Pure
Fiel a Verdad
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- Dec 20, 2001
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Canada has so many unfair health-care advantages, it makes Americans sick
BRUCE McCALL
[Globe and Mail, 9-18-09]
NEW YORK
Below is the full text of a document meant to be tucked into all American high-school social studies textbooks and American medical dictionaries, e-mailed to every member of Congress and senator, and printed in large type on the reverse side of all drug prescriptions written in the U.S.
It was wrapped around a rock and hurled through the window of the Canadian embassy in Washington, D.C., late last night, allegedly by a disgruntled Big Pharma mailroom employee who vanished immediately afterward under suspicious circumstances.
Canadian health-care costs are artificially lowered, and life expectancy artificially prolonged, by the lack of gunshot wounds, a direct consequence of the nation's centrist-liberal-socialist-Marxist-Stalinist-type suppression of the constitutionally guaranteed right to kill and maim.
Felling giant trees, chopping firewood, playing ice hockey, tapping maple trees for syrup on long winter days and fishing for cod even when it rains helps to make Canadians immune to carpal tunnel syndrome, gout, microwave radiation and myriad other profitable ailments contracted by Americans in their more civilized indoor lifestyle.
A huge percentage of Canadians are Inuit, who are not only weatherproof but also dump their sick old folks out into the Arctic night instead of into nursing homes, saving the government billions in geriatric health-care costs.
Every doctor knows that sub-Arctic Canada's frigid climate kills millions of germs that thrive in temperate regions such as the United States, so myriad costly illnesses - e.g. dengue fever, malaria, sleeping sickness - are unknown in the greyish, blustery Great White North. No wonder Canadian health care is cheaper.
Canada's notorious governmental interference in people's personal lives leads to early detection of rashes, limps, boils and other telltale physical symptoms, cheating the medical fraternity of income from lingering illnesses.
Everybody knows that the Queen of England and the Duke of Edinburgh detest people who sniffle, cough, break out in fever sweats etc. in their presence. Ever-deferential Canadians thus conceal any symptoms of illness in case they should run into Her Majesty and her consort, making them seem healthier.
Depressed at being right across the border and yet not real Americans, thousands of Canadians sink into apathy, neglecting personal grooming and health concerns, avoiding proper medical care and falsely depicting a healthy population by underreporting illness.
The Mounties, famous for always getting their man, go out on patrol in remote regions and find sick people, especially aboriginal Canadians and aliens, who would be entitled to no care in the U.S., and drag them in to hospital for free. Ambulance and stretcher costs are all but eliminated in another unfair Canadian advantage over the American system.
Canada's fierce winters generate cataclysmic blizzards that discourage the sick and elderly from even trying to snowshoe their way to the nearest clinic or hospital, artificially lowering Canada's statistics on hospital-bed occupancy compared with U.S. figures, which they can then brag about.
Polar bears forced southward from the melting Arctic by global warming eat many Canadians who might otherwise be filing expensive medical claims.
Bruce McCall is a Canadian
BRUCE McCALL
[Globe and Mail, 9-18-09]
NEW YORK
Below is the full text of a document meant to be tucked into all American high-school social studies textbooks and American medical dictionaries, e-mailed to every member of Congress and senator, and printed in large type on the reverse side of all drug prescriptions written in the U.S.
It was wrapped around a rock and hurled through the window of the Canadian embassy in Washington, D.C., late last night, allegedly by a disgruntled Big Pharma mailroom employee who vanished immediately afterward under suspicious circumstances.
Canadian health-care costs are artificially lowered, and life expectancy artificially prolonged, by the lack of gunshot wounds, a direct consequence of the nation's centrist-liberal-socialist-Marxist-Stalinist-type suppression of the constitutionally guaranteed right to kill and maim.
Felling giant trees, chopping firewood, playing ice hockey, tapping maple trees for syrup on long winter days and fishing for cod even when it rains helps to make Canadians immune to carpal tunnel syndrome, gout, microwave radiation and myriad other profitable ailments contracted by Americans in their more civilized indoor lifestyle.
A huge percentage of Canadians are Inuit, who are not only weatherproof but also dump their sick old folks out into the Arctic night instead of into nursing homes, saving the government billions in geriatric health-care costs.
Every doctor knows that sub-Arctic Canada's frigid climate kills millions of germs that thrive in temperate regions such as the United States, so myriad costly illnesses - e.g. dengue fever, malaria, sleeping sickness - are unknown in the greyish, blustery Great White North. No wonder Canadian health care is cheaper.
Canada's notorious governmental interference in people's personal lives leads to early detection of rashes, limps, boils and other telltale physical symptoms, cheating the medical fraternity of income from lingering illnesses.
Everybody knows that the Queen of England and the Duke of Edinburgh detest people who sniffle, cough, break out in fever sweats etc. in their presence. Ever-deferential Canadians thus conceal any symptoms of illness in case they should run into Her Majesty and her consort, making them seem healthier.
Depressed at being right across the border and yet not real Americans, thousands of Canadians sink into apathy, neglecting personal grooming and health concerns, avoiding proper medical care and falsely depicting a healthy population by underreporting illness.
The Mounties, famous for always getting their man, go out on patrol in remote regions and find sick people, especially aboriginal Canadians and aliens, who would be entitled to no care in the U.S., and drag them in to hospital for free. Ambulance and stretcher costs are all but eliminated in another unfair Canadian advantage over the American system.
Canada's fierce winters generate cataclysmic blizzards that discourage the sick and elderly from even trying to snowshoe their way to the nearest clinic or hospital, artificially lowering Canada's statistics on hospital-bed occupancy compared with U.S. figures, which they can then brag about.
Polar bears forced southward from the melting Arctic by global warming eat many Canadians who might otherwise be filing expensive medical claims.
Bruce McCall is a Canadian
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And you do look just like the gnome (kids come up to you at Christmas time, don't they?
