"Coming out" about BDSM

[Sayyid]

So I take it that many of you, like me, keep your sex life and especially your particular perversions to yourselves most of the time. (Others may not be so inhibited.) I haven't told many people about my interest in BDSM, or at least the full extent of it, but last night I had a long and involved conversation with a friend who was curious about it and had never met anyone who was into the scene before. I explained all about D/s, bondage, dungeons, different types of play et&c. Point is, how open are you about your kinky interests? Do you talk about your sex life freely, or are you more timid? Do you find others react with curiosity or revulsion? Me, I'm trying to open up a bit me and express my feelings more clearly. I don't consider it anything to be ashamed of, just another lifestyle that people engage in.

Feel free to share your experiences here.

 

[drivensnow]

I keep it on a "need to know" for the most part. The majority of friends in my life are sexually open and frank, and I have no qualms discussing my interests with them. Family and coworkers don't need or want to know, plain and simple.

 

[CutieMouse]

Question - how often do you go into intimate details of your non-kinky sexual activities (with family, friends,strangers)?

 

[brigid_fitch]

Although my friends and I are very open about our sex lives, a scant few know about my BDSM proclivities. I find that most of us in the lifestyle are equally secretive. This is a double-edged sword, however: It protects us from those who would judge us, but hides us from those who are similarly inclined.

I found out quite innocently that one of my friends was a Dom just by tossing out a joke. A bunch of us IT geeks were talking about passwords and (because I was extraordinarily drunk) I said I'd be more likely to tell people my safeword than my password. Everyone laughed, but when I got home, there was an email from one of them telling me that I shouldn't joke about safewords, as they meant something totally different to him. This was a guy I would never suspect to be in the lifestyle.

On the flip side, I opened up to another friend of mine that I liked being a sub and she nearly recoiled in disgust. Even when I tried to put the lifestyle in terms of Mistress Heather on CSI it wasn't enough. In my experience, there's still too much prejudice out there to be entirely open and honest. Best to feel people out before opening up.

 

[Bandit58]

We are out to our friends, most of whom are vanilla (although one of our male friends' girlfriends hasn't spoken to us and avoids us since she found out I was bi and that we were into BDSM.....I find it hilarious because she's rather stuck up and really what makes her think she's so attractive that I'd make a move on her or that Sir would break out the whips and chains in her presence.... ).

My family (mother, brother and 2 grown up kids) live in NZ and I live in Sydney Australia with Sir, the kids know I am bi but no one knows anything about the BDSM.

 

[Sayyid]

Question - how often do you go into intimate details of your non-kinky sexual activities (with family, friends,strangers)?

Not very often unless specifically asked, but I'm pretty open about everything, including sex. I just don't mention the full spectrum of depraved activities I'm into very often.

Incidentally I think kinksters should have a word for "outing" themselves. If gays get "the closet," what do we get - out of the cage? the dungeon?

 

[scarletnym]

I am completely hidden with my sexual needs. Whether its true or not, I don't feel my friends and family would understand. There are things in my mind that scare me, how could I expect them to understand. Part of me likes that, but mostly I wish I had someone to tell everything to, ask questions, and get some answers.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

My family knows nothing about my involvement in BDSM. *Good* friends almost all know, whether they're vanilla or kinky, though they may not know the extent of my involvement. Moderate friends get hints once in a while, e.g., one says something about me being mean and I respond, "Yeah, well, I thought you knew I was a sadist." They *mostly* just chuckle, though I've seen a few sets of eyes widen - sometimes with interest, sometimes with ... disgust?

A gal that I deal with in business frequently was bein' a smartass the other day and I flippantly remarked, "Watch out, or I'll have to take you in the back room and turn you over my knee." Her pupils dilated BIGtime, and when I chuckled at her, she turned BEET red and mumbled something about her husband probably wouldn't like that... She was awfully quiet for the rest of my visit there.

ETA: I've been told by a *number* of people, both in and out of the culture, that I have a very evil chuckle. I don't hear it. <Shrug>

 

[Kajira Callista]

Not very often unless specifically asked, but I'm pretty open about everything, including sex. I just don't mention the full spectrum of depraved activities I'm into very often.

Incidentally I think kinksters should have a word for "outing" themselves. If gays get "the closet," what do we get - out of the cage? the dungeon?

who wants to leave the dungeon?
Maybe we can "IN" ourselves

 

[Sir_Winston54]

I am completely hidden with my sexual needs. Whether its true or not, I don't feel my friends and family would understand. There are things in my mind that scare me, how could I expect them to understand. Part of me likes that, but mostly I wish I had someone to tell everything to, ask questions, and get some answers.

You do. Here.

 

[scarletnym]

You do. Here.

Thank you. It's hard though...I'm still unsure of myself. I never know where to begin, who to confide in. Even here, there are people who would be cruel. But I am getting there.

 

[youknowyoulike]

I am completely hidden with my sexual needs. Whether its true or not, I don't feel my friends and family would understand. There are things in my mind that scare me, how could I expect them to understand. Part of me likes that, but mostly I wish I had someone to tell everything to, ask questions, and get some answers.

I am the same and wonder if by virtue of that I keep myself from exploring more fully.

 

[scarletnym]

I am the same and wonder if by virtue of that I keep myself from exploring more fully.

You may be onto something ...

 

[youknowyoulike]

You may be onto something ...

So what do I do about it?

 

[bigdaddymackman]

sorry

 

[Sir_Winston54]

Thank you. It's hard though...I'm still unsure of myself. I never know where to begin, who to confide in. Even here, there are people who would be cruel. But I am getting there.

Yeah. Some of us are sadists...

However, I can't recall any time in the 5 years + that I've been on this board that I saw any regular poster here who was cruel to someone who clearly was asking legitimate questions or for advice.

Off the top of my head *quickly,* those who *I* would go to with questions (in only the order I think of their names right now, NOT in any other order!): Among the males - WriterDom, Evil_Geoff, Homburg, Sir Winston (<chuckle>), bholderman, and probably another half dozen I can't think of right now because I'm all drugged up for my bronchitis. All of them have been involved in our culture for years and years, if not decades and decades, and most have been involved in promoting and encouraging awareness and knowledge of our culture, not only "in the group" but outside as well.

Amongst the women (same caveats) - CutieMouse, Kajira Callista, graceanne, Netzach, shyslave, minx1, ultramarineblue, and many many more. Again, if I skipped anyone it wasn't intentional... I'm just really fogged up.

Most of these, male and female, accept PMs if you're *really* shy, though I think I speak for most of us when I say that we would *prefer* that questions be asked in open threads so that others who might have the same question can learn, and also so that others could give their input as well.

Welcome to our forum. While some of us might look, sound and even *act* scary at times, we're actually pretty much your normal online neighborhood: mostly good folks, a few grumpy folks, and a troll or two now and then.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

So what is the answer to the original question?


***Is a married sub better than a single sub?***

IMNSHO, bigd, it depends on the individual, as it does in so many, many other things.

 

[scarletnym]

Yeah. Some of us are sadists...

However, I can't recall any time in the 5 years + that I've been on this board that I saw any regular poster here who was cruel to someone who clearly was asking legitimate questions or for advice.

Off the top of my head *quickly,* those who *I* would go to with questions (in only the order I think of their names right now, NOT in any other order!): Among the males - WriterDom, Evil_Geoff, Homburg, Sir Winston (<chuckle>), bholderman, and probably another half dozen I can't think of right now because I'm all drugged up for my bronchitis. All of them have been involved in our culture for years and years, if not decades and decades, and most have been involved in promoting and encouraging awareness and knowledge of our culture, not only "in the group" but outside as well.

Amongst the women (same caveats) - CutieMouse, Kajira Callista, graceanne, Netzach, shyslave, minx1, ultramarineblue, and many many more. Again, if I skipped anyone it wasn't intentional... I'm just really fogged up.

Most of these, male and female, accept PMs if you're *really* shy, though I think I speak for most of us when I say that we would *prefer* that questions be asked in open threads so that others who might have the same question can learn, and also so that others could give their input as well.

Welcome to our forum. While some of us might look, sound and even *act* scary at times, we're actually pretty much your normal online neighborhood: mostly good folks, a few grumpy folks, and a troll or two now and then.

Thank you for the encouragement. I can even relate to some of the sadists
I am still really shy but have tried to keep my PMs to a minimum. I will definitely keep those names in mind.

 

[youknowyoulike]

Thank you for the encouragement. I can even relate to some of the sadists
I am still really shy but have tried to keep my PMs to a minimum. I will definitely keep those names in mind.

Yes, but I am a male and would like to meet a female.
Just to figure this out.

 

[serendipitous2]

- - -

 

[scarletnym]

Yes, but I am a male and would like to meet a female.
Just to figure this out.

As in talking about it or role playing?

 

[serendipitous2]

- - -

 

[Sayyid]

You're here to share knowledge and learn from others, just like all of us. I'm new here but I've taken to the place fairly quickly and found most users are friendly and helpful.

 

[Bandit58]

I must admit, I am intimidated by the lot of you. And it makes me very self-conscious about posting.. Especially with the level of intelligence going on (with certain people).

I remember my first nervous postings here when I first got involved with Sir, 6 years ago. We began online here at Lit and I moved in with Him six months later.
I did a LOT of lurking and reading before I posted. And I learned that the only stupid question is the one that isn't asked.....

 

[youknowyoulike]

As in talking about it or role playing?

Both I think.