what am I to do?

[Luna_Bella]

Sorry for the novel But I need a bit of advice.

Over the weekend I was discussing with one of my friend(been friends since pre-teens) about how it was nice to go out every once in a while without our partners.(As most of the regulars know I am married and my friend has been dating a girl for a few month now) when he told me that maybe I was too young when I settled, and that I didn't even take time to give him a chance. Now in the mean time is ex-girlfriend showed up at the club where we were and she was on a mission to bed him and I mean she tried everything from dirty text messages to literally hanging from his neck... being very polite he declined all advances but between ex-gf attacks he would ask what I was doing later and flirt with me to then laugh it off.

His ex was going nuts trying to get to him but he just wouldn't give in. He got sick of her and decided to go home insisting that he take me home at the same time ( I told him it wasn't necessary since i live at walking distance from where we were and it was out of his way, but He nearly carried me to his car and took me home.

I know he wouldn't make a move on me or straight out tell me that he's interested, he might not like my husband but he has great respect for him, But there is definetly something lingering and I am not sure How to deal with it,

I really like this guy and if I was single I wouldn't have even thought about it. But I am not single and usually I would talk to my husband about it but in this situation they are co-workers and for some reason they don't exactly like each other, their relationship is strickly based on trust and respect and in their profession respect and team spirit is crucial. so I don't want to start a bickering, smart comment war.

I don't want to turn the guy down, I really like himand really enjoy his company but its not like I can do any different .

any advice on how to deal with this?

 

[wicked woman]

Make it clear to him where the line is drawn and that you enjoy seeing him as long as he's on the correct side of the line. If you're concerned about him crossing the line, don't go out alone with him.

Reducing the opportunity of trouble might be safest if you've any concern about either of you having difficulty with the line. If you both know where the line is and that's fine...nothing wrong with seeing him.

 

[silverwhisper]

luna, whatever you do, it is in your best interests not to acknowledge that you might even have some kind of mutual attraction.

i think that your best bet here is to be up front and blunt. and yes, you do need to be a little cruel here. the ugly truth of the matter is that if you leave that door even slightly ajar, anything you say will serve only to give him hope--and really, that is the kind of cruelty you need to avoid.

so IMHO, you are best served by saying something like, "look, we've known each other for a long time but the truth is that i'm uncomfortable with your attraction to me. i'm married and nothing, not even a good friend of longstanding, is going to threaten that. i care about you, but only as my friend."

it's important that you tell him that there's no hope as unambiguously as possible, luna. because unless you actually want something to happen with this guy, anything less will leave that door ajar--and that's cruel.

ed

 

[Luna_Bella]

Thanks for your input Silverwhisper and Wicked woman.... I basically already knew what I had to do but I just needed to hear it from someone else.

It will break my heart but I know what I need to do.... I can't drag him along with some hopes that maybe someday something might happen... it is just cruel.

 

[fenghuang]

I'm in complete agreement. If he thinks there's a chance, it's quite likely he'll persue it.

You ought to be fair to him, to yourself, and to your husband. If you're not happy in one relationship, deal with that situation before you get into another, because unless everyone knows, and everyone is ok with it, everyone will get hurt. And even if evryone is ok with it, there's still no garantee no one will get hurt.

 

[wicked woman]

luna, whatever you do, it is in your best interests not to acknowledge that you might even have some kind of mutual attraction.

i think that your best bet here is to be up front and blunt. and yes, you do need to be a little cruel here. the ugly truth of the matter is that if you leave that door even slightly ajar, anything you say will serve only to give him hope--and really, that is the kind of cruelty you need to avoid.

so IMHO, you are best served by saying something like, "look, we've known each other for a long time but the truth is that i'm uncomfortable with your attraction to me. i'm married and nothing, not even a good friend of longstanding, is going to threaten that. i care about you, but only as my friend."

it's important that you tell him that there's no hope as unambiguously as possible, luna. because unless you actually want something to happen with this guy, anything less will leave that door ajar--and that's cruel.

ed

Reminds me that I often tell people that sometimes I just need to be hit over the head...don't be too subtle.

 

[Luna_Bella]

lol exactly Wickedwoman thats what i needed and I knew it... thanks for giving it to me guys

 

[Luna_Bella]

this is getting complicated and I never intended it to be,

I talked with my friend(Lets call him Evan so that you know who I am talking about), he said he knew where I stood and that he doesn't in anyway want to come between me and my husband, but that he wanted me to know that he's there if I need him in anyway ( my marriage has been having issues lately, but we are trying to work it out, I never straight told him about it but somehow he knows) but I made it clear that flirting was fine but that it would never, ever go any further.


Well now believe it or not my husband believes I'm sleeping with Evan! I have always been loyal and faithful, but my husband always had trust issues. I told him everything that had happened(which is nothing really except the flirting but he already knew about it) and told him that I had made it clear to Evan that I was going to respect my marriage vows. My hubby said that no matter what I said if it hadn't happened yet it was going to happen someday, that Evan had already waited like 10 years to get to me and that he wasn't about to give up, I looked at him a bit confused when he said that, He started laughing and said that it was plain to see that Evan had always had a soft spot, a thing for me for me, that I was the only one who didn't know. I know that he likes me but we are friends so of course he cares about me!

If it was that easy I would simply give up on my friendship with Evan but at this point I don't think I can, like I mentionned previously my husband and him are coworkers so every time they have parties etc ... he'll be there, since we are long time friends we have many of the same friends, we hang out in the same places,I am friends with many of his relatives and am invited to practically every parties or event they put on. I can't just start ignoring everybody!

on top of everything, I am beggining to think that I would be stupid to give up on a friendship that been established so long ago because my husband has trust issues Seriously I would be giving up a lot , My marriage is important to me but I don't want to shut myself away from the world for fear that my husband may have suspiscions that Evan and I are having an affair!

plus Yes I really like Evan but I would never think about actually being with him, I know him and I know he's a bit of a womanizer, yes I enjoy the flirt and I think he's cute but I would never actually think that it could go any further than that!

I don't know what to do anymore, give up on my social life to make the husband happy (which probably wouldn't help our marriage any because Evan is not the source of our problems)

or tell the husband to suck it up that I won't give up on my friendship and social life because of his trust issues and put fuel on the fire. The way I see it he's feeling threatened because he thinks that I'll have a "place to run to" If I decide to end the marriage or that It makes me see that I have options.....

I have warned Evan of the whole affair thing and he laughed it off saying I should drug test my husband because he was defineltly not thinking straight.

their relationship has not changed the least bit, they still work well together without a trace of ressentment or bickering or anything which makes me even the more confused as to WTF is my husband thinking?

I don't know.... and I have some serious thinking to do as to how I should handle the situation.

but I welcome any comment or advice you may have for me!

sorry about the novel but I need to vent!

 

[DrHappy]

I’m going to be blunt.

After reading your earlier posts, it sounds like your husband has reason to feel uneasy about your relationship with Evan. It sounds Evan wouldn’t hesitate sleeping without you if you had too much to drink. I’ll bet that you husband knows a bit about Evan’s behavior with women. I was puzzled when you stated that you told him flirting was fine. I wouldn’t be happy about some guy flirting with my wife, especially if I knew that he had real intentions and hopes of sleeping with her. I can imagine a scenario where I’d be okay with a trustworthy friend of mine innocently flirting with my wife, but not someone who doesn’t respect our marriage.

You say that you’ve always been faithful, but it sounds like you’ve already over stepped by allowing yourself to become emotionally connected to this guy. Might this be an emotional affair? Maybe I’m reading too much in your word, but you seem WAY too attached to this guy for someone who is married. If you hadn’t, it wouldn’t be such a big deal for you. How often do you go out without your partners? My wife occasionally goes out without me, but it’s not like her relationships with her friends are dependent on these outings.

Even the best marriages will have their ups and downs. There is nothing unusually about your situation with your marriage. Good marriages take work.

 

[Luna_Bella]

Dr. Happy, Evan would never try to take advantage of a situation with me drinking to much or anything like that , first I dont drink often but if I do its never enough not to know what I am doing, and second i've been drunk around him(not lately but during our teens) to know that he always makes sure to take me safely back home(he rarely drinks), never once made a move on me.

as for the flirting, why shouldn't it be ok, my husband openly flirts with my best friend and it doesn't offend me any. Evan and I have been flirting forever and it never bothered him before.

Yes I am emotionnaly connected to him, but we have been friends for so long that I don't know how I could not be... his siblings are my friends, his mother considers me part of the family(as she does my husband, we are a close knit community everybody knows everybody) so yeah I am emotionally connected to him, but I don't believe that I crossed any lines since my husband always knew about that connection because it has always been there even before we got married.

I personnally go out with my girlfriends, without my husband about twice a month, Evan is not with me when i go out although it happened once or twice that we run into him(like the instance where he took me home) but like I said we hang out at the same places, So we are bound to see each other at some point.

I know that all marriages have ups and downs and that it takes work..... I am not as naive as to think everything should always be peachy, I just think that I am stuck in a situation where I am unsure on how to handle the situation.

 

[fuckmeat]

Hi Luna_Bella

The best way to figure out how to handle things with your husband is to understand how he is feeling. If he was good friends with some woman who had fancied him for years, was known to be a man-eater and who went out of her way to be alone with him (as when your friend insisted on taking you home) wouldn't you be upset and feel threatened?

I know Evan has been part of your life for a long time but that doesn't mean your husband has no right to have issues with him if he's flirting with you and saying things like he wished he got with you before you married. I think Dr Happy is right, to clarify things you should tell him flirting is not acceptable because it's not really harmless. You might think it is but your husband doesn't and if you responded, Evan would be all over you, right? That's not harmless.

Another thing that spoke to me was when you said, "I had made it clear to Evan that I was going to respect my marriage vows." I don't know you and I might be way off base but that smacks a little of emotional fineprint. It suggests that were you not bound by marriage vows, you might sleep with him. If that's the wording you used when talking to your husband, he might feel that you have an attraction to Evan and only your duty to him is holding you back; not love, duty, which is a very hollow victory for him.

Reading over your posts, I think you need to tread carefully. If you ride roughshod over your husband's concerns because Evan is an old friend, he will remain concerned and mistrustful. And Evan may well read more into your insistence on retaining his friendship than you would like.

Just my tuppence.

 

[Luna_Bella]

If he was good friends with some woman who had fancied him for years, was known to be a man-eater and who went out of her way to be alone with him (as when your friend insisted on taking you home) wouldn't you be upset and feel threatened?

Actually I wouldn't I am not a jealous person and I trust him to do what is right. My husband is not jealous of Evan specifically he is jealous of any guy who dares talk to me Its just that usually I just swat them away so the story ends there, I repeatedly tell him that I married him because I love him to bits and he's my everything. That I choose him above everybody else! Evan included!

 

[Luna_Bella]

also as funny as it sounds he was never jealous of Evan until a few weeks ago, if has he says, Evan always had a soft spot for me you 'd think that he would have always been jealous or protective...

anyways I guess I'll just have to avoid Evan, he'll know why and will understand, I hope.