How do "prudes" have sex? (Alternately: "Romance? What's that?")

[twiggystig]

Despite what pornography leads us to believe, for most people sex is not initiated with a few bad lines of dialogue, followed by the woman immediately dropping to her knees and yanking the guy's cock out of his pants before going to town slobbering on his sausage.

The guy does not then spit in her asshole and proceed to bore her bunghole like a pneumatic drill.

He does not then shove his Hepatitis-flavored cock back in her mouth a few times before pulling out, frantically jerking himself off and spraying his sperm all over her face.

Since this is more or less what sex is like for me, I need your help.

I'm writing a story involving a religious couple who are saving themselves until marriage. There is a lot of tension that builds up over the course of the book, culminating in them getting married and having sex at the end of it. Problem is, it's not going to be plausible at all for "Mother Theresa" to beg "Ned Flanders" to "fuck me in the ass, baby."

So, I need some help here. I either need some examples of stories involving plain vanilla sex for the purpose of procreation (no oral, no anal, no dirty talk, no condoms), or I need someone who is experienced in having boring sex to describe to me what it's like, from start to finish.

I know it's a weird request, so thanks in advance!

 

[midwestyankee]

You're writing a story. I suggest that you use your imagination.

 

[fgarvb1]

I don't know but, you are describing my wife I'll ask her...

 

[SweetErika]

You're writing a story. I suggest that you use your imagination.

What he said.

Leave it to the Perv (I wonder if that's already a porn title ) to get right to the point!

Seriously, how hard can it be to conjure up a very traditional, conservative sex scene? Start with kissing, have your characters disrobe (probably in the dark), then go for uneventful-for-her-great-for-him missionary sex. Make sure you don't make the classic "First Time" story mistakes of saying her hymen is inside her vagina or "her screams of agony as he popped her cherry quickly turned into moans of pleasure as she came."

And if you don't want the climax of your story to be really bland sex that might let your readers down, you could always have your characters learn about sex and experiment a bit prior to the main event. Many conservative virgins masturbate and fool around, in spite of the warnings about hairy palms, blindness, increasing depravity and hell.

 

[midwestyankee]

What he said.

Leave it to the Perv (I wonder if that's already a porn title ) to get right to the point!

Seriously, how hard can it be to conjure up a very traditional, conservative sex scene? Start with kissing, have your characters disrobe (probably in the dark), then go for uneventful-for-her-great-for-him missionary sex. Make sure you don't make the classic "First Time" story mistakes of saying her hymen is inside her vagina or "her screams of agony as he popped her cherry quickly turned into moans of pleasure as she came."

And if you don't want the climax of your story to be really bland sex that might let your readers down, you could always have your characters learn about sex and experiment a bit prior to the main event. Many conservative virgins masturbate and fool around, in spite of the warnings about hairy palms, blindness, increasing depravity and hell.

Better yet: hot swinging monkey ass-fucking. It's what all the nice church girls do.

 

[bobsgirl]

Boring sex for the purpose of procreation only?

Do you want people to actually read this story?

Not trying to be a smart ass, well not really anyway, but if boring sex is the climax (pun intended), this is going to be a massive letdown, even if the rest of the story is a masterpiece.

 

[Eilan]

Trying this again because the forum ate my other post. . .

Does Hepatitis taste like chicken?

I got nothing, really. My procreational sex was pretty recreational.

Some couples are waiting until marriage to experience their first kiss. Seriously. Perhaps you could work that into your story.

 

[slavetonanette]

I find this funny just imagining it.

 

[CutieMouse]

Better yet: hot swinging monkey ass-fucking. It's what all the nice church girls do.

What he said, more or less...

Signed,

A terribly kinky prude.

 

[RuneBlade]

Start an SRP thread to... 'flesh' some things out ;D

 

[SweetErika]

Some couples are waiting until marriage to experience their first kiss. Seriously. Perhaps you could work that into your story.

My friend's sister did that.

She got married at a young age after only knowing and dating the guy for a short time. Hand holding and friendly hugging were all she believed in doing before marriage.

We've lost touch, but I wonder if she's still married, and if so, whether or not she's happy. Probably, and probably not, respectively.

 

[SweetErika]

Start an SRP thread to... 'flesh' some things out ;D

Good idea! I'm sure a "Boring Sex Only" thread would take off like wildfire.

 

[bobsgirl]

My friend's sister did that.

She got married at a young age after only knowing and dating the guy for a short time. Hand holding and friendly hugging were all she believed in doing before marriage.

We've lost touch, but I wonder if she's still married, and if so, whether or not she's happy. Probably, and probably not, respectively.

Much as I can't even imagine doing that, I find it to be more honest than those "virgins" who do everything under the sun up to and including anal sex and still call themselves virgins because they haven't had a penis in their vagina. I had a friend who did that, and was very self-congratulatory and smug about the fact that she and her fiance waited until they were married to have sex.

 

[CWatson]

To get back to your actual topic...

Let me just add a few things to what MidwestYankee and SweetErika said. I wrote a similar story a couple years ago, and these are some of the things I considered at the time.

The first thing you ought to do is decide just how experienced your couple actually is. Are they "technical" virgins from the monkey-swinging ass-fucking family? If so, they'll probably do okay on their first try. Are they "true" virgins who haven't even kissed before? If so, their first sex will probably be, umm... interesting, if by interesting we mean "miserable". Chances are, your couple is somewhere in between: they may have done some heavy petting over clothes (or even under them), and they may have done some research on what sex entails and what they're getting into. But theory is not practice. Practice is having sex--either with someone else (a no-no to your Christian characters) or with yourself.

When two people start out as lovers, there's a lot of learning going on. John needs to learn to know Mary's body, and Mary needs to learn to know John's. (And yes, I mean "know" in the Biblical sense here.) If we're talking two virgins with no experience whatsoever, then it's even worse: Mary is not only learning to know John's body, but she's learning to know her body too, what she likes and what she doesn't. Same in vice versa. That's why masturbation makes sex easier in the future: you already know yourself. Christian doctrine has always held that the first person who should know you is your spouse. But I believe that the Greeks had it right: "Know Thyself." Long story short: the more familar they are with their own responses, the better they know themselves, the less fumbling there is.

Now, we're drifting into another issue here: the idea, so prevalent in our culture and media, that Good People Have Good Sex. If you want to do this story realistically, you're going to have to fly in the face of that trope. Good Sex is not a function of Twue Wuv or personal morality or anything like that: it's a function of how well you and your partner able to be unembarrassed when you're both naked. Good Sex comes from communication, experience and willingness to experiment--things an unconsummated couple can have. It's not unrealistic for a couple to have--well, not Good Sex, but at least Satisfactory Sex--on the first try. But it is not a guarantee, not at all, and Good Sex is probably right out unless one or more of them has quite a lot of experience already. So have the fumbling. Have the awkwardness. Have the mistakes. Let it be cute instead of stupid. Love is blind, after all.

Now, you've already gotten feedback that people don't want to read a story without a payoff at the end. They've got a point. But here's an alternate route: when people say "Good Sex", they generally mean "mind-blowing orgasms for everyone", which is something we in the pornography trade focus on because it's documentable (eyes rolling in head, skin flush, gasping, gallons of cum, etc). But that has the side effect of overlooking the emotional side of sex. Having good physical sex is something that takes practice. Having good emotional sex? I wouldn't know for certain, being a virgin myself, but I assume that's attainable on the very first try. I assume you're going to feel the same way about the closeness, the sharing, the vulnerability, the intimacy even if you don't have a mind-blowing orgasm. And, I'm assuming, the emotional side is going to be a fair part of why you want to do it again. After all, if you were a good Christian and waited until marriage, then this sex thing is a one-person deal. You don't get to do this to anybody else. You don't get to use your body to pleasure any other person in the world. Those looks on her face? The sighs, the gasps, the little giggles? The way her eyes shine? They're all for you. And the way she moans, the way she moves under you, pitches her hips, wraps her legs around them, grabs your ass to urge you on? That's only for you too. You're the only person in the whole world who will ever do those things to her, who will ever see her looking that way. And buddy, if you think those things don't matter or shouldn't matter, then you watch too much porn.

So, yeah. Hope some of this helps.

 

[emap]

Ummmm Cwatson you really should pay attention in church more often.

Catholics especially preach sex is not done for any reason besides having kids, and enjoying it is a sin, besides him enjoying it anyway. Not kidding here, the woman is not supposed to enjoy sex, she is only supposed to lay there let him do his business and hope she's fertile. If your talking two devout Catholics on wedding night, the only moving is on his end.

That said though, if your not going to go that devout, they will have learned of things sexual from friends and at least have the basic idea. Though the sex will of course be more a matter of comedic error than oh my god your so good at fucking me sex.

Don't listen to the critics, write it up as you want it and some will enjoy the rest well they only want a specific set of circumstances before and after orgasm anyway.

 

[twiggystig]

What he said.

Leave it to the Perv (I wonder if that's already a porn title ) to get right to the point!

Well, he didn't really contribute anything to the conversation that a potted plant couldn't have told me. The point is, I honestly don't know what conventional sex is like, hence my appeal to a base of people that might contain at least one person who does know.

You actually identified the specific problem I'm trying to avoid with your "her screams of agony as he popped her cherry quickly turned into moans of pleasure as she came" comment. Clearly the author of such a line never deflowered anybody, and thus used their imagination to fill in the blanks. I guarantee I'd come up with dialogue just as horrendous if I had to "use my imagination" to describe something as well-known to everybody but myself.

Seriously, how hard can it be to conjure up a very traditional, conservative sex scene?

It's pretty damn tough when I don't have any "traditional, conservative sex" experience to draw from. My first partner was an experienced woman a few years older than me and with a kinky streak so I've never had to go through much of the mutual teenaged fumbling I understand typically goes on.

Start with kissing, have your characters disrobe (probably in the dark), then go for uneventful-for-her-great-for-him missionary sex.

Thank you. This is the type of answer I was looking for.

And if you don't want the climax of your story to be really bland sex that might let your readers down, you could always have your characters learn about sex and experiment a bit prior to the main event. Many conservative virgins masturbate and fool around, in spite of the warnings about hairy palms, blindness, increasing depravity and hell.

I'm not writing an erotic story per se. The majority of it has nothing to do with sex; the point of the sex scene is that I want it to be bland, boring and wholly unrewarding to both of the characters. They go the length of the story dutifully following God's message and ultimately end up disappointed in so many ways.

I wasn't setting out to write something readers would necessarily masturbate to, though they're free to try.

(Thoughtful analysis)

Thank you for your incredibly deep insight; I do appreciate it.

Catholics especially preach sex is not done for any reason besides having kids, and enjoying it is a sin, besides him enjoying it anyway. Not kidding here, the woman is not supposed to enjoy sex, she is only supposed to lay there let him do his business and hope she's fertile. If your talking two devout Catholics on wedding night, the only moving is on his end.

These are the exact circumstances I had in mind.

 

[shiny5437]

So, I need some help here. I either need some examples of stories involving plain vanilla sex for the purpose of procreation (no oral, no anal, no dirty talk, no condoms), or I need someone who is experienced in having boring sex to describe to me what it's like, from start to finish.

I kinda think you're getting sex and pornography mixed up. Not every sexual encounter contains anal, oral, etc. Pornography presents these things as exciting because it's a visual medium. It has to keep on outdoing itself with bigger boobs, more boobs, bigger cocks, more cocks, more cum, etc. What it can't communicate is the sense of passion, lust, and erotic intensity felt by the couple. So what you call a boring vanilla encounter might just be the hottest thing someone's ever done and what you call unboring sex might just be two people going through the motions of anal-1-2-3-oral-1-2-3-anal-1-2-3-yawn-1-2-3...

People aspire to porn star sex so people are aspiring to be like people pretending to have enjoyable sex.

So porn is left to titillate with a cum shot whereas the written word can communicate the feelings and sensations: the moans that are held in, the tensions in the muscles, the breathlessness, the sweaty uncertain desire. So your couple don't have to say anything, they might not go at it like gurning porn pros, but they will still be horny and erotic as hell. You're having difficulty writing it because your porno frame of reference itself is limited because it only communicates in surface terms. Don't write the act, write the experience.

I admit the 'nonporn = boring' thing kinda riled me a bit. Rant over.


EDIT - just read your replies to above posts

Okay, so you want it to be bit of a damp squib for your couple. Fair enough. I just felt I had to stick up for the vanilla folks in the audience. But I still recommend you focus more on the feelings (boredom, fear, suppression of passion, etc) of the couple rather than the act. Plus if it's that perfunctory how much of a description does it need.

 

[CWatson]

Ummmm Cwatson you really should pay attention in church more often.

Catholics especially preach sex is not done for any reason besides having kids, and enjoying it is a sin, besides him enjoying it anyway. Not kidding here, the woman is not supposed to enjoy sex, she is only supposed to lay there let him do his business and hope she's fertile. If your talking two devout Catholics on wedding night, the only moving is on his end.

Really? That's not the experience I've had at my Catholic church. Though, to be fair, it's a church associated with a college campus, so it's going to be more liberal by necessity.

Also, I missed the part where the OP said his characters are Catholic. The public perception, yes, is that All Christianity Is Catholic. But in truth there are other denominations of it, like Methodists or Episcopalians or Greek Orthodox, and many of those denominations have a lower dumbass quotient than the Pope does when it comes to sexual practices. (For that matter, I missed the part where he said they were Christian! We turned out to have guessed right, but he might've been intending to write about Shintoists or Hindus. Ahh, our biases... )

 

[midwestyankee]

The simple point is this: you're engaging in an activity that calls for imagination. I can easily imagine how a vampire might attack a victim though I have never seen any vampires. I'm sure you could too, if you tried. But you appear to be unwilling to try.

In essence, the OP seems to be saying this, "I'm too fucking lazy to use my imagination. Please write the penultimate scene of my story for me."

 

[Eilan]

Catholics especially preach sex is not done for any reason besides having kids, and enjoying it is a sin, besides him enjoying it anyway. Not kidding here, the woman is not supposed to enjoy sex, she is only supposed to lay there let him do his business and hope she's fertile. If your talking two devout Catholics on wedding night, the only moving is on his end.

As someone who was once married to a Catholic, attended a Jesuit university, and knows many Catholic couples, I'm going to say that the many of the younger generation of Catholics merely pay lip service to a lot of the Church's teachings on sexuality.

When my ex and I started going to premarital counseling with our priest, it was suggested to us that if we were sexually active, we might want to pledge to abstain in the six months leading up to our wedding. We ended up having hot monkey sex before each counseling session.

 

[emap]

As someone who was once married to a Catholic, attended a Jesuit university, and knows many Catholic couples, I'm going to say that the many of the younger generation of Catholics merely pay lip service to a lot of the Church's teachings on sexuality.

When my ex and I started going to premarital counseling with our priest, it was suggested to us that if we were sexually active, we might want to pledge to abstain in the six months leading up to our wedding. We ended up having hot monkey sex before each counseling session.

I never said everybody did that, heck I knew a catholic gal in high school who had more lovers than I did. I was just saying the preaching on the subject as closely as I can remember it. Actually was part of a little competition we had going with the other cheerleaders, she won, barely, though I swear I think she cheated.

 

[CWatson]

The simple point is this: you're engaging in an activity that calls for imagination. I can easily imagine how a vampire might attack a victim though I have never seen any vampires. I'm sure you could too, if you tried. But you appear to be unwilling to try.

In essence, the OP seems to be saying this, "I'm too fucking lazy to use my imagination. Please write the penultimate scene of my story for me."

You've got a point, that he does seem like he wants someone to do the work for him (particularly the "start to finish" thing). But, frankly, that's his problem. I mean, I already wrote my version of this story, and he can go look it up on my profile if he wants. (Though, when I'm doing research, seeing what other people have done with the same topic is a huge mistake, so, OP, you have been warned.)

Having said that, OP, our yankee is completely correct in that you should feel comfortable using your imagination. Sit down, decide what you think the fumbling and stuff should be like, and write it. It will probably be wrong in some places, so submit it here at the Editor's Lounge or Story Feedback to get those bits fixed. Writing is something you learn by doing--and, more often than not, via trial and error. Another story I've written recently was a lactation piece that involved multiple things I've never personally experienced: child-raising, the aftermath of childbirth, marriage, lactation, and (of course) sex. I didn't let that stop me. And, of course, I made some factual mistakes, which readers were kind enough to correct me on. Now the story is better. But, even more than that, it exists. So go make your story exist. It won't be perfect, but that's all right--being perfect isn't what matters.

 

[sugaredwalls]

As someone who was once married to a Catholic, attended a Jesuit university, and knows many Catholic couples, I'm going to say that the many of the younger generation of Catholics merely pay lip service to a lot of the Church's teachings on sexuality.

When my ex and I started going to premarital counseling with our priest, it was suggested to us that if we were sexually active, we might want to pledge to abstain in the six months leading up to our wedding. We ended up having hot monkey sex before each counseling session.

LMAO!

I went to an all girls Catholic high school, where scarf and barf was a team sport and they really should of just set up a Planned Parenthood on the back lawn.......it would of just been a real time saver.

Billy Joel said it best:

Only the good die young.....