform to group norms. Social groups affected include membership groups, when the individual is "formally" a member (for example, political party, trade union), or a social clique. A person affected by peer pressure may or may not want to belong to these groups. They may also recognize dissociative groups with which they would not wish to associate, and thus they behave adversely concerning that group's behaviors.[citation needed] Peer pressure can cause people to do things they would not normally do, e.g. promote hatred, take drugs, smoke, get a girlfriend, marry, get a job, have children, buy items they don't really need (cars, houses, boats), etc.

-- Peer Pressure - Wikipedia

--

Bad peer pressure is being coerced into doing something that you didn't want to do because your friends said that you should. Friends have a tendency to think that they know what is best for you, and if your friends are like some of ours, they always offer their opinion whether it is wanted or not Well, if friends are going to tell you what to do, what can you do about it? The most basic thing that you can do is to say "No, I don't wish to do that!" or if you want to do it, say "Yes, give me a try!"

For instance, if one of your friends offered you a cigarette, you might say "No, that just doesn't interest me." But being able to say no may not be the problem; the real problem arises when your friends repeatedly ask you to do something. This is where you have to be able to say to yourself, "I made a decision and I truly feel that my decision was the correct one", and then be able to express that repeatedly to all of your friends, and have enough respect for yourself to stand up and not give in. This seems like a difficult task, doesn't it? It takes a tremendous amount of will power to be able to stand up to the people that you know, trust, and respect ... your friends.

One of the major problems with peer pressure occurs when you get sucked into something that you really didn't want to do and subsequently, become addicted to it. Usually, people get backed into a situation to try illegal drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes and more times than not, these behaviors can become habit forming.

If and when someone comes up and offers you one of these substances, it is your decision whether you want to try or continue to use these substances. You should be prepared to make these decisions and to make a good decision you must be educated on that topic. For instance, say you were going to buy a stereo. You wouldn't just go out and pick the one that looked nice, you probably would go to the library and look into it. You might do some research in a few magazines, ask a few friends what they thought, go to the store and listen to each stereo through multiple speakers and finally make an educated decision. Before engaging in a specific situation, you should take the time to read about each one and the possible drawbacks before you decide to try or not to try anything.

Our reasoning behind not telling you what to do with each decision is because through out school, we were always told "Say NO to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes." You see, we may have always been taught other people's opinions. We think that it is better that one finds out what will happen, how it will happen, and get whatever information that you need to make an educated decision. So, arm yourself with wisdom and knowledge and some decision making skills, so you can live your own life and finally accept the consequences of doing or not doing something.

-- Peer Pressure

 

[CutieMouse]

And when she goes online and only finds material on casual 'bdsm', and she buys the books and they only deal with casual 'bdsm', and she is not informed of the risk of emotional abuse or the manner in which it will affect her, what then?

Are you saying that you believe submissive persons are so weak minded, so weak willed, that they are incapable of approaching readings/online forums/books about BDSM with the attitude of "take what works, ignore the rest"? I spent several years reading, asking questions, and researching BDSM. did it prevent me from making the very common mistakes everyone makes re: relationships (kinky or not)? Nope. Did that reading and research change my foundational ethics or morals and turn me into the one-night-stand queen? Nope. No one can talk me into doing anything I'm not already okay with; I propose that the vast majority of submissives are of a similar mindset.

Your comments imply the only BDSM writers out there besides you are working their little behinds off to encourage poor defenseless little submissives to enter the "scene" like lambs to the slaughter; however, it doesn't take much to find well respected, published authors discussing long term relationships with a BDSM dynamic:

The Loving Dominant - by John & Libby Warren (a couple who has been together since 1992)

Partners in Power : Living in Kinky Relationships - by Jack Rinella (a man who has been in a relationship for 10 years. More of Rinella's writings can be found here.)

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Peer pressure refers to the influence exerted by a peer group in encouraging a person to change his or her attitudes, values, or behavior in order to conform to group norms. Social groups affected include membership groups, when the individual is "formally" a member (for example, political party, trade union), or a social clique. A person affected by peer pressure may or may not want to belong to these groups. They may also recognize dissociative groups with which they would not wish to associate, and thus they behave adversely concerning that group's behaviors.[citation needed] Peer pressure can cause people to do things they would not normally do, e.g. promote hatred, take drugs, smoke, get a girlfriend, marry, get a job, have children, buy items they don't really need (cars, houses, boats), etc.

-- Peer Pressure - Wikipedia

--

Bad peer pressure is being coerced into doing something that you didn't want to do because your friends said that you should. Friends have a tendency to think that they know what is best for you, and if your friends are like some of ours, they always offer their opinion whether it is wanted or not Well, if friends are going to tell you what to do, what can you do about it? The most basic thing that you can do is to say "No, I don't wish to do that!" or if you want to do it, say "Yes, give me a try!"

For instance, if one of your friends offered you a cigarette, you might say "No, that just doesn't interest me." But being able to say no may not be the problem; the real problem arises when your friends repeatedly ask you to do something. This is where you have to be able to say to yourself, "I made a decision and I truly feel that my decision was the correct one", and then be able to express that repeatedly to all of your friends, and have enough respect for yourself to stand up and not give in. This seems like a difficult task, doesn't it? It takes a tremendous amount of will power to be able to stand up to the people that you know, trust, and respect ... your friends.

One of the major problems with peer pressure occurs when you get sucked into something that you really didn't want to do and subsequently, become addicted to it. Usually, people get backed into a situation to try illegal drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes and more times than not, these behaviors can become habit forming.

If and when someone comes up and offers you one of these substances, it is your decision whether you want to try or continue to use these substances. You should be prepared to make these decisions and to make a good decision you must be educated on that topic. For instance, say you were going to buy a stereo. You wouldn't just go out and pick the one that looked nice, you probably would go to the library and look into it. You might do some research in a few magazines, ask a few friends what they thought, go to the store and listen to each stereo through multiple speakers and finally make an educated decision. Before engaging in a specific situation, you should take the time to read about each one and the possible drawbacks before you decide to try or not to try anything.

Our reasoning behind not telling you what to do with each decision is because through out school, we were always told "Say NO to drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes." You see, we may have always been taught other people's opinions. We think that it is better that one finds out what will happen, how it will happen, and get whatever information that you need to make an educated decision. So, arm yourself with wisdom and knowledge and some decision making skills, so you can live your own life and finally accept the consequences of doing or not doing something.

-- Peer Pressure

I am a Submissive Woman
by laKajira

I am a submissive woman. I find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from
being submissive to another in a loving relationship. I am not weak, or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life. I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.

I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I
more complete than when he is with me. I know that he will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with his strength and wisdom. He is
everything to me, as I am everything to him. His touch awakens me and his thoughts free me. Only in serving him do I find complete freedom and joy.

His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that
he has my bests interests always foremost in his mind. If he desires
my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to him, and take pleasure
myself from knowing that I have brought him happiness. However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship. The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship. My body is his, and if he says I am beautiful, then I am. No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in his eyes, and because of that I hold my head high...for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me? If he says I am his princess, then I am that...regal and graceful, and if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong? If he says I am his toy, his slut, his tramp, then I am that...as wanton and dirty as he wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.

My mind is his, to expand, to explore, to know as only he can. I have no secrets from him...for secrets are a thing that would keep me from
being more perfectly his. Secrets would put a wall up between my
Master and myself... and I do not want walls. His lessons are not
always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons he has
decided I need, and so I learn from him. My soul is his, as bare to his touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at his feet. Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be he miles away or standing over me. If I were to ever displease him, his displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be. The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint him is harder to bear than the physical anguish I feel when his belt caresses me with fire. I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought he puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for his, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together. His part is much harder than mine, and I know this and am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend his time and energy so freely on me. I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to him. I am his pleasure and his responsibility, and he takes both seriously.

I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that. My
submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to
one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to he who
has that strength will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud I am a submissive woman.

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/sub_woman.html

 

[Black_Bunny]

That's a husband. Just your everyday, ordinary, regular, loving husband.

That's what I was going to say after reading the main post. I wouldn't say it's what a "dom" risks, but what any person risks in entering a long-term relationship. A 'vanilla' husband is still expected to love and take care of his wife's interests too isn't he?

 

[YourCaptor]

Damn I thought their was going to be a discussion in here.

Sound almost like a half good thread.

So anyway, What does a dom risk? in a relationship.

cost of keeping a sub are pretty high. You have to feed them, every day, and you have to water them, and walk them...

Seriously, I'd say subs take more managing. Though I'm sure a lot of nilla folks do too. I'm just thinking that my flavor of sub, she appreciates it when you lay out plans so she always knows what's next.

 

[BLoved]

I am a Submissive Woman
by laKajira

I am a submissive woman. I find pleasure, joy, and fulfillment from
being submissive to another in a loving relationship. I am not weak, or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life. I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.

I look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never am I
more complete than when he is with me. I know that he will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with his strength and wisdom. He is
everything to me, as I am everything to him. His touch awakens me and his thoughts free me. Only in serving him do I find complete freedom and joy.

His punishments are harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that
he has my bests interests always foremost in his mind. If he desires
my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to him, and take pleasure
myself from knowing that I have brought him happiness. However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of any relationship. The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship. My body is his, and if he says I am beautiful, then I am. No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in his eyes, and because of that I hold my head high...for who can tell me that my Master is wrong in seeing the beauty in me? If he says I am his princess, then I am that...regal and graceful, and if I see laughter at me in the eyes of others, I do not recognize it, for who are they to call my Master wrong? If he says I am his toy, his slut, his tramp, then I am that...as wanton and dirty as he wants me to be, and if others do not see this, then it is they who are blind, not my Master.

My mind is his, to expand, to explore, to know as only he can. I have no secrets from him...for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly his. Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself... and I do not want walls. His lessons are not
always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons he has
decided I need, and so I learn from him. My soul is his, as bare to his touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at his feet. Never a moment goes by when I do not feel his presence, be he miles away or standing over me. If I were to ever displease him, his displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be. The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint him is harder to bear than the physical anguish I feel when his belt caresses me with fire. I spend my days knowing that the energy and thought he puts into our relationship is as much for my benefit as for his, and look forward to each lovingly crafted scene that we do together. His part is much harder than mine, and I know this and am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend his time and energy so freely on me. I have the easier job: to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to him. I am his pleasure and his responsibility, and he takes both seriously.

I am a submissive woman. I am proud to call myself that. My
submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to
one who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold. Only to he who
has that strength will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud I am a submissive woman.

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/sub_woman.html

Would that all submissives engaged in a love-based bdsm relationship as this woman has.

 

[minx1]

And when she goes online and only finds material on casual 'bdsm', and she buys the books and they only deal with casual 'bdsm', and she is not informed of the risk of emotional abuse or the manner in which it will affect her, what then?

Sixty years ago anyone trying to learn about the risks of smoking would have found nothing.

Were they "morons" or were they misled?

ill informed I would say rather than the other two.

As with smoking there are a lot of resources out there these days, about the pros and cons of D/s and the risks and warning signs. I know myself as i looked into them when I started my relationship.
A ''loving'' bdsm relationship carries no more certainity than any other. I am sure you would know that more than most Bloved, from your recent experience.

To me, more worrying would be the people who dont make use of the information available to them and who dont listen to other peoples experiences; assuming they are right regardless of that information.

Thats a little foolish.

60 years on with all the information thats available to you....you still smoke dont you.....

 

[seela]

And when she goes online and only finds material on casual 'bdsm', and she buys the books and they only deal with casual 'bdsm', and she is not informed of the risk of emotional abuse or the manner in which it will affect her, what then?

Sixty years ago anyone trying to learn about the risks of smoking would have found nothing.

Were they "morons" or were they misled?

Shouldn't that but halt on most everything? There is no conclusive evidence on the long term effects of cell phones' radiation, so we shouldn't use them at all? Men wearing tight pants reduces their sperm count and is one possible cause for infertility. Sixty years ago anyone trying to learn about the risks of wearing tight pants would have found nothing. Is this yet another case of being misled?

Sometimes you just take the information you have and make your own decisions based on it. If you're not comfortable with it, then you probably shouldn't take the risk. And submissives are capable of critical thinking. I don't see it likely that someone who wants a relationship such as those you describe, goes online, finds hordes of information they don't see lining up with their way of thinking and their ideal relationship, and suddenly jumps aboard the "casual BDSM" wagon.

And like CM said, I don't think it's very likely that every single person except for you who writes about BDSM is out there to get new victims to abuse.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

The Loving Dominant - by John & Libby Warren (a couple who has been together since 1992)

I'm about halfway through this one, it really is rather good.

(And I'm not even dominant, it's still handy)

 

[CutieMouse]

I'm about halfway through this one, it really is rather good.

(And I'm not even dominant, it's still handy)

It's been a few years since I've read it, but yes, I remember it being pretty good.

Another thing I often advise submissives to do [if they of are the research/reading persuasion] is read everything they can get their hands on - books aimed at submissives, books aimed at dominants, books geared towards the kind of relationship they think they want, books geared towards the kind of relationship they might not even think of (or be interested in), books on technique, etc. There isn't any rule that says just because one is submissive, they can't read things aimed at dominants.

 

[midwestyankee]

It's been a few years since I've read it, but yes, I remember it being pretty good.

Another thing I often advise submissives to do [if they of are the research/reading persuasion] is read everything they can get their hands on - books aimed at submissives, books aimed at dominants, books geared towards the kind of relationship they think they want, books geared towards the kind of relationship they might not even think of (or be interested in), books on technique, etc. There isn't any rule that says just because one is submissive, they can't read things aimed at dominants.

This is fine advice (nor surprising, of course).

 

[intothewoods]

Something that's kinda cool about going to a really diverse (e.g., queer and straight, leather, M/s and swingers) event and then attending the classes is that you will meet a really wide range of people and you kind of get a good feel for the entire spectrum of the scene. I've met people in very regimented leather families and then people who just want to screw and don't give a shit about protocol. There are s-types whose entire lives are immersed in the lifestyle, and then people who have a pretty vanilla relationship with their primary partner but express kink with other partners only. And everything in between. And in listening to different people, you can tune in to that little voice in your head going, ooh, yeah, hot or mmm nooo not for me.

 

[BLoved]

ill informed I would say rather than the other two.

As with smoking there are a lot of resources out there these days, about the pros and cons of D/s and the risks and warning signs.

The vast majority of information available is supplied by the casual communities and is for the benefit of the casual communities.

Not unlike the cigarette companies saying "smoking is safe".