Children's Letters To Santa

[TE999]

Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool spase ranjur toy for Xmas. I've been a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Freend, Billy.

Dear Billy,

Nice job of spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I bring you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your brother the space ranger. At least he can spell.

Santa

*****

Dear Santa,

I've been a good girl all year and all I ask for is peace and joy for everybody in the whole world.

Love Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents must have smoked some excellent pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

*****

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but I'd like my mom and dad to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy.

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging your babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you seriously think he's going to give that up to come back to that frigid prude mom of yours who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up on that dream. I'll bring you some Lego's instead.

Santa

*****

Dear Santa,

I want a BMX bike, a Wii and lots of games, an electric train, some G.I. Joe's, an iPhone, a dog, a pony, a drum kit and a trumpet.

Love, Francis.

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I bet you're gay as a Christmas hat. I'll set you up with Barbie and her Dream House. Happy decorating.

Santa

*****

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you on the mantel and a basket of carrots for your reindeer by the back door.

Love Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart. Try following that all Christmas Eve. You want to do Santa a favor? Leave me a bottle of single malt scotch and tell your mom to wait up.

Santa.

*****

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Terry

Dear Terry,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time. I make low-budget porno films all day, then I unwind by getting drunk in the casino bars and hitting on all the women. If I don't score (and I usually do), I drop a couple thou at the crap tables and pinch the hostesses asses. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa.

*****

Dear Santa,

Do you really know when we're sleeping and when we're awake?

Love Jessica.

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa.

*****

Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy for Christmas. I really, really, really want a puppy. Please, please, please, please, PLEASE!

Love, Timmy.

Dear Timmy,

That whiny begging shit may work with your parents, but that garbage doesn't work with me. You're getting another sweater, you spoiled little fuck.

Santa.


*****

Dear Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get in to bring toys?

Love, Marky.

Dear Marky,

First off, stop calling yourself 'Marky', it's why you're getting your ass kicked all the time at school. Second, you live in a low-rent apartment complex, not a house, which is why you don't have a chimney. Third, I get in your pad the same way the Boogeyman does, through your bedroom window when you're fast asleep.

Sweet dreams, kid.

Santa

*****

Dear Santa,

I want a year's subscription to 'Playboy' and 'Penthouse' for Christmas.

Love, Dan..

Dear Dan,

I think you're too damn old to be writing letters to me. I'll tell you what. I'll leave one of my lady friends at your house for the evening and pick her up on my way back to Vegas.

Have fun,

Santa.

 

[SweetWitch]

Man, Santa's mean.

I think I like him.

 

[DG Hear]

That was good Tom, Made me smile. I like to smile.
Merry Christmas to you and I hope Santa brings you a Hooker that's disease free.
DG

 

[TE999]

Man, Santa's mean.

I think I like him.

He's more true to life than all that 'bowl full of jelly' nonsense.

That was good Tom, Made me smile. I like to smile.
Merry Christmas to you and I hope Santa brings you a Hooker that's disease free.
DG

Glad you liked it. Santa better get me a room along with that hooker.

 

[phoenixangel]

ty for the laugh, today they are few and far between.

 

[TE999]

ty for the laugh, today they are few and far between.

Glad you enjoyed it, angel. The laughs are still out there, you just have to look a little harder for them.

Merry Christmas.

 

[lance gt]

Makes me wish I could be one of the helpers who gets to write letters back to kids. LMAO, good one!

 

[YoursSINSerely]

Thanks for sharing this, Tom. It was very funny.

 

[TE999]

Makes me wish I could be one of the helpers who gets to write letters back to kids. LMAO, good one!

Thanks for sharing this, Tom. It was very funny.

I'm pleased y'all enjoyed my Santa joke.

Merry Christmas.

 

[glynndah]

Our little ones write letters to Santa which are published in the local paper. I helped with the transcribing one year. The letter I remember most vividly was very short.

Dear Santa,

I want a rocket gun and a kitten.

Love,

Jonny

 

[TE999]

Our little ones write letters to Santa which are published in the local paper. I helped with the transcribing one year. The letter I remember most vividly was very short.

Dear Santa,

I want a rocket gun and a kitten.

Love,

Jonny

Dear Jonny,

You have all the makings of a sadist or a serial killer. Forget the kitten. You're getting the rocket gun, but use it on that annoying Wally kid next door. He's getting coal in his stocking.

Santa.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I think there was something like this from The Tonight Show:

Dear Santa,

Sorry Mom forgot to leave the door unlocked for you last year, so you couldn't drop off the presents.

Sincerely,
Timmy


Now, just imagine responding to THAT.

Reminds me of the time Johnny Carson was sued by Mr. Rogers Ha!

 

[TE999]

I think there was something like this from The Tonight Show:

Dear Santa,

Sorry Mom forgot to leave the door unlocked for you last year, so you couldn't drop off the presents.

Sincerely,
Timmy


Now, just imagine responding to THAT.

Dear Timmy,

I come down the chimney, remember? I guess any toy more complicated than a pail and shovel is beyond you, right? Leave the door open anyway so my reindeer can get a drink of water. If the tree's gone I'm replacing a broken ornament.

Santa.