Falling out of lust?

[miss_bopeep]

Thanks for all the great advice on that one

 

[emap]

I think first you really need to figure out what it is about him that doesn't work for your libido.

There are certain things that he can't change, like his nose or the way he smells after a shower or sex. Well Ok he can change his nose but not many guys would I think.

Is it the way he walks, or talks, is it his eyes, a mole on his forhead that drives you nuts. I mean there are so many things that a guy could or could not do that makes him not a stud. Once you figure out what on earth that is, can be just one teeny tiny little thing, you can either tell us in here and get our thoughts, or figure out if it is something you can deal with or he can maybe change.

Though right off the bat all I can think of is to go out with other guys, sow your wild oats and see if you can stand to be in his bed after the other guys.

So totally off subject, but do us gals have wild oats to sow or do we just let some guy sow them in/on us?

 

[JohnMBrowning]

Can't help. It's ever been my curse that I get bored fucking the same person after a while. Or maybe it's my curse that I ackowldedge getting bored fucking the same person after a while. I'm willing to accept that it's the former, but have never come to a firm conclusion. I'm also willing to accept that this may be of less importance in a long term relationship than most people suggest in this era, but have no conclusion on that.

 

[infinity706]

I think first you really need to figure out what it is about him that doesn't work for your libido.

There are certain things that he can't change, like his nose or the way he smells after a shower or sex. Well Ok he can change his nose but not many guys would I think.

Is it the way he walks, or talks, is it his eyes, a mole on his forhead that drives you nuts. I mean there are so many things that a guy could or could not do that makes him not a stud. Once you figure out what on earth that is, can be just one teeny tiny little thing, you can either tell us in here and get our thoughts, or figure out if it is something you can deal with or he can maybe change.

Though right off the bat all I can think of is to go out with other guys, sow your wild oats and see if you can stand to be in his bed after the other guys.

So totally off subject, but do us gals have wild oats to sow or do we just let some guy sow them in/on us?

Well, women don't literally sow anything, but I'm not sure the term was meant to be taken literally anyway.

 

[SweetErika]

Now that the honeymoon period has cooled off a bit, I'm starting to recognize a feeling I've experienced with him before... I do love him but when it comes to sex i find myself making excuses not to, or inadvertently turning my head away when he tries to kiss me. I feel as if I love him more as a brother than any thing, yet the thought of not being with him is unbearable.

I have never intended to have a very serious long term relationship with him, it sort of just panned out that way however I know that it wont carry on to the next level (moving in together etc)

I'm really sorry this post is so long but i just don't know what to do! I love this guy and cant bear hurting him but i find myself fantasizing about us breaking up, i just don't feel sexy with him like I wish I could. I feel as if I'm betraying him by not being attracted to him :-(


Advice? xo

It seems to me you know exactly what you must do. You're just afraid to do it because change is hard, and ending the romantic part of your relationship is change and moving into the unknown.

The thing is, if your friendship is so strong, it'll win out over any hurt feelings eventually. Therefore, I'd suggest talking to him about your desire to keep all of the wonderful things you have together while moving on and trying to find better long-term matches separately. And, who knows, maybe he's been trying to think of a way to tell you the same thing.

But you can't stay stagnant and miserable just because it's slightly more comfortable than the possibility of hurt feelings at this point. Doing so isn't being kind to either of you. He deserves to be with someone who's passionate about being with him, just as much as you deserve to be with someone you're passionate about. And as someone who loves him, I'm sure you know that deep down.

Good luck!

 

[miss_bopeep]

Hmm thanks for the advice, I think you have a good point there sweeterica, I know its not fair on him..
I just can't help but think of how crushing it would be to hear from your SO "I just don't find you attractive any more.." How does one even begin to phrase that?

 

[SweetErika]

Hmm thanks for the advice, I think you have a good point there sweeterica, I know its not fair on him..
I just can't help but think of how crushing it would be to hear from your SO "I just don't find you attractive any more.." How does one even begin to phrase that?

I'm not sure I would say that, at least not unless I absolutely had to.

What I'd be more likely to say is something like, "You have so many amazing qualities as a friend and lover, and I love having you in my life. However, I don't think we have enough in common to be the kind of romantic match we both deserve long-term. So, I think it'd be best if we'd take the romantic part of our relationship off the table; then we can both figure out who we are, what we want and need, and find more happiness long-term."

 

[JohnMBrowning]

It seems to me you know exactly what you must do. You're just afraid to do it because change is hard, and ending the romantic part of your relationship is change and moving into the unknown.

The thing is, if your friendship is so strong, it'll win out over any hurt feelings eventually. Therefore, I'd suggest talking to him about your desire to keep all of the wonderful things you have together while moving on and trying to find better long-term matches separately. And, who knows, maybe he's been trying to think of a way to tell you the same thing.

But you can't stay stagnant and miserable just because it's slightly more comfortable than the possibility of hurt feelings at this point. Doing so isn't being kind to either of you. He deserves to be with someone who's passionate about being with him, just as much as you deserve to be with someone you're passionate about. And as someone who loves him, I'm sure you know that deep down.

Good luck!

I described one person (me) who just gets bored fucking the same person after a while. I suspect I'm not extremely unusual in that - can you be sure that Bopeep is not another? It doesn't sound like this is Mr. Right for her in any event, but what if he were except for this one factor, which if she's like me would have more to do with her than with him?

If that were the case, is it not possible that she's being sent off on an endless quest in which she goes from man to man, eventually getting bored sexually with all of them, and along the way allowing potentially deeper, more profound satisfactions pass her by? Things like the opportunity to have children, raise a family, get old with the same person, etc?

I honestly don't know the answer to this question, but I believe it's worth thinking about. It may be heresy on a porn board (and in a hyper-sexualized society), but sex may not the most important factor for life-long happiness, and for some people the concept of lifelong hotness with the same person may be a non-starter. IOW, maybe not everyone can have it all (more heresy), and so must make choices and tradeoffs.

 

[miss_bopeep]

That's a good point John, but unfortunately for me I am a fairly hyper-sexual person, and it seems to me that my current lover is the only one this has happened with.. which is a shame as he's perfect in every other way..
Needless to say I'm still very young and there are plenty more fish in the sea to find life long happiness with. Who knows maybe I am being shallow but I feel as if I'm lying to him all the same.

Thanks for all the advice everybody

PS: sweeterika are you my fairy godmother?

 

[JohnMBrowning]

That's a good point John, but unfortunately for me I am a fairly hyper-sexual person, and it seems to me that my current lover is the only one this has happened with.. which is a shame as he's perfect in every other way..
Needless to say I'm still very young and there are plenty more fish in the sea to find life long happiness with. Who knows maybe I am being shallow but I feel as if I'm lying to him all the same.

Thanks for all the advice everybody

PS: sweeterika are you my fairy godmother?

Bo - The term "sex-positive" is used around here sometimes. Sounds like you are "sex positive" person - you like it, you know you like it, you're not ashamed or embarrassed by that, and you think all the "normal" people who don't share all that are actually the ones who are whacked, while your attitudes are what should be considered "normal." Sound right? (If yes, how 'bout a date? - just kidding. Kinda just kidding. )

Question: Is this guy also "sex positive," or is he what is (misguidedly) called "normal?"

Just curious.

 

[miss_bopeep]

See this might seem completely rational if he were infact "normal" but he's not :-( He's just as sex positive as I am, only prob is I'm not sex positive with him
Instead of this being a good thing it just makes me feel all pressured and anti sex which is not very me at all!

 

[SweetErika]

I described one person (me) who just gets bored fucking the same person after a while. I suspect I'm not extremely unusual in that - can you be sure that Bopeep is not another? It doesn't sound like this is Mr. Right for her in any event, but what if he were except for this one factor, which if she's like me would have more to do with her than with him?

If that were the case, is it not possible that she's being sent off on an endless quest in which she goes from man to man, eventually getting bored sexually with all of them, and along the way allowing potentially deeper, more profound satisfactions pass her by? Things like the opportunity to have children, raise a family, get old with the same person, etc?

I honestly don't know the answer to this question, but I believe it's worth thinking about. It may be heresy on a porn board (and in a hyper-sexualized society), but sex may not the most important factor for life-long happiness, and for some people the concept of lifelong hotness with the same person may be a non-starter. IOW, maybe not everyone can have it all (more heresy), and so must make choices and tradeoffs.

NO ONE is saying sex is the most important factor in a LTR for most people.

However, sex is certainly one important factor for the vast majority of people. If you don't believe me, go find and skim the massive "Happily Married, Sexually Unfulfilled" thread in Personals. Though the title is a misnomer, IMO, since most of those sexually unfulfilled folks point to example after example of their dissatisfaction with their relationships; many consider cheating, are staying "for the kids" or due to financial reasons, plenty have NO intimacy, etc.

The way I see it, someone like MB can stay with this guy unhappily--just in case she won't find someone she'll be happy with, as you say--and be just like the complainants in the aforementioned thread, OR she could try other partners and relationships on for size before deciding on which path(s) she'd be happiest taking. At her age especially, she'd be a fool to settle when she has lots of opportunities to experiment and see what works for her, though.

That's a good point John, but unfortunately for me I am a fairly hyper-sexual person, and it seems to me that my current lover is the only one this has happened with.. which is a shame as he's perfect in every other way..
Needless to say I'm still very young and there are plenty more fish in the sea to find life long happiness with. Who knows maybe I am being shallow but I feel as if I'm lying to him all the same.

Thanks for all the advice everybody

PS: sweeterika are you my fairy godmother?

Nope, and I don't even play one on TV.

You've clearly got a good head on your shoulders and the right ideas. You're being practical about your needs, not shallow. It's a shame more people aren't like that. Now summon up the courage to go with your gut, and everything will work out just fine.

 

[JohnMBrowning]

The way I see it, someone like MB can stay with this guy unhappily--just in case she won't find someone she'll be happy with, as you say--and be just like the complainants in the aforementioned thread, OR she could try other partners and relationships on for size before deciding on which path(s) she'd be happiest taking. At her age especially, she'd be a fool to settle when she has lots of opportunities to experiment and see what works for her, though.

Roger that, but those things need to be balanced by consideration of the possibilities I mentioned. Either alone could lead to error, but combine them and add a heaping helping of introspection, and you're on the path to clearing away lots of confusion and seeing things more clearly.

 

[vin_26m]

I just can't help but think of how crushing it would be to hear from your SO "I just don't find you attractive any more.." How does one even begin to phrase that?

Probably as much as him telling you "I just don't want to be friends with you anymore..."

Even then, he'll get over it. It would probably take a day or two, at most. Possibly within five minutes.

I'm not sure I would say that, at least not unless I absolutely had to.

What I'd be more likely to say is something like, "You have so many amazing qualities as a friend and lover, and I love having you in my life. However, I don't think we have enough in common to be the kind of romantic match we both deserve long-term. So, I think it'd be best if we'd take the romantic part of our relationship off the table; then we can both figure out who we are, what we want and need, and find more happiness long-term."

While I agree with SweetErika about cutting him loose, I disagree with the phrasing.

He probably doesn't want to hear that sappy crap.

It would be like a guy telling a girl, "You have great tits and a sweet ass, and I love having them in my life, but I don't think we have enough in common to be friends. So let's keep fucking but forget the friend stuff."

If you heard that, you would tell him to fuck off. It sounds like a compliment on the surface, but it's really an insult. "I want to keep half of you but not the rest of you." "Let's just fuck/be friends." Same thing, but phrased differently.

Just cut him loose. "I'm not into this relationship anymore. I want to see other people."

No apologies, no excuses, no insults (ie "you're unattractive"). If he still wants to be your friend, he will.

Maybe he'll still want to be friends. Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll get over it after a while, or after he finds someone who can appreciate him COMPLETELY. Maybe you'll change your mind knowing he's fucking someone else.

If you really care about him, you'll do him a favor and FULLY let him go. Otherwise, you're just being greedy, putting him in a position in which he might look/feel guilty for depriving you of friendship after you deprive him of sex. Do you really want him to stick around because he feels bad?

It's one thing to be friends with a girl he never had sex with. It's another thing if he's friends with a girl who had sex with him and REJECTED him afterwards. He's got to really care about you, have a great ego, or has some emotional masochistic tendencies.

I've been on the other end of that conversation. When she said, "Let's just be friends," I responded with, "Let's not." I was much happier for it. I heard through the grapevine that she was not. Eventually, we became friendly again. In the end, we were both better off because we both found new people.