New to Dom/sub World.... umm help?

[ZRT]

Wanted to pick at a point here:

With that being said, I've never understood the thing where submissives will totally give themselves to a Dom, and have all outside communication taken away and governed by their Dom. So, the signature line at the bottom of your posts bothers me.

Wholeheartedly agreed.

There are those who differ, but for my own part I always believe in communication within and communication without. I -never- expect to be somebody's entire world. The center of it, sure. I'm the bossy one. But I have a life beyond any particular relationship I'm in, and I expect anybody I'm with to have one as well.

It is a -major- red flag if that is demanded. Control freaks are the enemy, because they're the insecure little shits who look like doms, smell like doms, act like 'em, but in actual execution display that fatal weakness that's destroyed a lot of lives, and that's weak-kneed insecurity.

And again not saying anything about the fellow you're talking to, but always keep your eyes open for the control freaks. They're poison.

 

[ZRT]

Just want to jump in here...the "leather lifestyle" that you referred to earlier is very different from what most people around here practice. Leather is primarily a gay thing - not totally, but primarily - and heterosexuals are usually just "kinksters." There are many straight people in leather, but the leather lifestyle grew out of the gay male lifestyle in post-WWII San Francisco, so its roots are heavily tied to gay men.

...my wallet is leather.

 

[SexcSami70]

Are you male or female? Maybe we can learn together. Are you interested in being Dom or sub?

im a female, and having a 'buddy' would be great! Although i come across as dominating, and i've been told im intimidating, im definitely more submissive.

 

[DVS]

Damn! Damn damn damn you ill fated fingers!!!!!

Those digits should be punished...tied behind your back until they can learn to type correctly!! But, I'd surely drool at the sight, and that wouldn't be very Domly.

Sorry for this digression, though it's not a digression in my mind.

 

[JMohegan]

http://www.askdollie.com/acid_test.htm

Lotta good stuff in there.

"Acid Tests for True Dominants"

L. O. L.

 

[ZRT]

"Acid Tests for True Dominants"

L. O. L.

Personally, I think it's misnamed. It's more a 'warning signs for fake dominants'. But it's still a useful tool.

 

[JMohegan]

Personally, I think it's misnamed. It's more a 'warning signs for fake dominants'. But it's still a useful tool.

I'm not into the true Dom/fake Dom thing.

If someone gets off on controlling a sexual partner, that person is a D in my book.

Of course, there *are* D's who are inexperienced, callous, dangerous, liars, cheats, and every other damn thing. I'm just not into disqualifying sexual identities on those scores, because to me it elevates being "Dominant" into something it's clearly not.

Just as "heterosexual" is not a value descriptor, neither is "Dominant."

 

[ZRT]

I'm not into the true Dom/fake Dom thing.

If someone gets off on controlling a sexual partner, that person is a D in my book.

Of course, there *are* D's who are inexperienced, callous, dangerous, liars, cheats, and every other damn thing. I'm just not into disqualifying sexual identities on those scores, because to me it elevates being "Dominant" into something it's clearly not.

Just as "heterosexual" is not a value descriptor, neither is "Dominant."

I get where you're coming from there, and I just raised a point in that vein with Bunny over in the other side.

But I do think a certain distinction is necessary so as to flag dangerous control freaks. The biggest thing for me is 'does the PYL take the responsibility seriously?'

If the answer is no, then they are lowered in my eyes, and yeah, I do consider them to be wannabes.

By the same token, anybody who gets chosen for some position of power that gives them authority is technically a 'leader', but most of the time they have no real leadership capability and aren't worthy of being considered a leader.

 

[JMohegan]

I get where you're coming from there, and I just raised a point in that vein with Bunny over in the other side.

But I do think a certain distinction is necessary so as to flag dangerous control freaks. The biggest thing for me is 'does the PYL take the responsibility seriously?'

If the answer is no, then they are lowered in my eyes, and yeah, I do consider them to be wannabes.

By the same token, anybody who gets chosen for some position of power that gives them authority is technically a 'leader', but most of the time they have no real leadership capability and aren't worthy of being considered a leader.

You are hardly alone in seeing things this way. Online, I am definitely in the minority.

 

[ZRT]

You are hardly alone in seeing things this way. Online, I am definitely in the minority.

Yeah well popularity is overrated anyway.

As I said, I see your point and the validity of it to boot. I think the key point is that a bit of labeling in this case helps mark the danger zone. So I can accept that it may be semantically incorrect, but I think it's worthwhile to help flag the miscreants among us.

 

[rosco rathbone]

"Acid Tests for True Dominants"

L. O. L.

"It's my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak"

 

[JMohegan]

"It's my way or the highway!" or words to that effect, are the mating cry of the common control freak"

*coughs*

 

[BiBunny]

Sometimes, I wonder why stuff like the acid test is even necessary. Why do grown folks just lose their damn minds when the BDSM stuff comes up?

Sorry, just a random observation and something I've wondered about for awhile.

 

[tigressnred]

My guess is its a little like the lottery. They say if you win the lottery it will only bring out what is already inside you. ie....if you are a greedy, selfish person it will only bring that to the surface...similarily if your are a giving , loving person it will bring that out.....so with the BDSM it had a way of bringing to the surface what you truly are......just my humble opinion...

 

[Netzach]

Sometimes, I wonder why stuff like the acid test is even necessary. Why do grown folks just lose their damn minds when the BDSM stuff comes up?

Sorry, just a random observation and something I've wondered about for awhile.

I've wondered this as well. I've always told people to just listen to whatever it is that they've used to this point in life to avoid dating assholes or people they don't mesh with, or insane people. And the main difference is that if you are going to be getting it on in a way that involves toys and rope, it's just that extra bit more good to have friends know where you are and check in. But that's always a good idea. Even if you're a dude, dudes dating dudes have no clue about the importance of this.

 

[ZRT]

Sometimes, I wonder why stuff like the acid test is even necessary. Why do grown folks just lose their damn minds when the BDSM stuff comes up?

Sorry, just a random observation and something I've wondered about for awhile.

Eh, what I've seen is that loss of taboo that I've talked about- ditch one, ditch all in the rush. Kids in a candystore.

My first relationship in this kink of ours was pretty ugly. 'It's okay to beat women! OH YAY! OH YOU'RE CRAZY? I DON'T CARE!'

No real damage was done in terms of life and livelihood, but it could've been a lot worse. And that was without me being the one getting tied up and smacked around.

So I like to warn the newbies caught up in that rush to be careful. Sometimes they listen, but as with most affairs of the heart, they often don't.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

And today I was actually trying to read on the web some different things that all had varying and sometimes contradicting information.

You're talking about interpersonal relationships here. Every singleperson, and every single relationship is different, hence the multitudes of conflicting info out there.

Srsly, just read anything you can get yours hands on, talk to people, and form your own sense of personal style.

So long as you're not hurting anyone (well not without their consent ) then you're fine.

And you'll be a lot happier.

 

[rosco rathbone]

'It's okay to beat women! OH YAY!

I still remember that moment like it was yesterday, all those years ago.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Sometimes, I wonder why stuff like the acid test is even necessary. Why do grown folks just lose their damn minds when the BDSM stuff comes up?

Sorry, just a random observation and something I've wondered about for awhile.

You're not alone in that observation Bunny. Somehow though, I don't think it's limited strictly to bdsm, it might just be noticed more here. The perceived (and granted, real at times) dangers that people can find themselves subjected to causes others to jump up and down waving their safety flag.

Is there an acid test for vanilla relationships? No. That's why laser clinics do a roaring trade in removing name in heart tattoos from asses because a relationship with 'the love of their life' faltered after 6 months. Now, did these poeple go rushing into things? Yes. But because there's nothing inherently 'dangerous' about it, nobody gives a crap. And it can be just as bad, if not worse.

It *is* all about relationships after all. The dynamics are just different.

 

[Cattypuss]

I dunno.

Look at all those "Cosmo"-type mag "Is he a keeper?" quizzes.

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

I dunno.

Look at all those "Cosmo"-type mag "Is he a keeper?" quizzes.

I love to do those, as if I am the man.

Apparently, I'd make a fairly decent husband.

 

[Netzach]

My first relationship in this kink of ours was pretty ugly. 'It's okay to beat women! OH YAY! OH YOU'RE CRAZY? I DON'T CARE!'

haha, omg, yes. I am often confidante to fine young men who like to beat girls up as much as I do. "Batshit insane" may not be "danger, you may be cut into small pieces" but it can really ruin sex relationships and SM for someone. I think the "bad submissive" thing is seriously overdue for being addressed as fully in the noob literature.

 

[CutieMouse]

haha, omg, yes. I am often confidante to fine young men who like to beat girls up as much as I do. "Batshit insane" may not be "danger, you may be cut into small pieces" but it can really ruin sex relationships and SM for someone. I think the "bad submissive" thing is seriously overdue for being addressed as fully in the noob literature.

I made you a thread.

 

[pellso27]

there are enough controlling assholes in this world already so I am always amazed girls go online and actively seek out a controlling jerk to intemidate and otherwise control them. Here is a suggestion, take control and responsablity for your own sexuality and happiness. In the end it is YOU that makes it work anyhow! Any ole dick will do once you have your own head on right!

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

Any ole dick will do once you have your own head on right!

Alas, no.

Well no, I take that back. It's not the dick, it's what it is attached to. If *that's* not working for you, then you might find your own imagination and a perfectly serviceable dildo much more satisfactory than 'any ole dick'.