noobie question

[insert____here]

it's taken me a while to figure out i don't enjoy being in control sexually. equally, i have never met anyone able or willing to take control from me. in my daily life i am quite a dominant person and i guess that translates to the bedroom for most men.

however, i am very keen to explore this part of my personality and wonder if it is possible to do so without pain?? so far i'm not a huge fan of anything that inflicts pain, and due to my line of work, marking is limited to areas covered by shorts and a t shirt.

for the people who have travelled this road farther than i have, is it possible for someone to break you without actually inflicting pain?? does strength go together with pain or can i have one without the other?? i'm open to the idea of pain but only after the person has completely owned me, broken me down and it doesn't cross my mind to object if that is what he needs.

if it can be done, and i really hope it can, where do i find someone able to do so?? please note, i am not asking anyone here to hook me up, just point me in the direction of the door i have to step through.

thanks all.

 

[MisterSir]

Yes, you can be submissive without desiring pain. Finding a dominant will be a little bit harder if you're not willing to take pain at all, but by no means impossible. I'm not the one to ask about how people can break you without pain, but it is equally possible. And as for doors, try maybe the Personals here and see if you get any results out of that?

 

[insert____here]

thankyou MisterSir...will take the pain advice on board too.

 

[Ravenwind]

Breaking need not involve pain at all... well not physical, anyway. There is always mental pressure, expectations, shame and guilt, and so on. I was broken without a single finger laid upon me- it was 100% mental and emotional. Doesn't even have to go into humiliation aspects... just a sad, disappointed, look is enough if you love someone enough.

 

[the captians wench]

There is a whole sexual D/s play as well.

I know some one who I played with a quite a bit who deals very little in pain if at all durring any given session. With him it's all about bringing me to the brink and pushing me to the very edge but not enough to bring me to orgasm, repeatedly.

It's all about him being in charge of everything. Whether the sex is hard deep and rough, or soft and sentual, it's about what he wants and him getting it.

Of course I'm very service oriented so doing what I'm told is pretty built into me.

 

[LovingHands]

The wide world of BDSM is like a field of snow; seemingly uniform, cohesive, but upon closer examination one will find that no two flakes are alike.

In other words,

Of course there is such thing as D/s without pain. It can be as vanilla or as extreme as you and yours make it to be. Never limit yourself to perceived social stereotypes or taboos, and always follow your heart.

 

[CutieMouse]

May I ask why you want/expect "being broken" to be a necessary component of BDSM?

Even when Ive been a quivering whore-ish puddle of goo for a Lover, I've never considered myself "broken" physically, emotionally or mentally; I guess I'm having a hard time understanding the concept/reasoning behind it.

 

[SimonBrooke]

it's taken me a while to figure out i don't enjoy being in control sexually. equally, i have never met anyone able or willing to take control from me. in my daily life i am quite a dominant person and i guess that translates to the bedroom for most men.

however, i am very keen to explore this part of my personality and wonder if it is possible to do so without pain?? so far i'm not a huge fan of anything that inflicts pain, and due to my line of work, marking is limited to areas covered by shorts and a t shirt.

for the people who have travelled this road farther than i have, is it possible for someone to break you without actually inflicting pain?? does strength go together with pain or can i have one without the other?? i'm open to the idea of pain but only after the person has completely owned me, broken me down and it doesn't cross my mind to object if that is what he needs.

if it can be done, and i really hope it can, where do i find someone able to do so?? please note, i am not asking anyone here to hook me up, just point me in the direction of the door i have to step through.

thanks all.

Of course pain isn't necessary. The game takes many forms. Some people get off on pain and some don't - that's completely fine. I denied for years that I enjoyed inflicting pain - and I was being untruthful; I can enjoy it. But I definitely don't need to do it. There are probably lots of dominants who don't.

But the other things is that as you play you will find out what you really enjoy - and it may (probably will) surprise you.

 

[MisterSir]

I'm guessing that's just a failure to communicate, we've all been there. If you want my two pennies (which you do, since they're worth more than two cents), it seems like she's equating "being broken" with somebody being able to take control from her, she's already said she hasn't met anybody like that yet.

 

[insert____here]

May I ask why you want/expect "being broken" to be a necessary component of BDSM?

Even when Ive been a quivering whore-ish puddle of goo for a Lover, I've never considered myself "broken" physically, emotionally or mentally; I guess I'm having a hard time understanding the concept/reasoning behind it.

it's less about sex and more about being able to give myself up and allow someone else to be in control. i have never allowed anyone to take over, and the only way for me to be able to experience complete loss of self in a moment is if someone else breaks me. i'm 29 and so tightly glued together that i have never been able to have an orgasm during sex, never been able to open up emotionally to anyone or even bothered to dig past the surface crap of my daily life and find out what really is underneath it all. i need someone else to do that for me. i am naturally submissive and am happiest when making someone else happy, i just never allow myself to be. having someone willing to break through all my crap and own me is pretty much the only way i'm ever going to get through it. but as i said, i really don't like pain much. it might force obediance from me but i'm not there any more when it happens so it's not particularly effective.

i certainly don't expect you to understand as i am relatively certain we all get into this for different reasons and with different needs.

 

[StrayKat]

May I ask why you want/expect "being broken" to be a necessary component of BDSM?

Even when Ive been a quivering whore-ish puddle of goo for a Lover, I've never considered myself "broken" physically, emotionally or mentally; I guess I'm having a hard time understanding the concept/reasoning behind it.

Ok, I lack experience and I am most certainly a switch, but what I understand by "being broken" would be kind of "forced into submission". That is something hot for me, though only when it comes from certain male personality (I am exclusively dominant with women).
I am proud to the point of arrogance and I can be very bitchy. I assume it would take physically and mentally very strong man to "break" me into submission since I am almost sure I would be fighting back no matter how much I wanted him to succeed.

Yeah, men willing to play that kind of game are extremely hard to find.

 

[Kikori]

May I ask why you want/expect "being broken" to be a necessary component of BDSM?

Even when Ive been a quivering whore-ish puddle of goo for a Lover, I've never considered myself "broken" physically, emotionally or mentally; I guess I'm having a hard time understanding the concept/reasoning behind it.

Could just be how they've gotten used to viewing BDSM before deciding to take the dive into it or learning about it. I was the same way until I'd read and heard otherwise.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

it's less about sex and more about being able to give myself up and allow someone else to be in control. i have never allowed anyone to take over, and the only way for me to be able to experience complete loss of self in a moment is if someone else breaks me. i'm 29 and so tightly glued together that i have never been able to have an orgasm during sex, never been able to open up emotionally to anyone or even bothered to dig past the surface crap of my daily life and find out what really is underneath it all. i need someone else to do that for me. i am naturally submissive and am happiest when making someone else happy, i just never allow myself to be. having someone willing to break through all my crap and own me is pretty much the only way i'm ever going to get through it. but as i said, i really don't like pain much. it might force obediance from me but i'm not there any more when it happens so it's not particularly effective.

i certainly don't expect you to understand as i am relatively certain we all get into this for different reasons and with different needs.

A Dom is not a therapist. That is a lot to put on one person.

And if you're not willing to work on it yourself, then that is only going to increase the chances of being frustrated and disappointed when a Dom can't do it.

 

[MisterSir]

No, but it's fair to say that a sub should be able to open up emotionally to her Dom if they're more than just play partners, isn't it?

 

[insert____here]

Could just be how they've gotten used to viewing BDSM before deciding to take the dive into it or learning about it. I was the same way until I'd read and heard otherwise.

i have tried to find a way into BDSM, but as one of the previous posters pointed out, it is very very difficult to find someone to play straight dominance with you when you fight so hard. and i don't respond well to pain, it's not a good motivator for me.

equate what i want to being in the military (sort of). their job is to break you down far enough to make you back into a soldier albeit one with independant thought. and yes i am speaking from experience. ergo, i know how hard and how far someone is going to have to push me and yes, break me to get me to let go of anything. the concept as applies to a horse shouldn't be too hard draw comparisons with.

edited to add, no i do not require therapy. i've been to therapy and there is nothing wrong with me.

sheesh, thanks to MisterSir and StrayCat here for at least trying to get it.

 

[StrayKat]

No, but it's fair to say that a sub should be able to open up emotionally to her Dom if they're more than just play partners, isn't it?

Opening emotionally and accepting dominance are not the same things.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

No, but it's fair to say that a sub should be able to open up emotionally to her Dom if they're more than just play partners, isn't it?

Of course.

i have tried to find a way into BDSM, but as one of the previous posters pointed out, it is very very difficult to find someone to play straight dominance with you when you fight so hard. and i don't respond well to pain, it's not a good motivator for me.

equate what i want to being in the military (sort of). their job is to break you down far enough to make you back into a soldier albeit one with independant thought. and yes i am speaking from experience. ergo, i know how hard and how far someone is going to have to push me and yes, break me to get me to let go of anything. the concept as applies to a horse shouldn't be too hard draw comparisons with.

edited to add, no i do not require therapy. i've been to therapy and there is nothing wrong with me.

sheesh, thanks to MisterSir and StrayCat here for at least trying to get it.

I didn't say you needed therapy.

I just meant if you expect a Dom to, "break through all my crap and own me is pretty much the only way i'm ever going to get through it" then you are putting a high expectation/a lot of pressure on him and setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration IMO.

 

[MisterSir]

edited to add, no i do not require therapy. i've been to therapy and there is nothing wrong with me.

I'm aware how strange it is that I'm not stoking the fires of a baby flamefest, but cool your jets, nobody here is trying to be a dick. We're mostly nice people.

 

[StrayKat]

I just meant if you expect a Dom to, "break through all my crap and own me is pretty much the only way i'm ever going to get through it" then you are putting a high expectation/a lot of pressure on him and setting yourself up for disappointment IMO.

Some of us have high expectations yes. Some of "them" can deal with the pressure too.
I could never lower my expectations because then I would simply "sell" myself too cheap and I would not be happy with outcome. I cant be satisfied with second best.
I was fine with never finding what I want, but amazingly I did find that perfect match, someone who thought me worth all the trouble. His effort just made our relationship more precious for me.

I can understand its easier to have someone submit on their own will, but not just everyone wants exactly that. We are all different people with different cravings, dominants, submissives and switches alike.

 

[insert____here]

A Dom is not a therapist. That is a lot to put on one person.

And if you're not willing to work on it yourself, then that is only going to increase the chances of being frustrated and disappointed when a Dom can't do it.

i'm willing to give everything to the person who can take it off me. and if i'm willing and even need to submit to total domination to be truly happy, then there must be someone out there who can make that happen. yes, it's a big expectation, i won't deny that, but if i don't aim high then i'm not even going to get close to what i need.

 

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Some of us have high expectations yes. Some of "them" can deal with the pressure too.
I could never lower my expectations because then I would simply "sell" myself too cheap and I would not be happy with outcome. I cant be satisfied with second best.
I was fine with never finding what I want, but amazingly I did find that perfect match, someone who thought me worth all the trouble. His effort just made our relationship more precious for me.

I can understand its easier to have someone submit on their own will, but not just everyone wants exactly that. We are all different people with different cravings, dominants, submissives and switches alike.

I understand but you can't put EVERYTHING on a Dom and expect him to correct/fix/address/change what you don't like about yourself without some willingness to change yourself.

At the end of the day, a Dom is just a regular guy. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

[StrayKat]

I understand but you can't put EVERYTHING on a Dom and expect him to correct/fix/address/change what you don't like about yourself without some willingness to change yourself.

At the end of the day, a Dom is just a regular guy. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Of course not, once he is smart, witty, capable enough to break the initial defiance things get to be very different.

And trust me, I know perfectly well how regular a guy with dominant tendencies can be, with all the little confidence problems and wondering how far in "breaking the toy" he should go, all that jazz. Maybe I am (un)lucky to have started the journey with someone who never walked that way just like me, but sometimes I dont really know who is here to support who, and quite frankly I dont care, we just take turns depending whoever feels stronger at the moment.

 

[subish2009]

i'm willing to give everything to the person who can take it off me. and if i'm willing and even need to submit to total domination to be truly happy, then there must be someone out there who can make that happen. yes, it's a big expectation, i won't deny that, but if i don't aim high then i'm not even going to get close to what i need.

Yes, I think you're aiming high, but I also think it's very likely that the right Dom is out there for you. There are guys who thrive on that kind of thing. And no, it doesn't necessarily need to include a pain aspect. There are plenty of men who are way into the D/s part, but could take or leave the s/m part. In my personal experience, most Dominants have at least a streak of sadism. How deeply or widely that streak exists is obviously completely individual. Some NEED to express it, some have no trouble focusing on humiliation or mental/emotional torture or just my-way-or-the-highway as alternatives.

As an aside, I used to get nothing out of pain at all...as time has gone on, I've definitely come to appreciate it more, and even LOVE it under very specific circumstances. So, keep your mind open on that one: with the right person and the right situation, you may find you like it more than you expect. Especially once you get more comfortable in a D/s dynamic.

As to where to find someone, which I think was part of your original question, I have little advice to offer. My husband and I found each other when I was 18 (college) and grew up and into BDSM together. I met someone on Lit about a week or two after joining who has become a SO in an online-only D/s relationship and for whom I deeply care. I consider both these men to be needle-in-the-haystack type finds for me and don't know how I managed to get that lucky twice. I just stumbled into it both times, but I've gotta think frequenting the BDSM board is a good way for you to start...hopefully, others will have more useful advice on that for you. Good luck!

 

[intothewoods]

Some D-types are really into control at that level of detail. I don't know if it is sustainable in a 24-7 live in situation, but that's another discussion.

Most D-types I know are interested in sussing out the s's needs, but are wary of s-types with a long list of demands. Just something to keep in mind.

 

[ZRT]

Some D-types are really into control at that level of detail. I don't know if it is sustainable in a 24-7 live in situation, but that's another discussion.

Most D-types I know are interested in sussing out the s's needs, but are wary of s-types with a long list of demands. Just something to keep in mind.

Latter part is very true, but I don't see a long list of demands here per se.

Insert, I'd say that you have to understand that it's going to be a cooperative process. What you really need to get into isn't so much the being broken, I think, as the communication.

In fact, it's not being broken that I think you're going to find as the solution, so much as being made comfortable with the submission you desire. That's going to require the old reliable of BDSM, establishing trust.

As for the sadism aspect, for my own part I'm sadistic, but I know that I (and some other dom-types that I've met) can be satisfied to a large extent by the simulation of pain over the actual reality of it. Not as good, but you can find those who'll work with you on it.