Sexual dysfunctions in the BDSM lifestyle

[Black_Bunny]

I'm really new here so apologies if this has been brought up elsewhere.

Just wondering if anyone here has suffered a sexual dysfunction? I personally have struggled with vaginismus (involuntary spasming of the vaginal walls upon attempted entry of anything) and I often wonder if this led to, or inhibits the growth of, my interest in BDSM?

When I read the stories of subs that can take any crazy-size dildo their Master decides to shove up there, and can cum at the drop of a hat, I feel a strong twang of jealousy...

I'm really proud of how far I've been able to come in overcoming the condition, but I feel like I kind of let my boyfriend down a lot

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I'm really new here so apologies if this has been brought up elsewhere.

Just wondering if anyone here has suffered a sexual dysfunction? I personally have struggled with vaginismus (involuntary spasming of the vaginal walls upon attempted entry of anything) and I often wonder if this led to, or inhibits the growth of, my interest in BDSM?

When I read the stories of subs that can take any crazy-size dildo their Master decides to shove up there, and can cum at the drop of a hat, I feel a strong twang of jealousy...

I'm really proud of how far I've been able to come in overcoming the condition, but I feel like I kind of let my boyfriend down a lot

There's many more ways to enjoy your partner without vaginal penetration. Don't ever feel like 'you've let him down' over something you cannot help.

I spent a good 5 years with a partner who wasn't able to have sex with me. (Mind you, the last 2 of those, I don't think he wanted to, but still) and we did find plenty of other activities to keep us occupied.

 

[where]

if not being orgasmic counts as a 'sexual dysfunction' as opposed to something made up my PharmaCorp, then yeah, I have. but it hasn't stopped me enjoying sex or BDSM or anything else. It would be cool to orgasm on command, but my life ain't gonna fall apart. We have twisted it so it's more "you aren't allowed to come". something achievable! Though oddly it's getting more difficult.

 

[Claire73]

When I read the stories of subs that can take any crazy-size dildo their Master decides to shove up there, and can cum at the drop of a hat, I feel a strong twang of jealousy...

May I ask what stories? In the forums from people you don't know, or in the story section where people publish their made up things?

I'm just asking, because I once read this story about a boy named Harry Potter, that made me wish I could do magic too.....

 

[Stella_Omega]

May I ask what stories? In the forums from people you don't know, or in the story section where people publish their made up things?

I'm just asking, because I once read this story about a boy named Harry Potter, that made me wish I could do magic too.....

This.

Also-- And forgive me, this may sound incredibly rude and unfeeling, but I don't mean it that way-- Can you have anal sex, Black Bunny? I don't know much about Vaginismus, and I sure don't see anything in the medical articles about this, because doctors yanno...
Does your anus spasm along with your vagina? Because I'm thinking you might really enjoy that-- and it might be another way to train your vagina away from its reflexes, being so adjacent...

 

[minx1]

just bumping this back to the top as its current

 

[where]

I'm kinda curious as to how sexual dysfunction is defined. in the case of the OP it's pretty clear I think, but in terms of female sexual dysfunction, there are many issues to do with medicalisation etc. views?

 

[Black_Bunny]

Also-- And forgive me, this may sound incredibly rude and unfeeling, but I don't mean it that way-- Can you have anal sex, Black Bunny? I don't know much about Vaginismus, and I sure don't see anything in the medical articles about this, because doctors yanno...
Does your anus spasm along with your vagina? Because I'm thinking you might really enjoy that-- and it might be another way to train your vagina away from its reflexes, being so adjacent...

The muscles that spasm are the same muscles that surround the anus (sort of like your forearm and your upper arm, but they are both your arm) So the few times I have tried anal, it has been excruciating. But then, I thought it was painful for most women, especially on a 'virgin ass'. Maybe I'm a bit misinformed there..?

I should have mentioned that I am mostly cured of vagninismus, but it was a very long and painful process involving both psychological and physical treatment and was just wondering if anyone else had gone through something similar

 

[Black_Bunny]

May I ask what stories? In the forums from people you don't know, or in the story section where people publish their made up things?

I'm just asking, because I once read this story about a boy named Harry Potter, that made me wish I could do magic too.....

Yeah ok, I know they're fiction, it just seemed to be a very common, almost identical, thread in all the stories

 

[FungiUg]

if not being orgasmic counts as a 'sexual dysfunction' as opposed to something made up my PharmaCorp, then yeah, I have.

I believe "inorgasmia" (or "anorgasmia", I've seen both spellings) is counted as a sexual dysfunction for both genders. I've suffered it myself, and occasionally erectile dysfunction.

"The spirit is willing but the body is weak" kind of stuff. Sometimes the body just doesn't cooperate, and it's relatively easy to find other stuff to do. The more of a big deal out of it I make, the more stress I feel under and the more it tends to happen.

I'm kinda curious as to how sexual dysfunction is defined.

Taken from Wikipedia: Sexual dysfunction

"Sexual dysfunction disorders may be classified into four categories: sexual desire disorders, arousal disorders, orgasm disorders and pain disorders."

 

[Stella_Omega]

The muscles that spasm are the same muscles that surround the anus (sort of like your forearm and your upper arm, but they are both your arm) So the few times I have tried anal, it has been excruciating. But then, I thought it was painful for most women, especially on a 'virgin ass'. Maybe I'm a bit misinformed there..?

I should have mentioned that I am mostly cured of vagninismus, but it was a very long and painful process involving both psychological and physical treatment and was just wondering if anyone else had gone through something similar

I gotcha. I was hoping that somehow there might be a way to sidestep the problem... I am glad to hear your battle has been mostly successful though, and here's hoping that you continue to win your way!

 

[YourCaptor]

I'm really new here so apologies if this has been brought up elsewhere.

Just wondering if anyone here has suffered a sexual dysfunction? I personally have struggled with vaginismus (involuntary spasming of the vaginal walls upon attempted entry of anything) and I often wonder if this led to, or inhibits the growth of, my interest in BDSM?

When I read the stories of subs that can take any crazy-size dildo their Master decides to shove up there, and can cum at the drop of a hat, I feel a strong twang of jealousy...

I'm really proud of how far I've been able to come in overcoming the condition, but I feel like I kind of let my boyfriend down a lot

Hmm, interesting topic… nice name… and pardon me for being ignorant but since when has tight pussy = bad.

if not being orgasmic counts as a 'sexual dysfunction' as opposed to something made up my PharmaCorp, then yeah, I have. but it hasn't stopped me enjoying sex or BDSM or anything else. It would be cool to orgasm on command, but my life ain't gonna fall apart. We have twisted it so it's more "you aren't allowed to come". something achievable! Though oddly it's getting more difficult.

Sexual dysfunction isn’t defined. You’ll get crazy psychobabblers with strict lines and nice right angels and such, but from all I have read, it could be anything from feeling awkward about it to screwing dead animals on the moon. Basically if it’s problematic for you to get what you want sex wise, it’s a dysfunction… you can see how that has its problems.

Another problem is people are stile rather reluctant to study human sexuality. Oddly however, when it comes to new drugs and inducing erections they got all these contraptions and special mechanisms for measuring rat erections. It's a strange world.

The muscles that spasm are the same muscles that surround the anus (sort of like your forearm and your upper arm, but they are both your arm) So the few times I have tried anal, it has been excruciating. But then, I thought it was painful for most women, especially on a 'virgin ass'. Maybe I'm a bit misinformed there..?

I should have mentioned that I am mostly cured of vagninismus, but it was a very long and painful process involving both psychological and physical treatment and was just wondering if anyone else had gone through something similar

I'd say patience, knowledge, persistence, and tons of lube. Try doing what you did to improve your vaginal response, if applicable. You can get butt plugs, or anal beads that start out small and gradually increase in size. That may help prepare you, and it's lots of fun too. Make a game out of it. And don't forget you got 3 holes, if 2 out of 3 won't give in that day, you always have that last one to fall back on.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Hmm, interesting topic… nice name… and pardon me for being ignorant but since when has tight pussy = bad.

Ummm, when it causes excruitiating pain?

 

[graceanne]

May I ask what stories? In the forums from people you don't know, or in the story section where people publish their made up things?

I'm just asking, because I once read this story about a boy named Harry Potter, that made me wish I could do magic too.....

LOL!!

Yeah ok, I know they're fiction, it just seemed to be a very common, almost identical, thread in all the stories

It is common, but that's because it's a common fantasy. I figure it's a common fantasy cause it's pretty rare. The thing to keep in mind is that while we like our sex kinky we're all pretty normal. If half of the women in the world don't orgasm every time they have sex (not sure if that's the number, just for example) thank half of us kinky chicks don't orgasm every time we have sex. We don't all welcome our PYL (pick your label) home on our knees by the door or the like.

Either way, I'm glad this got bumped, with all the old threads bumping it might have gone lost. Welcome to lit.

 

[Black_Bunny]

I gotcha. I was hoping that somehow there might be a way to sidestep the problem... I am glad to hear your battle has been mostly successful though, and here's hoping that you continue to win your way!

Thank you

pardon me for being ignorant but since when has tight pussy = bad.

Ummm, when it causes excruitiating pain?

Yes thanks for that... it's not just "tight", its actually closed. Even if you were to try to put up with the pain, and force something in (as I did before I was diagnosed), all it does (besides exacerbate the problem) is cause pain for the male as well, and possibly split his skin (which it did).

Welcome to lit.

Thank you. I'm glad the topic has gotten some interest

 

[where]

I believe "inorgasmia" (or "anorgasmia", I've seen both spellings) is counted as a sexual dysfunction for both genders. I've suffered it myself, and occasionally erectile dysfunction.

"The spirit is willing but the body is weak" kind of stuff. Sometimes the body just doesn't cooperate, and it's relatively easy to find other stuff to do. The more of a big deal out of it I make, the more stress I feel under and the more it tends to happen.



Taken from Wikipedia: Sexual dysfunction

"Sexual dysfunction disorders may be classified into four categories: sexual desire disorders, arousal disorders, orgasm disorders and pain disorders."

Hmm, interesting topic… nice name… and pardon me for being ignorant but since when has tight pussy = bad.



Sexual dysfunction isn’t defined. You’ll get crazy psychobabblers with strict lines and nice right angels and such, but from all I have read, it could be anything from feeling awkward about it to screwing dead animals on the moon. Basically if it’s problematic for you to get what you want sex wise, it’s a dysfunction… you can see how that has its problems.

Another problem is people are stile rather reluctant to study human sexuality. Oddly however, when it comes to new drugs and inducing erections they got all these contraptions and special mechanisms for measuring rat erections. It's a strange world.

meh... I was really making a bit of a snarky comment about how the commonplace becomes medicalised for the benefit of big pharma. I am not saying that vaginismus comes into that category though.

Black_Bunny, I guess you have already seen a doctor about this, but maybe it might be useful trying something like hypnotherapy for relaxation (which in turn brings in a rather nice pervy mind control thing, if that's your bag ).

Either way, who ever you are in a relationship with, whether it's 'nilla or a BDSM one, they have to play with what is available and if it's a psychological thing (I'm guessing there may be a psychological element to the condition) then take the time to help you relax enough so it's not painful for either of you.

Also, and this is just a bit of a reach here, but do you do kegels? maybe if you don't and you started, that might help.

Ummm, when it causes excruitiating pain?

I think he was making a bit of a joke.

 

[Black_Bunny]

.

Black_Bunny, I guess you have already seen a doctor about this, but maybe it might be useful trying something like hypnotherapy for relaxation (which in turn brings in a rather nice pervy mind control thing, if that's your bag ).

Either way, who ever you are in a relationship with, whether it's 'nilla or a BDSM one, they have to play with what is available and if it's a psychological thing (I'm guessing there may be a psychological element to the condition) then take the time to help you relax enough so it's not painful for either of you.

Also, and this is just a bit of a reach here, but do you do kegels? maybe if you don't and you started, that might help.

I am the Kegel Queen haha... they are the number one factor in overcoming vag. Since I started being able to have pain free sex I have slacked off though, so thanks for the reminder

Funnily enough, because vag is at least half a psychological condition, the fact that I am handing over control to my boyfriend and have asked him to push my boundaries, might be the very key in my getting past the final step and properly being cured of this damn thing... (a surprising and pleasant experience on the weekend gives me hope..) who would have known

 

[YourCaptor]

I am the Kegel Queen haha...

OMG, just imagining the things you could do... lucky boyfriend

Funnily enough, because vag is at least half a psychological condition, the fact that I am handing over control to my boyfriend and have asked him to push my boundaries, might be the very key in my getting past the final step and properly being cured of this damn thing... (a surprising and pleasant experience on the weekend gives me hope..) who would have known

I really don't know anything about the condition, but it sounds like reflex has a lot to do with it. Any doc ever talk about spine related thing with you? If not you should ask some time.

 

[where]

I am the Kegel Queen haha... they are the number one factor in overcoming vag. Since I started being able to have pain free sex I have slacked off though, so thanks for the reminder

Funnily enough, because vag is at least half a psychological condition, the fact that I am handing over control to my boyfriend and have asked him to push my boundaries, might be the very key in my getting past the final step and properly being cured of this damn thing... (a surprising and pleasant experience on the weekend gives me hope..) who would have known

oh cool! it was a bit of an intuitive thing so it's nice to know a gut instinct is sometimes right!

I can see how handing over control could help as well. One of the few ways I can orgasm is when I have no control at all.

OMG, just imagining the things you could do... lucky boyfriend



I really don't know anything about the condition, but it sounds like reflex has a lot to do with it. Any doc ever talk about spine related thing with you? If not you should ask some time.

pervy thing! but then so did I

 

[KoPilot]

I seem to suffer from a really low sex drive right now, and have been for several months, which I blame the endometriosis for. I had my surgery for it a little over a week ago though, so here's to hoping that it comes back soon! I miss actually being able to feel good from masturbating.

 

[sexi_sub]

KoPilot, I completely understand what you're going through. It has been a year since my last surgery and am due for another one but must decide between just a clean out again or complete hysterectomy.
My sexual drive seems to majorly spike soon after the surgery (i guess mainly because it doesn't hurt to do absolutely everything)
I hope your surgery works out well and you're in the 10% that will never need one again.

 

[KoPilot]

KoPilot, I completely understand what you're going through. It has been a year since my last surgery and am due for another one but must decide between just a clean out again or complete hysterectomy.
My sexual drive seems to majorly spike soon after the surgery (i guess mainly because it doesn't hurt to do absolutely everything)
I hope your surgery works out well and you're in the 10% that will never need one again.

Oh dear... best of luck to you.

Surgically induced menopause was completely out of the question for me (I'm 21), and I've already come to terms with having to go under the laparoscope a few more times over the next 30 years.

Pain (when you don't want it) destroys libido like crazy... especially if you live your day-to-day life worrying about when the next attack will be. (Will it happen when I'm on the plane? Or during the presentation tomorrow morning? Or my commute to work/school? etc. etc. ad nauseum...)

Boy how I wish there was some funky little exercise we could do to cure this. :\

 

[Black_Bunny]

I really don't know anything about the condition, but it sounds like reflex has a lot to do with it. Any doc ever talk about spine related thing with you? If not you should ask some time.

That's exactly right; it's an unconscious reflex, from what they call 'negative muscle memories'. The muscles take charge instead of allowing the brain to decide what happens, due to negative past experiences. What do you mean about it being spine-related?

I can see how handing over control could help as well. One of the few ways I can orgasm is when I have no control at all.

So is your condition purely psychological? I find that's why it works for me, the physical parts of my body know what they're supposed to do now but my mind gets in the way.

KoPilot and sexi_sub, I had the lowest sex drive I've ever had for about six years or so before I felt 'cured', and since then it's been the highest I've ever had, for a year and going strong.

But it's not a matter of "a funky little exercise" to cure this, there is simply no operation available to cure it so it's either go through the physically excruciating and psychologically traumatic treatment (dealing with childhood abuse, for example), or don't be cured. I appreciate that your condition is painfully constant, and I wish you all the best in your search for cures

 

[YourCaptor]

I seem to suffer from a really low sex drive right now, and have been for several months, which I blame the endometriosis for. I had my surgery for it a little over a week ago though, so here's to hoping that it comes back soon! I miss actually being able to feel good from masturbating.

Stress, worries, physical exhaustion, they all decrease sex drive. Once the world normalizes, it will too.

 

[YourCaptor]

That's exactly right; it's an unconscious reflex, from what they call 'negative muscle memories'. The muscles take charge instead of allowing the brain to decide what happens, due to negative past experiences. What do you mean about it being spine-related?

Negative muscle memories, that is a pretty complicated diagnosis. Not at all what I would intuitively think. So they are saying that it's a cerebellar issue. To get over that, I assume they just have you practice, practice, practice, practice. Probably with those kegels right. Basically, it's like trying to teach an athlete to play badly, permanently.

The reason I mentioned the spin is because it is basically and extension of the brain. A lot of involuntary reflexes come from their, like balancing when walking, or pulling away from something painful. I would think your condition is such a reflex, probably a fear based, freeze, or clamp up, reflex that you have associated with sex.

If that is the case, treatment like what they use for phobias would probably work. Then end goal being that you can engage in sex without your condition ever crossing your mind, at all, hence preventing the reflex. You could desensitize yourself. Get naked and explore each other without any expectation of sex, take that pressure out of the equation. You could watch lots of porn, no reading though, you could talk to your friends about it. Just make it into a natural everyday thing. Then when you have sex, constantly distract yourself, always have something on your mind, literally don't leave the space for bad thoughts to enter. Once you mind decides it's no big deal, you'll drop those bad associations and be care free.

Or the other method, pay extreme attention to it, get biofeedback, that is a visual representation of your state, and learn how to relax and force your body to lose tension. However this is sex, and tension is great is sex, leads to the best orgasms too. So relaxing probably isn't the best way to go about it.

No matter what, in a way you are in luck. You have sex as a motivator, it doesn't get much better then that.