A Little Question

[Anticipating]

First of all a shy hi

Could really do with some advice & words of wisdom please.

A little background, I am a very new submissive although have know forever that is where I should be. Well I've met a Dom, we have shared emails, phone calls, lots of online chats & tasks for me and plan to meet next week for a chat etc. Then I hope; we you know I feel so alive.

My question he can go very quiet on me at times; I then start to feel very insecure and worry I have done something wrong (which I have at times). He does appear happy with me and I do sometime get the odd hint that he is as excited about me and he does say I please him. Is his silence and my insecurity all part of the BDSM relationship?

Thanks

 

[HottieMama]

Have you ever asked him about his silence? If not, I would suggest that you do. He may just be a quieter person in general, or he may be using it as some sort of tool.

 

[FurryFury]

No, it's not part of a BDSM relationship so much, as it is an online relationship with someone that has other interests in his life, besides you. These might include, work, school, a wife or other submissives.

Many people online are also very easily distracted and fickle. Many times new submissives also get very needy.

Not knowing either of you, I can't say which of these do and do not fit your situation.

HTH,

 

[Anticipating]

Have you ever asked him about his silence? If not, I would suggest that you do. He may just be a quieter person in general, or he may be using it as some sort of tool.

Thanks for the reply, if I am honest I think he is using it as a tool as he doen't come across as quiet. He keeps telling me he is the one that will decided when we talk, see each other etc. He knows I am desperate to meet him, just wondering if it is normal for me to feel insecure at times.

 

[Firebrain]

Just because it's a sub-dom relationship should not mean that he lacks respect for you - and yet, it sounds like he does.

Either that, or you're taking this a lot more seriously than he is. What kind of relationship have you agreed to have, if any?

 

[Anticipating]

Just because it's a sub-dom relationship should not mean that he lacks respect for you - and yet, it sounds like he does.

Either that, or you're taking this a lot more seriously than he is. What kind of relationship have you agreed to have, if any?

Well we have had long full discussions and he has said he wants a total, full on one as do I as well, he has always shown me respect; maybe its me being inexperienced and worrying too much. My brain is going into overdrive at the moment

 

[FurryFury]

You should be prepared in case he is one of the many who will make promises but never really want to meet in RL.

 

[Anticipating]

Thank you for your kind replies, I suppose I shall just have to wait and see and just hope he is as geniune as I am.

x x

 

[FurryFury]

Good luck!

I've done the online thing. It can be great. There are some very high highs but also low lows.

 

[BiBunny]

Thanks for the reply, if I am honest I think he is using it as a tool as he doen't come across as quiet. He keeps telling me he is the one that will decided when we talk, see each other etc. He knows I am desperate to meet him, just wondering if it is normal for me to feel insecure at times.

Oh, good Lord. That's the biggest crock of shit I've heard all day.

Ask yourself this. If you and this person were vanilla, would you go along with that? No, you'd say, "What a loser," and go on about your business. Deciding you're kinky doesn't mean letting go of your mental faculties and the relationship skills you've learned up until this point.

Chances are, the guy's married and doesn't have any intention of either meeting you or letting his wife find out about his little online fling. And he sits around and pats himself on the back for being soooo slick that he's fooled you into thinking he's Uber-Master when he's really just sneaking around. If all you want is a pleasant diversion, then that's fine, but if you want something more, I'd bet you dollars to doughnuts you won't get it from this dude.

 

[Firebrain]

Also, when you say he goes quiet on you, what do you mean exactly? How long for?

 

[Love2Lust]

Ya know, I don't think you should look too far into silence. When Daddy and I talk on the phone I find myself dying to hear his voice so if he is silent for just a minute it upsets me. When I tell him about it he has a simple explanation.......either he has run out of things to say (because talking for 10 minutes straight can be tiresome) or he is just taking a breather or giving me the opportunity to talk.

I doubt he is trying to "test" you by staying silent....it could just be a human moment ya know? Didn't feel like talking anymore? ya never know....

 

[StrayKat]

I cant say anything about BDSM context but I avoid people that make me uneasy with silence. There is always some point in conversation when you go quiet, either because you think about what to say next or you just have nothing to say anymore. If such moment makes me feel I have to say something and I am not sure what, I dont like it and I will probably not talk to that person again.

You made me remember something with this thread...
He was absolutely positive that he wanted to marry me asap. I was flattered and amused and I asked him why was he so set on it.
Among other things he said "you are the only girl I know I feel comfortable being silent with". For some reason it stuck in my mind as one of the nicest compliments I got.

 

[Netzach]

Chances are, the guy's married and doesn't have any intention of either meeting you or letting his wife find out about his little online fling.

FTW.

Or he's multitasking with another sub at the same time, if you are talking about long IM pauses, or blogging while you're staring intently at his every word.

 

[unregistered]

 

[Etoile]

Basically, you have two options. Either you are okay with his silences, or you are not.

If you are, then you don't get to pick when they happen or how long they are for. You may or may not get to know why they happen. Maybe he wants to be manipulative, maybe he's seeing someone else, maybe he has narcolepsy. You can ask, but you may not get an answer.

If you're not, then tell him so. If he won't be flexible, end it now. For me, cutting off communication is a big no-no. Unless it is a specific punishment for a specific wrong - and I have had that punishment before - then I am NOT okay with sudden silences of any duration. (Sure, the occasional phone call or busy work week, but not a pattern of silences.) If somebody pulled that with me, I'd end the relationship.

You have to decide which is right for you. Are you okay with the silences, you don't like them and they make you uncomfortable, but mostly you're okay with what he tells you? Or you feel like they're a signal of something bad, and you want to deal with the issue?

 

[CuteBrat]

First of all a shy hi

Could really do with some advice & words of wisdom please.

A little background, I am a very new submissive although have know forever that is where I should be. Well I've met a Dom, we have shared emails, phone calls, lots of online chats & tasks for me and plan to meet next week for a chat etc. Then I hope; we you know I feel so alive.

My question he can go very quiet on me at times; I then start to feel very insecure and worry I have done something wrong (which I have at times). He does appear happy with me and I do sometime get the odd hint that he is as excited about me and he does say I please him. Is his silence and my insecurity all part of the BDSM relationship?

Thanks

in my opinion, you are trying to control him, to top him from the bottom. i dont mean that as a criticism...i think all submissives do that, at least at first. its human nature. but the fact is, you are a SUB. He doesn't have to entertain you, or alleviate your anxiety. He may want to ignore you until He wants to beat or use you. That's His right.

Dominants often use silence as a way of ratcheting things up. It's also a test of a submissive's ability to go into herself, to be the silent object waiting for use. Try to learn to meditate....focus on your breathing....the feeling of your body as you kneel there or whatever. If He is not pleased with you, he will let you know soon enough. But don't try to make Him conform to your needs. NOTHING will ruin the dynamic faster.

Just my 2 cents.

 

[Etoile]

in my opinion, you are trying to control him, to top him from the bottom. i dont mean that as a criticism...i think all submissives do that, at least at first. its human nature. but the fact is, you are a SUB. He doesn't have to entertain you, or alleviate your anxiety. He may want to ignore you until He wants to beat or use you. That's His right.

Dominants often use silence as a way of ratcheting things up. It's also a test of a submissive's ability to go into herself, to be the silent object waiting for use. Try to learn to meditate....focus on your breathing....the feeling of your body as you kneel there or whatever. If He is not pleased with you, he will let you know soon enough. But don't try to make Him conform to your needs. NOTHING will ruin the dynamic faster.

Just my 2 cents.

You missed a capitalization there.

 

[CuteBrat]

You missed a capitalization there.

yeah i suck at that

 

[00Syd]

in my opinion, you are trying to control him, to top him from the bottom. i dont mean that as a criticism...i think all submissives do that, at least at first. its human nature. but the fact is, you are a SUB. He doesn't have to entertain you, or alleviate your anxiety. He may want to ignore you until He wants to beat or use you. That's His right.

Dominants often use silence as a way of ratcheting things up. It's also a test of a submissive's ability to go into herself, to be the silent object waiting for use. Try to learn to meditate....focus on your breathing....the feeling of your body as you kneel there or whatever. If He is not pleased with you, he will let you know soon enough. But don't try to make Him conform to your needs. NOTHING will ruin the dynamic faster.

Just my 2 cents.

Not every D/s dynamic works in this same way. If my BF decided to ignore me until he wanted to beat me I would probably beat him. And then cry. Its best not to assume that every D/s or BDSM relationship works in the same way, or has the same dynamic as yours, or others that you are familiar with. Every relationship, like every person in every relationship, is different. For example, while your needs might not be an important part of your relationship, my relationship recognizes that I'm pretty needy and my needs get attention. Different strokes for different folks.

Anyway, like I said, my point is that its best not to assume too much about others dynamics. IMO, the best way to deal with a relationship you are unfamiliar with is to approach everything neutrally, take everything you are told by the people in the relationship at face value, and wait to have the specifics of the dynamic revealed to you instead of assuming them beforehand.










(Like when I'm with Seb [my bf] and we meet some people, and Sebastian is introduced and spoken to, but nobody is introduced to me and I'm ignored. This happens A LOT. And it's like, HELLO, ASSHOLE. Yes, in your relationship the pyl might not be allowed to talk until spoken to and is routinely ignored, but that's not how my relationship works and why are you assuming that it is?. Nothing pisses me off more than when people assume things about my relationship, especially things like that. I always kind of want to thrust myself in front of them and say something like "Hi, I'm Syd, you are allowed to talk to me, don't be shy" but usually by that point I'm too pissed off and don't want to talk to them at all, even to tell them off )

 

[CuteBrat]

Not every D/s dynamic works in this same way. If my BF decided to ignore me until he wanted to beat me I would probably beat him. And then cry. Its best not to assume that every D/s or BDSM relationship works in the same way, or has the same dynamic as yours, or others that you are familiar with. Every relationship, like every person in every relationship, is different. For example, while your needs might not be an important part of your relationship, my relationship recognizes that I'm pretty needy and my needs get attention. Different strokes for different folks.

Anyway, like I said, my point is that its best not to assume too much about others dynamics. IMO, the best way to deal with a relationship you are unfamiliar with is to approach everything neutrally, take everything you are told by the people in the relationship at face value, and wait to have the specifics of the dynamic revealed to you instead of assuming them beforehand.

i certainly dont want to tell you how to run your relationship or barge in....but if your Dominant bases his actions on how you will react, i don't see how you are the submissive one of the pair.

 

[Etoile]

Not every D/s dynamic works in this same way. If my BF decided to ignore me until he wanted to beat me I would probably beat him. And then cry. Its best not to assume that every D/s or BDSM relationship works in the same way, or has the same dynamic as yours, or others that you are familiar with. Every relationship, like every person in every relationship, is different. For example, while your needs might not be an important part of your relationship, my relationship recognizes that I'm pretty needy and my needs get attention. Different strokes for different folks.

Anyway, like I said, my point is that its best not to assume too much about others dynamics. IMO, the best way to deal with a relationship you are unfamiliar with is to approach everything neutrally, take everything you are told by the people in the relationship at face value, and wait to have the specifics of the dynamic revealed to you instead of assuming them beforehand.

OMG, where's the calendar? This is brilliant and needs to be added.

 

[Etoile]

i certainly dont want to tell you how to run your relationship or barge in....but if your Dominant bases his actions on how you will react, i don't see how you are the submissive one of the pair.

Wow, it's like you walked right out of CastleRealm!

 

[BiBunny]

Wow, it's like you walked right out of CastleRealm!

*Snort*

 

[CuteBrat]

Wow, it's like you walked right out of CastleRealm!

i really dont mean to be like that...and i recognize everyone has their own level of submission and Domination. But i really do get annoyed at how the term submissive has gotten so dumbed down, imho. It all started with this whole "submission is a gift" bullshit, which was essentially the death of BDSM for many.

For ME...and for the Dominants that would interest me....submission involves SUBMITTING. It's not about them cherishing my precious gift. It's not about them making sure they make me happy and give me attention. It's about me fucking submitting...and them being strong enough and consistent enough to keep me in my place.

I DONT want to start a flame war...and i really don't mean to be disrespectful to anyone. But i do think submission has been watered down so much, it just makes me crazy.

But then again...that may not have been the longest journey i've ever taken...