Help please

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Okay, I do not know if this is the place for this, but I want someone to take a look at this peace, and just give me some pointers. To me it reads overwritten, like I'm trying too hard. I hate the first line, it sounds so fricking pretentious. Look at it if you have the time, feelings won't get hurt. But be constructive. I want to make it better. I know little of the rules of poetry, and just write what comes, so . . . here it be.

Arrows through heart welcomed.

Tipping the Velvet

Lasciviously sugared butterfly
between petals so divine,
tasting your moist nectar
is like drinking heavenly wine.

Within the valley of Eden
your sacred apple I do bite,
to sate of my prurient desire
caused by a sexual appetite.

It is to you I greedily drink,
oh flittering butterfly—
Sustenance of the Gods—
with my virgin tongue I must purify.

Within my mouth you quiver,
as orgasm finds her Mistress
with spewing fountains of honey,
an erotic pleasure as recompense.

Cupid, with your arrow,
pierce this butterfly,
with a meteoric splendor
that climbs o'er mountains in the sky.

One day, in my reflection,
the holy insect flitters by,
still swimming in sweet nectar
in the valley between the thighs.

 

[WickedEve]

For now I'll just point out a small problem I had when reading the poem. A few spots had one syllable too many.

Within the valley of Eden
your sacred apple I do bite,
to sate of my prurient desire
caused by a sexual appetite.

It is to you I greedily drink,
oh flittering butterfly—
Sustenance of the Gods—
with my virgin tongue I must purify.

In that last line above, maybe take out either "must" or "my" -- or both.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Thanks for the look. I'll rework it when my brain rests, then repost.

Espie

 

[bflagsst]

Okay, I do not know if this is the place for this, but I want someone to take a look at this peace, and just give me some pointers. To me it reads overwritten, like I'm trying too hard. I hate the first line, it sounds so fricking pretentious. Look at it if you have the time, feelings won't get hurt. But be constructive. I want to make it better. I know little of the rules of poetry, and just write what comes, so . . . here it be.

Arrows through heart welcomed.

Tipping the Velvet

Lasciviously sugared butterfly
between petals so divine,
tasting your moist nectar
is like drinking heavenly wine.

Sugared butterfly, between petals, tasting nectar, drinking wine is a good idea, the additional words are a bit too much.

Within the valley of Eden
your sacred apple I do bite,
to sate of my prurient desire
caused by a sexual appetite.

apple as vagina doesn't make sense to me, maybe sacred plum or fig. prurient and sexual are too much.

It is to you I greedily drink,
oh flittering butterfly—
Sustenance of the Gods—
with my virgin tongue I must purify.

I don't really like this stanza, I'd try and find a way to say sustenance without gods.

Within my mouth you quiver,
as orgasm finds her Mistress
with spewing fountains of honey,
an erotic pleasure as recompense.

I'd make the orgasm the mistress over the matter. Sprewing fountains is unappealing

Cupid, with your arrow,
pierce this butterfly,
with a meteoric splendor
that climbs o'er mountains in the sky.

Having Cupid with an arrow in a poem is a bit much. Meteroic splendor doesn't appeal to me as an image of splendor. Mountains in the sky is like a few of the lines in the later stanzas, it's almost like you stopped trying as hard.

One day, in my reflection,
the holy insect flitters by,
still swimming in sweet nectar
in the valley between the thighs.

Repetition is fine, but that which is repeated should probably be the strongest part of the poem

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Repetition is fine, but that which is repeated should probably be the strongest part of the poem

Good, You're forcing me to find simplicity, subtlety. I'll re-post a rewrite, and hope you get to look.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Take 2

Critique appreciated

Tipping the Velvet

Sugared butterfly
between petals divine,
tasting your moist nectar
is like drinking heavenly wine.

Within the valley of Eden
your sacred plum I do bite,
to sate my desire
caused by lusty appetite.

You I sup,
fluttering butterfly—
Sustenance without a God—
How do I purify?

Quiver butterfly,
find orgasm's joy
with flowing fountains of honey,
erotic pleasure as reward.

Looking in pooled reflection,
the insect floats by,
still swimming in sweet nectar
in the valley between the thighs.

 

[DrewberryLess]

Wow, what a difference. Will bflagsst please come back and grace us with a few more comments on the new poem? I love the original version, and the revised poem is even better.

 

[bflagsst]

Wow, what a difference. Will bflagsst please come back and grace us with a few more comments on the new poem? I love the original version, and the revised poem is even better.

oops, I forgot to say something, but I did read it again probably right after Esperanza posted it. It's much better, a really good poem in my opinion. The superfluous words are gone. I hope he or she posts it on their Literotica submissions page so other people can read it.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

oops, I forgot to say something, but I did read it again probably right after Esperanza posted it. It's much better, a really good poem in my opinion. The superfluous words are gone. I hope he or she posts it on their Literotica submissions page so other people can read it.

Yes, read it. The poem is posted now in the original form, but I'll send the edit. You changed my perspective and made me look at extra words in all my poetry. I think I'll illustrate this one, and submit it. It gives me images of butterflies flying over a young girl looking at her reflection in a pond. Thank you for taking the time.

Espie

 

[vrosej10]

Yes, read it. The poem is posted now in the original form, but I'll send the edit. You changed my perspective and made me look at extra words in all my poetry. I think I'll illustrate this one, and submit it. It gives me images of butterflies flying over a young girl looking at her reflection in a pond. Thank you for taking the time.

Espie

My only quibble after the excellent help from the others, is the end rhyme in the first stanza. This is a serious poem, maybe, if you can't lose it, move it to the subtler internal rhyme. I will qualify this by saying this is a matter of personal taste. I liked the poem. I had a bad end rhyme experience with quite a serious poem a while ago (I read this beautiful and sad poem that was made a joke by end rhyme done badly) and it's made me leery.

 

[bflagsst]

My only quibble after the excellent help from the others, is the end rhyme in the first stanza. This is a serious poem, maybe, if you can't lose it, move it to the subtler internal rhyme. I will qualify this by saying this is a matter of personal taste. I liked the poem. I had a bad end rhyme experience with quite a serious poem a while ago (I read this beautiful and sad poem that was made a joke by end rhyme done badly) and it's made me leery.

I can see how a simile like "heavenly wine" might not sit that well on the ear, but her meter is sort of haphazard enough to offset the consistent end rhyme. I think the poem sits well between traditional form and free verse. I'd actually suggest making the line that ends in "reward" follow the "by, fly, -y" end rhyme scheme. I'd also question the capitalization of "How" and "Sustenance" after the double hyphens, but that's more of a personal fetish of mine.

 

[CharleyH]

Take 2

Critique appreciated

Tipping the Velvet

Sugared butterfly
between petals divine,
tasting your moist nectar
is like drinking heavenly wine.

Within the valley of Eden
your sacred plum I do bite,
to sate my desire
caused by lusty appetite.

You I sup,
fluttering butterfly—
Sustenance without a God—
How do I purify?

Quiver butterfly,
find orgasm's joy
with flowing fountains of honey,
erotic pleasure as reward.

Looking in pooled reflection,
the insect floats by,
still swimming in sweet nectar
in the valley between the thighs.

You left the 'do' in this, and I agree with Wicked Eve that the poem reads better without it. This being said, I am not strong in poetic grammar. I am strong in semiotics, though. I find much of your metaphor typical and therefore weak. I don't mean to sound rude, but this poem for me is suffering, title to end, from erotic cliché. Sorry.

 

[bflagsst]

You left the 'do' in this, and I agree with Wicked Eve that the poem reads better without it. This being said, I am not strong in poetic grammar. I am strong in semiotics, though. I find much of your metaphor typical and therefore weak. I don't mean to sound rude, but this poem for me is suffering, title to end, from erotic cliché. Sorry.

We both know erotic poetry is especially difficult. I think Esperanza is still working on this one. I actually approached this poem as if I was listening to it from the lips of a soft-voice woman at a reading. This poem would make a good performance with additional tweaking.

 

[CharleyH]

We both know erotic poetry is especially difficult. I think Esperanza is still working on this one. I actually approached this poem as if I was listening to it from the lips of a soft-voice woman at a reading. This poem would make a good performance with additional tweaking.

It is, and as said, I am not trying to be rude. Just trying to be helpful. I think the poem suffers because of erotic and language clichés, and it's better for the author to be aware of it than not.

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Thank you all for the comments. I'll take it into consideration and post the rewrite when I've finished. My brain is a little too sleepy to digest it fully at this point, perhaps tonight will find me a bit more level headed.

 

[DrewberryLess]

You have inspired me to write a cento.

Mistress Honey

Her virgin mouth drinking in sweet pleasure
like butterfly tasting sugared, holy wine
despite her Mistress' plum, mountain thighs
Eden still finds Honey heavenly, and divine

Source: Esperanza Hidalgo

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

My only quibble after the excellent help from the others, is the end rhyme in the first stanza. This is a serious poem, maybe, if you can't lose it, move it to the subtler internal rhyme. I will qualify this by saying this is a matter of personal taste. I liked the poem. I had a bad end rhyme experience with quite a serious poem a while ago (I read this beautiful and sad poem that was made a joke by end rhyme done badly) and it's made me leery.

This is a suggestion that might be difficult. I'm not sure how to pull it off effectively. I think what your saying is that the ending rhymes are too overt, is this correct?

I can see how a simile like "heavenly wine" might not sit that well on the ear, but her meter is sort of haphazard enough to offset the consistent end rhyme. I think the poem sits well between traditional form and free verse. I'd actually suggest making the line that ends in "reward" follow the "by, fly, -y" end rhyme scheme. I'd also question the capitalization of "How" and "Sustenance" after the double hyphens, but that's more of a personal fetish of mine.

I'll rewrite it both ways and make a decision. Meter is a fairly new concept for me. Don't laugh too much, I'm new at this.

You left the 'do' in this, and I agree with Wicked Eve that the poem reads better without it. This being said, I am not strong in poetic grammar. I am strong in semiotics, though. I find much of your metaphor typical and therefore weak. I don't mean to sound rude, but this poem for me is suffering, title to end, from erotic cliché. Sorry.

No problem, you certainly are entitled to feel as you wish and no offense taken. One must put the toe in the cold water so to speak.

I'll pull the original from lit and post the new version when it's ready. This was fun, and I'm happy that all of you took a look and commented. It can only increase learning.

Espie

 

[vrosej10]

This is a suggestion that might be difficult. I'm not sure how to pull it off effectively. I think what your saying is that the ending rhymes are too overt, is this correct?



I'll rewrite it both ways and make a decision. Meter is a fairly new concept for me. Don't laugh too much, I'm new at this.



No problem, you certainly are entitled to feel as you wish and no offense taken. One must put the toe in the cold water so to speak.

I'll pull the original from lit and post the new version when it's ready. This was fun, and I'm happy that all of you took a look and commented. It can only increase learning.

Espie

Hi Espie,

Please ignore my advice if it doesn't work. It was just a minor suggestion. End rhyme can be too overt and also it can be distracting if not repeated but if it is going to throw the poem off completely by pulling it out, don't do it.

Vee

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Hi Espie,

Please ignore my advice if it doesn't work. It was just a minor suggestion. End rhyme can be too overt and also it can be distracting if not repeated but if it is going to throw the poem off completely by pulling it out, don't do it.

Vee

Vee,

It's a self confidence thing with me. Many doubts and insecurities crawl through me. I'm sure that aspect of my person will improve with experience, and you are kind to offer your words.

Espie

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Vee,

It's a self confidence thing with me. Many doubts and insecurities crawl through me. I'm sure that aspect of my person will improve with experience, and you are kind to offer your words.

Espie

another thing


Okay now


no now


If you are a neolithic fertility goddess, may I be your neolithic faerie? Cause all I be is jest a wittle faerie, with loads of dust in a small bag to help me fly away.

 

[vrosej10]

Vee,

It's a self confidence thing with me. Many doubts and insecurities crawl through me. I'm sure that aspect of my person will improve with experience, and you are kind to offer your words.

Espie

Be confident! You are a good poet and an excellent ilustrator. End rhyme is just a pet bug bear of mine. If it's any consolation, I spent a very long day today rewriting a tiny poem that had an end rhyme in it that was driving me postal. I ended up unable to remove, instead opting for a slant rhyme ending. I think my husband was ready to slaughter me because I read aloud when I edit and I must have read it out fifty times in about two hours!

 

[Esperanza_Hidalgo]

Be confident! You are a good poet and an excellent ilustrator. End rhyme is just a pet bug bear of mine. If it's any consolation, I spent a very long day today rewriting a tiny poem that had an end rhyme in it that was driving me postal. I ended up unable to remove, instead opting for a slant rhyme ending. I think my husband was ready to slaughter me because I read aloud when I edit and I must have read it out fifty times in about two hours!

Thank you for the encouragement. Trying to write is a challenge, but the type of "postal" challenge that provides warmth that's different. It's like eating cotton candy in a way--sweet, not too filling and sticky.