New to Dom/sub World.... umm help?

[RockingsMystiq]

So I have just recently entered into exploring this new world which is all brand new and exciting, but feel a little clueless. Although so far my Master has been patient, open and kind. to Sageman. But I am wondering if anyone has any words of wisdom, caution, or recommended reading or sites to visit? I feel like the new kid at a new school! lol

 

[CutieMouse]

I looked at your profile - you joined Lit yesterday... and became the submissive of a gentleman who posted a personals ad two days ago. And state:

He alone owns my mind, my body, and my soul. Fulfilling his wishes are my complete desire. You may only contact me if he approves it.

at the bottom of your posts, even though you acknowledge that you are "clueless" about D/s relationships.

Seriously? Does this not seem a wee bit assbackwards to you?

First bit of advice - your Master cannot control anyone's decision to PM, talk to, or otherwise contact you. You are a 34 year old woman - are you really incapable of setting boundaries and filtering out/ignoring inappropriate PMs?

 

[RockingsMystiq]

I looked at your profile - you joined Lit yesterday... and became the submissive of a gentleman who posted a personals ad two days ago. And state:



at the bottom of your posts, even though you acknowledge that you are "clueless" about D/s relationships.

Seriously? Does this not seem a wee bit assbackwards to you?

First bit of advice - your Master cannot control anyone's decision to PM, talk to, or otherwise contact you. You are a 34 year old woman - are you really incapable of setting boundaries and filtering out/ignoring inappropriate PMs?

He contacted me separately from the ad, I did not respond to it. I have been on Lit for awhile actually but started over with a new profile for my new relationship for the new life I am starting. Not just for this but many changes in my life right now.

Yes, I am grown. And yes I am capable. Yes I am mature and can think for myself. He did not ask me to do it, I made that decision myself to show him my commitment as we explore the possibilities.

I'm not utterly clueless, I mean I know some basic things but like I did not know the differences before between slaves and submissives. I did not know there was even a difference. So I'm not a total idiot, I'm just looking for tips or advice from those who are into it. That's all!

 

[chy_girl]

First and foremost, hello from one noob to another.

The second is a question. And please forgive my bluntness as I have little energy for tact at the moment.... How long have you know your PYL? And how long have you been interested in BDSM?

 

[RockingsMystiq]

First and foremost, hello from one noob to another.

The second is a question. And please forgive my bluntness as I have little energy for tact at the moment.... How long have you know your PYL? And how long have you been interested in BDSM?

Thanks for the welcome. But what does PYL mean?

I have been interested/curious actually for several years but never thought I would ever ever ever have the guts to act on it. So I have only read a few erotic stories here and there on it. And today I was actually trying to read on the web some different things that all had varying and sometimes contradicting information. So I was just interested what others on here had to say that are into it or living the "Leather life" as I read on one site. Never knew that term existed! Until today. LOL

 

[chy_girl]

But what does PYL mean?

Dom/Master/Top/that kind of thing. The bossy one.

(Oh, hush. I already said I was too tired for tact and my vocabulary is slowly slipping. It's an easy explanation for a noob.)

 

[SexcSami70]

Looking for answers.....

im a noob as well, and am unsure what to do or where to go from here.... will it happen naturally for me or is it something you need to work on???? Thats why im here many questions and no answers....

 

[RockingsMystiq]

im a noob as well, and am unsure what to do or where to go from here.... will it happen naturally for me or is it something you need to work on???? Thats why im here many questions and no answers....

Are you male or female? Maybe we can learn together. Are you interested in being Dom or sub?

 

[RockingsMystiq]

Dom/Master/Top/that kind of thing. The bossy one.

(Oh, hush. I already said I was too tired for tact and my vocabulary is slowly slipping. It's an easy explanation for a noob.)

Oh okay, we have not known each other very long at all and it is purely online fulfilling fantasies.

 

[chy_girl]

Oh okay, we have not known each other very long at all and it is purely online fulfilling fantasies.

You realize that just because it's online, that doesn't mean that you get away from the submission roller coaster don't you? The feelings that are submissive in nature stay.

For that matter, you do realize that this kind of submission isn't necessarily a role play fantasy that you put up when you're done with it? It can effect every part of your daily life and not always positively.

Are you maybe bottoming instead of subbing?

 

[RockingsMystiq]

You realize that just because it's online, that doesn't mean that you get away from the submission roller coaster don't you? The feelings that are submissive in nature stay.

For that matter, you do realize that this kind of submission isn't necessarily a role play fantasy that you put up when you're done with it? It can effect every part of your daily life and not always positively.

Are you maybe bottoming instead of subbing?

Ok I have no clue what bottoming is versus subbing and no I don't know all of this I'm so brand new.

 

[ZRT]

Dom/Master/Top/that kind of thing. The bossy one.

(Oh, hush. I already said I was too tired for tact and my vocabulary is slowly slipping. It's an easy explanation for a noob.)

Hey, I like it. I'm running with it.

 

[ZRT]

Also: Cutiemouse was not asking you that to be mean, she was asking because you're new, as you say, and declaring yourself property while being a clueless newbie is a very dangerous thing.

So yeah, it's just online. That's okay, just be careful about that sort of thing.

 

[Cattypuss]

................

 

[CutieMouse]

Bottom: One who submits (with light and hard limits) within an agreed upon set of boundaries, within a "scene". Retains rights to stop things at any point/safeword.

Submissive: One who submits with agreed upon light and hard limits, not necessarily bound by being in "scene" or not. Retains rights to stop things at any point/safeword.

Slave: One who submits in and out of "scene"; commonly giving up rights to stop things/safeword.

The tricky part is there are submissives who will submit without a safeword, just like a slave - neither is incorrect. All are shorthanded on this board as pyl (pick your lable) nods to the Wicked One

The correlating positions are

Top: One who Dominates (with light and hard limits) within an agreed upon set of boundaries, within a "scene". Retains rights to stop things at any point/safeword.

Dominant: One who Dominates with agreed upon light and hard limits, not necessarily bound by being in "scene" or not. Retains rights to stop things at any point/safeword.

Master: One who Dominates in and out of "scene", commonly without use of a safe word.

The tricky part is there are Dominants who call themselves Master and vice versa, just like with pyls. (The dominant version of shorthand around here is PYL Pick Your Label. Nods to the Wicked One

I had a few reasons for commenting on your signature last night -

A) The online phenomenon of BDSM has led to certain behaviors which are generally viewed as Horny Net Geek reg flags - one of which is a "Master" who chooses to control his charge's communication with others. A "Master" who insists on screening all communication could easily be isolating/controlling/manipulating the submissive in a bad way. The whole "ask permission of Lord DomlyDom" thing usually just results in a lot of eye rolling.

B) Stating that this man "owns" your body, mind, soul... online or real time, that sort of statement (IMO) *without having any clue about BDSM* is empty. There are people who hand over everything, but they do so with full knowledge and respect of what that means. You aren't. I appreciate that your relationship is online, but seriously... dial back and learn a few things first.

 

[DVS]

Thanks for the welcome. But what does PYL mean?

I have been interested/curious actually for several years but never thought I would ever ever ever have the guts to act on it. So I have only read a few erotic stories here and there on it. And today I was actually trying to read on the web some different things that all had varying and sometimes contradicting information. So I was just interested what others on here had to say that are into it or living the "Leather life" as I read on one site. Never knew that term existed! Until today. LOL

First off, anybody new here probably won't know what PYL or pyl means. This is a Lit thing started by someone here (sorry, I forgot who started it) for people to use instead of trying to specify what they are, in terms of labels. Master, Dom, Top, etc. can boil down to PYL and slave, submissive, bottom, etc. can then become pyl. Upper case PYL references the dominant member in a relationship and lower case pyl references the submissive member. It stands for Pick Your Label.

It's just much easier for everybody concerned (and even those that aren't concerned, but just want to understand who is what), when someone posts a question on this, or another Literotica BDSM forum.

Second, don't take offense from anything anybody says to you, here. But, to give you advice or to just give you pointers, as you requested, it's usually necessary to know more about your background, and experience. We aren't prying just for the fun of it. We need to know more about you to help you, or possibly to warn you.

As far as advice someone here or somewhere else might give you, keep in mind what we all enjoy about this thing called BDSM or D/s, etc. is personal. What I mean by that is, it's not a cookie cutter thing. The basics might be that way, but after that, there are so many variables and options, nobody can give you advice that will fit exactly into your particular situation. So anything one of us tells you will be something for you to decide if it fits for you. And anything I tell you is just my opinion and it might be totally opposite from your desires. I know...I'm unique.

With that being said, I've never understood the thing where submissives will totally give themselves to a Dom, and have all outside communication taken away and governed by their Dom. So, the signature line at the bottom of your posts bothers me.

Don't get me wrong...you are far from the only submissive that's done this. You can go on many sites and see where submissive after submissive have done just as you have...posting all communications must go through your Dom.

I don't go for that, myself. I know I'm probably in the minority when I say that, too, because I've seen done so much. But to me, it looks like the Dom is immature or not secure in his manliness and/or sexuality so he thinks he must control your communications with others, for fear you might meet someone you like better.

With all of your communication filtered through him, you don't ever meet anybody else. So, all of your education or experience is from him and only him. Being a newbie, that wouldn't be something I'd want to do. Personally, if I were a newbie or noob as some say, I'd want to experience as much as I could, and meet as many people as I could, to see the big picture. This would help me decide what I like and don't like, because there are so many different ways one could go...the variances are almost limitless.

But, you said that was your idea so the above doesn't apply to your Dom. The above only applies to the Doms that demand their new subs put that in their profile. I can be opinionated in some things and this is one of them. I think when a Dom demands such control, it's not a good sign. Too much control can become abuse.

There are some Doms that demand such abusive control and their newbie submissives don't know it's not the norm. Ultimately, the submissive has rights. Sure, it is customary to want the Dom to take control, but this total control thing is where I draw the line.

I would never try to control a submssive other than during a sexual situation. I think that limits a person's personality. I don't demand that someone call me Sir, or Master. I also think that's bull. Many feel that is a way to show their Dom respect and I understand that. But, it's just not for me. See? I told you I was unique.

What I will say is congratulations in taking that step from reading about it to wanting to actually experience it in real time. I will tell you it's a wonderful feeling to actually live out your sexual fantasies. It's a satisfaction that many people never get to experience.

I'd suggest you continue reading things and understand that not everything you read will make sense, nor will everything agree. Because BDSM is so personal, you will only get opinions, in the form of advice. Take all of this as well intentioned information.

Keep what interests you now and file the rest into a spot for later reference. The more you understand things, the more your own opinions will probably change. Too much of one person's opinion may keep you from growing.

Go as slow as you want. Don't let someone else rush you, if you don't feel it's what you want. There's no hurry, and in fact, going slow allows you to savor some of the early things. Good luck in your journey and have fun.

Can you tell that I like to talk?

 

[DVS]

Bottom: One who submits (with light and hard limits) within an agreed upon set of boundaries, within a "scene". Retains rights to stop things at any point/safeword.

Submissive: One who submits with agreed upon light and hard limits, not necessarily bound by being in "scene" or not. Retains rights to stop things at any point/safeword.

Slave: One who submits in and out of "scene"; commonly giving up rights to stop things/safeword.

The tricky part is there are submissives who will submit without a safeword, just like a slave - neither is incorrect. All are shorthanded on this board as pyl (pick your lable) nods to the Wicked One

The correlating positions are

Top: One who Dominates (with light and hard limits) within an agreed upon set of boundaries, within a "scene". Retains rights to stop things at any point/safeword.

Dominant: One who Dominates with agreed upon light and hard limits, not necessarily bound by being in "scene" or not. Retains rights to stop things at any point/safeword.

Master: One who Dominates in and out of "scene", commonly without use of a safe word.

The tricky part is there are Dominants who call themselves Master and vice versa, just like with pyls. (The dominant version of shorthand around here is PYL Pick Your Label. Nods to the Wicked One

I had a few reasons for commenting on your signature last night -

A) The online phenomenon of BDSM has led to certain behaviors which are generally viewed as Horny Net Geek reg flags - one of which is a "Master" who chooses to control his charge's communication with others. A "Master" who insists on screening all communication could easily be isolating/controlling/manipulating the submissive in a bad way. The whole "ask permission of Lord DomlyDom" thing usually just results in a lot of eye rolling.

B) Stating that this man "owns" your body, mind, soul... online or real time, that sort of statement (IMO) *without having any clue about BDSM* is empty. There are people who hand over everything, but they do so with full knowledge and respect of what that means. You aren't. I appreciate that your relationship is online, but seriously... dial back and learn a few things first.

OK, FINE! While my back was turned, you sneak in and spoil my thunder. I guess I should learn to type quicker.

I do take extreme pride in showing you your mistakes, though. Check the underlined and red colored part of your post, librarian girl!

 

[chy_girl]

*snip*
So yeah, it's just online. That's okay, just be careful about that sort of thing.

Yes, luv, but saying that it's just online can be very much like saying it's just a hand grenade... Just because the pin isn't pulled that doesn't mean it can't take off your arm.

Many thanks to the two who helped reattach my hand BTW

 

[CutieMouse]

OK, FINE! While my back was turned, you sneak in and spoil my thunder. I guess I should learn to type quicker.

I do take extreme pride in showing you your mistakes, though. Check the underlined and red colored part of your post, librarian girl!

Damn! Damn damn damn you ill fated fingers!!!!!

 

[ZRT]

Yes, luv, but saying that it's just online can be very much like saying it's just a hand grenade... Just because the pin isn't pulled that doesn't mean it can't take off your arm.

True. My reply was dashed off quickly this morning on the way to work.

Rockings, you're new at this. We were all new at one point or another, and that first rush when you legitimize that which you'd previously held as taboo can be a very heady sensation. Abandoning one bit of restraint can lead to wild and carefree abandoning of a lot more sensible protective measures.

It's dangerous for women in the world in general, and moreso in our world because there are a lot of animals and monsters out there that view women like you as meat.

Which in no way says that the guy you're doing this with is one of them. But listen, learn, and take appropriate protective measures. Giving yourself away isn't something to ever be undertaken casually.

 

[niv78]

This is a good step, looking for tips/advice. There are a lot of places you can go as well, and people you can talk to. Find someone on Lit who is a submissive and send them a PM, ask them if it's ok if you ask questions and then ask away, most times they will be quite happy to do so.

There are ton's of sites and blogs to read, http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm is a good one to start with, a lot of good information there.

The biggest thing to realize is there has to be absolute trust if you wish to continue a D/s relationship. You need to make sure your Dom is going to treat you correctly and not abuse you to get his jollies off. There are plenty of those out there, so do not be afraid to tell him no and then explain/talk to him as to why you are not comfortable with doing that. If he's a good Dom he will understand.

 

[DVS]

Here's a couple of links that might be of interest. This one gives you a
[URL="http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_checklist.html"] list of options[/URL].


This other one is a place you can read about different things, to find out what they are, and to help you decide if you would enjoy them.

www.sexuality.org

 

[gigi1968]

Here's a couple of links that might be of interest. This one gives you a
[URL="http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_checklist.html"] list of options[/URL].


This other one is a place you can read about different things, to find out what they are, and to help you decide if you would enjoy them.

www.sexuality.org

DVS these are excellent resources for newbies. I may still be new (less than a year in the lifestyle). Please do your research. Yes you may read conflicting ideas, you just have to use your best judgement.

Another thing, listen to your inner voice, if something is sending a red flag, listen to it. Another place to learn as well is local munches.

 

[ZRT]

http://www.askdollie.com/acid_test.htm

Lotta good stuff in there.

 

[Etoile]

Just want to jump in here...the "leather lifestyle" that you referred to earlier is very different from what most people around here practice. Leather is primarily a gay thing - not totally, but primarily - and heterosexuals are usually just "kinksters." There are many straight people in leather, but the leather lifestyle grew out of the gay male lifestyle in post-WWII San Francisco, so its roots are heavily tied to gay men.