Bring on the constructive criticism

[luna_oscuro]

I posted my first story about a year and half ago. I recieved a few comments, all of which were positive. Because this was my first submitted story (really my first finished story), I was content with the posted comments and my own accomplishment. I'm ready to jump back into the writing pool and would like a little more focused and constructive criticism to help guide my next piece.

If anyone would like to read (or re-read) my story and give me some additional (specific) feedback, I would really appreciate it. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=404030

You can leave feedback on the story or email me at lunaoscuro@gmail.com

 

[litfan10]

Hey luna. I just emailed you some feedback. I hope it is what you are looking for. Good luck and I look forward to future writing from you!

 

[driphoney]

It's a nice little story and you have a red H, so it doesn't get much better than that, eh?

However, since you asked, I'll point out a couple of things that I see, not that my writing is any better, it's not, nor are my grammar skills. It's just easier to see someone else's boo-boo's.

It's a little draggy and wordy in the beginning. I have the same problem.

Some of your paragraphs are too long for easy reading online, so try not to allow them to go over 8 or 9 lines, max. These are not official, grammatically correct breaks. Where to choose the break is more art than science.

In the two examples below you have what I think of as buried dialogue. I made this mistake in the beginning, too.

In the first paragraph "I" talks, "I" does action, then where I italicized, he does an action. At that moment, you shifted focus, so the next time "I" talks, "I" gets a new paragraph. I think some writers would give everything past his action a new paragraph, but I wouldn't. However, I don't know the official rules. Now that I've posted, someone will, no doubt, come along and correct me. (Which is fine, we want more advice here, right? )

As for the second paragraph, it's too long anyway, so breaking it up will help there, too. In this case, action is going back and forth again, but is primarily "I", then at the end, "he" speaks. "He" gets his own paragraph. I put how I would break it up in an example below.

A couple more things. One, it will make your work look a little more "professional" rolleyes if you don't exaggerate words by stretching them out. Again, a mistake I've made, but am trying to improve on. Consider writing '"Yes," I hiss.' And the second thing, get an editor. You have several little punctuation issues that an editor would catch.

As I said, it's a nice story. I liked it.

Good luck.

"I'm a direct woman; I'd prefer to hear it," I respond. I use my other hand to pull his face towards mine and I run my lips lightly over his. I nibble on his lower lip and use my tongue to soothe the area. His mouth opens a little and I slip my tongue inside. He tastes like wine and chocolate. I suck his lower lip and apply pressure and release. His arm curls around my back and pulls me closer. He lets me remain in control, even though I can tell he wants to take the lead. I pull back when I feel his mouth reaching for mine. "Not yet," I say, "you still haven't answered my question."

Together we unbutton one button. Moving my head, I capture his mouth and we kiss again for moments. Our hands slide up toward another button and we release that one. Turning my head so he can kiss the other side of my neck I just close my eyes and experience the moment. I can feel him growing harder behind me and I even though I know he's uncomfortable, I'm too deep in the moment to do anything about it. Our hands slip up to open another button. There are just two buttons left closed at the top of my shirt. His hand slides beneath my shirt and rests under my breasts. He caresses the area below them, letting his fingers brush the bottom of my breasts for a long time. It feels amazing. I deliberately wiggle my behind to bring him some of the pleasure I'm feeling. He stops, sucks in his breath and sighs in my ear. "Easy", he says. I smile.

Together we unbutton one button. Moving my head, I capture his mouth and we kiss again for moments. Our hands slide up toward another button and we release that one. Turning my head so he can kiss the other side of my neck I just close my eyes and experience the moment. I can feel him growing harder behind me and I even though I know he's uncomfortable, I'm too deep in the moment to do anything about it.

Our hands slip up to open another button. There are just two buttons left closed at the top of my shirt. His hand slides beneath my shirt and rests under my breasts. He caresses the area below them, letting his fingers brush the bottom of my breasts for a long time. It feels amazing. I deliberately wiggle my behind to bring him some of the pleasure I'm feeling.

He stops, sucks in his breath and sighs in my ear. "Easy," he says. I smile.

 

[luna_oscuro]

Thank you...this is helpful...I appreciate it

 

[luna_oscuro]

got it...replied as well. thanks!

 

[Cold_Eyes]

It's a little draggy and wordy in the beginning. I have the same problem.

Yep, I think the first paragraph can be cut entirely. I would choose either of these as the first sentence:

"It started innocently enough with the accidental brush of my hand against his thigh."

or

"I have an unfortunate habit of dropping my napkin at inopportune times."

I like the second one best, personally. It gives you a little mystery, wondering what these inopportune times could be. The first is good because you're right in the scene, but it's more transparent than the second one.

But both are much more interesting than the generic "So I was doing x because of y" common in a lot of stories (and not just on Lit). Instead of giving all that info at the beginning, it can be inserted at other points, i.e., when the reader needs to know it, through carefully placed details.

To set it in the hotel, you could throw that detail in here in the second (or what would be your first if you cut the opening) paragraph: "Thankfully, it's dark and loud in my hotel's restaurant."

How she knows the guy/Why she's eating dinner with him could be inserted here: "This time as I angle my body to reach down I feel movement from the man next to me, one of the guests my friend had invited to the dinner party."

Doesn't have to be exactly like that, but the general idea is that the result will be a first paragraph that throws you into the action. All the information the reader needs from the vague exposition in the original opening in now condensed to two sentences.