Telling s.o. to lose weight

[rosebud5446]

I haven't been here in a while, so hey everyone!
Okay, so I was talking to my fiance, and I don't remember exactly what brought it up (maybe some sandals I just got) and he said something about how come I don't buy sexier clothes. We kind of got in an argument because first of all, I feel like these sandals are totally me, and so I'm mad that when I buy something that makes me happy, he's mad b/c it doesn't make him happy I guess.
Secondly, I didn't say this but the reason I don't dress sexy for him anymore (i dress cute, but don't go out of my way to dress sexy) is because he's gained like 50 lbs and I'm not particularly attracted to it, and feel like I don't need to put in any effort to look good if he doesn't (he said he dresses nice sometimes, but when you got a 50 lb gut you're toting around, I don't notice it too much). I have tried to encourage exercising and cooking good foods without blatantly telling him that he's fat, but he would rather play Madden or just eat 3 servings of the healthier food I make. This has been bothering me for a while, and I just don't know what to do.
I know this is kind of a shallow post, but it's affecting our sex life and we aren't even married yet! Feel free to give advice, but I kind of feel a little better venting, because I don't feel like I have anyone else to vent to about something like this b/c I don't want to tell my friends and embarrass him.

 

[great lover]

I haven't been here in a while, so hey everyone!
Okay, so I was talking to my fiance, and I don't remember exactly what brought it up (maybe some sandals I just got) and he said something about how come I don't buy sexier clothes. We kind of got in an argument because first of all, I feel like these sandals are totally me, and so I'm mad that when I buy something that makes me happy, he's mad b/c it doesn't make him happy I guess.
Secondly, I didn't say this but the reason I don't dress sexy for him anymore (i dress cute, but don't go out of my way to dress sexy) is because he's gained like 50 lbs and I'm not particularly attracted to it, and feel like I don't need to put in any effort to look good if he doesn't (he said he dresses nice sometimes, but when you got a 50 lb gut you're toting around, I don't notice it too much). I have tried to encourage exercising and cooking good foods without blatantly telling him that he's fat, but he would rather play Madden or just eat 3 servings of the healthier food I make. This has been bothering me for a while, and I just don't know what to do.
I know this is kind of a shallow post, but it's affecting our sex life and we aren't even married yet! Feel free to give advice, but I kind of feel a little better venting, because I don't feel like I have anyone else to vent to about something like this b/c I don't want to tell my friends and embarrass him.

Tell him to shape up or ship out!

 

[emap]

Tell him to shape up or ship out!

Oh my, go back to the GB.

Actually he has a point, one of the better ways to do it is to simply tell him you don't find his beer belly attractive and either he loses it or you. However way you wish to put it works best of course. Normally this is something you notice in married men, they get married and stop trying, apparently your guy did the same thing before marriage.

Granted men and women swell up as they get older but I'm pretty sure he's not 80 so this is a bad thing. Perhaps you could phrase it as a worry about his health, it's been shown that being even 30 pounds overweight increases the chances of heart attacks strokes and general poor health. Of course you cna give him incensives, like, you wear the teeny tiny little black dress he loves taking you out of or well you get the idea.

 

[Eilan]

Have you set a wedding date, rosebud?

I'm interested in the responses to this thread because a couple of weeks ago I was considering starting a similar-ish thread based on a discussion I was following on another site.

 

[JohnMBrowning]

I was 25 and my then-lover (and since life-long friend) asked - suggestively - if I was getting fat. I was shocked at the notion, because until then I had enjoyed the natural fitness of youth (something apparently less "natural" in this era.)

About that time, for unrelated reasons, I got interested in mountain bike endurance races and related aerobic sports, and became a regular jogger as part of the training. It became a habit even when my sporting days were over, and decades later I still plod out 3-4 miles, 3-4 days a week. It's always "shocking" when that moment arrives when I must go jog, but the habit is so strong that must is the operative word.

My friend was right all those decades ago - I was growing a spare tire. It quickly melted away in those sporting pursuits, and in decades since has reappeared, expanding from a "10-speed tire" almost to mountain-bike size - not bad for someone my age. So what a blessing to have built that exercise habit years ago! Without it I would be plump dumpling, as are most in my cohort, instead of a pretty darned fit and trim specimen for my age!

Maybe all that will give you some ideas. Good luck.

 

[sugaredwalls]

I haven't been here in a while, so hey everyone!
Okay, so I was talking to my fiance, and I don't remember exactly what brought it up (maybe some sandals I just got) and he said something about how come I don't buy sexier clothes. We kind of got in an argument because first of all, I feel like these sandals are totally me, and so I'm mad that when I buy something that makes me happy, he's mad b/c it doesn't make him happy I guess.
Secondly, I didn't say this but the reason I don't dress sexy for him anymore (i dress cute, but don't go out of my way to dress sexy) is because he's gained like 50 lbs and I'm not particularly attracted to it, and feel like I don't need to put in any effort to look good if he doesn't (he said he dresses nice sometimes, but when you got a 50 lb gut you're toting around, I don't notice it too much). I have tried to encourage exercising and cooking good foods without blatantly telling him that he's fat, but he would rather play Madden or just eat 3 servings of the healthier food I make. This has been bothering me for a while, and I just don't know what to do.
I know this is kind of a shallow post, but it's affecting our sex life and we aren't even married yet! Feel free to give advice, but I kind of feel a little better venting, because I don't feel like I have anyone else to vent to about something like this b/c I don't want to tell my friends and embarrass him.

I don't think you're being shallow at all, if anything you sound concerned and in a frame of mind of wanting to help. Honestly? Any sort of ultimatum is not going to work and just make your S.O feel worse about how he looks than he already does. You're in a difficult situation, you don't want to be mean but you know he has to get healthier and lose some weight. That's hard because the only way it's going to happen is if he wants it to happen.

Maybe starting out small with the exercise thing, so it isn't overwhelming. Perhaps starting out easy like taking a walk, as something you can do together. And when it comes time to meal planning, do it together, so he feels like he has a choice about which healthy foods he wants to eat. The worst part about dieting is a person feeling deprived, so protein and fiber rich foods in a few small meals a day instead of just 3 can make a big difference.

Also, sometimes there are issues behind weight gain, even for men. It could be something physical or something psychological, it's best to see a doctor to find out. That's something else you may want to think about as well. A 50 pound weight gain is a little more serious than just gaining a few pounds, there could be underlying causes.

He has to do this mostly for himself but if he truly does love you and knows you are speaking to him about his weight gain because of concern, that may motivate him more than berating him or giving him an ultimatum.

 

[TypicalDeviant]

Don't worry about embarassing anyone, everyone already knows he's gained weight. Especially him. He's in denial and will lose weight when he's ready.

All you can do is subtly encourage him. For example, ask him if he wants to go on a walk with you, if he says "no", say "ok, and go on your walk. Eventually he'll want to spend time with you. If he doesn't... well, it may foreshadow problems down the road.

My friend's fiancee has gained a LOT of weight since their relationship started. He wants her to be healthy, she likes the idea of losing weight, but not the discipline and sacrifice. Last year, her New Years resolution was to start eating better and losing weight. She would start on 1/1/09. Two days before New Years Eve, she was eating half of a cheese cake. When I asked her about her resolution, her reply was "I can eat whatever I want now, my resolution doesn't start for a few more days".

I will say though, that this is one area, and there aren't many, where I feel that it's okay to present him with an ultimatum. If he doesn't shape up, tell him that you feel he's been lying to you for the duration of your relationship. It's false advertising and you won't stand for it. It sounds kind of lame, but it's true.

 

[Mac98]

I saw this on King of Queens, so I wouldn't suggest not taking this with a grain of salt, but you could always bring up the possibility of both of you joining a gym.

That way you could both stay fit together.

 

[PertPerth]

DESC! It's the secret for all difficult conversations!
Describe
Emotion
Specify (change or suggestion)
Consequences

Describe the situation from your view.
Emotion : Tell him how it makes you feel - use emotions
Specify changes which can correct the situation -
Consequences of his actions

Example :
When you don't make an effort to get excercise, eat healthily and take care of your body, it makes me feel like you don't care about the way that I see you physically and makes me feel like I'm being taken for granted. I would really like it if you cared more about the way you looked. I would like us to start a health kick - perhaps we could join a gym? Otherwise, I don't feel like dressing sexy like I used to.

 

[JohnMBrowning]

I mentioned how I always have a feeling of shock when the time comes to go jog each day. I tell myself it's mandatory, not optional, but the bottom line comes down to just one thing: Discipline.

There is no substitute for discipline. I could get philosophical and apply that to lots of things in life, but perhaps in this area the requirement is felt most directly and immediately.

There's a choice every person must make: Will I be a person who accepts the need for discipline in this realm and exercises it, or, like most Americans, will I evade that reality and behave as if this somehow doesn't apply to me?

 

[SweetErika]

Don't worry about embarassing anyone, everyone already knows he's gained weight. Especially him. He's in denial and will lose weight when he's ready.

All you can do is subtly encourage him. For example, ask him if he wants to go on a walk with you, if he says "no", say "ok, and go on your walk. Eventually he'll want to spend time with you. If he doesn't... well, it may foreshadow problems down the road.

My friend's fiancee has gained a LOT of weight since their relationship started. He wants her to be healthy, she likes the idea of losing weight, but not the discipline and sacrifice. Last year, her New Years resolution was to start eating better and losing weight. She would start on 1/1/09. Two days before New Years Eve, she was eating half of a cheese cake. When I asked her about her resolution, her reply was "I can eat whatever I want now, my resolution doesn't start for a few more days".

I will say though, that this is one area, and there aren't many, where I feel that it's okay to present him with an ultimatum. If he doesn't shape up, tell him that you feel he's been lying to you for the duration of your relationship. It's false advertising and you won't stand for it. It sounds kind of lame, but it's true.

I agree, right up until that last paragraph. An ultimatum will very likely make him feel worse about himself and not get any long-term results.

Long-term health requires a lifestyle change, self-motivation and support. Tobacco users have to ultimately quit for themselves. Addicts need to ultimately abstain from their substance(s) of choice for themselves. And people who aren't in very good shape need to change their diet and exercise habits for themselves. We can lead people to the answers by pointing out how their behavior impacts us, but we can't make them change long-term via pressure or ultimatums.

Rosebud, I think you should heed PertPerth's advice and support your guy in every way possible. Make it about getting healthy together so you can eventually start a family and be happy together long-term. I'm not sure what your guy's vices are, but if you're responsible for shopping, only get really healthy stuff. If he eats breakfast or lunch out, try packing him healthier, satisfying meals. Make exercising about being more active and spending more time together. Tell him YOU want to make positive changes and ask for his support and company in eating right and being more active. Treat him as you would want to be treated if you were in this situation (because you may very well be someday due to illness, injury, depression, etc.).

 

[Noor]

Maybe he is testing to see if you love and accept him for who he is and will be there for better or worse?

 

[Mac98]

I doubt that... at least from my point of view. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't gain 50 pounds to "test her love"...