noobie question

[the captians wench]

A Dom is not a therapist. That is a lot to put on one person.

And if you're not willing to work on it yourself, then that is only going to increase the chances of being frustrated and disappointed when a Dom can't do it.

Of course.



I didn't say you needed therapy.

I just meant if you expect a Dom to, "break through all my crap and own me is pretty much the only way i'm ever going to get through it" then you are putting a high expectation/a lot of pressure on him and setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration IMO.

I tend to agree with this, but for slightly different reasons.

When I entered this lifestyle I was in a bad place mentally. Not the worst place I've been in but not a good one by any means. I had just separated from my ex husband and I was feeling very weary of men. I wanted to be in a place where I could serve my man completely, but I had issues trusting.

I thought that if I was broken down to nothing then I could be rebuilt into what ever my domly one wanted me to be.

What I realized is that I didn't really want to be what a domly one wanted me to be, I needed to be happy with who I am, and be willing to be who I want to be. Which is something totally different. Well, not totally, but emotionally and mentally significant.

i have tried to find a way into BDSM, but as one of the previous posters pointed out, it is very very difficult to find someone to play straight dominance with you when you fight so hard. and i don't respond well to pain, it's not a good motivator for me.

equate what i want to being in the military (sort of). their job is to break you down far enough to make you back into a soldier albeit one with independent thought. and yes i am speaking from experience. ergo, i know how hard and how far someone is going to have to push me and yes, break me to get me to let go of anything. the concept as applies to a horse shouldn't be too hard draw comparisons with.

edited to add, no i do not require therapy. i've been to therapy and there is nothing wrong with me.

sheesh, thanks to MisterSir and StrayCat here for at least trying to get it.

It always amazes me how many military people end up turning to this lifestyle.

But you're military background brings up a point. There are other motivators than pain from being beaten. In fact there are many forms of pain. My brother likes to put his eldest through PT when the boy steps out of line. It's been the best form of punishment for him.

My question is, are you looking for a D/s relationship, or are you looking for a way to change aspects that you don't like about your own personality?

If it is the first, I think you'll find it's just like any relationship. You do a lot of searching for that perfect match, and the perfect one isn't always the perfect one at first. It takes a lot of compromise. My Love and I have a relationship where he is the boss no doubt, but we each give 100% of ourselves to make things work. I personally don't believe a relationship can work any other way, but others I'm sure will disagree. My point is, every relationship is individual and takes time to mold and shape into it's final being.

If you're looking to change things with in yourself, I think you'll be more satisfied with the end results if you do it yourself. Just mho.

And for the record, no one here thinks that going into therapy means you have something wrong with you.

 

[FurryFury]

Yes, you can do this without pain.

I personally, don't like the idea of needing to be "broken." In fact, I'd say it's very important for D types not to break thier toys.

I'm a sub but I've topped to be reciprocal and honestly find the mindset of "make me do it" to be quite irritating. From my POV you either want to submit or you don't. Now my husband's mindset is totally different.

*grr*

Anyway, I think being a sub you often have to work on your own inner being more than be "broken" by another. I find the internal struggle to be one of the most interesting aspects of submission.

it's taken me a while to figure out i don't enjoy being in control sexually. equally, i have never met anyone able or willing to take control from me. in my daily life i am quite a dominant person and i guess that translates to the bedroom for most men.

however, i am very keen to explore this part of my personality and wonder if it is possible to do so without pain?? so far i'm not a huge fan of anything that inflicts pain, and due to my line of work, marking is limited to areas covered by shorts and a t shirt.

for the people who have travelled this road farther than i have, is it possible for someone to break you without actually inflicting pain?? does strength go together with pain or can i have one without the other?? i'm open to the idea of pain but only after the person has completely owned me, broken me down and it doesn't cross my mind to object if that is what he needs.

if it can be done, and i really hope it can, where do i find someone able to do so?? please note, i am not asking anyone here to hook me up, just point me in the direction of the door i have to step through.

thanks all.

 

[insert____here]

My question is, are you looking for a D/s relationship, or are you looking for a way to change aspects that you don't like about your own personality?

If it is the first, I think you'll find it's just like any relationship. You do a lot of searching for that perfect match, and the perfect one isn't always the perfect one at first. It takes a lot of compromise. My Love and I have a relationship where he is the boss no doubt, but we each give 100% of ourselves to make things work. I personally don't believe a relationship can work any other way, but others I'm sure will disagree. My point is, every relationship is individual and takes time to mold and shape into it's final being.

If you're looking to change things with in yourself, I think you'll be more satisfied with the end results if you do it yourself. Just mho.

And for the record, no one here thinks that going into therapy means you have something wrong with you.

awwww, thanks for the considerate response. short answer, i'm very well adjusted to who and what i am, and i'm looking to find someone to bring that part of me out. i don't need to change unless the controller in my life requires it. i'm happy in the knowledge that i need to exist purely as an extension of someone elses will. and if that sounds extreme, maybe it is, but each to their own. i hold a very tight leash on myself and all i want is someone to take it off me.

edited to add; it's not a case of "make me do it". that still implies resistance to me. it's a case of breaking me down so far in submission that it doesn't actually enter my head to say no. and i can't do that by myself.

 

[the captians wench]

Yes, you can do this without pain.

I personally, don't like the idea of needing to be "broken." In fact, I'd say it's very important for D types not to break thier toys.

I'm a sub but I've topped to be reciprocal and honestly find the mindset of "make me do it" to be quite irritating. From my POV you either want to submit or you don't. Now my husband's mindset is totally different.

*grr*

Anyway, I think being a sub you often have to work on your own inner being more than be "broken" by another. I find the internal struggle to be one of the most interesting aspects of submission.

I like being broken down but we have a different view of it I think. I like being broken down physically, torn down to a sobing mess, but the only person I fight getting there is my own will.

I don't like that "make me" attitude either, and I have always played with people who have never tollerated it. But different things make different people happy.

 

[the captians wench]

awwww, thanks for the considerate response. short answer, i'm very well adjusted to who and what i am, and i'm looking to find someone to bring that part of me out. i don't need to change unless the controller in my life requires it. i'm happy in the knowledge that i need to exist purely as an extension of someone elses will. and if that sounds extreme, maybe it is, but each to their own. i hold a very tight leash on myself and all i want is someone to take it off me.

edited to add; it's not a case of "make me do it". that still implies resistance to me. it's a case of breaking me down so far in submission that it doesn't actually enter my head to say no. and i can't do that by myself.

I can totally dig on that. And if it works out grand.

 

[CutieMouse]

it's less about sex and more about being able to give myself up and allow someone else to be in control. i have never allowed anyone to take over, and the only way for me to be able to experience complete loss of self in a moment is if someone else breaks me. i'm 29 and so tightly glued together that i have never been able to have an orgasm during sex, never been able to open up emotionally to anyone or even bothered to dig past the surface crap of my daily life and find out what really is underneath it all. i need someone else to do that for me. i am naturally submissive and am happiest when making someone else happy, i just never allow myself to be. having someone willing to break through all my crap and own me is pretty much the only way i'm ever going to get through it. but as i said, i really don't like pain much. it might force obediance from me but i'm not there any more when it happens so it's not particularly effective.

I'll take your pre-diamond piece of coal and raise you a few lumps.

I'm sure there is someone out there who thinks it's one hell of a power trip to do what you've written here, but I'm curious - how do you know you're "naturally submissive" and "happiest making someone else happy" if you "never allow yourself to be" [that]?

i certainly don't expect you to understand as i am relatively certain we all get into this for different reasons and with different needs.

Lesson learned - don't take time out of a short lunch break to ask a question, intending to gather enough information to offer useful advice.

Ok, I lack experience and I am most certainly a switch, but what I understand by "being broken" would be kind of "forced into submission". That is something hot for me, though only when it comes from certain male personality (I am exclusively dominant with women).
I am proud to the point of arrogance and I can be very bitchy. I assume it would take physically and mentally very strong man to "break" me into submission since I am almost sure I would be fighting back no matter how much I wanted him to succeed.

Yeah, men willing to play that kind of game are extremely hard to find.

This is where the roads diverge. I view submission from a service perspective, and the "broken"/forced to submit thing just does.not.compute.

Do I submit to any Tom Dick or Harry? No. I'm dammed picky about my partners; however, if someone was a good enough "fit" to be in a relationship with, I can't imagine refusing their pleasure [whatever that may be].

i have tried to find a way into BDSM, but as one of the previous posters pointed out, it is very very difficult to find someone to play straight dominance with you when you fight so hard. and i don't respond well to pain, it's not a good motivator for me.

equate what i want to being in the military (sort of). their job is to break you down far enough to make you back into a soldier albeit one with independent thought. and yes i am speaking from experience. ergo, i know how hard and how far someone is going to have to push me and yes, break me to get me to let go of anything. The concept as applies to a horse shouldn't be too hard draw comparisons with.

I don't know much about horses (mostly just what BiBunny's mentioned on the forums), but I've always been under the impression that the best trainers didn't really "break" horses, as much as engage them in such a manner to earn the horse's trust and respect. In that aspect, I get the analogy... and relationships are relationships, kinky or no. Why on earth would one snap to and submit to someone they didn't trust or respect?

edited to add, no i do not require therapy. i've been to therapy and there is nothing wrong with me.

sheesh, thanks to MisterSir and StrayCat here for at least trying to get it.

Again... forgive me for taking time out of my lunch break to ask an apparently silly question.

i'm willing to give everything to the person who can take it off me. and if i'm willing and even need to submit to total domination to be truly happy, then there must be someone out there who can make that happen. yes, it's a big expectation, i won't deny that, but if i don't aim high then i'm not even going to get close to what i need.

But you're stating that you haven't ever allowed yourself to experience complete surrender/etc, so how do you know? Everything is vague, and BDSM is a big world. What is "total domination" to you? Define giving "everything". The more precise you can be with what you want, need, expect, desire out of this, the better equipped you will be to find that (or at least recognize what is or isn't realistic).

awwww, thanks for the considerate response. short answer, i'm very well adjusted to who and what i am, and i'm looking to find someone to bring that part of me out. i don't need to change unless the controller in my life requires it. i'm happy in the knowledge that i need to exist purely as an extension of someone else's will. and if that sounds extreme, maybe it is, but each to their own. i hold a very tight leash on myself and all i want is someone to take it off me.

edited to add; it's not a case of "make me do it". that still implies resistance to me. it's a case of breaking me down so far in submission that it doesn't actually enter my head to say no. and i can't do that by myself.

Guess what? The only person who can do that [decide "no" isn't an option], is you. Now, there might be someone out there who inspires that sort of response in you, but it's still your decision. Every single minute you have a choice - submit, or not.

For me, it took a few years of essentially studying BDSM, and a few less than successful relationships, to get where I am now - which is when in a relationship [kinky or not] my partner has free reign; "No" is off the table. It took a lot of work and reflection on my part, but I made peace with control. (And BTW, my standards are impossibly high, as well.)

I like being broken down but we have a different view of it I think. I like being broken down physically, torn down to a sobbing mess, but the only person I fight getting there is my own will.

Yup.