What to do when your Dom dumps you?

[NervousNellie]

Oh, my gawd. I've never had a Dom before. This was all a really new experience for me. Brought out all kinds of things in me that I had no idea were even there.

But things went suddenly sour & he has unceremoniously dumped me & left me with a big problem. My orgasms have become so keyed into him that for the several days since this happened I can't orgasm without him. I get right to the brink then just can't go over the edge. Then realize it's because I'm feeling like I need his permission.

Damn it! Am I going to need his permission to no longer need his permission to be able to move past this? I feel like I've lost my mind that I've let someone into my head this much. Crap!

 

[Ohiorob]

Learning about ourselves has it's risks ....but usually comes with more long term benefits. D/s can be incredibly intimate so choosing the right partner to welcome is risky business.

Years ago a sub that I truely loved ended our relationship. We talk occasionally and I still miss her.

Time heals. Good luck.

 

[callinectes2]

It is like any other break up. You grieve and then you get on with life. I don't subscribe to the notion that D/s BDSM types have more intimate relationships than vanilla couples. Breakups hurt no matter what kind of relationship you had.

 

[DVS]

Oh, my gawd. I've never had a Dom before. This was all a really new experience for me. Brought out all kinds of things in me that I had no idea were even there.

But things went suddenly sour & he has unceremoniously dumped me & left me with a big problem. My orgasms have become so keyed into him that for the several days since this happened I can't orgasm without him. I get right to the brink then just can't go over the edge. Then realize it's because I'm feeling like I need his permission.

Damn it! Am I going to need his permission to no longer need his permission to be able to move past this? I feel like I've lost my mind that I've let someone into my head this much. Crap!

Take it easy, the world hasn't come to an end. Sure, it hurts right now, but in a little while, it will get better. I hate to say that this takes time, but it does. I don't know how much time because that's different with each of us.

If he's truly gone from your life, you need to forget him. I don't mean forget him totally, just as your sexual Dom. I know that's not easy if he had a strong hold on you. But you are a person with desires and needs of your own. Be strong within yourself so you can separate your feelings from his control.

In a little while, you'll be OK. Because he was your first Dom, you probably attach all of those new feelings that you've experienced to him. He wasn't the reason you experienced them. Actually, he was just there for the ride. Those feelings were inside of you...brought out because of you. You allowed him to control you and you trusted him. It was he who failed you.

Don't worry, you're still the same person, and there's nothing wrong with you. You'll meet someone else and he'll be that prefect match that you deserve.

P.S.
I wish you lived in Kansas.

 

[goodgirlfl]

Aww first of all big (((HUGS)))) to you.

I know that you cant believe it now but it will get better, the pain will go away over time and you will heal.

My first Dom just up and left me with no goodbye, he just disappeared and it hurt like hell. I cried for days until I couldnt anymore. I finally wrote him a goodbye email and tried to gain some closure. It took me awhile until the pain of heartbreak went away and I moved on with my life.

In spite of it, it made me a better person and I look back now that I am glad that he was in my life for a while.

Things will get better for you in time.

And then that special one will come along when you are ready and make everything right in your world and you will feel whole again and one that truly deserves you and your love.

Hang in there

 

[NervousNellie]

Lit people are so supportive. Thanks for the encouragement.

I was talking online with another friend from Lit today and kind of stumbled onto an analogy for myself.

I'd been giving him ownership of my various orifices for several months now & it had really taken hold. Finally went for a real life meet up & he only laid claim to my mouth, leaving my other bits feeling like abandoned claims.

With that analogy in hand I realized that an abandoned claim should revert to it's original owner . . . ME! So I was happy to resume all rights & privileges associated with ownership.

Feeling so much better this evening, much more relaxed.

 

[FurryFury]

I'm so glad you are working through your loss and reclaiming yourself!

*hugs and hugs*

 

[goodgirlfl]

Glad that you are feeling better about yourself. Sometimes it takes small steps in the beginning to get where you want to go.

Just keep at it and you will get there, but don't rush yourself either. Take your time and grieve for your loss and then move on when you are ready.

And before you know it someone will come into your life and completely take your breath away. And life will be better than it was before. I know from first hand experience, because it happened to me.

Keep the faith my friend.

 

[C Stephen]

Oh, my gawd. I've never had a Dom before. This was all a really new experience for me. Brought out all kinds of things in me that I had no idea were even there.

But things went suddenly sour & he has unceremoniously dumped me & left me with a big problem. My orgasms have become so keyed into him that for the several days since this happened I can't orgasm without him. I get right to the brink then just can't go over the edge. Then realize it's because I'm feeling like I need his permission.

Damn it! Am I going to need his permission to no longer need his permission to be able to move past this? I feel like I've lost my mind that I've let someone into my head this much. Crap!

Nellie,
I am sorry for your loss. I went through a major loss of my own no too long ago and had no interest in sex for a couple of months. The good news was that once I gave myself permission to get on with life things worked out fine. By being open to my needs and respecting myself I ended up far happier than I have ever been in my life.

It is amazing how we can land on our feet given a chance. Take what you have learned forward in your life. Strange as it seems others do not bring us to special places as much as act as a medium for us to fully express what is within us. You will find another who can bring out this part of you it just takes patience.

 

[JupitersGirl]

Feeling so much better this evening, much more relaxed.

What a difference 6 hours makes!

 

[sensualsub]

Thank you

Thank you for the post, it has helped me too. I'm just coming out of similar situation. He just disappeared. It's very hard to deal with. You give me hope that things will get better.

 

[NervousNellie]

Thanks again to all of you. The supportive posts & PMs have helped.

I seem to be moving through the stages of grief for the relationship much more quickly than I imagined I would. It's the friendship that I'll be missing for a very long, long time. We had been friends for 30 years (albeit not in continual contact) and the D/s thing was a very new element that had come into play. Moving through the week I'm finding that I really miss the sound of his voice & his laugh. Damn it!

I find I need to really put myself on guard in the next few weeks. I'm very susceptible to certain triggers & need to make sure I keep my head & don't just react to them.

This should be easier now that I have reclaimed my orgasms and am not feeling so driven by the ache of unfulfilled needs.

 

[goodgirlfl]

Thank you for the post, it has helped me too. I'm just coming out of similar situation. He just disappeared. It's very hard to deal with. You give me hope that things will get better.

(((HUGS)))) to you too.

I know those feelings all to well, it was so hard for me to deal with for a while, I was devastated and felt like I was torn in half. But as I said in my posts, as time went by it got better, I got over him and moved on.

We all learn from these things that happen in our lives and it makes us stronger.

It will get better, just hang in there. You are not alone, we are all here for you.

 

[sensualsub]

(((HUGS)))) to you too.

We all learn from these things that happen in our lives and it makes us stronger.

It will get better, just hang in there. You are not alone, we are all here for you.

Thank you for your encouraging words and support! It does give me comfort knowing that there are others out there that understand what I'm going through.

 

[sensualsub]

Thanks again to all of you. The supportive posts & PMs have helped.

I seem to be moving through the stages of grief for the relationship much more quickly than I imagined I would. It's the friendship that I'll be missing for a very long, long time. We had been friends for 30 years (albeit not in continual contact) and the D/s thing was a very new element that had come into play. Moving through the week I'm finding that I really miss the sound of his voice & his laugh. Damn it!

I find I need to really put myself on guard in the next few weeks. I'm very susceptible to certain triggers & need to make sure I keep my head & don't just react to them.

This should be easier now that I have reclaimed my orgasms and am not feeling so driven by the ache of unfulfilled needs.

Stay strong Nellie! I can sympathize with what you are going through.

 

[goodgirlfl]

Thank you for your encouraging words and support! It does give me comfort knowing that there are others out there that understand what I'm going through.

You are very welcome, that's what we are all here for to support each other through the good times and bad.

 

[NervousNellie]

Stay strong Nellie! I can sympathize with what you are going through.

You hang in there, too, Sensual!

I think I'm going to go fire up a little Prince & listen to Pussy Control & remember that I am, was & always will be Pussy Control.

(I really love this silly song.)

 

[sensualsub]

You hang in there, too, Sensual!

I think I'm going to go fire up a little Prince & listen to Pussy Control & remember that I am, was & always will be Pussy Control.

(I really love this silly song.)

Thank you!! I will have to find that song online, it sounds interesting.

 

[NervousNellie]

Follow-up

Well, made it through the first week pretty well. Had my down times, but made it through. Then he called me on the weekend. Stirred it all back up again. He decided we could continue in a more secretive capacity. Then he texted me, so I texted him back & he got all pissy about it again.

Oh, my god! I feel like I am back in high school. I'm too old for this kind of petty crap. I've been married a very long time & had forgotten what it was like to deal with a boyfriend & eventual breakup with one.

At least all of this is helping to give me clarity on what I don't want in my next Dom.

Hope things are still going well for you, Sensual!

 

[FurryFury]

Glad you saw this "Dom" wasn't for you.

Btw, if they leave you in the lurch once, they will do it again and again. So NOT worth it.

Well, made it through the first week pretty well. Had my down times, but made it through. Then he called me on the weekend. Stirred it all back up again. He decided we could continue in a more secretive capacity. Then he texted me, so I texted him back & he got all pissy about it again.

Oh, my god! I feel like I am back in high school. I'm too old for this kind of petty crap. I've been married a very long time & had forgotten what it was like to deal with a boyfriend & eventual breakup with one.

At least all of this is helping to give me clarity on what I don't want in my next Dom.

Hope things are still going well for you, Sensual!

 

[ImOnIt]

Tell him to be fucking consistent, then tell him you're no longer available.

Post results?

 

[Tuomas]

Not to hijack the thread -and a great hug to anyone who is in the position of the OP and sensualsub- but is it just me, or is there a trend with Doms dumping their girlfriends (let's face reality here, BDSM is "play") without a word as it were? Not just in this topic, obviously, because that's what it's about, but in general.

@ImOnIt I need to read your siggie in the morning more often

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

(let's face reality here, BDSM is "play")

Expand and clarify, please.

 

[Tuomas]

Expand and clarify, please.

You have a relationship -to continue with the topic theme- you and your girlfriend. You and she like BDSM and agree to engage in, well, whatever your kink is, Dom and sub. You both like it, everything is fun and good. However, regardless of the lifestyle, the inescapable fact is that you are boyfriend and girlfriend, who are consenting to play the roles for your mutual enjoyment, enlightenment or whatever. As you girlfriend she might be your "slave", for example, but she's still your girlfriend. Key word: friend.

So, when a Dom "dismisses" his pyl, he's breaking up with his girlfriend. That's the fact I wanted faced.

 

[Hisbeauty]

I disagree. The Dominant I serve is not my boyfriend, and He would not like me to call Him that.

There is much more to the relationship than that. And it works for me.