Story Discussion 30 October 2009. "Six Weeks" by ellabee

[ellabee]

Hello, all.

The piece I'm working on is 16 50-word stories, to be published in "Erotic Couplings". Each story should work both as its own piece as well as flow with the other pieces. I'll copy the story below, then start the discussion.

Each piece is 50 words, not including titles. The work is about 800 words total.

 

[ellabee]

Welcome Home.

He left the year before, something about Cabo and cocaine and failing grades. I was abroad. He was gone.

We embrace. Thick arms envelop my frame. He rests his chin on my mess of brown waves.

“I missed you,” he murmurs.

I inhale him. He smells like comfort and musk.


First Kiss

It had been a year since her. The her that broke him into tiny pieces.

I ended my relationship the night before.

Cocktails clink around us. The house shudders to the beat of music and drunken revelry.

I press close to him.

We are the only people in our world.


Saturday

Raindrops splash from the heavens. My bare shoulders prickle, tingle.

The partygoers dart through the gravel parking lot with their bongs and beers, seeking the safety and warmth of the house.

We stand still and lock gazes, lips, hands.

“I like you.” And that was everything there was to say.

Culmination

He is nervous. He trembles as he strips. Shirt, pants, gray furry hat, socks. His beautiful debris litters my carpet.

We fumble in the dark.

I find a condom. He finds my cunt.

I can feel his heart beating through his cock.

He grunts. Seven minutes.

It’s been a while.


Discussion

He promised we would talk.

We concentrate on the street instead of each other.

Thin, translucent smoke curls into the crisp air. His menthol is smooth and cool, like autumn. My clove is spicy-sweet; my lips taste like cinnamon.

The clove crackles with each drag.

I never did like silence.



Submit

Bam.

I’m pinned against the door by his body. He claws at my face. Our lips meet in a snarl.

I submit to my passion.

Arms up.

Scared eyes. I am his plaything for the evening.

The heat between us tickles my skin. October’s cruel winds can’t slip between us.


Hanging Out

I met him by the vents. He was smoking. It was unseasonably cool and I wanted him to warm me.

We sit on my decrepit futon amidst forgotten cans of beer, words unspoken. I shift uncomfortably. Neither of us can concentrate on our papers.

Sober. Six hours.

No goodnight kiss.


Succumb

Tonight I failed, called my ex, screamed, cried.

I wanted the last word.

He saves me from the phone and myself. I curl into his arms: I can breathe. Here is safe.

He kisses my chapped lips, washing away my insecurities. He absolves me of my sins with his eyes.


Tease

The head of his shaft tickles my sweet spot. I wrap my legs around him, rolling my hips to match his rhythm. We have nearly reached a climax. Our breaths are uneven, ragged.

“Bring me there,” I whisper. He slows.

One more thrust. So close.

“Want to smoke a cigarette?”


Happy Ending

Four hours of sex. Four hours of fucking. Four hours of kissing, groping, licking, humping, fondling, sucking. Four hours of forgotten condoms, deep conversation on baseball and life, foreplay and role-play.

I ride slowly, squeezing my muscles. We are close. We’re barely moving.

We needed four hours to achieve release.


Sleep

Our post-coital interactions are flirty, touchy, sensual.

I want to sleep in his burly arms and know he’ll be there when I wake up. I want him to kiss me good morning as he leaves for class.

He won’t. He can’t. It’s too soon; I’m too much.

I’m restless alone.


The Talk

We can’t have rules because he’ll want to break them, he says.

But he is lying to me for the first time.

The rules are hushed, like whispers by lovers between the sheets.

No anal. No burning skin.

And one more.

I am not to fall in love with him.


Red Hot

He stares.

My leather boots reveal my thigh; the plaid miniskirt flirts with my curves.

I am scarlet. I am sex. My boots tickle his calf as I beg for attention.

I won’t get any tonight.

I throw my beer and stumble my way home.

Alone. What else is new?



Madness

I am watching him become an alcoholic before my eyes.

He promises to hang out tonight. Just us. A study date. He brings friends and a King Cobra.

His bipolar meds have kicked in. He strangles me.

I want to say goodbye. We kiss instead.

I am a forgiving person.


Kudos

His kisses are rushed, a formality, his twisted perception of being a gentleman.

His penance for fucking me and fucking up.

He couldn’t be more of a douche.

I remind myself that we were nothing, he was nothing, we were Sex Period.

“We had a great six weeks,” I think.


Epilogue

We aren’t dating, probably won’t, probably shouldn’t. We are scarred, bruised, beaten human beings – he, physically, me, sexually. Both emotionally.

We are different.

But when I melt into his warmth, I forget the wrongs and only feel right.

I should be angry, hurt.

I can’t stop smelling his forgotten shirt.

 

[ellabee]

What I really want to know if this works as a cohesive story. Writing 50-word stories is a bit of a departure for me. In fact, writing anything that is not a straight stroker is a departure. I'm not very literary.

Because word choice is of the essence, what would you change? Can I use stronger words? Any suggestions?

Was there anything you didn't understand? Anything you felt that couldn't be accomplished in 50 words? Was the tension between "He" and "I" believable? Realistic? Hot? Boring? Skanky? What do you think about the two's relationship?

I'd also appreciate comments on the ending. This was originally 15 50-word stories in the style of Oggbashan and Selena_Kitt. I added the second to last story afterward. Does "Kudos'" tone differ too much from the remainder of the stories? "Epilogue" was originally entitled "Attachment." Should I switch the order of the two again? Leave out "Kudos?" Leave out "Attachment/Epilogue?"

Thank you in advance for your comments. I look forward to improving the piece before it is published to Literotica.

Ella

 

[CopperSkink]

I'm feeling it, and then I'm not. From the first time I read it, I thought it delivered oh-so-subtly, and I was pleased.

I like the "rushed kisses" bit, but not the "douche" bit nor the "sex period" bit. Just doesn't taste right. "Thank you" delivers closure.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea of reading "Kudos" as a member of the whole, which is difficult for me, having seen the original. What I like is that you're no longer going from "Our relationship sucks, but I'm too much of a pushover to do anything about it" to "I'm not really sure what he and I have, but he's still in my life when I know he shouldn't be" kind of thing. With "Kudos" thrown in, I'll now believe that the guy got dumped and the narrator has had to grow up a little bit on the inside whilst dying a bit as well.

Overall, I think it's improved. "Kudos" as a working title is a little off-color, but it's still got a bit of a punch, a bit of "Thanks for the support, asshole."

 

[ellabee]

But...CooperSkink, but what?

Should "Kudos" come last or second-to-last?

Because I like the possibility of having...something there...at the end, but "Kudos" is where the story ends.

I guess that's my question. Does "Kudos" ruin it for all? Does it kill the possibility of the possible? Should it have a definitive "end?"

 

[ellabee]

Thanks! Any specific feedback?

 

[mikeaday]

great story, i love the Submit one. its like you cant decide whether to be pissed at him or scared or just to give in to your desires.

and also tease
you get your frustration out but you still want to strangle him for not helping you finish.

 

[_Lynn_]

I apologize for my short reply, but I don't have a lot of time right now.

First I read them. Then I went to your questions. "Cohesive story" had me scanning them again. It never occurred to me that this was supposed to be one piece somehow. They felt more like short thoughts from events in someone's life. Memories they were writing down to pull back out later and smile or cry over.

As for tension between 'he/I', I didn't find it. Then again, I read this as several 'he's' anyway.

 

[jacks4u]

Ella,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. As a whole, I liked it, but had never even entertained the possibility of a collection of 'microstories' (my term, others may be more appropriate?), each able to stand alone, but as a collection, tell a larger story.


I'll try to comment, from a reader's perspective, which is still my dominant view of other people's prose.

First though, It seems to me that this format would be really tough. Kudos for getting it right!

I like how each sub-story stands on it's own, yet teases, no, forces, the reader's imagination, to fill in the blanks. Yet there is enough variation in style and substance, it would not surprise me if many people could not connect one 'verse' with the next.

My pet peeve is mixed tense. It often pulls me completely out of a story. Succumb is where I first paused, trying to figure out the tense. It feels to me like, in that verse, she shows me what happened in the past, then goes on to tell what's happening right now. There are a couple other places after that. Other than that, word choice seems to be good, though I'm not really one to judge.

As a whole, I think it tells an interesting story, though I do agree with Lynn, "...more like short thoughts from events in someone's life..."

The tension between characters seemed real enough. It seemed like she wanted 'more'. More attention to her sexual needs, more commitment. Yea, the tension's there. However, we don't get to see things from his perspective, don't have a whole lot of clue what he thinks of her.

Should I ...switch the order, Leave out...[?/B]

Kudos and Epilogue, to me seem more like alternate endings to the same story, or perhaps death throes of a dieing relationship. Neither is a definitive ending to the saga, as both leave open the possibility for more...

Overall, I liked this story, but find the style a little disconcerting. I don't mind filling in the blanks, but many people might think otherwise.

Again, Thanks for sharing, and for giving us the opportunity to comment, to provide another's perspective.


Jacks

 

[ellabee]

Thank you all for your feedback. I wanted to post "Six Weeks" because I wanted to make sure it "worked" before I posted to Lit.

Now I'm not sure that it does.

Perhaps I should just keep this one for the personal file and write a real story. I think it's asking a bit of my readers to "fill in the blanks."

What I'm not getting is criticism that allows me to improve on specific parts. Can the piece be salvaged enough to be publishable? If so, how can I take care of that "mixed tense" issue that I think works, but doesn't agree with some? How do I choose the right ending? How do I cohesively connect the 15 stories so they form a more satisfying whole?

 

[_Lynn_]

Thank you all for your feedback. I wanted to post "Six Weeks" because I wanted to make sure it "worked" before I posted to Lit.

Now I'm not sure that it does.

Perhaps I should just keep this one for the personal file and write a real story. I think it's asking a bit of my readers to "fill in the blanks."

What I'm not getting is criticism that allows me to improve on specific parts. Can the piece be salvaged enough to be publishable? If so, how can I take care of that "mixed tense" issue that I think works, but doesn't agree with some? How do I choose the right ending? How do I cohesively connect the 15 stories so they form a more satisfying whole?

What if instead of one total story, you looked at it as fifteen separate ones with the same theme? When you work on the tense issue, you might have to tweak a few here and there to fit a central theme, but it might work. Just a passing thought when I read this.

 

[jacks4u]

Ella,

I know you put a lot of effort in this story, and so challenging! I know I've spent more than 50 words just opening a door.

That's the real challenge, here: To focus your story so tightly that there are few, if any blanks to fill in. I had no real trouble, picturing what each 'verse' was about, but the many things left out detract somewhat. like in "Submit" - Was there actually a fight, with her giving in? or was his passion and need frightening? or was it something else entirely?

<scratches head>

Ella, are you sure you have the right forum? This almost seems like poetry, than prose...and If so, then my comments, all of them, are inappropriate!

"A story in sixteen 50 word poems" ...

Jacks

 

[ellabee]

I'm no poet, Jacks, these can definitely fit within the "prose" category .

Poetry scares me. I haven't written a poem since I was in high school and was "so misunderstood" that I stopped speaking for a week and wrote angsty, rhyming lyrics on my Chucks.

Mmmhmm. Yeah. Prose.

 

[jacks4u]

Ella,

Then I'm doubly bad. Please accept my sincere apologies! For, after my last post, I PM'd one of the people that'd critiqued a poem I'd written, asked her to please drop by and have a look. Can't un-send what's already been sent. I was just trying to help.

I know for a fact, though, that folks around these parts are, for the most part, more mature than 'high school'.

Again, I didn't intend any hurt, or open wounds best left alone.


Jacks:caning:

 

[Penelope Street]

The crisp succinctness also reminds me of poetry.

I see a woman who's so in love with someone even though she knows he's not right for her. If that's the goal, then it works for me in a subtle way.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

*Steps over from the poetry side*
I honestly don't know if this is prose or poetry but then aren't many of the classics very poetic? I don't see why stories shouldn't be short and succint if the point is made in a short form who is to say they aren't whatever the author wants them to be. If this was written in one burst and not in short sections would we even be having this conversation? So in my book (pun not intended!) if you say they are stories then that's what they are. One thing I would add you've got no reason to be afraid of poetry from reading this so nip on over to the poetry section and give it a go. We have a thread over there for writing a piece in a hundred words and also 3/5/10 words. If you can't find the place to write shorter forms here perhaps we can help

 

[ellabee]

Thanks for all your feedback! The story's finally up on Lit...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=448259

Check it out if you're curious to see how the story progressed.