Book-burning, BDSM and the "One True (Casual) Way"

[Etoile]

Wow. I didn't actually know it stood for something. I thought it was just supposed to symbolize that the post was so long that the reader fell asleep face-first into the keyboard, and "tl;dr" is what the nosedive resulted in. Learn something new every day. Thanks, Etoile!

Oh, ok.

Very fitting for anything this dude posts.

My favorite way of expressing it:
http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a4/somerandomcrap/imagemacros/88063daa.jpg[

 

[sb2009]

help the stupid understand!!!!!

 

[graceanne]

My favorite way of expressing it:
http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a4/somerandomcrap/imagemacros/88063daa.jpg

Awesome. LOL And very apt.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

BLoved, you do not accept direct messages.

A year ago, maybe more, I read through a collection of the more intelligent, in-depth BDSM essays on this site. Only one of them stuck with me. It included a comparison of the two types of people in this world, the dog-eat-dog variety who take what they want because they don't believe anyone else will look out for them, and caregivers. The latter being the type who look to bring more positive into the world and trust that the favor will be returned. I've thought about the issue a lot since then, even more in the past few months, and its context in a healthy give/take relationship. So much so, that I came back and read every single essay on literotica that may have been the one I was searching for. I even created this silly screen name. I've spent most of the day on my laptop thinking that it was probably just on the next page, and I've come up short.

As a last resort I came to search out the forums and discovered a post by CutieMouse mentioning one of your compositions. Given your familiar name, your recent burned book post and the title "Casual BDSM and Emotional Abuse", I believe I may have finally found it. If it was yours, please tell me that these guys haven't convinced you to delete the entire essay out of existence and/or that you're not willing to send me a copy. Thank you!

I am really starting to enjoy this thread.

And I copied his stuff when he made noise on the GB about having it deleted. I thought it might create a little chaos later. I'll send it to you if you let me abuse you emotionally.

that's it, greeneyes. we're going to the health department and You are getting tested.

tl;dr

 

[Etoile]

Awesome. LOL And very apt.

You know I loves me some kitties...check out my new netbook skin! 1, 2 - My wife saw it and said "oh wow honey...that is REALLY gay...you are a BIG LESBIAN." ROFL!!

hijacking the thread one post at a time...

 

[graceanne]

Wow. I didn't actually know it stood for something. I thought it was just supposed to symbolize that the post was so long that the reader fell asleep face-first into the keyboard, and "tl;dr" is what the nosedive resulted in. Learn something new every day. Thanks, Etoile!

You were much closer to figuring it out than I was. I kept drawing a complete blank on it.

I'm just glad I wasn't the only one going wtf?

He doesn't accept PMs, so we're all subjected to it. Awesomesauce.

I'm majorly suspicious of any new person who SUDDENLY shows up to uplift a troll. I think it's the trolls alt, but I might be paranoid after princessgoddess and her many alts.

 

[graceanne]

You know I loves me some kitties...check out my new netbook skin! 1, 2 - My wife saw it and said "oh wow honey...that is REALLY gay...you are a BIG LESBIAN." ROFL!!

No! *gasp* Say it isn't so! You're a lesbian?

hijacking the thread one post at a time...

It's a noble calling.

 

[Etoile]

I'm majorly suspicious of any new person who SUDDENLY shows up to uplift a troll. I think it's the trolls alt, but I might be paranoid after princessgoddess and her many alts.

Totally with you there. If somebody's VERY FIRST POST is something of that nature, something is very fishy.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I'm majorly suspicious of any new person who SUDDENLY shows up to uplift a troll. I think it's the trolls alt, but I might be paranoid after princessgoddess and her many alts.

No no no....It is princessgoddess....OMG, I love this....It's all coming full circle!!!

Note the writing style with OMG and ellipses. Thank you. Thank you very much.

 

[Etoile]

No! *gasp* Say it isn't so! You're a lesbian?





It's a noble calling.

Hahahaha! I told her "come on, at least it's a change from pink!" (I had to take the pink skin off to send the netbook for repair.) She said "I know...it's a change from pink...and it's MORE GAY." I told her "well...well...you're a lesbian too!" She said "I know, but your laptop makes you A BIG LESBIAN!" We are silly.

How'm I doing?!

 

[Etoile]

No no no....It is princessgoddess....OMG, I love this....It's all coming full circle!!!

Note the writing style with OMG and ellipses. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Oh no, this person (whichever one we're talking about) wishes they were PrincessGoddess. Nobody is as PURE FUCKING AWESOME as that catastrophe of a person. I mean, I can think of some people who have come on here and been idiots/thrown temper tantrums/etc but nobody holds a CANDLE to PrincessGoddess. I wonder if she ever sued Catalina...

 

[graceanne]

Hahahaha! I told her "come on, at least it's a change from pink!" (I had to take the pink skin off to send the netbook for repair.) She said "I know...it's a change from pink...and it's MORE GAY." I told her "well...well...you're a lesbian too!" She said "I know, but your laptop makes you A BIG LESBIAN!" We are silly.

Silly lesbians?

Now that's just gross.

How'm I doing?!

You're a natural.

Oh no, this person (whichever one we're talking about) wishes they were PrincessGoddess. Nobody is as PURE FUCKING AWESOME as that catastrophe of a person. I mean, I can think of some people who have come on here and been idiots/thrown temper tantrums/etc but nobody holds a CANDLE to PrincessGoddess. I wonder if she ever sued Catalina...

She was one of the more dedicated and smart trolls we've had. She still hasn't run me off lit, like she said, or found where I live and sued me.

I'm just bored enough to wish she'd come back. Does that make me a masochist?

 

[Etoile]

She was one of the more dedicated and smart trolls we've had. She still hasn't run me off lit, like she said, or found where I live and sued me.

I'm just bored enough to wish she'd come back. Does that make me a masochist?

Oh not at all. I, too, have often wished she would return. They just don't make crazy like that anymore.

 

[BiBunny]

She was one of the more dedicated and smart trolls we've had. She still hasn't run me off lit, like she said, or found where I live and sued me.

I'm just bored enough to wish she'd come back. Does that make me a masochist?

In a word, yes.

 

[graceanne]

Oh not at all. I, too, have often wished she would return. They just don't make crazy like that anymore.

I know. *sigh* Samuel was entertaining for awhile, but too easy to piss off.

In a word, yes.

How about in two words?

 

[Etoile]

I know. *sigh* Samuel was entertaining for awhile, but too easy to piss off.

Who, samuelx? He wasn't a troll, he's a longstanding member of the community! He's been posting on GLBT Chatter for years. Or did you mean someone else?

I gotta try to go to bed, I knew the coke at 8pm was a bad idea...

But yes, this troll leaves a lot to be desired compared to PG and whoever it was that pellso27 was "dating" who posted a picture of her pussy with goo and got all angry when we didn't like it. Oh, and wasn't there somebody called doll_parts? And oh man, another one with a K and she was REALLY REALLY NAIVE? That one kind of worried me a little bit actually. She could have gotten into a dangerous situation with that kind of naivete.

 

[graceanne]

Who, samuelx? He wasn't a troll, he's a longstanding member of the community! He's been posting on GLBT Chatter for years. Or did you mean someone else?

Samuelx is a troll. http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=665215 To narrow it down, he's a black supremacist who wants a white woman to fuck him in the ass, but in real life he's a cop who's a serial murderer on the side. Plus, he's a family guy. And he really doesn't like me.

I gotta try to go to bed, I knew the coke at 8pm was a bad idea...

But yes, this troll leaves a lot to be desired compared to PG and whoever it was that pellso27 was "dating" who posted a picture of her pussy with goo and got all angry when we didn't like it. Oh, and wasn't there somebody called doll_parts? And oh man, another one with a K and she was REALLY REALLY NAIVE? That one kind of worried me a little bit actually. She could have gotten into a dangerous situation with that kind of naivete.

Yeah, we've had some good ones. Remember bytor?

 

[BiBunny]

How about in two words?

Hell, yes?

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Oh no, this person (whichever one we're talking about) wishes they were PrincessGoddess. Nobody is as PURE FUCKING AWESOME as that catastrophe of a person. I mean, I can think of some people who have come on here and been idiots/thrown temper tantrums/etc but nobody holds a CANDLE to PrincessGoddess. I wonder if she ever sued Catalina...

Oh no. I was thinking of the recent ellipse/OMG girl, whose monicker I'm blanking on. I did go back and read some of PG's stuff one time. It was like Joker monologues from the Batman movies.

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*
If it was yours, please tell me that these guys haven't convinced you to delete the entire essay out of existence and/or that you're not willing to send me a copy. Thank you!

Damn it to hell, people! I told you that next time you took a road trip to make someone delete their very own messages from the True BDSM god that I wanted to go!!!! It was supposed to be my turn to hold them at flogger fall tips....

Now I shall have to wait for next time.
~pout~





And since we are posting kitties, I present you all with the "Would you SHUT THE FUCK UP!?!?!" kitty:

And who's this princessspecialpants person that everyone keeps talking about?

 

[Netzach]

Man, I haven't had a good sock puppet show in a while.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Oh no, this person (whichever one we're talking about) wishes they were PrincessGoddess. Nobody is as PURE FUCKING AWESOME as that catastrophe of a person. I mean, I can think of some people who have come on here and been idiots/thrown temper tantrums/etc but nobody holds a CANDLE to PrincessGoddess. I wonder if she ever sued Catalina...

Wah!

Princessgoddess was before my time?

Crib notes please team, stat!

 

[BLoved]

BLoved, you do not accept direct messages.

A year ago, maybe more, I read through a collection of the more intelligent, in-depth BDSM essays on this site. Only one of them stuck with me. It included a comparison of the two types of people in this world, the dog-eat-dog variety who take what they want because they don't believe anyone else will look out for them, and caregivers. The latter being the type who look to bring more positive into the world and trust that the favor will be returned. I've thought about the issue a lot since then, even more in the past few months, and its context in a healthy give/take relationship. So much so, that I came back and read every single essay on literotica that may have been the one I was searching for. I even created this silly screen name. I've spent most of the day on my laptop thinking that it was probably just on the next page, and I've come up short.

As a last resort I came to search out the forums and discovered a post by CutieMouse mentioning one of your compositions. Given your familiar name, your recent burned book post and the title "Casual BDSM and Emotional Abuse", I believe I may have finally found it. If it was yours, please tell me that these guys haven't convinced you to delete the entire essay out of existence and/or that you're not willing to send me a copy. Thank you!

If this sounds familiar let me know and I'll send the rest:

On Ethics

"Behave towards others the way you would want them to behave towards you, were the situation reversed."

Seems pretty straight-forward, doesn't it?

What about this one?

"Others will behave towards you the way they expect you to behave towards them."

You won't see that one written down anywhere, but it is nonetheless true.

There are those who expect the best in others, and do their best to offer the same.

And then there are those who expect the worst in others, and will do their best to meet their needs anyway they can.

One might generalize these two concepts as "Cooperation" and "Competition".

Cooperation seeks to harmonize relationships so that all may meet their needs and all may benefit.

Competition seeks private profit without regard for the consequences to others.

Each is a paradigm through which each individual makes choices.

The nature of each individual can be determined by their concern for the consequence of decisions to others.

Cooperation demands concern.

Competition scorns it.

________________________________________

The Ethics of BDSM

There is no concept more essential to BDSM than "Consent".

Without consent BDSM is assault, rape, forcible confinement, kidnapping ...

There are no doubts about this. For BDSM to be "consensual" it must depend upon "consent".

But how does one define "consent"?

For some, it is enough to show up at the door.

For others, it requires lengthy negotiations and a signed agreement.

It can be many different things to different people.

As one might expect, those who choose Cooperation and those who choose Competition have very different ways of looking at this.

Cooperation

Because the focus of Cooperation is that all needs are met and all benefit, those who follow this path concern themselves with issues such as competency.

It is not enough to say "Yes". For a yes" to have meaning, it must be the result of an informed consideration from a competent mind.

The individual must understand what they are agreeing to, and must be in a sober, adult state of mind.

This automatically invalidates consent from children, and adults with afflictions that affect their capacity to judge for themselves the consequences of their decisions.

It also invalidates the consent of those who have no idea what they are getting into. If they are unaware of the risks, they cannot make an informed decision for themselves.

Cooperation requires all of these assessments take place, so as to ensure that all will indeed benefit.

And even so, despite all of these precautions, problems can arise.

I will discuss more of that in "Living with Trauma: Cycles of Self-Destruction".

Competition

Because the focus of Competition is personal gain, without concern for the consequences of others, "consent" becomes a vague and nebulous concept.

Whatever definition is applied, it will serve the needs of the one seeking consent, not necessarily the one who gives it.

And this does not apply just to the idea of consent, it applies to all activities.

If one is willing to play fast and loose with consent, what is one willing to do when it comes to limits and safewords?

What about health and safety concerns?

Again, none of these are concerns for the one seeking consent.

His concern is his own personal gain.

He has no concern for the consequences to those he uses to get what he wants.

His is a strictly cost/benefit mentality. The less he can put in and the more he can get out, the better.

This is not an individual who is going to get to know the submissive, whether he gives that appearance or not. He doesn't want to know her. He wants to use her.

As long as she is willing to be used, he is happy. If she becomes unwilling, he will find another.

His concern is only for his own personal gain.

________________________________________

Love and Fear and BDSM

By now it will be obvious that those who focus on Cooperation act from Love. The degree to which they love isn't an issue, they love to some degree to care for the well-being of others.

And because they care for the well-being of others, health and safety risks are minimized, as are the risks that limits and safewords will be ignored.

This approach also recognizes the value of after-care.

Those who focus on Competition act from Fear. Their focus on personal gain without concern for others is a result of their fear they live in a dog-eat-dog world, and that if they don't grab what they want, they will never get it as no one will cooperate and give it to them.

For them it is 'use or be used'.

That some of them can cooperate in casual groups does not alter this.

Dogs hunt in packs yet will fight for the spoils.

Yet Love and Fear do not act on the domly types alone. They also motivate the submissives.

Some submissives give because the Love within them for another inspires them to give.

Some submissives give out of fear that if they don't they will not be loved, accepted, desired.

The one who loves is concerned for how her behaviour benefits another. Cooperation.

The one who fears is concerned for how her behaviour benefits herself (that others benefit is the cost she must pay to get what she wants). Competition.

The consequences for these couplings depends very much on the nature(s) of those involved.

The very best combination (and the one I seek) is a Cooperative Dom with a Cooperative submissive. Both are thinking of the well-being of the other.

The very worst combination is the Competitive Dom with a Competitive submissive. Her need for approval is a terrible weapon in the hands of a selfish dom. Simply by grinding down her self-respect he can make it impossible for her to leave. Those familiar with the symptoms of spousal abuse would recognize this relationship as being very similar.

With either of the other two combinations, there is an opportunity for healing, and an opportunity for abuse.

A Cooperative dom with a Competitive submissive can offer the submissive the experience that helps her overcome her low self-esteem. On the other hand the submissive can be emotionally abusive and drain the dom.

A Competitive dom with a Cooperative submissive has a chance to physically and emotionally abuse the submissive. Her need to heal the pain that caused his fear can lead her to return repeatedly and tolerate much before the abuse reaches a point where she cannot return. On the other hand, her love could be what he needs to turn his back on fear.

To the degree we believe in the best in others we will be inclined towards provide loving cooperation and will expect to find the best in others.

To the degree we believe in the worst in others we will be inclined towards taking what we want out of fear that no one will love us enough to give us what we want.

Love or Fear, we exist under the sway of one or the other.

Never both.

Self-Respect

Self-respect means to have a healthy concern for your well-being: mental, physical, emotional, and for those who believe in it, spiritual.

It means to take care of yourself, embrace healthy choices and reject unhealthy ones.

It means to be truthful with one's self. To be completely candid. To recognize the consequences for one's decisions and to accept responsibility for those consequences. Not just the consequences as they affect you, but also as they affect others involved.

This is not about how others see you. It is not about flattery or delusions of grandeur.

This is about you taking care of you. A quiet, calm, fair assessment.

That which promotes self-respect is healthy.

That which inhibits self-respect is unhealthy.

To the degree one exhibits these qualities is the degree to which one feels self-respect, and thus the degree to which one can feel and express love towards another.

To the degree one lacks these qualities is the degree to which one feels a lack of self-respect, and thus is susceptible to control by Fear.

Abuse

Abuse is the process of inhibiting self-respect.

The more one believes they are deserving of mental, physical, emotional and/or spiritual degradation, the more inhibited self-respect will be, and thus the greater the abuse done.

This is not a natural condition. Babies are not born believing this.

People are taught to believe this about themselves.

Considering we are all born with an aversion to such treatment, shunning away from it being a natural response, the fact someone believes themselves deserving of nothing better is evidence of past abuse.

At some point she was taught to expect no better treatment, to tolerate the treatment she got ... to see herself "deserving" the abuse.

Whether a submissive is predisposed to abuse because of past abuse, or whether she is unable to see that the dom she loves is incapable of giving love back, either in the hands of a Competitive dom will find his needs are met better the more they inhibit their self-respect.

The longer this goes on, the greater the damage done to their self-respect.

Living with Trauma: Cycles of Self-Destruction

As was described in the previous section, past abuse can predispose a submissive to accept more abuse.

This is not inevitable. Love has a healing quality when it comes to abuse.

Whether the love of one person can heal the abuse suffered by another very much depends on the individuals and the degree to which Love and Fear motivates them.

But there is no cure for abuse but Love.

Love helps to restore self-respect.

Love provides a solid foundation from which one can determine what is real, what is flattery, and what is delusion.

Love does not deceive.

But for those who do not find love, and for those combinations of people where the love of one was insufficient to overcome the fears of the abused, there continues this diminished sense of self-respect.

In their need for relief, they seek solace in the arms of others. But in allowing themselves to be used for the sake of the illusion of being desired they further undermine their self-respect.

Some, convinced they are not doing enough to be desirable, seek to go further, casting off limits if need be, ignoring safety concerns and pushing themselves to the brink of extinction, emotionally if not physically as well.

It is a vicious cycle which, if not stopped, eventually leaves the submissive incapable of accepting love, pushing away anything that looks like love.

After so much abuse, she simply no longer believes in it, or no longer believes herself worthy of it.

She may well go to the extreme of only seeking out situations where there is no chance of Love entering her world.

Jaded and calloused, she may even join in the abuse of others.

After so much abuse, the ability to relate to the feelings of others grows numb.

Just as it does for the domly types who abuse others.

________________________________________

________________________________________

The Case for Love

Love strengthens self-respect, in the lover and the one loved.

Love respects consent and the lack of consent.

Love tolerates no deception.

Love is patient and thorough.

Love never places a beloved at risk.

Love delights in the sharing of discovery and exploration.

Love needs no previous experience.

Love heals.

Love has meaning, not just for one night, but night after night after ...

Love isn't lonely.

Love is much more than lust.

Love challenges us to be our best, because it demands of us that we care for another as much as we care for ourselves.

As we would not deny ourselves our best, so too do we not deny our best to those we love.

To be our best we must be willing to grow, to learn, to explore and discover, always respecting our selves and each other.

Love offers all of this to those who have the courage to believe in themselves, to respect themselves, to respect others.

Love offers itself to those who turn their backs on Fear.

Love offers itself to those who choose to be what they were born to be.

Human.

 

[BLoved]

I said to myself that I wouldn't bring this up. But You have forced me.

I needed You that night in Memphis. That hot, sultry night when we found each other, two lost souls brought together by fate and yes, too much pineapple vodka. You told me you loved me. Loved me. There, in Room 207 of the Executel Inn, we clawed and groped each other as the fast-food wrappers swirled outside in the streetlight. You promised me everything, if I would but surrender to You. That the paddles and rope and ball gags were merely tangible evidence of what the good universe had bestowed, wrapped at our feet.

You bastard. All I needed was to be held. I was trembling, bruised, confused. I just needed You to hold me. I just needed You to tell me I was your "good greeneyes."

You left to buy cigarettes and a Powerball ticket.

And you never came back.

Don't speak to me of true love and respect. Because of You, I will never stray too far from the sidewalk. Because of You, I learned to play on the safe side.

I want my fucking butterfly wings back.

I think it deliberately deceptive of you to quote me, write the above and not indicate anywhere that whomever you are speaking of, it isn't me.

Not only have I never met you, I've never been to Memphis.

I would never and have never treated anyone in the manner you've described.

 

[chy_girl]

I wonder if it's possible to have an entire conversation in just pictures?