Second fiddle

[JMohegan]

Being a widow for the past 18 months, I'm not sure if I should respond to this thread as my point of view might be a little biased.

Everyone's point of view is biased, albeit in different ways.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

 

[Netzach]

I've watched this unfold with my FIL in really interesting ways. Suffice it to say his partner now has some hugely significant differences from his wife (gender the least of them in some ways)

It doesn't detract one bit from the life he had married to her that he's enjoying his life as much as he is now and able to express completely different parts of himself.

I'm unsure I buy the one and one shot only at real love premise. I've seen different kinds of lightning strikes all over the place.

I'd be perfectly comfortable with "you'll never be the same as" but "you'll never be as good as" uh uh. No way. I won't move to one of those places I'll be "new" at for the rest of my life either.

 

[graceanne]

Assume that the widow in question is: A) well-matched for you on the kink scale, and B) not insensitive or stupid enough to make such comparisons out loud.


Always lesser in terms of the strength and depth of the bond.


Second fiddle may be a poor choice of words to describe it, but this is what I'm talking about, yes.

I think people can either accept this type of ranking, or they can't. The ones who can accept it are generally doing similar ranking themselves.

I would not be willing to be second fiddle, but I would be willing to share love. I can love lots of people, if the person in question can, too, then I'd be okay with that.

 

[subish2009]

<snip>Always lesser in terms of the strength and depth of the bond.<snip>

Then, no. I can deal with him loving another in addition to me. I can deal with that love being huge and enduring and incredibly strong and deep. But to always be second, while he's first for me? No. Now, if he were second for me also, then sure. I guess it's the imbalance with which I'm not comfortable. I'm too insecure for that.

Being a widow for the past 18 months, I'm not sure if I should respond to this thread as my point of view might be a little biased. On the other hand, if this is a situation the OP is personally dealing with, maybe I could be of some help.

Every situation is different so I can only speak of my own experience. I was with my husband for almost 20 years, from the age of 17 until he passed away when I was 37. I loved him dearly, I still do. But we had quite a dysfunctional relationship at times. Still, I would have stayed with him another 20 years or longer had he lived.

After about a year, I began to view an acquaintance-turned-friend (one who had only seen my husband once, therefore he didn't really know him) in a totally different light. I began to feel this curiosity and adoration towards him. Long story short...I fell in love him. Am I still mourning my husband? I'm sure I always will. But I'm not in the "active" phase of grief anymore.

There have been a lot of issues in this new relationship that I've had to work on because of my circumstances. Luckily, he is patient enough with me to allow me to work through them. As a matter of fact, he sometimes puts the brakes on if he feels like I've got stuff to deal with. It also helps that we are very much on the same page sexually. He fulfills this need and curiosity inside me that no one else ever has. He has opened up a whole new world to me and I am extremely grateful for that.

If anything, the whole experience has made me a better person and partner. I hate that I had to learn these lessons in such a shitty way, but I'm trying to take anything positive from it that I can. I don't take one minute that I spend with this man I love for granted. Ever. I am much more compassionate. I went from feeling like my life was over to embracing the hell out of it. I want to live and do and see and experience everything I possibly can. I try not to sweat the small stuff anymore. Life really is way too short.

I've not experienced any difficulties loving this new, wonderful man wholly and completely. Getting past the guilt of loving another has been the most difficult part. Every potential new partner will have baggage in one form or another. Mine just happens to be less mainstream.

I'm so glad my partner gave me a chance and didn't turn me away simply because of the box I now check under "Marital Status". Because I'm widowed means that I know how to have a successful relationship. We stuck it out even through the rough times and saw our marriage to completion...its natural end. There aren't a lot of people who can say that these days.

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a personal and honest part of yourself with us.

 

[JMohegan]

I've watched this unfold with my FIL in really interesting ways. Suffice it to say his partner now has some hugely significant differences from his wife (gender the least of them in some ways)

It doesn't detract one bit from the life he had married to her that he's enjoying his life as much as he is now and able to express completely different parts of himself.

I'm unsure I buy the one and one shot only at real love premise. I've seen different kinds of lightning strikes all over the place.

I'd be perfectly comfortable with "you'll never be the same as" but "you'll never be as good as" uh uh. No way. I won't move to one of those places I'll be "new" at for the rest of my life either.

I don't think this is a question of buying a premise, any more than there would be some notion of buying the premise that you, Netzach, need M + H + T. It's just a discussion of the way people feel.

Widow/ers, as a group, are not monolithic. I see this as a function of individual wiring plus a relationship-specific thing.

With regard to "you'll never be as good as" - I'd say that's the domain of hardcore humiliation, emotionally masochistic types. I'm not into it, and don't understand the appeal of it from either end. What I'm talking about here is a matter of comparing relationships, rather than comparing individuals.

 

[intothewoods]

I've watched this unfold with my FIL in really interesting ways. Suffice it to say his partner now has some hugely significant differences from his wife (gender the least of them in some ways)

It doesn't detract one bit from the life he had married to her that he's enjoying his life as much as he is now and able to express completely different parts of himself.

I'm unsure I buy the one and one shot only at real love premise. I've seen different kinds of lightning strikes all over the place.

I'd be perfectly comfortable with "you'll never be the same as" but "you'll never be as good as" uh uh. No way. I won't move to one of those places I'll be "new" at for the rest of my life either.

I think it's an interesting question. To date, I have yet to find it to be a useful framework.

Is it possible to love someone for decades, and then go on to love someone else in a different way? Well, again, I guess it just depends on the person.

 

[JMohegan]

Then, no. I can deal with him loving another in addition to me. I can deal with that love being huge and enduring and incredibly strong and deep. But to always be second, while he's first for me? No. Now, if he were second for me also, then sure. I guess it's the imbalance with which I'm not comfortable. I'm too insecure for that.

This is the way every monogamous, non-widowed, female I've ever met thinks. I don't see it as a matter of insecurity at all. It is 100% reasonable and understandable in my view.

 

[subish2009]

This is the way every monogamous, non-widowed, female I've ever met thinks. I don't see it as a matter of insecurity at all. It is 100% reasonable and understandable in my view.

Ah, but I'm not monogamous. However, my online D and I both come second to one another. Not in terms of love, but in terms of the logistical restraints imposed by our primary relationships to our spouses. I don't know if that affects your understanding of my position...my point being, it's the equality thing that gets me. We need to both be first, or both be second, etc., for me to be comfortable with this scenario.

 

[JMohegan]

Ah, but I'm not monogamous. However, my online D and I both come second to one another. Not in terms of love, but in terms of the logistical restraints imposed by our primary relationships to our spouses. I don't know if that affects your understanding of my position...my point being, it's the equality thing that gets me. We need to both be first, or both be second, etc., for me to be comfortable with this scenario.

I don't pretend to understand how your emotional attachments work, but the broader point is the same one I made earlier. A good match in terms of what's expected or desired from the relationship is, as always, key.

 

[JMohegan]

I think it's an interesting question. To date, I have yet to find it to be a useful framework.

Is it possible to love someone for decades, and then go on to love someone else in a different way? Well, again, I guess it just depends on the person.

I believe that the answer to your question is yes, most definitely. But loving someone "in a different way" doesn't necessarily mean loving them to the same extent, or with the same level of import in your life.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

A parent does not love their first born child more than their second born child. (Hopefully)

But will the first born child have a special place in their heart that the second born will never occupy? I believe so. Just by the simple fact that the second child can never be the first born. And the second born will have their own special place in the parent's heart that the first born will never occupy.

I believe it's the same for the widower. Their first partner will always have a special place in their heart that the new partner will never fill. But that doesn't mean they love them any less. They love both partners, past and present, just in different ways.

 

[FurryFury]

My current husband had a previous love that died. Due to my insecurity over an ex using his ex to keep me unsure of our relationship, I needed to hear and believe that my current husband would pick me if his previous love walked in the room, right now. He was able to give me that.

 

[PertPerth]

Yes. There would be an issue if I was the replacement or fill-in, but there would be an issue with that were simply divorced.

Human beings are not limited to one love in their life and there's more to a good relationship than love. It's doable, IMO.

That;s exactly how I feel. In fact, I think it would be easier to date/marry someone who's had their partner die, rather than someone who has been divorced. Death is final, divorce isn't.

 

[ownedsubgal]

no, i would not choose to be seriously involved with a man who would always view me or the love we shared as lesser than what we had with someone previous, dead or not. that would be cruel. but then, i'm one of those who believes in unconditional romantic love, in The One. not that everyone finds or is even intended to find their one true love, but that there is such a thing, and if one finds it nothing else will ever remotely compare. i know that i will never be "in love" with another human being on this planet, that my Master is The One. i have given my entire self over to him and to our love...even if he were to pass away, there is absolutely nothing else in that realm left for anyone else.

so no, i could not be anyone's "second fiddle." actually, even to be considered "first" among others in the heart of the man i love is emotionally devastating to me...because for me "first" sounds like "one of," and "one of" just means not good/special enough to be Only. i guess i am just a hardcore emotional monogamist.

 

[callinectes2]

I think it boils down to awareness on the part of both individuals involved. If I knew he was still deeply in love with his wife but also really wanted to be with me, I'd be fine with it. If he did not make me aware of his bond and I just sort of "caught on" I'd be very unhappy.

I will refrain from asking the obvious question here.