I've written a good story

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

and I desire to nail a paragraph. I'm not feeling this one. Any suggestions? I do not like the second and third line.

Protagonist is a high school counselor with a submissive nature. The love interest is a college sophomore with dominant tendencies. The nature of the lesbian lovers must be hinted at, but not banged over the reader's head at this juncture. I do not like this paragraph for some reason, and I can't figure it out. They're discussing a professor who is going to fail the dominant student. The professors is called Dr. Blubber as an insult. The protagonist accidentally uses the term out of habit around the student.

After a few long seconds, I said, "Dr. Blubber . . . Blanchard.” I glanced up at Sochie. Bitch defined Dr. B perfectly, fat bitch defined her even better, but my position required me to play the role of the bad gal. A role I loathed around anyone, none more so than Sochie. “Dr. Blanchard’s not going to let you get away with it. She plays a mean game of hardball. If you continue to cut her class, I'll visit you at Taco Bell. They need new employees frequently." I let my words sink in. From the look on her carefree face, the words didn't sink. I tried again.

 

[PacoFear]

I ran your paragraph through my PacoFear wordsmitherizer (patent pending). It came out longer, but I'm a verbose bastard and the wordsmitherizer is still in the prototype phase.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Cheers,

-PF

After a few long seconds I tried to lay out her problem. For some reason though my mouth was a few steps ahead of my brain. “Look Sochie, Dr. Blubber— Blanchard…”

Shit. I winced and glanced up at her. ‘Bitch’ may have suited Blanchard perfectly, perhaps ‘fat bitch’ a tad better, but my position didn’t include the right to call the faculty names. For a student in Sochie’s position I was supposed to be playing bad cop, scaring her into getting her academic act together. The trouble was that I’d never really liked playing bad cop all that much and I was finding it especially hard now. There was something distracting about this girl.

An awkward little pause stretched out as I waited for her to say something, but Sochie either hadn’t noticed my Blubber gaff or was polite enough to pretend as much, so I stumbled on, “Dr. Blanchard’s not going to let you get away with slacking. She plays hardball. If you continue to cut her class, well, chances are I'll be seeing you at Taco Bell. They’re always hiring." I leaned back into my chair and smiled brightly.

It was one of my more threadbare threats, overused but only because it tended to work, especially on the girls. The idea of a life spent folding fast food burritos terrified coeds for some reason.

And yet Sochie’s face maintained its same carefree expression. Either she really liked burritos or I was missing something. Okay, I needed a new angle…

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

I ran your paragraph through my PacoFear wordsmitherizer (patent pending). It came out longer, but I'm a verbose bastard and the wordsmitherizer is still in the prototype phase.

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Cheers,

-PF

After a few long seconds I tried to lay out her problem. For some reason though my mouth was a few steps ahead of my brain. “Look Sochie, Dr. Blubber— Blanchard…”

Shit. I winced and glanced up at her. ‘Bitch’ may have suited Blanchard perfectly, perhaps ‘fat bitch’ a tad better, but my position didn’t include the right to call the faculty names. For a student in Sochie’s position I was supposed to be playing bad cop, scaring her into getting her academic act together. The trouble was that I’d never really liked playing bad cop all that much and I was finding it especially hard now. There was something distracting about this girl.

An awkward little pause stretched out as I waited for her to say something, but Sochie either hadn’t noticed my Blubber gaff or was polite enough to pretend as much, so I stumbled on, “Dr. Blanchard’s not going to let you get away with slacking. She plays hardball. If you continue to cut her class, well, chances are I'll be seeing you at Taco Bell. They’re always hiring." I leaned back into my chair and smiled brightly.

It was one of my more threadbare threats, overused but only because it tended to work, especially on the girls. The idea of a life spent folding fast food burritos terrified coeds for some reason.

And yet Sochie’s face maintained its same carefree expression. Either she really liked burritos or I was missing something. Okay, I needed a new angle…

Snicker

Yes, I like!

 

[sr71plt]

Where I go off the rails in the sentences bothering you is the juxtaposition of the slangly "gal" with the relatively sophisticated verb "loath" and sentence structure as well as the second "sentence" not being a sentence.

I can't determine from what you've given what level of speech the protagonist uses, but it would be best to try to keep her on the one level. It's the "gal" I find most jarring in context.

The other issue can be resolved by making it one sentence, with a comma rather than a period behind "gal."

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Where I go off the rails in the sentences bothering you is the juxtaposition of the slangly "gal" with the relatively sophisticated verb "loath" and sentence structure as well as the second "sentence" not being a sentence.

I can't determine from what you've given what level of speech the protagonist uses, but it would be best to try to keep her on the one level. It's the "gal" I find most jarring in context.

The other issue can be resolved by making it one sentence, with a comma rather than a period behind "gal."

Great! The speaker wouldn't use the word. She's college educated. The usage is out of context. I'll fix the fragment.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Look at the function of these sentences in your paragraph. What are they doing? They're expository. They, essentially, tell the reader what "I" thinks. That's not a bad thing, however, it is a shift from the surrounding sentences.

I'm talking-doing-talking-doing----break! describe character. break over!---talking-doing-talking-doing.

It's not that your sentences are bad, it's the way you've constructed the paragraph that makes them stand out as tell-y when they don't have to be. They interrupt the flow of traffic and there's not a lot you can do to shift that flow. I think it's why Paco ended up getting wordy. He wanted to write out the exposition.

So, whatcha do? Write out the exposition? Do you need it? You can move it to another spot in the paragraph. This might require shifting the way the scene is written so the paragraph is cut up. Mostly, it requires shifting things so that the reader's attention is smoothly drawn from dialogue to action without lingering on the exposition, which is minimized. Connect ideas to the right things, for example:

After a few long seconds, I said, "Dr. Blubber . . . Blanchard.” Bitch defined Dr. B perfectly, fat bitch defined her even better. My position required me to play the role of the bad gal, a role I loathed around anyone, but none more so than Sochie. I glanced up at Sochie. “Dr. Blanchard’s not going to let you get away with it. She plays a mean game of hardball. If you continue to cut her class, I'll visit you at Taco Bell. They need new employees frequently." I let my words sink in. From the look on her carefree face, the words didn't sink. I tried again.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Look at the function of these sentences in your paragraph. What are they doing? They're expository. They, essentially, tell the reader what "I" thinks. That's not a bad thing, however, it is a shift from the surrounding sentences.

I'm talking-doing-talking-doing----break! describe character. break over!---talking-doing-talking-doing.

It's not that your sentences are bad, it's the way you've constructed the paragraph that makes them stand out as tell-y when they don't have to be. They interrupt the flow of traffic and there's not a lot you can do to shift that flow. I think it's why Paco ended up getting wordy. He wanted to write out the exposition.

So, whatcha do? Write out the exposition? Do you need it? You can move it to another spot in the paragraph. This might require shifting the way the scene is written so the paragraph is cut up. Mostly, it requires shifting things so that the reader's attention is smoothly drawn from dialogue to action without lingering on the exposition, which is minimized. Connect ideas to the right things, for example:

After a few long seconds, I said, "Dr. Blubber . . . Blanchard.” Bitch defined Dr. B perfectly, fat bitch defined her even better. My position required me to play the role of the bad gal, a role I loathed around anyone, but none more so than Sochie. I glanced up at Sochie. “Dr. Blanchard’s not going to let you get away with it. She plays a mean game of hardball. If you continue to cut her class, I'll visit you at Taco Bell. They need new employees frequently." I let my words sink in. From the look on her carefree face, the words didn't sink. I tried again.

My ISP went bonkers so I'm getting back to this.

This might require shifting the way the scene is written so the paragraph is cut up. Mostly, it requires shifting things so that the reader's attention is smoothly drawn from dialogue to action without lingering on the exposition, which is minimized.

That's it! I've never distinguished the three elements in my writing. The story posted today. I used some of the previous advice, but the small section could read better. The story is scoring fine in the lit way of things (4.8) but that doesn't mean a whole lot to me at this juncture. I desire improvement.

I know what I've written is good, yet flawed. I'm open to suggestion in case any of you have an opportunity to read (linked below in my sig--She Moves Me). I've received advice from a couple of editors (I'll not mention them because I'm hard headed and I don't want them blamed for all of the errors I left in the story--those are clearly my fault) on this forum and two beta readers. If you wish, I'm open to a read and can take constructive criticism from any of you, or any interested party for that matter.

I do feel honored that writers of your ilk have taken the time to help a noobie. I want to be good, or at least maximize my ability to its full potential. Your time with me is appreciated.

Raney (Espie at lit)