Second fiddle

[JMohegan]

Would you seriously date a widow or widower?

Even if you knew he/she was, and always would be, deeply in love with the deceased spouse?

 

[DVS]

Would you seriously date a widow or widower?

Even if you knew he/she was, and always would be, deeply in love with the deceased spouse?

It depends on the kinky sex. The right kind of sex really talks to me.


Now, if afterward she says something like "that was nice...Bob did it like that", it might become kind of creepy.

 

[subish2009]

I'm okay with it, but I seem to be wired poly. As long as he truly loved me, too, I don't have a problem with him continuing to love her at the same time. So I guess he'd have to be poly as well...but your OP is titled "Second fiddle"...so if you're talking about always being second best, then no, never mind, I don't think I'd be okay with that.

How's that for a circuitous, blithering answer?

 

[ecstaticsub]

I am with a married man now. I am second in his mind to his wife, as he is second in my mind to my husband. It's just the way it is. I don't feel like a "second fiddle". I am still loved and cherished.

No one ever will take the place in my heart that my husband has. If he were to pass away and I met someone else I would hope they would understand that I can love them without ever loving them the same way I love my husband.

 

[00Syd]

It's hard to know the future, but I have a hard time with absolutes. You never know, I could meet a widower and find him to be the man of my dreams. There is hardly anything that will cause me to instantly write someone off.

 

[Keroin]

One of my dear friends lost her husband of forty years about five years ago. I know that no man could ever compare to him or replace him in her eyes but what a wonderful companion she would make. I think any man would be lucky to be with her.

I think, for me, it would be a shame to miss the opportunity to spend happy years with a partner just because you can't be their one great love.

So, a hearty yes from me.

(Interesting question, by the way).

 

[BiBunny]

Maybe.

 

[graceanne]

I voted yes, even though it's a maybe. I could if they loved me, too. I wouldn't if there was no chance.

 

[chy_girl]

Yes. There would be an issue if I was the replacement or fill-in, but there would be an issue with that were simply divorced.

Human beings are not limited to one love in their life and there's more to a good relationship than love. It's doable, IMO.

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Look, widows and widowers cope with loss, just as the rest of the people who knew the deceased do, and in the end, they move on. It's part of the mourning process. To say that you'd always be second fiddle the his or her first spouse is simply not true. You'd be second fiddle if that person was still an option. They aren't.

So yes, I would date a widow.

 

[Soumis]

Voted yes. Provided we were both looking for the same thing in the relationship.

 

[YourCaptor]

It depends, can she love you too?

 

[JMohegan]

It depends on the kinky sex. The right kind of sex really talks to me.


Now, if afterward she says something like "that was nice...Bob did it like that", it might become kind of creepy.

Assume that the widow in question is: A) well-matched for you on the kink scale, and B) not insensitive or stupid enough to make such comparisons out loud.

I'm okay with it, but I seem to be wired poly. As long as he truly loved me, too, I don't have a problem with him continuing to love her at the same time. So I guess he'd have to be poly as well...but your OP is titled "Second fiddle"...so if you're talking about always being second best, then no, never mind, I don't think I'd be okay with that.

Always lesser in terms of the strength and depth of the bond.

I am with a married man now. I am second in his mind to his wife, as he is second in my mind to my husband. It's just the way it is. I don't feel like a "second fiddle". I am still loved and cherished.

No one ever will take the place in my heart that my husband has. If he were to pass away and I met someone else I would hope they would understand that I can love them without ever loving them the same way I love my husband.

Second fiddle may be a poor choice of words to describe it, but this is what I'm talking about, yes.

I think people can either accept this type of ranking, or they can't. The ones who can accept it are generally doing similar ranking themselves.

 

[midwestyankee]

I doubt if her widowhood would even be an important element in the calculus if I found her attractive, we were compatible, and we both wanted to date. A woman is a woman as she is today, regardless of her past loves. In many ways, past loves can make for a stronger and more interesting partner.

 

[intothewoods]

Assume that the widow in question is: A) well-matched for you on the kink scale, and B) not insensitive or stupid enough to make such comparisons out loud.


Always lesser in terms of the strength and depth of the bond.


Second fiddle may be a poor choice of words to describe it, but this is what I'm talking about, yes.

I think people can either accept this type of ranking, or they can't. The ones who can accept it are generally doing similar ranking themselves.

These comments are helpful clarification. I voted yes, but the answer would depend on how the widower handled the situation and also what I was looking for.

For example, if I became a widow after, say, twenty years of marriage, I can't imagine that I would ever love someone as much as I love my husband. A widower who felt similarly would be a pretty good match for me in that respect. And just generally speaking, I can see being in a place in your life where you are looking for companionship without looking for marriage or the love of your life.

Again, so much would depend on how the widower handled the situation. Kind of akin to a casual relationship. I think you can be respectful and show affection/appreciation/etc. without having to declare your undying love day after day. Really, so much depends on finding a good personality match.

 

[FurryFury]

I would. Unless he was holding that great love up as something I could never be or something like that. KWIM?

 

[BadGirlsRule]

Being a widow for the past 18 months, I'm not sure if I should respond to this thread as my point of view might be a little biased. On the other hand, if this is a situation the OP is personally dealing with, maybe I could be of some help.

Every situation is different so I can only speak of my own experience. I was with my husband for almost 20 years, from the age of 17 until he passed away when I was 37. I loved him dearly, I still do. But we had quite a dysfunctional relationship at times. Still, I would have stayed with him another 20 years or longer had he lived.

After about a year, I began to view an acquaintance-turned-friend (one who had only seen my husband once, therefore he didn't really know him) in a totally different light. I began to feel this curiosity and adoration towards him. Long story short...I fell in love him. Am I still mourning my husband? I'm sure I always will. But I'm not in the "active" phase of grief anymore.

There have been a lot of issues in this new relationship that I've had to work on because of my circumstances. Luckily, he is patient enough with me to allow me to work through them. As a matter of fact, he sometimes puts the brakes on if he feels like I've got stuff to deal with. It also helps that we are very much on the same page sexually. He fulfills this need and curiosity inside me that no one else ever has. He has opened up a whole new world to me and I am extremely grateful for that.

If anything, the whole experience has made me a better person and partner. I hate that I had to learn these lessons in such a shitty way, but I'm trying to take anything positive from it that I can. I don't take one minute that I spend with this man I love for granted. Ever. I am much more compassionate. I went from feeling like my life was over to embracing the hell out of it. I want to live and do and see and experience everything I possibly can. I try not to sweat the small stuff anymore. Life really is way too short.

I've not experienced any difficulties loving this new, wonderful man wholly and completely. Getting past the guilt of loving another has been the most difficult part. Every potential new partner will have baggage in one form or another. Mine just happens to be less mainstream.

I'm so glad my partner gave me a chance and didn't turn me away simply because of the box I now check under "Marital Status". Because I'm widowed means that I know how to have a successful relationship. We stuck it out even through the rough times and saw our marriage to completion...its natural end. There aren't a lot of people who can say that these days.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I voted yes, I would give it a chance.
On the other hand I would be in the same boat as said widower.

 

[subwannabe]

Well, I guess this poll answered your question. There are many kinds of love. Most all of us have had that one true love that will never come again - when we were teenagers - only to find out that we were wrong. It is possible to love more than one person, even at the same time, let alone during a lifetime. Take kids, for example. You can love Betty Lou, Cindy Lou and Mary Lou. It's not like you love one and not the others. I think to make it work though one party has to let their beloved spouse go at some point and resign them to memory only while the other has to accept the fact that the other person will always love their previous spouse while being able to love you too.

 

[eastern sun]

I would date a widow/er, but I don't think that I would bind myself to someone who always made me feel like a "second fiddle." I would hope that, in dating, we could develop a relationship of our own that would be important enough to take precedence in his/her mind while we were together.

But in the development of that new relationship, I also think it would be unrealistic to expect a widow/er not to talk about or think about or even be frequently reminded of his/her previous partner for some time. And, I would try to be patient during that time, and not take it all too personally.

 

[00Syd]

So far I am pleasantly surprised by the poll results.

 

[Netzach]

Loving a deceased or even otherwise ex is a completely separate issue from making me feel like a second thought or not.

Yes, unless it became clear that that person's head isn't there when it comes to our relationship.

 

[FurryFury]

I would date a widow/er, but I don't think that I would bind myself to someone who always made me feel like a "second fiddle." I would hope that, in dating, we could develop a relationship of our own that would be important enough to take precedence in his/her mind while we were together.

But in the development of that new relationship, I also think it would be unrealistic to expect a widow/er not to talk about or think about or even be frequently reminded of his/her previous partner for some time. And, I would try to be patient during that time, and not take it all too personally.

^

Yes! This!

 

[JMaxwell69]

I would have only one question. Did the widow kill the previous spouse?

If not, I would not have the slightest hesitancy for any other reason including the one you mentioned. (if I were on the market, and that woman was attractive to me.)

 

[JMohegan]

I doubt if her widowhood would even be an important element in the calculus if I found her attractive, we were compatible, and we both wanted to date. A woman is a woman as she is today, regardless of her past loves. In many ways, past loves can make for a stronger and more interesting partner.

In some cases, it doesn't feel like a "past" love. It's a past, present and future, an eternity thing.

So this would be like dating one person, exclusively, while your wife's out of town. Not in any sort of illicit way, but you still feel married.

These comments are helpful clarification. I voted yes, but the answer would depend on how the widower handled the situation and also what I was looking for.

For example, if I became a widow after, say, twenty years of marriage, I can't imagine that I would ever love someone as much as I love my husband. A widower who felt similarly would be a pretty good match for me in that respect. And just generally speaking, I can see being in a place in your life where you are looking for companionship without looking for marriage or the love of your life.

Again, so much would depend on how the widower handled the situation. Kind of akin to a casual relationship. I think you can be respectful and show affection/appreciation/etc. without having to declare your undying love day after day. Really, so much depends on finding a good personality match.

This nails it, I think.

A good match in terms of what's expected or desired from the relationship is, as always, key.