Toxic Friends or Frenemies

[Willing and Unsure]

I've got a pretty big one on my hands and am trying to figure out the easiest/best way to be done with them. This person has supposedly been my best friend for about four years now, except that the last year or so of that she hasnt really been a friend let alone a good one. It's tough because every time I'm about ready to cut the cord, she actually steps up to be a decent person again and then I relent and go through it all again.

Any suggestions on how to get rid of the toxic friend?

 

[bobsgirl]

I've got a pretty big one on my hands and am trying to figure out the easiest/best way to be done with them. This person has supposedly been my best friend for about four years now, except that the last year or so of that she hasnt really been a friend let alone a good one. It's tough because every time I'm about ready to cut the cord, she actually steps up to be a decent person again and then I relent and go through it all again.

Any suggestions on how to get rid of the toxic friend?

That's a tough one. Can you gradually become more and more unavailable until the friendship just fades away on its own?

I just don't see how to do this without someone getting their feelings hurt. Sometimes, though, you have to do what you have to do, and just accept that it's going to hurt.

Sorry you have to deal with this, W&U, it ain't easy.

 

[Cathleen]

It's nice to see you again, W&U, I hope all is well.


BG is right, this is a tough issue. I think you have to be true to your wellbeing and if that means letting the friendship go, let it go. Without knowing much about how you two communicate, how much you see each other, etc., I'm not sure what will work for you. Sometimes letting things fade is best but if you need to 'be heard' that's important...for you. Anything to avoid or relieve resentments should be seriously considered, resentment only hurt ourselves.

There's the saying "Don't go to the hardware store for milk." Needs change, people change, and we no longer fit some relationships. It need not be about blame but just about change in circumstance, priorities and needs too.

I don't know where I'm going here except to say, give it thought, putting your needs/life first and notice what comes up inside.

 

[warrior queen]

unfortunately, toxic people very rarely realise that they are... even when told.

over the last few years, i have shed quite a few frenemies (i refer to all types here - not just friends, but relationships, juveniles, elderly) and have found the simplest way is to just tell them.
it seems harsh - explaining to someone that their continueing presence in my life is detrimental to the path i need to follow is EXTREMELY difficult.... the first time.
after that, it gets easier.

and my life is far better for it.

good luck sorting out your personal dilemma

 

[silverwhisper]

w&u, maybe the proper course of action is to confront her about the behavior that's made her toxic. is it at all possible she doesn't realize how badly she's treated you?

ed

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think your exit strategy also depends on whether this frenemy is part of a circle of friends. If cutting her out will have little or no impact on your social circle, all well and good. If a social circle will be broken, possibly even compelling people to take sides or choose who to remain close to, you'll have to tread more carefully. On a similar note, do your other friends have the same opinion of this frenemy?

 

[Willing and Unsure]

w&u, maybe the proper course of action is to confront her about the behavior that's made her toxic. is it at all possible she doesn't realize how badly she's treated you?

over time, I have talked with her about this. And it's weird, because her actions will change, probably just long enough to give me a warm fuzzy over the situation and then fall back to what they are. It's a cyclical thing. I dont think she realizes what she's doing anymore. I'll explain more detail below.

ed

I think your exit strategy also depends on whether this frenemy is part of a circle of friends. If cutting her out will have little or no impact on your social circle, all well and good. If a social circle will be broken, possibly even compelling people to take sides or choose who to remain close to, you'll have to tread more carefully. On a similar note, do your other friends have the same opinion of this frenemy?

I'm not expecting any impact on my social circle at all. And yes, other friends of mine have the same opinion of her.


Overall, it's a weird situation. I was dating someone for a very long time and her husband became very close to my boyfriend. It was great, until that relationship ended. I was sucking it up to be polite, at least, while in group settings when my ex was attending as well. She's instead taken the time to claim that she's not taking sides, when she has. She's selectively invited one or the other of us to events at her house. She tries to guilt me into wanting to be friends wtih my ex (guilt does not work on me, it only makes me angry). And overall, she's just not being a friend to me at all. I feel like people that I've never met face to face (internet friends) are a lot closer to me now than what she is. I've brought up some of this stuff to her, and she gets better about it for a month, maybe, and then it all slowly reverts back to the same spot. I'm feeling down and out with no one there to tell me the things that I need to hear to feel better. Instead, I get all the comments about my ex's new girlfriend and about how I'll really like her when I meet her one day.

I do appreciate the advice from everyone here. I've been slowly but surely putting a lot of distance between the two of us. I guess because she was at one point a really close friend and on some level I think she thinks she means well. I dont want to have to go to the extent of a full on confrontation because of that.

Another friend of ours got divorced a couple of years ago. She's since taken the stance that the husband did no wrong and that our friend is worse than pond scum. It really irritates me to watch her behavior be what it is - siding with the man in the situation and not bothering to find out the whole story or to be there for the women in her life.

 

[Cathleen]

I like your thinking. Keeping distance seems to be in your best interest.

The comment about you liking the new gf speaks volumes...she's not thinking about your feelings.

All the best to you.

 

[Willing and Unsure]

thanks Cathleen. and everyone else too. I've been needing some support on this lately and not knowing where to get it from. You all are wonderful.

 

[Cathleen]

I agree, there are many terrific people here, it's quite an unique place. It's nice to see you around a bit more.