How do i go back to enjoying vanilla?

[aster_raster1]

How did you discover that you were a sub/dom? At what point in life? Was it a certain event or just a series of feelings that built up over time? How did you learn about BDSM?
I stumbled upon while viewing porn one day...was absolutely fascinated that there are other people out there who actually think and feel like I do. It took me many more years before I attempted to learn more about it.
But I am already in a good marriage to a great guy, who will never be the dom i desire. He thinks i am getting kinda kinky when i ask him to whip me with a belt every now and then, but a few whips is his limit. What can I do? I read and research and get so excited but there is no outlet.
The more I research, the more I want and it has had a terrible toll on me. I can no longer cum, unless i completely imagine a situation in which i am dominated by someone. I fake for him bc poor guy keeps trying to make me cum, and i just get so bored i want him to go to sleep so i can imagine something wilder.
I am really turned on by this site bc i love READING about it. Mastery over words is very exciting to me - i know how boring. but i have had many many crushes on teachers/professors = older, wiser men with control over me. I just convinced myself that it was just intellectual infactuation, but i think its more. I would love to have a dom, but to have a intelligent dom punish and control me is a dream. Seriously, if a guy who i think is intelligent compliments me on my work, I get wet. (If a guy compliments me on my looks I automatically think he lying). But I digress....
My problem is that I know that I will not find such a dom. I am happily (yes, really, til this recent itch) married with great kids. My question now is...how do i go back to enjoying vanilla?

 

[FurryFury]

Appreciate the good parts of your relationship and man. Take charge and personal responsibility for and of your own orgasms. School your mind to go places during nilla sex that can help bring you off.

And/OR:

Have a gentle but honest discussion with your husband of things you'd like to do to spice things up a bit.

It could be he is bored too.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

How did you discover that you were a sub/dom? At what point in life? Was it a certain event or just a series of feelings that built up over time? How did you learn about BDSM?
I stumbled upon while viewing porn one day...was absolutely fascinated that [1]there are other people out there who actually think and feel like I do. It took me many more years before I attempted to learn more about it.
But I am already in a good marriage to a great guy, who will never be the dom i desire. [2]He thinks i am getting kinda kinky when i ask him to whip me with a belt every now and then, but a few whips is his limit. What can I do? I read and research and get so excited but there is no outlet.
The more I research, the more I want and it has had a terrible toll on me. [3]I can no longer cum, unless i completely imagine a situation in which i am dominated by someone. I fake for him bc poor guy keeps trying to make me cum, and i just get so bored i want him to go to sleep so i can imagine something wilder.
I am really turned on by this site bc i love READING about it. Mastery over words is very exciting to me - i know how boring. but i have had many many crushes on teachers/professors = older, wiser men with control over me. I just convinced myself that it was just intellectual infactuation, but i think its more. I would love to have a dom, but to have a intelligent dom punish and control me is a dream. Seriously, if a guy who i think is intelligent compliments me on my work, I get wet. (If a guy compliments me on my looks I automatically think he lying). But I digress....
My problem is that I know that I will not find such a dom. I am happily (yes, really, til this recent itch) married with great kids. My question now is...[4]how do i go back to enjoying vanilla?

[1]From everything I've read and experienced over the last few decades, no matter *what* turns you on/floats your boat, there are other people who share your "kink."

[2]How do you know he "thinks you're kinky" if you ask him to whip your bum with a belt? Has he *said* so? Have you actually sat down and had a *DISCUSSION* with him about your desires, rather than just handing him a belt and saying, "Give me a few whacks, willya, honey?" And are you sure a "few whips" are his limit, or just what he thinks you want? Damn... how many times must we say in here, "Communicate, CoMmUnIcAtE, Com-MU-ni-freakin'-CATE!" before people begin to get it?

[3]You can't cum unless you fantasize about something kinkier than you're getting? Sooo.... what's your point? MOST people spend at least a portion of the time that they're engaging in physical congress with their partner fantasizing about other people and/or other acts. And hey, dood? If you follow the advice in [2] above, you might find that your actual sex life is getting kinky enough that you can decrease or eliminate a substantial portion of your fantasizing because the real thing is even better than your (former) fantasies! :blink:

[4]Go back to enjoying vanilla? Ummm, why would you want to, unless you're referring to enjoying vanilla sex with flavorful fantasies, AFTER you've determined that your partner, the one you want to keep because you love him, blah blah blah, is not interested in adding spice to *his* sex life. :blink:

Oh, yeah... there's always the possibility that *HE* has some kinks that he hasn't discussed with you, and maybe you'll find that the two of you can share those kinks/fantasies (through discussion - see [2] above, again), and alternate enacting/acting out your fantasies one time and his another... but damnitalltohell... sit down with the guy, tell him that you have these fantasies, tell him *why* they get you drippin', and see if a tent starts growing in his britches. If not, discuss *his* fantasies, and see if they make you feel like you need to run get a towel to sit on. If not... see what accommodations the two of you can make to pique your (plural) interest in each other's fantasies and enjoy them together.

 

[Cattypuss]

I have recently fallen in love with a guy who is kinkier than I am but who hasn't got a Dom hair on his head. And I crave domination, which I have had in the past.

At the moment, because of the way I feel about him, I want to be monogamous. He knows about my sub tendencies and has tried to dominate me but it doesnt "ring true" for either of us and so is unsatisfying.

We have found what works for us. Which is to be fully open with each other about our desires and feelings, and we have ended up in a situation which is constantly evolving and is constantly surprising. E.g. one of his kinks is watersports and that had never been a thing for me at all, but I'm starting to find it a turn-on through exploring it with him. Conversely, he has found he enjoys tying me up and spanking me until I'm bruised, and especially taking photos of my just-spanked arse with his ropework in shot. I'm sure he has fantasies that are very different from, and just as wild as, the fantasies I have. Fantasies and thinking about them during sex are FUN. Sometmes I crave domination from a natural Dom so bad it aches, but I use that to fuel some great masturbatory fantasies and I know I have a great sex life with a man I love.

At the end of the day he'd love me to be more dirty-pervy and I'd love him to be more Dommy-pervy, but sex is only one part of a relationship and often, as with other parts of a relationship, you reach happy, evolving compromises.

The keys here are honesty and openness and COMMUNICATION, plus a little give-and-take.

 

[StrayKat]

Have you actually sat down and had a *DISCUSSION* with him about your desires

<snip>

Oh, yeah... there's always the possibility that *HE* has some kinks that he hasn't discussed with you, and maybe you'll find that the two of you can share those kinks/fantasies (through discussion - see [2] above, again), and alternate enacting/acting out your fantasies one time and his another... but damnitalltohell... sit down with the guy, tell him that you have these fantasies, tell him *why* they get you drippin', and see if a tent starts growing in his britches. If not, discuss *his* fantasies, and see if they make you feel like you need to run get a towel to sit on. If not... see what accommodations the two of you can make to pique your (plural) interest in each other's fantasies and enjoy them together.

Good advice, but sometimes it just doesnt work you know.

I know my husbands "kink" from the day one, first night we actually met face to face (we had LD relationship 3 months before that) he told me what he needs from his sex life. It was more than one partner, swinging if you wish, though I find the term very lacking for what we actually do.
I had no objections. I like it myself as well, I had lot of fun and enjoyment in those 8 years of regular sex with others. I like sex overall, I never had need to tie it up to lot of emotions, I am not jealous person and I genuinely enjoy watching my man with somebody else. I dont even mind if he goes out and gets laid without me.

But. I always knew I had a kind of sadistic/masochistic streak in me, only I kept it on tight leash for lot of reasons and I never felt the need to let it loose much. Until recently. People change, I changed.
I talked to my husband, he can accept my "new" kink, but he doesnt really want to participate. The idea of getting sexually aroused by using a whip on a female (for example) for him is simply "yuck". It disturbs him actually on some deep level. He is more dominant personality than he would admit, but we were raised in culture that still caters the idea of servile woman. It is normal thing for him to tell me to fetch his beer or serve the lunch the way he likes; but that kind of behavior in bedroom is unacceptable. He is 49, I dont think I can do much to change him. I dont believe in changing people by some kind of force anyway.
The best thing I could get to was the idea of getting someone to bottom for me; but I know he is not really comfortable with that. Playing with a top is out of the question, he cant stand the thought of someone "hurting his lil wifey" no matter what she wants.

So for now, I am looking for more info and experimenting online. I am not telling him much, he generally knows what I am doing but doesnt really want to know. I am more or less fine like this, for now. I know the day will come when it will just not be enough, but I see no solution that will hurt none and make everyone involved happy.

 

[SirLeo]

Been There adn Came Out Better

I had to go through this situation with my wife several years ago. I am Dom and quite kinky (OK a perv!) and she was pretty vanilla. I went through an online kinky/Dom life that of course she eventually discovered. We cried, yelled, talked, worked and stayed committed and came out with a hugley more satisfying relationship. So it turns out that she, like most of us has bit of a taste for non-vanilla flavors in her and that we regularly go to places and explore our sexuality often increasing our boundaries. Turns out that once my Dom desires had an outlet they didn't need to be scratched so often (in fact its the vaniila that makes the other flavors so appealing).

So my advice is to talk to your husband, go slow and steady, and never stop being willing to grow and explore. You'll be suprised at how good you two can be.

 

[culloden]

I'm a happily married, monogamous guy. Granted, I'm a bit kinky, and fortunately so is my wife. But if she needed something sexual that I wasn't giving her, I'd want to know about it. And if it was something it was possible for me to do, I'd want to do it for her, at least some of the time. Have you told your husband in detail about your desires?

 

[Ohiorob]

Good advice

I'm a happily married, monogamous guy. Granted, I'm a bit kinky, and fortunately so is my wife. But if she needed something sexual that I wasn't giving her, I'd want to know about it. And if it was something it was possible for me to do, I'd want to do it for her, at least some of the time. Have you told your husband in detail about your desires?

Good advice above.

Many guys were raised to respect and care for ladies. Doing things with a lady that seem to contradict what we were raised to believe takes re-education.

A g/f from a few yrs back loved the cat-o-nine-tails used on her kitty and ass. Was initially repulsive and foreign to me.......yet I could see how it excited her. She taught me new ways well outside nilla.

That only comes with communication where partners freely/honestly explain their desires.

Baby steps may help you open your husbands mind. Find something new that will thrill him.....something you dont already do. Blind fold him....or tie him up.....or play with his ass and take him to heaven. When he finds new erotic pleasures he might begin to understand how new things may please you.

New erotic pleasures help people learn to open their minds even further.

Good luck.....be safe out there.

btw......don't use a belt. Too many people had belts used on them as children and belts bring bad memories. Buy a flogger or a cat-o-nine-tails specifically for erotic play.

 

[Ohiorob]

Good advice

oops....somehow double posted

 

[Netzach]

I'd say if your sex life is bad enough that you are faking and he has no idea it's even bad, there are communication issues beyond SM vs. Vanilla.

 

[rosco rathbone]

There is no way back to vanilla from here.

Trust me, I've tried it.

 

[HottieMama]

I'd say if your sex life is bad enough that you are faking and he has no idea it's even bad, there are communication issues beyond SM vs. Vanilla.

Quoted for truth.

 

[BiBunny]

I'd say if your sex life is bad enough that you are faking and he has no idea it's even bad, there are communication issues beyond SM vs. Vanilla.

Yep. I know a lot of folks watch porn and say, "OMG, this is the answer to all my life/relationship/sex problems," but it's really not. Porn =/= reality. Wherever you go, there you are.

 

[mistressmaxine]

How did you discover that you were a sub/dom? At what point in life? Was it a certain event or just a series of feelings that built up over time? How did you learn about BDSM?
I stumbled upon while viewing porn one day...was absolutely fascinated that there are other people out there who actually think and feel like I do. It took me many more years before I attempted to learn more about it.
But I am already in a good marriage to a great guy, who will never be the dom i desire. He thinks i am getting kinda kinky when i ask him to whip me with a belt every now and then, but a few whips is his limit. What can I do? I read and research and get so excited but there is no outlet.
The more I research, the more I want and it has had a terrible toll on me. I can no longer cum, unless i completely imagine a situation in which i am dominated by someone. I fake for him bc poor guy keeps trying to make me cum, and i just get so bored i want him to go to sleep so i can imagine something wilder.
I am really turned on by this site bc i love READING about it. Mastery over words is very exciting to me - i know how boring. but i have had many many crushes on teachers/professors = older, wiser men with control over me. I just convinced myself that it was just intellectual infactuation, but i think its more. I would love to have a dom, but to have a intelligent dom punish and control me is a dream. Seriously, if a guy who i think is intelligent compliments me on my work, I get wet. (If a guy compliments me on my looks I automatically think he lying). But I digress....
My problem is that I know that I will not find such a dom. I am happily (yes, really, til this recent itch) married with great kids. My question now is...how do i go back to enjoying vanilla?

To be honest, you have to talk. I was in a not dissimilar situation and it was a contact on here, that has become a friend, who basically advised me to talk and on doing that I found out loads about my other half that I did NOT know. Use your imagination here!!!!!

As for going "back", not wishing to depress you, I don't think you can, well, I know I couldn't.

 

[JMohegan]

The premise of the OP's question seems flawed to me. How can one "go back" from something one has only ever experienced in fantasy?

Wanking to BDSM porn doesn't strike me as compelling evidence that one would thrive on the receiving end of control and pain. That is - one might, but on the other hand, it could be that it's actually the attendant aspects of the fantasy that appeal to the physically unsatisfied wife (specifically, attention paid to the bottom and skill of the top).

 

[Marquis]

Sure, it's easy, just get married.

 

[sb2009]

getting married doesn't mean going back to vanilla sex. We were able to branch out even more after the trust that built during marriage and all the stuff that comes with it - family, etc.

But that said, people change. I'm at a time where there are some things I want (I won't say *need* right now) that he does not seem willing to do. But the big thing is that we talk about it. And he's (good or not?) kind of the caveman mentality where I can lay things out straight and get a "yay" or "nay" without me worrying that he's not telling me what he really thinks. So we talk about different ways that we both can get what we want/need/etc.

People say it all the time, but communicate, communicate, communicate.

And if you can't communicate, well, what is there?

 

[sailorpaul]

I'm not sure it's really possible to go back to vanilla.

If he's uncomfortable with a belt, what if you bought him a small deerskin flogger as a gift? I just got one from The Stockroom that has shorter (18 inch?) soft tails. It allows me to up close and personal with my sub. NOT standing way back and isolated. The softness allows for an extended session in which I can control just how intense the experience will be. Best $87 I ever spent recently. (Looks at receipt... "Premium Jr. Deerhide flogger")

After years for me personally, the vanilla no-kink discussion ended up at the therapists like this:
Me: This is important to me and something I need in my life.
Wife: I can't do that.
Therapist: We have to respect that
Me: I guess we are done.

The rest of the double (scheduled back-to-back) therapy session was spent on how to tell the kids about the divorce. Friendly, no fighting, just done. Over 20+ years.

Take away for anyone else....
1. Pay attention and figure out an accommodation when your spouse or sig other comes to you and says "this is important, I need this...."


BTW,, FuryFury's following post prompted me to back and clarify. My therapist IS a kink friendly one from the national list -- and wonderful.

 

[FurryFury]

I think it might help to get a kink friendly therapist.

BTW, some people do go back to vanilla. Some of this board have. It's not impossible.

 

[HottieMama]

Sure, it's easy, just get married.

Bullshit! Marry the right person, and it ONLY gets better...

 

[sailorpaul]

here's what I find as a clear difference between the kink friendly vs run of the mill therapists..

My therapist IS a kink friendly one from the national list -- and wonderful. I agree those are the very best people. We talk and she digs deep.

The first run of the mill therapist only asked two questions before rendering an opinion:
1. How often did I think about sex?
2. Did I know that there are sex clubs in the Caribbean?

Needless to say, I don't do run of the mill any more.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can no longer cum, unless i completely imagine a situation in which i am dominated by someone. I fake for him bc poor guy keeps trying to make me cum, and i just get so bored i want him to go to sleep so i can imagine something wilder.

I am not energised enough right now to go into all you have said and asked, but I am wondering why you feel the need to fake? If you get of on imagining certain things during sex, how is he hindering this process and boring you...maybe you are boring yourself? Or is it more you have set your attitude to you are not getting what you need so feel you will punish yourself or him or both by not fantasising in a manner you know will work when you are having sex with him?

He used to satisfy you I assume? Why not fantasise away, enjoy yourself as well as please him, and work out the rest when you feel ready to discuss it more with him, or make some changes. Despite what you read here, it is not always fun and hot when in a D/s relationship...in fact, a lot of the subs here will tell you their needs or desires come last and may not be catered to at all or only on occasion...usually the focus is on pleasing the dominant partner in whatever way they want, not what the sub wants, so perhaps this is something you can use in your own situation to help you get through the frustration and see how you can still submit in the present.

Catalina

 

[EmpressFi]

Bullshit! Marry the right person, and it ONLY gets better...

Amen!

as far as how do you go back to enjoying vanilla.. I would say you'd need to ask my husband. During my pregnancy and after it, my desire for kink , and sometimes time tolerance and/or understanding of it has waned alot. I guess he just loves me enough.

 

[HottieMama]

During my pregnancy and after it, my desire for kink , and sometimes time tolerance and/or understanding of it has waned alot.

I'm the opposite of you there. My desire/need/want for kink has increased tremendously since I got pregnant and had my baby.